avatar: Yes, after months of messing around in the cartoon crossovers section, I finally have my own story to post here. Granted, it's only a oneshot, but a story is a story. The main fandom is Clerks (the Animated Series), but it is rife with cameos from other shows, plus a video game, another author's fanfiction, and more. Gotta figure out 'em all!
Elias: Why aren't I in the fic, Mr. jk137?
avatar: because there was no room or need for an innocent nerd in this fic. Just like there was no need for Leo, that rich gay supervillain.
Elias: avatarjk137 does not own Clerks (the Animated Series), or any other franchise in here. He only owns Faggi™ Seasoning and the contents of this story.
After These Messages
A deep, confident voice said deeply and confidently, "We'll be back… after these messages." The voice was very reassuring; there would never be a doubt in the viewers' minds that they would be back after the messages. They would.
"Awww," Randall sighed. "I hate commercial breaks." He stretched and yawned. "And this is one of my favorite movies."
"You know what I hate?" Dante asked, taking a sip of iced green tea from a ridiculously large can. "I hate that customer behind the counter who's bitching about your poor service. You should go take care of her."
And a customer there was: A teenaged girl with blue eyes and a long, dark blonde ponytail was angrily going on about her movie behind the counter. "And I took home the case, which clearly said "Empire Records: Special Fan Remix Edition," she ranted, flipping her ponytail back over her shoulder so it didn't obscure the "I Heartage Rory Cochran" caption on her T-shirt. "So I opened it up, and I expected to find the Special Fan Remix Edition DVD in there, right? And what do I find?"
"The Emperor Records: Special Fan Remix Edition DVD?" Randall asked absently, popping a pizza roll whole into his mouth.
"NO!" Her exclamation caused the "Hugh Laurie Iz Mah Bishie" windbreaker she wore to flap up, exposing the disturbing image on her T-Shirt in its entirety. "I found, if you can believe it, the REGULAR EDITION Empire Records DVD! And I was all like, 'what the crap, man? I should come back here and stab these people!' So I cooled off a little on the way, but…"
Dante knew a fateful decision had to be made, and made then and there. "I'll see what I can do to help you out." Even though he didn't even work at the video rental part of the small business, he worked at the convenience store half and was out on lunch break hanging with Randall. He walked over to the customer, sighing at his childhood friend's gross lack of motivation.
"Thank you," the obsessed fangirl said insincerely, flashing a smile full of sharp teeth.
"I owe you one, bud," Randall said as he cracked a beer.
"No problem, ma'am," Dante said warmly. He turned to Randall. "You owe me 784 now, Randall. I'm starting to think you have no intention of paying me back."
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Randall asked, changing the channel on the little television. CLICK. Dante didn't bother trying to talk to Randall further; he knew Randall would at least pretend what he had just switched to was too encompassing to respond.
"The Babel Fish is what many consider to be proof positive of the nonexistence of God."
"Ugh! A documentary!" CLICK.
"Ding! Fries are done. Ding! Fries are done. Wait for the bell. Here is the bell. Wait, for, the, bell… Ding… fries… are… dooone."
"That sure was weird." CLICK.
WHACK! "Side effects may include: I just kicked your ing ass!"
"That's how you do it!" CLICK.
"Gir… why is there bacon in this soap?"
"I MADE IT MYSELF!"
"Heh… bacon soap will just cause acne!" CLICK.
"Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?"
"Worst. Talking dog. Ever. Except for the chatty miniature version of him." CLICK.
"'Q'?... Ed, where's the X?"
"Ugghh… A, B, C, D, L-M-N-O-G, Double D. Don't you know your alphabet?"
"This show's funny, but the Squiggle-vision makes my eyes itch." CLICK.
"Dad, where are the jockeys?"
"Well, they're at home, son. I'm going Indian today."
"Heh, underwear." CLICK.
"Head-on, apply directly to the-"
"NO!" CLICK.
"Retuurrrn the slaaab, or suffer my currrrrse."
