Sad
By Catrina
Disclaimer: These boys aren't mine.
A/N: This is my first Gundam Seed story. This story is right now just going to ignore Gundam Seed Destiny, since I haven't seen it all yet. Also beware, no beta reader, so there will be some spelling errors that spell check doesn't always get. Please let me know what you think.
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His smile was always so breathtakingly sad.
There was something that would never quite reach his azure eyes. When he was younger they would always hold innocence and sweetness, but now they looked so blank and infinitely sad. The war had been hard on all of them, but most of them had been able to hold on to themselves. But somewhere between here and there Kira had lost something…
The young man had a hard time smiling and laughs were even rarer. But once in a while he would stand by the coast of Orb and look out to the ocean, and for a second, he would seem okay, he would seem normal. Then it would pass.
Athrun worried about his friend, always did. After coming close to losing him so many times it was easy to say that that was his greatest fear. Kira…he never wanted to lose his Kira.
"Kira, are you okay?" The voice that asked the question was deeper then it was just a couple years ago. Kira turned to him as he stood watching the ocean with his best friend. He and Cagalli were back in Orb after being gone in a tour of the PLANTS for the last three months, so it had been a while since they had seen each other.
Athrun once again received that sad, sad smile. "Welcome home Athrun! I'm fine. How were the PLANTS?" Athrun looked at him really looked at him. He had grown taller since he had seen him last, they were once again about the same height, Kira just a little shorter. His hair was longer, still falling into his eyes, but he knew that Kira seemed to hide behind those bangs when he was uncomfortable. He had lost weight, not a lot, but enough that the clothes he wore were a little lose. He didn't seem surprised to see Athrun; he must have known he was coming.
"He has seemed more and more down lately." Lacus stated while sitting down with tea for Cagalli and Athrun.
"He needs to just get over it." Cagalli muttered angry at her twin.
"It's not that simple Cagalli." Lacus rose not touching the tea that she had poured for the three of them and walked to the window, "His sadness reached into all the corners of his soul. He loved everyone so much and fought so hard to protect them. But his remorse is for all those he couldn't protect, and those that he wished he never had to kill. His kind heart has taken such a battering that he doesn't know how to heal. When I look into his eyes it makes me almost cry." For a moment they all sat silent unsure of how exactly to proceed. "I don't know how to help him. I try…" both Athrun and Cagalli could tell that Lacus herself was bordering on tears, "I try so hard to be here for him, but he doesn't want to share the pain. He won't let me help him. Even now he is still trying to protect me."
"Lacus." Athrun wanted to comfort the songstress.
"Can you talk to him? Either of you, I…I can't seem to reach him." Athrun looked to Cagalli who looked more then a little afraid, but then again Cagalli wasn't the best person to talk about emotions. She would end up just yelling at him, and it wouldn't do any good at all. Athrun nodded at her then got up and went to stand by Lacus. He looked over to where the lone figure looked out to sea. Kids seemed to gather around him, sensing his calm, and being soothed, but not understanding the sadness the lurked under the calm exterior.
"Don't worry Lacus. There has to be something that one of us can do." Cagalli followed behind Athrun, noting out loud the children flocked around him.
"Yes, the children love him, and his stories of his best friend and their adventures before the war." They watched as Torii flew in and the kids gathered around him even more. The mechanical bird jumped onto his hand and Kira kneeled allowing the kids to see and touch him. Athrun could see hip lips moving, but not enough o see what he was saying.
"I'll go speak with him, see what's going on. Cagalli will you be okay by yourself?" Athrun asked looking to the blond standing behind him.
"Yeah, there's a guard here to escort me. Maybe you should stay for a couple days, until we leave for the PLANTS again?" He nodded and watched as she left. He then turned to Lacus.
"Don't worry; I'll take care of him."
"The PLANTS were fine, they seem to like Cagalli's attitude, and they all work well together." The kids had scattered when Athrun came so it was just Kira, Athrun, and Torii.
