Just a stormy night
A loud crack. In a heartbeat, I'm on my feet, holding my wand, staring at Harry's cradle.
He is still sleeping. I sigh.
"It's just a thunder, Jim," Lily says quietly. She's already sitting on our bed, her eyes filled with worry.
Still holding my wand, I sit by her side, sweating a bit. As she inches closer, I try to keep my breath steady.
We weren't supposed to live like that. We weren't supposed to live in fear, hiding ourselves from even our dearest friends.
Back to my Hogwarts days, when nothing seemed to put me down, I was always full of myself, always recklessly joking and fooling around like the outside world was a distant threat. Back then, it was Lily who had to chill me down, remembering me I was not that important, remembering me there was more in life than hexing Snape and winning quidditch matches. Back then, Sirius, Remus, Peter and I were inseparable. We were happy in our teenage ignorance, we kept roaming around the whole castle like nothing could stop us, we had fun even in those full moon nights that were supposed to be Remus's own personal nightmares….
Now I'm here, awaken by a thunderstorm, wondering if I'll be able to let my son live for another day. I'm here, putting my friend's loyalty in question, precisely that one friend I swore to support for the rest of my life. I can't stand that. I can't stand thinking that he could be betraying us… And yet, thing is one of us is… and Sirius has a point suspecting on Remus. In this chaos we are living, I have to keep secrets from those who I most love. And I hate it.
I look at Lily as another lightning strikes. The green in her eyes wants to assure me everything is going to be alright, that it is just a storm, that it will go away, but her lips can't form the words, for she doesn't really believe them.
In the past, she kept telling me to take things more seriously, now she's the one who cheers me up, who wants me to believe our love is enough….
But I hold our gaze long enough so that I see tears forming in her eyes, tears that do not fall. Because she won't let them. Because she's better than that, she's stronger than me. She's always been.
I hug her firmly, never easing the grip in my wand. As I rest my chin on her shoulder, I can't help but let my tears fall through my cheeks.
For the first time in my life, I feel completely powerless. The war itself isn't a problem. I would be more than happy to join my friends and fight to death against Voldemort if that meant a better future to my son. But it doesn't. Thanks to that stupid prophecy, the one person I most want to protect is the main target of Voldemort.
Thus, all I have to do – all I can do – is stay home and look for my family. And deep inside I know the moment Voldemort gets through that door nothing will be able to stop him.
I've always been a man of actions rather than a man of words, I've always liked to take the lead, to take risks and deal with the consequences of my own acts. It's not in my nature to just sit down and accept my fate. But then, what else could I possibly do?
Lily holds me tighter and it takes me tons of self-control to hold my cry.
"We're doing our best," she says, her voice sounding much steadier than mine would.
"I know," I whisper back, even though we both know our best might not be enough.
For a while, we just sit there hugging each other, lost in our sorrow, listening to the sounds of heavy rain. I'm still devastated, but having her that close to me helps me get to my senses. Slowly, my heart returns to beat in its normal pace and my breath seems to calm down.
"Sorry about that," I murmur on her shoulder. I use the back of my hand to dry my tears before sitting back to look Lily in the eyes.
She kindly offers me a half-smile. "No need for that."
"Of course there is. We're in this together. We're both going through the same thing and I'm the only one -"
"There's nothing wrong in feeling miserable sometimes, James," she replies, and the humidity in her eyes tells me she understands it way more than I would be able to explain. "We just do what we gotta do and hope for the best."
"It shouldn't be like this," I mutter to myself, staring at the endless droplets of water colliding with the window. I feel Lily's hand brushing mine, comforting me, telling me she shares my frustration, but there's nothing else she can do.
The wind blows harder. There's another lightning. I look across the room and I see Harry still calmly sleeping.
"We'd better get some rest, shall we?"
I'm not really fond of the idea of giving chance for another nightmare to surround me, but my weary body reminds me I've had enough restless nights for a lifetime. So I just nod, putting my wand on my bedside table as she slides back under the sheets.
"I love you," I whisper, staring at those bright green eyes.
"Love you too," she smiles and I kiss her softly. For a moment – and just for that brief moment – the room feels safe enough.
We lie in bed in silence, her head resting on my chest. We both know sleep won't come anytime soon, but there's nothing else we can say to each other. Some things are better left unsaid.
I'm not sure what to expect from tomorrow. I'm not sure there is even going to be a tomorrow. All I know is we will keep fighting together, even if that means just hiding, waiting, hoping….
It's just a stormy night, but I don't think it will go away.
A/N: I know this is really simple, but I just felt like writing it down. Thanks a lot for stopping by and, if you can, leave a comment ;P