Hey guys! This is my first fic so... yeah it might suck, but hey it also might not!
Warning! Self harm.
Song: Hurt by Johnny Cash
p.s. Feel free to point out any grammar/spelling mistakes :)
Love y'll! xoxoxo ENJOY!
I awoke with a start when something slammed in to my face.
"Wake up you loser!" Someone shouted and then my room door slammed shut.
I sighed picking the book up off my face, that would have been Zachariah. He has been waking me up that way for the past three months. I'm pretty sure the books keep getting bigger too. Looking at the cover, I found that it was my old leather bound bible, now that's just wrong! Throwing a bible at someones face. I moaned rolling over in bed, pulling my covers up over my head I tried to borrow as far in as I could get.
After laying there for about five minutes my alarm went off loudly. Swearing I sat up and taped at my phone screen until it went quite. Sighing again I threw my covers off and put my feet to the ground. Running my hand over my face I tried to wipe the feeling of dread away. However I knew that it wouldn't go away, It never did, I lived in a consent state of dread. Rather it was from having to go to school or come home, neither option was good. Heaving myself up, off my bed I headed for the bathroom.
I could hear the shower running so I stopped and knocked on the door.
"Go away!"Anna shouted over the shower. It seemed that these days everyone was shouting at me. "I need to take a shower! Stop hogging the bathroom!" I yelled back, "Castiel! Don't yell!" my dad's voice boomed from down stairs. Sighing once again I walked back to my bedroom figuring I could live one day without a shower. Pulling out a par of black skinny jeans and a green long sleeve shirt, I stopped to look at my self in the mirror. Pulling my pajama shirt up, I examined the bruises on my back. Most were turning that ugly color of yellow old bruises did, but some were just coming into a vibrant purple and blue. I winced as I poked at one covering most of my ribs.
I pulled my shirt off over my head, wincing at the movement. I stepped out of my plaid pajama pants and was working my way into my skinny jeans when there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" I called desperately searching for my shirt that had some how gotten lost in the covers on my bed.
"It's me." my brain instantly calmed down as it recognized Luke's voice. "Come on in." he was already turning the door nob by the time I had finished speaking. He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw my newest bruises. "Who the fuck did theses?" he asked looking like he was about to rip someone's head off. " Luke calm down it's nothing."
"Castiel you can't just let them do this to you! Bring it up with dad I'm sure he'll do something."
"Yeah, but what if he finds out why this is happening? In fact that's going to be the first question that comes out of he mouth. Plus it wont do any good, it'll just make it worse." I rambled on. My breath started to become quick and I looked up at Luke panicked.
"For fuck sakes Castiel calm down!" He said ruffly to get through to me. My breath quickened even more and Luke put a calming hand down on my shoulder. The weight somehow grounding me. I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath and counted to three before releasing it. "Where's your meds?" he asked, walking over to my bedside table to search for them. "Drawer." I said well releasing a breath trying to calm myself. He walked back over and handed me my little white pill. I quickly took it from him and swallowed it down with out a farther thought.
After a few minutes of deep breaths I had calmed down enough to finish getting ready.
"We needed to do something! Even if it's not talking , but we have to do something! You nearly had another panic attache. That's the fifth time this week and it's only Wednesday!"
"Luke please just don-" I was interrupted by fits slamming in to my door multiple times "We have to leave soon get your ass down stairs!" this time it was Raphael. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to ten before I continued. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine!"
"Well I damn hope so because your my favorite sibling." he said with a teasing smile. Standing from my bed he walked over and pulled me in to a hug, kissing my forehead as he pulled away. He smiled, "Take care of your self today! You know I'm always a phone call away."
"Thanks Luke!" I said with a smile. Pulling a hoddie on over my clothing, Pulling the sleeves down to cover the scars that littered my arms.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
POV: Dean.
* BANG, BANG, BANG.* Blinking awake, I sat up groggy.
"Dean, get your ass out of bed! We're going to be late!"