"AAAGGGHHH!"
"Now that's how you do a talking dog!" CLICK.
"What's the difference between YOU and ME?!"
"… … … webbed toes?"
"Ahaha, that villain has webbed toes!" CLICK.
---
Dante cheerily waved the girl off, his own false smile poorly slathered onto his strained face. That girl had been nice enough, but there had been something extremely off-putting about her. Suddenly, an irritatingly familiar voice crept thru the door, slithered up the aisles, and squirmed into Dante's ear. And those words said the most despicable thing. They said, "SNOOCHIE-BOOCHIES!"
"Not them…" Dante groaned, rubbing his temples. Suddenly, he had an idea. He had recently thought up a device that was designed exclusively to get the notorious Jay and Silent Bob off the store's doorstep, if just for a moment. He had spent a week designing and building the device, but if they were kept away for a few moments a day, it would be worth it in the very long run. And Dante, by now, was resigned to the fact that he would work at the convenience store for the VERY LONG RUN. It had worked the first three times, and this would be voyage number four. He flipped open a hidden glass panel (an identical one was below the counter at the convenience store, dangerously close to the silent alarm) and pressed a red button. Immediately, the world's most evil music began playing nearby, at a slowly diminishing volume.
"Yo, lunchbox, it's that hot ice cream girl again! I've got some major munchies, let's go hit on her for free cookie sammiches!" The footsteps that had been advancing on the door were now retreating, with a cry of "This time we'll get her, fatso!" But they would not get her. The ice cream truck music was, in actuality, a hidden speaker in an alley two blocks down programmed to play the music very loudly at first, and slowly get quieter until stopping 42 seconds later, confusing the friendly drug dealers. Dante sighed with satisfaction and turned back to the television screen.
"Hey, how'd all this skin get on my arm?" RRIIPP!
"AAHHH!"
"Quagmire, put your skin back on! One of us is about to go crazy!"
"Isn't that the third time you've switched to that channel?"
"No, the same show has different episodes playing on three channels." CLICK.
"But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: a can of Whoop-Ass!"
"That's not how I remember the show."
"I think this was the prototype," CLICK, "or some crap like that."
"But then a frog came along and ate the muffin… VIA OSMOSIS!"
"Hey Dante, what's osmosis again?"
"It's when you absorb things through your skin."
"I wish I could do that with Red Bull. The stuff tastes like mad scientist piss." CLICK.
"But little does Dexter know Monkey is actually MONKEY!"
"What's up with all these shows making me think?" Randall asked. CLICK.
"I dunno, why are you asking me these questions?"
"SHH!"
"Miracle City: a spicy cesspool of crime and-"
"Cesspools aren't generally spicy," Dante said with interest.
"Whatever." CLICK.
"I'm just a prom night dumpster baby… prom night dumpster baby… and I'm takin' a stroll…"
"He's takin' a stroll…"
"Man, what is WITH this show?!"
"Actually, I like the show." CLICK.
"Then why did you change the channel?"
"I don't want to get hooked on anything else. Our program will be back on in a minute and a half."
"…Unleashed an UNSPEAKABLE EVIL! BUT, a foolish samurai warrior, wielding a magic-"
"Slideshow style? Lame." CLICK.
"Big deal! He's full of bones, you know!"
"Hey! I could take offense to that!" Randall protested.
"Yeah, but you won't," Dante answered.
"Good point." CLICK.
"If this mission fails… if we are unsuccessful… we have no future."
"Overdramatic much?" CLICK.
"I liked that show! And I haven't seen it in years!"
"Then read the friggin' manga. Or rent an episode, we probably have them somewhere around here."
"Who would like to join me in the ritual of staying up late and watching cartoons with sugary snacks tonight?"
"Were you Ami in a previous life that's happening right now?"
"Damn, it's a rerun."
"When are the new frickin' episodes going to start anyway? There can't be more than a few more until the season ends!" CLICK.
"Ohhhhh… Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a bitch-bitch-bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!"