"I'm sure they would, they want peace just like everyone else."
"Lacus is worried about you." Athrun knew his best friend better then anyone and knew that sometimes with Kira you just needed to be blunt.
"I know, and I hate causing her worry, but right now, I don't really know why I'm the way I am. I know this isn't normal." Kira looked to Athrun his violet eyes searching his friend's green eyes for understanding. Athrun raised a hand and brushed a casual hand over his friend's hair.
"Why are you so sad, Kira?" Athrun asked softly as his hand carded through his friend's hair. It was something that he had always done but Kira was the same. Since their battle to the death, they both seemed to touch each other as much as possible. Almost as though they were assuring each other that they were sorry, that both were still very much alive, that they could keep living until the next time they could be assured that their best friend was still in the world with them.
Kira blushed under his touch, and gave Athrun a genuine smile, one Athrun had a feeling hadn't been seen in a while. "I'm not sad… not really. I think that I'm just missing something. I still miss my friends. I still feel guilt for not saving everyone. I never wanted to be a soldier, but I know that I made my choice. It's not that…not anymore." After all Athrun concluded it had been well over a year, and Kira was right, he had learned to deal with what had happened during the war.
"So what is it then?" Athrun asked looking over his friend.
"I guess I just need to find what's missing." Kira looked over his friend, his best friend and he already knew what was wrong. He missed Athrun, he wanted to be near Athrun, but Athrun's place wasn't with him. It had taken Kira months to work through his sadness and depression, but seeing the world working so hard to keep the peace assured him that he wouldn't have to take up arms to battle again. Occasionally a nightmare would hit and he would for just a little while morn those that he couldn't save. But it was slowly after he started healing that other things became obvious to him. That he was safe and secure when he was with Athrun, that he felt happy when he was with Athrun, and that he was completely in love with Athrun; just like Athrun was utterly and exclusively in love with his sister. It was then after a nightmare of loosing Athrun that his heart completely shattered and it was that that had change him right now. Right now he was simply trying to work through his broken heart. There was no way that he could tell Lacus what was going on, there was no one he could really talk to. But he knew that this was best worked through on his own. He smiled at Athrun trying to ease his concern, but mostly wanting him to go away. All he really wanted was for Athrun to leave, so he could try to heal.
It had only been two weeks and Lacus had already brought in the reinforcements. It was at times like this that Kira wished that he was a liar. He wished that he could be an actor and fool all his friends so that he wasn't causing them concern. But that didn't seem to be the case. Everyone was so concerned and he could do nothing to ease their pain. Telling them not to worry and that this was something that he had to work through on his own wasn't something that was working. He knew that he had changed after the war, but soon he would be closer to what they needed him to be.
"I'm going to be hanging out here for the next couple days." Athrun stated and looked over to see his friend slightly pale at that note.
"Really? What's up?" Kira could hear his voice shaking and wanted to hit his head against a brick wall. This really was the last thing that he needed. If only he could tell his friend to get away and leave him alone, but he could tell that Athrun was concerned.
"I want to hang out with you, see what's going on in that head of yours." Athrun stated smirking a little at his childhood friend. As if sensing his distress, Torii flew from where he was perched to land on Kira's shoulder.
"You don't want to know." Kira muttered to himself then blushed when Athrun asked him what he had said. "Nothing. Let's head up to the house." Athrun watched as Kira walked away green eyes watching the fading form and how his long legs moved him from the beach to the house. Kira had become even more attractive then before, now he was taller, leaner, and his face was sharper, but his eyes were still the most dominate feature, wide and fringed with dark lashed, those purple eyes saw straight through him. Lately it had become worse for Athrun; he saw those eyes in his dreams, hazed with lust, drowning with desire. All he knew was that the next two days would most likely be hell on him.