"What? What time is it?"
"Time to get a watch!" Sam yelled and then walked away laughing. I slid out of bed, grabbing my towel I walked to the bathroom. Turning the shower on hot, I stepped out of my underwear. Hissing as the hot water burned as it washed over my skin. Quickly washing my hair I then let the hot water run over me, taking with it the stress of once again starting at a new school. Hopefully It will be the last time. Sense dad moves around a lot because of his job, he sent us to stay with our uncle Bobby.
Bobby isn't our real uncle. He's a close family friend, that dad has known forever. They meet after Mom died. You see, when I was young we use to live in Lawrence. But when my mom died dad started moving us around. He got a job as a bounty hunter so we have to go where the job takes him.
"Dean... get out of the shower!" Sam wined, "I want to start this right! And that means not being late!" Rolling my eyes I turned off the shower. Instantly missing the warmth. Walking back to my room I grabbed the clothes I had picked out last night. My old Led Zeppelin t-shirt and a par of skinny jeans that seemed to fit just right without being to tight.
I ran down the stairs two at a time, skipping the last three I landed heavily on my feet.
"There you are!" Sam said rolling his eyes. "Ready to go bitch?" I said grabbing a piece of buttered toast of the plate that was in front of him. "Jerk!" Sam Sighed, stood, grabbed his backpack and walked out to my baby a 1967 Chevy impala .
"Be safe you two! I expect you both back in one piece." Bobby said
"yep" I mumbled as I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
Sam was waiting in the car, practically vibrating with excitement. I smiled as I saw how nervous and excited he was. I wish I could give a shit like he does. I started the car and Ramble On came blasting through the car speakers. Sam jumped cursing, he yelled at me to turn it down, Laughing I turned it down a few still keeping it loud enough to drown out my thoughts.
Sam was quite and wouldn't stop moving the whole ride to his school. Turning down the music I told him "you'll be fin," I added a comforting smile at the end. "But what if I nobody likes me. What if I don't make friends and I'm all alone, what if my teachers are mean. What if I get lost and I'm late to all my classes"
"Oh stop it with the what if's. They aren't going to get you anywhere. You'll make friends you always do."
"Yeah but that's just because we never stay so if I screw up it doesn't even matter."
"Just be your self and it'll all be okay." I rested a hand on his shoulder and tried to get him to relax. "Hey, at least you don't have gym first." I tried to joke. It had worked, he cracked a smile and gave me a sympathetic look. "yeah I know right! It's just ridiculous to be new student and be put in gym first thing on Monday morning."
I pulled into the parking lot and parked my baby. Walking into the school, everyone's head seemed to snap in my direction. Cold herd eyes staring at me. Holding back a shiver that tempted to run down my spine, I gave an easy lade back smile. The girls eyes were full of want and the guys stared jealously. Walking to the gym I went to talk to the couch.
After a brief conversation he nodded his head in the direction of the locker rooms. As I went to turn the corner to walk into the boys locker room there was a sudden force and I found myself stumbling backwards. Looking up to curse at the person to watch where they were walking (even though I'm probably the one who needed to be watching) I found myself staring into a set of blue eyes.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
POV: Castiel.
*Thud * I was knocked backwards into the wall. Cursing as something pointy dug in between my bruised ribs. Looking up at a dirty blond, green eyed boy, I flinched waiting for the blow. "Sorry," I mumbled quickly trying to discourage a full on beating. As soon as the guy looked up, our eyes met, green to blue. He seemed ready for a fight, the longer he stared at me the more nervous I became. His posture seemed to relax, he bent down to grab his bag that he had dropped. This was my moment, if I was to escape a beating I had to leave. Now! Springing into action I quickly bent down grabbing my discarded bag by the strap, Mumbling another "sorry" I brushed past him and practically ran away.
