Identical Chapter 1, a dark angel fanfic

DISCLAIMER: Dark Angel isn't mine. I'm just playing with the characters to amuse myself and waste a bunch of time that ought to be spent on studying for my NS10 finals which is on Friday.

A/N: This fic was supposed to be my first step into the M/B world (I mean, Ben was also Jensen and all…), but I'm too hung up on Alec…so now, it's a weird M/B/A kind of triangle going…one day, one day, I'll write a real M/B piece after I've purged all of Alec out of my system. It might be a while, but it'll happen. It's gonna be about three or four chapters to sort out the mess.

CHAPTER 1

It had been five years since the Siege at Terminal City, two years since the worldwide exposure of the Breeding Cult, and a year since the war with the Cult had been declared. In the end, they had won the war. But victory did not come without a price…and damn if they hadn't paid the price.

There had been thousands of casualties the world over: men, women, children, Human, Familiar, and Transgenic alike. None had been spared in the war for racial domination—a war of survival. Still, in the end, they had won. In the end, he had held on to a dying girl in his arms, his face uplifted to the heavens that he had never once believed in. Only two words had slipped from his lips at that moment, a desperate plea for a miracle, "Help me," he'd whispered.

Then a team had whisked her away from him, and he had been left staring at his bloodied hands. He had knelt amidst the rubble, not even realizing that he had been crying. His hands had trembled as he realized that the sacrifice for the right to live had a price tag he wasn't sure he could afford to pay.

"Mr. McDowell! Alec!"

The voice broke through Alec's dark memories and he looked up quickly, his expression guarded. He had been sitting in the hospital cafeteria, staring at the same untouched cup of coffee for the last half-hour. He was exhausted, depleted. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed and slip into the nothingness of a dreamless sleep.

But even his dreams wouldn't let him rest.

He could still hear her scream. He could still feel her blood trickle between his fingers as he desperately tried to stop the flow. He could still see the terror in her eyes as she looked at him before they had dimmed and had fallen closed.

No, he couldn't rest, not until she was back with him.

"Alec! You need to get up there quickly! She's waking up!" cried the young male nurse, finally reaching Alec's side.

Immediately, he was on his feet and running up the three flights of stairs to her room in the ICU. He paused at her door, his breath hitching. It never failed to make him sick to his stomach to see her laying there, not in the two months since she'd been brought here. Not even when he'd walked into the same room every single day of those two months.

She was so small. So still. So vulnerable. How was it that Max could look so vulnerable?

He approached the bed carefully. A doctor and a few interns were standing close by, monitoring all of her vital statistics as her mind broke through the surface of consciousness. "She's coming to," whispered Doctor Evans. "But, we need to make sure that she's not startled. She'll need to see a familiar face."

Alec nodded, his heart beating painfully and hopefully in his chest. He leaned over her, a hand gently cradling her face. His thumb caressed her cheek and he whispered tenderly, "Hey, welcome back,"

"Hey, welcome back,"

The voice pulled Max out of the fog of unconsciousness. She desperately wanted to sink back into the darkness of oblivion. Her body felt so cold, so tired. Her limbs were like dead weight, her lungs ached with each breath, and her head felt like a railroad spike had been driven into it.

"Max, please wake up," But the voice insisted with such longing that she had to listen. And it was warm and gentle. It beckoned her, promising love and safety and warmth. She needed those right now. She needed them so much.

Her eyelids fluttered open and she was greeted by a pair of beautiful hazel-green eyes, clouded with concern. The moment those eyes locked with hers, those clouds cleared away, and she could see them shining with love down at her. She knew those eyes. Her gaze wandered over his face and took in every inch of him: his strong forehead, the deep set eyes, the perfectly straight nose, the high cheekbones, the sculpted lips, the strong jaw, and even the slight cleft on his chin—they were all so familiar.

So beloved.

She raised her hand up, to touch his face. She felt a small frown wrinkle her brow. Odd, but her arm wouldn't budge. She focused all her will into moving it. She wanted—no, needed—to touch this beloved face. If only to find out that he really was there. She'd missed him so much.

Finally, her arm reached out and she let her fingers splay lovingly across his face. For a moment, her numb senses didn't register the touch. But the warmth of his skin spread over her fingertips, warming her—bring her to life. The warmth of the touch, the reminder that she was truly alive made her whimper softly. Soon her fingers traced and outlined the same path her eyes had taken, caressing his brows, those lips. Tears filled her eyes at the poignancy of the moment. "I've missed you so much," she whispered lovingly.