Surprisingly that seemed not to be the case. The evening went well, all of them eating together and talking about this that or the other. But Athrun kept watching Kira, watching him eat, talk, walk, and later watching him work. It seemed that the people in the area had learned that Kira was good with computers and programming, and in a way Kira had started his own business. He worked on computers and programs and his room was full of them. He wasn't talking but he watched as Kira diligently worked on program after program, and then a couple computers. It was almost 11:00 before Kira turned and looked at him slightly irritated.
"Are you just going to watch me all night?" Kira asked, almost a growl.
Athrun nodded, "Yup."
"And the point to that is what?" Kira asked powering down his laptop and giving his friend his complete attention. His friend sat across the table from him in sleep clothes and watched with blurry eyes.
"To see."
"To see what?"
"What's wrong?"
"It's not that simple."
"So you say." Athrun countered. It was nice to see Kira fighting back to him a little, he missed these verbal sparing matches they were rare but they were fun… most of the time.
"Good lord… lets just go to sleep." Kira wanted to just throw his hands into the air and yell to what ever god there was to just kill him now.
"Can I have a pillow and blanket?"
"Why, go to your room. Lacus made one up for you right?" It came out a little harsher then what Kira had actually meant. He almost grimaced at how terse he sounded but what Athrun said next changed that to surprise.
"No, I told her I was sleeping here."
"What!"
"I'm gonna sleep in here with you." Kira flushed bright red when his thoughts headed straight to the gutter. Athrun…in bed…with him. He could already feel his blood flowing south.
"On the floor?" Kira asked turning to hide his blush.
"Unless you let me sleep in the bed with you. The floor is hard." Kira looked over his shoulder and couldn't find a way say no. It was Athrun after all, how could he really say no.
Athrun on the other hand couldn't believe his own audacity. He would never be able to sleep tonight in Kira's bed, surrounded by his scent, feeling the heat from his body, hearing his deep steady breathes.
"Fine, just stay to your side." Its not like they hadn't done this when they were young, the only difference was that they weren't seven years old anymore. After some time the both settled in, each on one side of the bed. They were both lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling. Idle chatter had passed but now they were simply waiting for sleep to come and take them away.
Abruptly Athrun turned to his side and looked at Kira. "I just want you to be okay." Athrun's voice was much softer then normal and he wasn't sure if his voice got through. Kira turned his head, and another one of those bright vibrant smiles shown through making his eyes almost glow in the dark.
"Don't worry Athrun, I will be." With in a couple minutes Kira seemed to settle in and soon his eyes drifted shut. Athrun watched him sleep, and noted every feature, every breath, and every eyelash.
This was what he wanted.
Kira was all that he ever really wanted.
Ever since he saw his face again, startled and surprised, he knew that he had to have Kira back in his life. When he thought that he had actually killed him he nearly tore up with grief. There was no doubt that Kira was his special someone. But there was no way to be with him and he had figured that out long before. So instead he simply moved on, protecting everyone's dreams by protecting Cagalli. The two had long since figured out that what had started during the war was indeed going no where. So they spoke, and this was what they came up with. He was indeed her body guard, but not forever. Soon he would find a way to be down on Earth, here in Orb, and close to his Kira.
The sun was rising before Athrun actually fell asleep, but when he did he was hugging Kira close.
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Kira woke and found himself to be warm, much warmer then normal. It didn't really take him long to figure out why, especially with the steady heart beat under his ear. He was laying on Athrun and his best friends arm's were tight around him hold them close. Kira froze. To say that he was in a panic would be a complete understatement. He was with his friend, in bed… and they were holding each other. Of course nothing happened he knew better, he would remember that.