Walking past the gym teacher I headed for the door. "Mr. Novak, you leave now and you will be back here in detention after school." Mr. Roman voice chased after me. I really couldn't bring myself to care. I headed straight for the closest bathroom. Gasping for air in front of the mirror, I looked up into my reflection. I looked tired like I hadn't slept in weeks. Which was mostly true. My hair was a mess and stuck up in every direction. Sighing I ran a hand through my hair trying to tame it. It was a fitful attempt that if anything made it worse. I walked over to the wall, letting myself slid down it until I found myself siting on the floor, and that's when the tears started to come, and once they started I couldn't stop them.
When the bell rang alerting me of second period I pulled myself up off the floor and straitened my clothes. Pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt down covering almost all the way over my finger tips, I walked of to my next class. My days were spent avoiding the people that will actually notice me and trying as hard as possible in class.
I was walking to my lunch spot- because I didn't dare step foot in the cafeteria -when someone slammed into me from behind. Shoving me into the lockers. Hissing I turned to face my attacker. Looking into the long nosed face the belonged to Alastair I tried not to wimpier. Shoving me hard again my back slammed in to the locker's lock. Those where the worst. The left nasty little bruises that hurt for weeks.
A fist slammed into my face the force causing my head to bounce back of the locker. Blood ran down my face from my nose.
"Hey freak!" Alastair sneered,
"Would you leave me alone?! Please!" I nearly begged.
"And why would I do that?"
"What have I ever done to you?"
"What. Have. You. Done." He said punctuating each word with a punch to the ribs. I gasped as he hit my already bruised ribs.
"Think, Novak. Think." he punched me full on in the stomach. I crumpled to the floor with a cry. He kicked me again and then walked off.
I pushed myself up into a sitting position. Wincing, I put a hand to my ribs and leaned against the lockers. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing through the pain. I don't know how long I had been sitting there when a voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Are you okay?" My eyes shot open and I found myself staring into the same green eyes that landed me in detention. I let out an embarrassing squeak and struggled to my feet. My world started to tip, my stomach lurched and I started to fall forwards.
"Whoa! Take it easy!" Green eyes caught me as I fell. Righting myself I looked at the ground.
"Thanks." I muttered, bending over to pick up my bag. I inhaled sharply.
"Are you okay?" He asked again.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I said through gritted teeth.
"You don't seam so fine."
"Look I said I'm fine so just fuck off." I growled at him. In a quick movement to get it over with I bent down and garbed my bag. Swinging it over my shoulder I went to walk away.
"Wait!" Green eyes said as I turned away.
"What do you want?" I demanded.
"Nothing." He mumbled and looked at the ground. Rolling my eyes I walked away.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
POV: Dean
What was this guys problem? I wondered to myself. I didn't do anything to him why was he acting so strange? I shrugged and tried to moved on with my day. However I found that my thoughts kept wondering back to the blue eyed boy. After lunch I walked into my chemistry class. And what do you know the only seat left was the one right next to blue eyes.
"Why hello! You must be Dean," A sweet voice said. Turning towards the voice I smiled at the older women. "Yes," She turned to the class and cleared her throat "class this is Dean Winchester, is there anything you would like to say to the class?" I shook my head, "Alright then, Dean you can take a seat in the back next to Castiel."
I gave a quick smile and then headed to the back. "Castiel... hum that's an interesting name. I'm guessing it has to be religious." Sitting down I offered one of my killer smiles at Castiel. He turned his head and focused back on the book he was reading. "Hey, I'm Dean." I tried again to get his attention. He looked up at me briefly but without saying a word went back to reading. "Gee what is this guys problem?" Sighing I pulled out my notebook and a pencil and waited for the lesson to begin.