Alec leaned over Max as she came out of her coma. It had been too long since he had seen those brown eyes. He wanted to erase the memory of the last time he had seen them, when she lay dying in his arms—just as the light had dulled in them and turned lifeless.

"Max, please wake up," he whispered, his voice longing for her to come back to him. He let his emotions bleed into his voice, hoping that it would reach her, and finally pull her through.

Her eyes fluttered open, slightly hazy, but with the familiar light behind them. Relief washed over him and his heart constricted as those gold-flecked brown orbs immediately sought and locked with his. He stared at her, showing her his relief, his…love.

His breath caught as she struggled for a second to move. Then her hand touched his face, her fingers dancing lightly over his skin. She moved them delicately across his features, as if trying to memorize them…or remembering them. She was looking at him with an almost unbearable gentleness, a quiet love that he knew must have come from deep inside. She was still too weak and vulnerable to be putting up the emotional shields that he knew she had worn everyday of her life.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered, her voice slightly hoarse from months without use.

Alec's heart skipped a beat. He swallowed painfully. "I've missed you, too, Maxie,"

She dropped her arm wearily. Her throat constricted a few times as she struggled to say more. "You always loved me, didn't you?" she asked softly.

Alec's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. How had she known? How could she know how he felt? He had never told her. There had never been a right time, or even a slight opportunity for them. Terminal City and the survival of the Transgenics had always been first on their list. Throughout the years, he had loved her, but he had always been so careful to mask his emotions with their usual banter and fights.

But he smiled at her, knowing that this was no time to be hiding behind masks and lies. "Yes, Maxie, I've always loved you," he replied, his voice calm and strong. "I love you now."

She nodded slightly, obviously tiring. "I'm glad you're here," she said, her voice slowly faltering. She moved her hand over to his, and he held onto it. "I've always loved you, too, Ben."

Then she closed her eyes, missing the myriad of emotions that chased after each other on his face. She fell into a deep sleep, a smile of contentment on her face.

Alec couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. His mind was a jumble of confusing thoughts and emotions.

She thought he was Ben.

He closed his eyes and sighed wearily, still gripping her hand. He pressed his lips together tightly until they were a thin, white line. He was angry. No, angry was too tame a word to describe how he felt. He felt like he was drowning in a sea of hatred and jealousy. Like he was burning inside from the fury that raged inside of him. Like he was dying inside from the pain that was squeezing his heart until it hurt to breathe.

It was an old and familiar pain. An old and familiar fear. It was something he wondered if he would ever outgrow. Apparently, it was something that would never leave him alone. How could he ever compete with his dead twin?

Every time she looked at him, she saw Ben. No matter how many times she had denied it in the past. The proof was here and now. She had seen his face and had only thought of Ben. He tried to chase away the bitterness that rose in him like bile.

Would she ever be able to see him, Alec, without the ghost of his twin superimposed over him?

He didn't know if Max would ever be able to love him, knowing that he looked exactly like Ben. Knowing that she had loved his twin; loved him enough to take on the guilt and horror of killing him; loved him so much that even seven years after his death, he still lived inside of her.

How could he ever be someone other than Ben's twin to her?

Alec finally released her hand and walked stiffly out the door to where the doctor was waiting. He stepped out of the room and cocked an eyebrow at the older man.

"Her vital stats are strong. She's doing well. Her transgenic body has long since fully recovered from her injuries," Doctor Evans categorized, glancing at his chart. "She's going to be in pain, but it will pass in a short time. The only thing I might be concerned with is her mental stability. There are some strange spikes on her brainwave patterns, but I've never treated a transgenic before, so it might be best to have a specialist look into it. Other than that, my only advice is to wait it out. That was quite a head injury she suffered, so we need to keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary or memory losses for a couple of days."

Alec nodded, but didn't say anything about the mistaken identity. He would try again the next time she woke up. He would keep on trying until…he shook his head sadly. He didn't know how long he was going to keep on trying to fight for his place in her heart.

Max resurfaced into the world of consciousness again. She realized that she was in a dark room. Her eyes dilated to allow more light in so that she could see in the semi-darkness. She tried to move, but stopped. This time, her body no longer felt cold. It felt battered and bruised. Broken.