Athrun let out a sigh and turned a little turning into Kira just a little bit allowing for Kira to look up and see his face. Athrun always looked like a little boy when he slept, his dark hair falling all over his pale skin, long lashes creating shadows on his cheeks. Kira raised a hand and passed if over the hair that felt like silk. He never knew how Athrun had such soft hair; Kira personally thought that his own felt rough. Kira loved to look at his friend. He was so beautiful, though he would never say that to his face. He was beautiful in the way that his pale skin was in contrast with his dark hair, the way that there was always a sparkle in his dark green eyes. Kira could never look at his friend and not want to touch him, not want to hold him, to kiss him. But that was not his right. Athrun and Cagalli had been traveling together for almost a year, the communication between the PLANTS and the Earth were minimal at times and then the connections would be bad. He had not seen or really talked to either of them in months, so he really didn't know the status of their relationship. Fact was that he didn't want to know. The fact of knowing if his best friend and crush was having sex with his sister was not something that he wanted to think about. Neither did he want to know about how close they were to getting married or anything of the sort. He simply knew that it was going to happen and when it did that would be enough. He really wanted to be happy for them. Looking down at Athrun, tears floating in Kira's eyes, Kira knew that he wanted nothing more then happiness for his friend and his sister. But he knew that without Athrun he would never be happy, he would just exist. When Athrun turned Kira took the chance and pulled out of his arms. In no time flat he was in the bathroom and in the shower.
God… this was going to be the longest day of his life, Kira though rubbing the tears from his eyes. But Athrun would leave tomorrow morning. Then it would be fine, everything would be normal. Kira jumped in the shower and went through his morning routine quietly. He got out of the bathroom and wrapped a towel around his waist. He then peeked out the door, and noted that Athrun was still asleep; taking his chanced he walked softly to his chest of drawers and pulled out his clothes. He tip-toed back to the bathroom to put on his clothes then went and met Lacus for breakfast.
Athrun woke warm and surrounded by Kira's scent, the mixture of his citrus shampoo and the natural sweet and spicy scent. He had never slept so well. Turning over he realized that it was already past noon, and he had missed the first two meals of the day. Moving slowly he went to the bathroom and opened the door and making himself at home he showered and changed then went down to find Kira or Lacus. He found Lacus first.
"Good afternoon Athrun. Did you sleep well?" If Athrun didn't know better he would have said that she had a twinkle in her eye…like she knew something.
"Well enough, where's Kira?"
"He's with the children. I was waiting for you."
"You didn't have to do that I can eat lunch on my own."
"Well I wanted to ask you a question."
"Go ahead." Athrun gave Lacus his full attention after cutting his sandwich and taking the first bite.
"What have you done?"
"Done?"
"He smiled at me this morning. A shy quiet smile, like the ones he always used to give me on the Archangel. What did you do?"
"Nothing really."
"You had to do something."
"No, not really." He continued to eat as the pick songstress studied him. When he looked up she was staring at him her cheek resting in her hand a large smile on her face. "What."
"It's you." She said on a smile.
"Huh?" He asked again finishing off his meal.
"Nothing, it's just you." She rose gracefully from her chair and walked out the door, leaving a confused Athrun blinking in her wake.
It took him a while to find Kira, because after most of the children went down to nap, he went to his room to work on his computers. There was one laptop there that was torn apart and he figured that he needed to go to the store to buy something. But he didn't know what store to go to. So he simply sat and waited on the bed for Kira to get back. It was almost another hour before the boy actually showed up and that put it at almost 4:00. The boy blinked at the other boy sitting on his bed.
"Hey Athrun."
"Kira."
"What?"
"What…what?
"Are you made at me?" Kira asked blinking his wide purple eyes at his friend.
"I've been looking for you."
"Really? Well I started to work on this computer, but there were running a really slow processor in it. And there is this shop downtown, and whenever I go in the owner always has me look at some things, and I try to help him out, and because of that he gives me free stuff." Kira ended on a smile and looked over to Athrun who had started to smile during his little tirade.
"You should have woke me up this morning we could have done something."
"No its okay."
"But I leave tomorrow morning."
"Yeah, that's why you need to relax and rest."
"But Kira, I came here to be with you, not to relax." He watched as a blush raced across his friend's cheeks and almost up to his hair line.