After a quick run through of the classes plan we started a lab. "Everyone find a partner. We now have an even number so everyone should have a partner. "Hey, wanna be my partner?" I asked Castiel,
"Alright," My head snapped up and I stared at him, his deep voice taking me by surprise. "You know your going to have to talk." I tried to joke. "I will talk when necessary" he murmured at his notebook. The data sheets were being passed around and when someone got to handing one to Castiel they dropped it on the floor instead. I herd him sigh before the paper even hit the ground. Bending down I picked up the sheet before he could. "Here," I said simply putting it on his desk. "Thanks." We were doing some kind of lab with popcorn. Looking down at what we needed, I stood up and went to grab everything.
When I came back Castiel started to set up the lab while I read through the procedure. We got everything set and then we had to wait fifteen minutes for the popcorn to pop.
"So... Castiel? Are you religious or something?"
"Yes, my parents more so then me. My dad is head of the local church" he sated simply.
"Wow, You go to church often?"
"Every Sunday," he started to scribble in his notebook for a moment before he stopped and looked up at me. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you go to church?" I gave a nervous laugh, " Ah, no I don't," He nodded once and then went back to writing whatever it was he was writing. "So where did a name like Castiel come from?" I asked out of the blue. "I am named after the angel of Thursday."
"Interesting, were you born on a Thursday?"
"Yes I was or else I would be named after a different angle." I started to laugh, and he smiled. God his smile was the pretest thing I have seen I a long time (other then his eyes). Jesus Dean what the fuck is wrong with you!? You just meet this guy! And he's a guy! You don't think about guys like that! You are not gay!
"I think we might be burning our popcorn..." he said braking me out of my thoughts. I looked up at our lab and sure enough there was smoke coming out of the cover.
"I think you might be right..." we exchanged a look and then I started to laugh. He gave a quiet chuckle that came with another one of those smiles. He reached forward, garbed the tongs and pulled the cover off of the container. More smoke and a burning smell came out of it. Mrs. Tran came over to us and looked at our popcorn. "Boys, I think you may have burnt it." I laughed again rubbing the back of my head. Castiel stood up and peered inside, "Yeah..." he tried to dump out the popcorn and a only a little bit of ash cam out. "try again." Mrs. Tran said with a chuckle before walking away. I stood up and took the container out of Castiel's hands and went to wash it.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way
POV: Castiel
I watched as Dean walked away to wash the popcorn out of the container. Why was he so okay talking to me? He must have herd some of the rumors by now. I almost forgot that I couldn't get close. I had to shut myself down and lock him on the outside. Every one will leave in the end. That doesn't change.
Shaking the thoughts out of my head I started to set up the lab again. When Dean came back I put new popcorn in the container and went back to finishing my homework for Lit class. "So... Why do you think it burned?" Dean asked, "We left it to long." I stated. This was the most I had talked to someone outside my family or a teacher In long time and it needed to stop.
The second time we got the popcorn to actually pop. When class was over I quickly stood and gathered my stuff. If I rushed I could beat Alastair and his goons to my next class. I started to walk away when I herd Dean call out to me, "Castiel! Wait!" I continued to walk away but was paying to much attention to what Dean said to step over the foot that was thrown out in front of me. Tripping on god only knows who's leg, I stumbled and tried to catch my balance again. However my balance ran far and fast and I could not catch it, so I went flying and slid across the classroom floor. The class all laughed and Mrs. Tran hushed them, But they continued to laugh. Quickly gathering my books that had fallen out of my bag I ran out the door.
Walking into the closest guys bathroom and shut and looked the door. Rummaging through my bag until I found what I was looking for, what I desperately needed. Pulling out the razor blade I took a deep breath. Felling the anxiety calm I rolled up my sleeve and lined the blade up with my wrist. Pushing the blade in and dragging it across, the whole world seemed to disappear and suddenly I was back in control. Repeating this action three more times my breathing came back to normal and every thing didn't seam so bad. Looking down I watched blood drip off my arm, something that would have anyone else worried and it calmed me. Walking over to the sink I washed my arm and pressed a paper towel on the cuts, hissing as the stinging began. Rolling down my sleeve I picked up my discarded messenger bag, put the blade back in, slung it over my shoulder and walked off to my next class.