Fear suddenly seeped into her. She was broken. Nothing in the world could cause this much fear in her than knowing that she was vulnerable. Her breaths started to come out short and shallow. Her fingers clawed on the bed sheets. The rest of her body wouldn't move!

She started making gasping noises, realizing that she was no longer breathing. "No," she whispered into the darkness. She kicked her legs against the bed, arching her back, sending jolts of pain shooting through every joint.

"Max!"

She desperately sought the owner of the voice, her head thrashing left to right. Finally, they fell on the man rising quickly from a chair in the corner of the room. Her eyes found his face, registered the concern and the love, and she calmed down. "Help me," she whispered in a raspy voice.

The man sat by her bedside and stroked her hair soothingly. "Shh…you're safe," he whispered in that calming voice. "I'm here."

Her shaking fingers sought his hand, turning upward in a gesture of supplication and need. He noticed her actions, but she saw him hesitate for a second. Why? "Ben?" she murmured into the darkness.

He stiffened for a second, closed his eyes, but laid his hand over hers, his fingers slipping perfectly between hers. His hand was warm, strong, slightly callused, but still gentle. She tightened her grip…it was like a lifeline to her pulling her out of her fear.

"I'm so scared," she admitted, "Don't leave me, Ben…"

"No, I'm here."

Alec had been napping uncomfortably in his seat in the corner of the room when he had been awoken by a rustling. Then he heard a quiet, desperate, "No!"

His eyes snapped open to find Max struggling in her bed. He could see her fear by her frantic actions. He had never seen Max panic before that he just sat there, a bit transfixed. Until she arched off the bed, her action a sign of sheer, desperate panic. He instantly shot up from his chair. "Max!" he cried worriedly. She could hurt herself. He rushed to her bedside, and saw her lock her eyes on his face, staring desperately at him. He swallowed, not sure if she was seeing him, or Ben.

But he went over to her anyway, and sat by her bed. Her brown eyes shone with a sheen of tears, and his heart ached for her. She looked so lost and so afraid. "Help me," she pleaded, her voice chafing against his heart.

He understood her fear and helplessness. Her body was still recovering, unused to movement and muscle tension for so long. "Shh…You're safe," he assured her. "I'm here."

She relaxed and calmed down. He reached over and ran his hands through her hair, like he had always wanted to do, but she had never been vulnerable enough to let him.

Then her fingers twitched against him. She turned her palm facing upwards, her fingers stretching over towards him. He hesitated. He wasn't sure he could handle that intimacy again knowing that he wasn't the one she wanted. But her fingers continued to extend towards him…

"Ben?"

His heart shattered as she called him by his twin's name again. He closed his eyes so she wouldn't see his pain. But his fingers inched towards her waiting hand. He laid his palm against hers and twined his fingers with hers and squeezed reassuringly. She needed someone at the moment and he couldn't—just couldn't—leave her. Her hand was surprisingly soft and delicate. He resisted the urge to let his thumb caress hers.

He saw the fear ebb from her eyes, her face relaxing. She tightened her grip and whispered, "I'm so scared…Don't leave me, Ben,"

Alec took a deep calming breath, letting another wave of pain wash over him, and then letting it pass. She needed someone at the moment, and for now, it didn't matter whether it was Ben…or Alec. He would be here for her. "No, I'm here."

She closed her eyes, but she didn't fall asleep like he thought she would. She kept her grip tight on his hand.

"Remember when we were kids?" she murmured, her eyes still closed. "Remember when I used to get the shakes?"

Alec didn't. That was a part of her life that belonged solely to his twin. So he stayed quiet. He held her hand and continued to stroke her hair reassuringly.

"You used to let me sleep on your bunk and hold me until the shakes passed."

He nodded. His twin must have really loved her even as a child. Ben had risked severe punishment for letting Max stay with him. It was poignant to know that even in the bleakness of Manticore, Max and Ben had still found a nameless emotion that they now knew as love.

"Hold me, Ben, like you used to," she pleaded.

Alec froze. He couldn't. He wanted her to ask Alec, not Ben! "Max, I don't think…"

But she opened her eyes. Those eyes could render a man helpless, and he found that he couldn't let her down. "Please…just this one time. I need you."

There was such raw vulnerability in her request that Alec knew he couldn't refuse her. This was Max the Strong. Yet here she was just begging to be held. There was something desperately sad in their situation: a strong woman, broken by the world, begging to be comforted, and the wrong man bestowing that comfort, wishing she knew who he was.