"I'm sorry, Athrun. Should we go eat some dinner, then maybe catch a movie, I'll pay." It was his way of trying to make up for it.
In the end they ate dinner with Lacus and the kids and then went to a movie, an action movie with a minimal plot but still slightly entertaining, but still Athrun knew that he couldn't remember the plot if he even tried. Athrun sat in the dark staring more at his movie companion then at the actual movie. In the dark his eyes seemed to glow, and the way that the strange light would glance off the spikes of his hair, were interesting to watch. Kira's mouth would open in shock when an amazing martial arts move was shown or something incredibly gruesome would be shown. Occasionally he would see the other boy grimace, and he knew that someone had died and curiosity would get him to look to the screen but he liked watching Kira more. He was so expressive, and so animated that he never really wanted to take his eyes off of his friend. There was one thing that Athrun like about having his dark hair longer; he knew that Kira had no clue that he was watching him and not the movie. When the movie had started Athrun had gone to get popcorn and missed just a bit of the preview. Kira had told them about them when Athrun came back, but the part of this memory that he loved the most was whenever their hands would end up in the popcorn together…Kira would blush. Soon Athrun started to time when the other boy would grab for popcorn just so that he could put his hand in first. It was just because he liked to see Kira blush so much.
By the time the movie was over and the popcorn gone, they started the drive back out to the house. Both boys were quiet, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence but more that one of a long comfortable friendship. Never had Athrun thought that he would simply be happy because he was with Kira. The random though passed him mind, wondering what they would be like if they hadn't picked up their weapons and fought each other. What would have happened if Kira had followed to the PLANTS and they had been together the whole time? Would everything be different now, could they have been lovers instead of just friends? It really was Athrun's fondest wish that that is what could happen between them. He pulled into the drive way just as Kira seemed to be nodding off to sleep.
He parked the car then moved around to the other side. He watched Kira though the glass. He would never get sick of watching Kira. The other boy's inner beauty always showed through showing how strong he was and making the outside of the boy even more beautiful. He opened the door, then unbuckled Kira from the safety belt. He touched the side of his face gently, running a finger along the soft skin
"Kira."
"Hm?" The boy quickly opened his eyes and jumped startled. Athrun noticed Lacus looking out of a window on the second story; she seemed to be smiling again.
"Go to bed Kira, I'll be in later."
"Why?" The boy unfolded his lean form from the car, stretching as he did so.
"I need to tell Lacus 'thanks'."
"Okay." Athrun followed Kira but then headed to the tea room to join Lacus.
"Did you enjoy your evening?" Lacus asked
"Yeah, it was too short though. I just wanted to say thanks for letting me stay here."
"It was nice to see Kira smiling again."
"He seems okay, I think he just has some personal stuff to work through."
"It will be fine shortly, of that I have no doubt."
"Thanks Lacus, good night."
"Good night."
By the time Athrun got back Kira's room he was already asleep, so he just changed into his night clothes and crawled into be beside his friend, again watching Kira sleep, as dreams came to take him as well.
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Athrun woke to find that Kira had wrapped himself around him. Struggling to let the other boy sleep he pried himself away and went to the bathroom to shower and got ready to leave. He grabbed his bags and went down and loaded the car before going back to say 'bye' to Kira.
"Kira?" Athrun peeked his head into the boy's room expecting to find him still sleeping, but instead he was awake, knees pulled to his chest as he looked out the large window in his room. Kira jumped slightly when the door opened and looked over at his friend.
"Hey Athrun." The smiled that he showed was much more genuine then the one that Athrun had seen when he first arrived. He was happy to see it. "What are you doing here?" Though he asked the question Kira was pleased to see him, and he knew that Athrun could tell.
"I just wanted to say 'bye.' Cagalli is going back up to the PLANTS for a couple weeks and I'm going with her."
