Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or cheese-doodles. I'm just a broke-as-a-damn-joke college kid. Hop off my nuts, corporations.
Edward was in his room, alone while his wife went out to shop with her two sisters-in-law, Alice and Rosalie. Bored out of his mind, he decided to indulge in a guilty pleasure he had not been able to give in to since he and Bella united in holy matrimony. Smiling to himself, he reached under his bed, his mind searching for any sign of Alice and Rosalie, though they had told him they wouldn't be back until later that night. At the time, the time away from his Bella made him completely distraught; now, it seemed like so little time. If he wanted to finish in time, he had to work quickly.
He opened the cellophane wrapping, thankful the cottage his mother had created for his wedding gift was so far away from the main Cullen mansion, away from prying ears. He got a cheese-doodle out from the bag, looking at it lustfully. Oh, no, it tasted like dirt to him, but he didn't care about how it tasted…Slowly, prolonging the pleasure, he gently shoved the cheese-doodle into his right nostril, moaning as he felt the cheese granules scratch at his sensitive flesh inside his nose. His jeans tightened rather uncomfortably near his groin, and he took off his belt, moaning in relief as some of the pressure was taken off of him, the cheese-doodle now hanging from his nose.
Edward thrust the snack in and out of his nostril, gasping as it scraped the inside of his nostril. His other hand went to unbutton and unzip his pants, and throwing them off his body, leaving him in just his shirt and boxers, in which his member was throbbing. He took off his shirt, taking care not to crush the cheese-doodle in his haste. Then, he tore off his boxers, letting the shreds fall to floor. He lay back on his bed, the cellophane bag next to him for easy access.
Grabbing his hardness with one hand, he took another cheese-doodle and shoved it roughly into his left nostril, moaning louder than he ever had as it scratched him, and the scent of cheese filled him. His hand started to go up and down his shaft, groaning from the pleasure-pain. "Oh, cheese-doodles, you satisfy me more than Bella pussy ever could!" he roared happily, giving into his animalistic side.
"What was that?" A sweet voice, like wind chimes, broke Edward's string of moans and gasps. "Are you making love to cheese-doodles, Edward?"
"O-Of course not, Bella," Edward stammered, completely aware that he was naked with cheese-doodles hanging out of both nostrils, with a raging boner. "What are you doing home so early?"
"I was planning on surprising you," Bella explained in a dead-pan voice, taking off the trench coat she was wearing to reveal the lacy blue lingerie underneath. "Alice said you'd be all over me when I came home."
His eyes widened at his beautiful wife in the amazing lingerie. "Oh, Bella…come here…" he managed to croak out, feeling as though he was going to jizz just from her body alone…and the scent of cheese in his nostril.
"Only if you get rid of the snacks." If looks could kill…Edward would have been beyond dead. He wouldn't even have existed in an afterlife.
"But Bella, love," Edward crooned, "It's what helps me…you know…get off…I've been doing this ever since cheese-doodles had been invented, and, well, old habits die hard."
"You've managed very well for the past five months," she shot back, folding her arms in front of her chest. "Or have you been faking it?" Her eyes bored into his, trying to figure out what was going on in his mind.
"No!" His mouth dropped in shock. "No, you're amazing, Bella! Please, let me indulge this once…"
Bella thought it over, chewing her lip in thought. "Very well…Just. This. Once," she growled, then stripped out of her undergarments, now naked. She crossed over to Edward, and closed her eyes in disgust before lowering herself on his member, her back to him.
Edward groaned in pleasure as she sank onto him. She felt like the finest velvet, and combined with the sensations from the cheese doodles up his nose, he thought he was surely going to die from the ecstasy. He grabbed Bella's hips, thrusting up into her as she rode him, creating a perfect rhythm as he drove deeper and harder inside of her. His head was thrown back in pleasure, and he let out a sharp gasp as he felt his release become imminent.
"Bella!" He roared as he thrust up into her one last time, his seed flowing into her. "Oh, Bella! You're so amazing!" With that, he slumped back to the bed, gasping for air. "Bella…"
She dismounted from her husband and plucked the cheese doodles from his nose, the disgust evident on her face. "Really, Edward? If I were still human…I'd be running back to Jacob…"
"Oh, no, he's in on this, too," Edward smirked. "We used to do this…together…"
Bella blinked in shock for a few minutes, before running away to the cliffs to scream her loudest in horror. She was never seen again.
"Was it something I said?" Edward frowned.