Silencing the turmoil in his heart and mind, he nodded, and kicked off his shoes. He laid himself on the bed, on his side, and gathered her into his arms, her back against his chest. He tucked her head safely against the crook of his neck.

It shouldn't have, but God, it felt so right. He felt her lean against him like it was the most natural thing in the world, and he let his hands splay possessively against her flat stomach.

"I never told you before," she whispered into the darkness, "But thank you…"

Alec didn't know what to say to that. So he kept his silence, not wanting to respond. He thought about the irony of it all. Here she was, willingly in his arms, except that she thought he was his dead twin. If it didn't hurt so much, he might have laughed.

"Ben?"

Alec compressed his lips into a tight line. No, Maxie, not Ben. He only pulled her closer in response, unable to verbalize anything at the moment. He wasn't sure how tenuous her mental balance was. And he couldn't bring himself to recommend a psychiatric evaluation just yet. He was afraid that they might tell him he'd lost Max forever—that she would only be a shell of her former self, only kept alive because she was still the prophesized 'cure' for the apocalyptic Coming.

He shook his head and laid a gentle kiss on her hair.

Max closed her eyes and reveled at the way her hand fit in his. She knew that it had been so long since she had touched him, and somehow a part of her had known that she wasn't supposed to be holding on to his hand anymore. But she pushed away that part and just took pleasure in the simple act of holding his hand.

He comforted her soul. A memory assailed her…hazel eyes peering down at her with concern and love…warm arms enveloping her in a comforting embrace, chasing away the demons that wracked her body.

"Remember when we were kids?" she murmured, as the memory played in her mind like an old black-and-white silent movie. "Remember when I used to get the shakes?"

It felt odd that he stayed so quiet. She wanted to remind him of what he had been to her—what he still was. "You used to let me sleep on your bunk and hold me until the shakes passed." She reminded him. She felt oddly hurt that he couldn't seem to remember those moments.

She could still recall how he had looked down at her, all curled up on her bunk, shaking with seizures. How he had picked her up in his arms and laid her down against him on his own bunk. How he had been so gentle and comforting, absorbing the shock of her seizures against his own body—sharing her pain.

She desperately needed that right now. She wasn't seizing, but she felt like she was somewhere in a dark void, her body not her own, her mind desperately grasping at straws to remember what life was like. She knew that she wasn't well, and she was terrified.

He was her only lifeline. "Hold me, Ben, like you used to," she pleaded, opening her eyes.

She saw him tense up, as if in the grip of some strong emotion. Then he was shaking his head, "Max, I don't think…"

"Please…" she begged him, her voice coming out as a hoarse squeak. It hurt that he didn't want to hold her anymore…She felt a darkness roil over her and she gripped his hand, knowing it was the only thing keeping her from slipping back into hell. "Just this one time. I need you."

Finally, he relented and she could hear the soft thud as his shoes dropped onto the floor where he kicked them off. She felt the mattress depress as he laid himself down next to her. He pulled her into his arms and wrapped her in a warm, solid, embrace. The darkness left her and she felt at peace. Loved. Safe.

She realized that this was how she had always felt whenever he had held her close those terrifying nights in her youth. And she realized, she'd never said anything to him before... She felt a keen sense of loss at the thought. Before what? But her mind only answered her with a numbing darkness. "I never told you before, but thank you," she whispered, knowing at least this once, she had told him how much this meant to her.

He was so silent, so still. She could hear the steady rhythm of his heart so close to her ear. She felt her own heart, that had only moments before been beating too slow, respond to and match the strength of his pace.

"Ben?"

She was answered by another taut silence. But he pulled her closer. She felt soft lips drop a gentle kiss on her hair. Strange, but she never remembered him doing that. Nevertheless, it felt right.

"Remember those stories that you used to tell me when I couldn't sleep at night?" she asked, suddenly driven by the need to tell him everything. He was the only thing she remembered and she wanted to share her memories and what they meant to her with him.

"Mmm…" he murmured, the sound reverberating through his chest, making her smile.

"My favorite was the one about the butterfly," she continued in a soft whisper. "I was sad that I didn't have pretty hair like one of the pictures the guards had in his pocket. And you told me that I was going to be a butterfly…"

"…you're going to grow up, Maxie, and be the most beautiful butterfly in the world." said a boy with cropped dark blond hair, his hands forming a shadow puppet of a butterfly against the dull gray walls of their barracks.