"As her body guard. Be careful, keep both of you safe, please?" It was a statement, not really a question, but Kira wished that Athrun could stay a little longer. Kira enjoyed having Athrun with him and knew that he would miss him. Lacus had been happy to see a smile on Kira's face, but he knew those would disappear when Athrun left. But Athrun had already done so much for him, that Kira couldn't ask him to stay even for just a little longer. He looked up when the door closed and his eyes widened a little when Athrun walked over to the bed and sat down.
"She is important to the peace that we have, I have to protect that." I never want to see you fight again.
"I know…her dream is the dream of many others." Kira once again turned to look out the window. He could never seem to fight the sadness that seemed to overwhelm him though for the past two days it had been held at bay. "My dream is her dream, a world of peace. I'm glad you work so hard to protect it."
"I'm glad I can do something." Athrun sat on the side of the bed and watched out the window as the sun started to rise. Athrun placed a hand on Kira's head feeling the silken strands move through his fingers. "You gonna be okay? All of a sudden you seem sad again."
"No! I'll be fine; it was just nice having you around for a while." He spoke softly before turning his head around to look at his friend. It was then that he realized how close Athrun was to him. His smile faded as he looked into his friends green eyes and saw how serious he was.
"It will only be a couple weeks."
"I know." Kira stated titling his head in question. Why was Athrun acting like this, why was he being so… so…
"I'll come back as soon as I get home." Kira's smile was his answer. "Should I call you when I get to the PLANTS?"
"If you want…" Kira looked at Athrun still confused…he was treating Kira like…a worried girlfriend. Oh no! Athrun had figured it out…he knew it, he just had to have. That's why he was going to come back right away, to explain to Kira that he was with Cagalli and that they were going to get married. That there was no place in Athrun's heart for Kira, but they would always be friends. Kira could already see it in his minds eye. He could feel the heart breaking, a pain in his chest making it hurt to breath. But he continued to as he looked at his friend, trying to make everything okay. Athrun had to be okay, he didn't need to feel guilty over him and the fact that he couldn't have feelings for another guy. He knew the feeling, he had panicked when he realized that the feelings he had for Athrun were more then platonic, and now Athrun knew and he had to be a little creeped out. "Actually, it's okay; I'll just see you when you get back."
Kira thought that he had done a good job of making sure that his voice didn't shake but he noticed Athrun's eyes narrow and realized that he hadn't done as well as he hoped.
"What's wrong?" Athrun asked voice bordering on a note of anger. Kira's eyes, they were different already and he hadn't even left yet. Something was going though that genius mind of his, and it was completely wrong. Athrun just knew it; he knew that Kira was thinking he was right, when everything was wrong. Kira was the most dense genius ever.
"Nothing."
Athrun stood on a sigh and looked down at Kira curled up on his bed. Athrun wasn't even gone and he was already sad. Could it be that Kira was just lonely, no… that wasn't right, he was here, with Lacus.
What happened next, Athrun couldn't really explain what happened next; between Kira shifting to get up off the bed and Athrun leaning down to kiss his hair their lips met. Athrun's eyes widened slightly before letting them flutter shut and placed his hands on Kira's cheeks, framing his face.
It was soft and sweet and something that Kira had never expected. He was well aware that his eyes were open wide on shock and that his body was frozen in movement. His hands shook as he brought them up, but then unsure with what to do with them he let them drop limp at his sides. But he was so gentle and his hands moved from framing his face to soothingly carding though his hair. Their lips brushed again and again, and then Athrun pulled away.
Kira looked at his friend as a sigh passed his lips. There was a small smile on Athrun's face.
"I'll call you when I get to the PLANTS."
"Okay…"Kira breathed softly, and watched as Athrun left his room.
…
…
He had just kissed Athrun.
Athrun had kissed him.
…
…
Oh hell, what was he going to do now?
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This is chapter one. Like I said this is my first Gundam Seed fic. So let me know what you think.
Thanks for reading,
Cat