"Now THAT'S a show," Randall said appraisingly. CLICK.
"Did I forget your birthday? Is that what this is about?"
"Hah. He's a blue guy! And he's scared out of his mind!" CLICK.
"I am Dimentio, master of dimensions, pleaser of crowds!"
"You aren't pleasing me." CLICK.
"Wasn't he a videogame character?"
"For the last time, shut it!"
"1-2-3-4-5-6-7!"
"Seven. Seven prostitutes."
"What, this show AGAIN?!"
"Yo, this show is the bomb!" Jay walked through the door with Silent Bob in tow, causing Dante to bite his lip. "You guys know you have the fastest hot ice cream chick in town? We didn't even see her!" Silent Bob just rolled his eyes.
"Really. Well, I saw her." Randall readjusted his body in the seat and changed the channel again. CLICK.
"Ooh, keep this!" Jay pleaded. "It's my most favorite commercial."
"This is the channel we started on anyway."
A handsome young man with a sharp black suit, a vaguely oriental complexion, and untamed chest-length black hair stood in front of a blank background, head down and eyes closed. Then he lifted his head, opened his eyes to reveal yellow irises and serpentine, slitted pupils, and gave an uncharacteristically warm smile. "Hello, I'm Chase Young, immortal evil villain extraordinaire."
A tall, thin creature stepped onto the stage and joined Chase. The monster had glowing yellow eyes and blades protruding from its wrists, but the strangest thing about it was that it was composed entirely of bittersweet chocolate. "And I'm Death By Chocolate, game show staff member and a valuable contributor to the evildoing community."
"Like all evil humans that became immortal," Chase explained, "I have to use an evil object to maintain my eternal life and youth. In this case, a bowl of dragon soup. Now, there is a rumor going around that dragon meat is tasty. IT ISN'T. How do I choke the stuff down before every day of major battling? With Faggi™ Seasoning!" Between them on the background, a brown bottle with a purple-on-green label appeared, rotating tantalizingly on the screen.
"In my game show, contestants are forced to eat things that aren't very delicious," Death By Chocolate admitted, "or even edible. But with just a spray of Faggi™, they'll eat ANYTHING! Even the least appetizing thing you could think of becomes almost as mouth-watering as chocolate!" The screen panned to Jake Long, who had a swelling in his belly the size and shape of a dumpster.
"It… it was good," Jake burped weakly.
"Faggi™ Seasoning! Buy it now, or we'll fking KILL you!" A superfast line of text scrolled across the bottom: "Faggi™-may-cause-heart-damage-brain-damage-kidney-damage-liver-damage-nerve-damage-swollen-feet-swollen-hands-swollen-member-swollen-gums-bleeding-gums-bleeding-eyes-bleeding-hearts-bleeding-ears-abnormal-heart-rate-abnormal-skin-color-abnormal-hair-color-abnormal-eye-color-a-power-level-of-OVER-NINE-THOUSAND-crushing-your-scanner-growth-of-horns-wings-or-tail-priopism-barrel-chestedness-do-a-barrel-roll-growing-a- Faggi™-producing-udder-headache-backache-neckache-nausea-heartburn-indigestion-upset-stomach-diarrhea-HEY-PEPTO-BISMOL-and-dying-in-your-true-love's-arms. Do-not-drop-Faggi™-or-leave-Faggi™-near-an-open-flame. Best of luck to you."
"I love that commercial," Jay sighed dreamily.
"It does rock," Dante nodded approvingly.
"What are we watching?" Silent Bob asked.
"SHUSH! It's on!" Randall yelled.
"And now back… to Dogma…"
End of Story
Hope you enjoyed the fic. There's a prize to whomever figures out the most cameo roles. Maybe. Don't count on it. And my lovely beta Yellowfur can't enter. I would like to thank her, Kevin Smith, all other cartoon creators involved, the supportive folks at the Disney Parodies - Too Many? forum, Jimperator (because I can), and... the Academy.