"Really, Ben?" asked a dark-eyed, moppet with shorn dark hair. Then the little girl wrinkled her nose. "Does that mean that I'm a caterpillar now? Because I don't think I'm that ugly."

The tall green-eyed boy smiled charmingly at the baby of his Unit. "Don't worry, you're gonna be a butterfly soon…" Then worry had clouded his eyes as the little girl started to shake. He gathered this beloved one into his arms and rocked her soothingly. "And then, you'll be free to fly away from here. I promise."

"I never thanked you, Ben," whispered Max, tears slipping down her cheek. "I knew they were coming for me next because of my shakes. I never thanked you for telling Zack that we had to leave…so that I could live."

"I never told you thank you for keeping the darkness from me," she sobbed. Warm arms held her tight. Incoherent words of comfort were whispered. But suddenly, Max stiffened as she was assaulted by a new memory, one that shattered her.

"You kept the darkness from taking me…but I couldn't do it for you."

"Remember those stories that you used to tell me when I couldn't sleep at night?"

Alec tightened his jaw. No, he didn't, because he wasn't Ben. He never shared these memories with Max. It left a bitter taste in his mouth knowing that his twin brother had staked first claim on her—and somehow had never let go, even in death.

Nevertheless, he was strangely fascinated by the relationship they had. His own Unit at Manticore had never shown any signs or inkling towards this kind of development. Sure, they had all talked to each other at night, but none of them had ever crossed any lines for each other. He was suddenly interested in hearing these stories.

"Mmm…" was all he could muster—he didn't want to acknowledge that he was pretending to be Ben, but he was curious to hear her continue.

She told the story with an innocent candor—the way her memory replayed it to her. He listened attentively to the fairy tale. He had to hand it to his brother, he knew how to cheer Max up. Even now, just telling the story, he could feel her body melt into relaxation, her voice held a slight note of childish enchantment.

Alec soon realized that he couldn't hate Ben. He had loved Max in the best way he had known at the age of twelve. He had comforted a broken child and had given her hope. He had sacrificed everything to give her faith and a chance to live. No, he couldn't hate his brother.

"I never thanked you, Ben," she whispered, her voice solemn. "I knew they were coming for me next because of my shakes. I never thanked you for telling Zack that we had to leave…so that I could live."

Alec suddenly realized that Max was crying. He dared not move, afraid of doing the wrong thing. He let her continue, allowing her the release of her tears.

"I never told you thank you for keeping the darkness from me," she continued to sob.

Alec's heart broke for her, he held her tightly, hoping she would understand that even when he wasn't Ben, he could give her that at least. "Shhh…it's okay, shhh…" he murmured against her hair.

But suddenly, Max stiffened in his arms. He relaxed his hold slightly, knowing that tightening it would only be misconstrued as an attack when a person reacted this way. Then he heard her aching whisper: "You kept the darkness from taking me…but I couldn't do it for you."

Alec's blood ran cold. He swiftly realized that she was hurtling through time from her childhood to the last time she had seen Ben. He wanted to spare her the pain of those memories.

While Max was being broken inside Manticore, Ben had been broken by the outside world. Alec had known that his twin had been an exceptional soldier. Ben had reveled in the tenets of discipline, duty, mission, and loyalty to Manticore. He had been exactly as Manticore had designed him to be. Except for one flaw: he loved a girl named Max.

In the end, Ben had forfeited his own destiny to ensure hers. In the end, he had been the one to break.

"Max, it's not your fault," he assured her, hoping his voice didn't startle her.

"Liar!" she cried, her voice strong and loud, tinged with roughness. "Don't lie to me!" She started to struggle against him and he let her go, knowing that restraining her would only hurt her more.

She tried to get off the bed, but only succeeded in sliding out of it, sliding down onto the floor in a hysterical puddle. "It's all my fault, Ben, all of it."

Alec hopped off on the opposite side of the bed and skirted cautiously around it to approach Max. She was sitting with her back pressed against the wall, her legs pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around those legs. She was staring into the darkness, oblivious of everything.

"You saved me, and I killed you…"

A/N2: I'm stopping here for now before it becomes a train wreck. I need to re-think and re-evaluate the direction of this story…but I'm posting it anyway, because I think that even if I never finish, it can stand on its own. Read and Review and give me suggestions. Thanks!