'The finger of blame has turned upon itself, And I am more than willing to offer myself Do you want my presence or need my help? Who knows where that might lead.'
It made me think of the end of The Ladies' Man when Ray gets into his car and just starts crying.
Disclaimers - Fraser, Ray etc all belong to Alliance - lucky guys!
Fall at your Feet
You look so sad and then the tears are falling and I'm not sure what I can do to help. I want to speak to you, tell you that everything's all right, she didn't die, we made the call in time but it was close.
Too close, my fault for being so fond of those dramatic revelations as you call them. Ray my friend, my partner, I put my hand on your shoulder, on the back of your neck trying to communicate how I feel, how much I want to help you through this but you just keep crying. Strange because I'm actually flattered, your tears are proof of how
relaxed you feel, of how much you trust me and my love for you, the love I keep hidden, grows even more because of it.
The lights are on in the houses all around us but we're sitting in a pool of darkness and the tears keep on falling.
"Ray," you look at me like you've only just realised I'm here and you're trying to blink the water from your eyes but it's not going anywhere and I dig into my tunic looking for a handkerchief. I don't know - if this wasn't so sad I would probably be laughing, I feel like a mother cleaning up her child, murmuring the same words of comfort I dimly remember my own mother murmuring to me.
"It's going to be all right, everything will be fine."
"I almost killed her Fraser," your blue eyes meet mine and I can see that my words have not comforted you, I wonder if you even heard them.
"But she didn't die."
"I robbed her of eight years of her life Fraser, she should hate me."
"She doesn't."
"No and that's good cos it makes me feel worse," the anger that I can hear in your voice is directed at yourself and I can't help feeling it's unjustified.
"Ray you were a rookie, everyone makes..."
"Don't Frase!" You face practically collides with mine and you're shouting. "Don't say everyone makes mistakes, okay? This goes behind a mistake, this.. this.."
You can't finish the sentence and you slump back into your seat like you never want to be anywhere else but there. Carefully I reach out one hand smooth back that blonde hair that I love so much, then I put my hand back on your neck. You're tense and I let my fingers dig into the muscles, this at least I can do something about even if I can't ease the pain inside.
"Fraser I screwed up big time," you sound resigned and I know that you've already pronounced sentence on yourself. "Let's face it Fraser I'm just one big screw-up."
"No Ray, you're not." My words don't convince you and suddenly I know what I have to do and it's probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Who would have thought that three little words could be so frightening.
"Ray," I take your face in my hands and see your blue eyes open wide with surprise. "You are not a screw-up. I couldn't.." I swallow and almost don't finish the sentence but your expression tells me that if I don't it will make you feel worse and that is the last thing I want. "I couldn't love a screw-up."
Your arms go around me and you're crying again, I'm not sure if this was what I intended but you break away from me before I can return the embrace.
"Fraser.. Ben," my heart leaps when you say my name like that. "I don't want to be alone tonight." Then you kiss me and it feels so right, so perfect that I kiss you right back.
The end.