An Unexpected Valentine's Day

a Family Guy fanfic based on Villains' Bad Girl's universe

by DecaTilde

Author's Note: This is based on a request that UltimateLeaf7 made. However, while it is an adaptation of the Season 11 episode "Valentine's Day in Quahog", things are going to be a little different.

Chapter 1 - Brian's Exes, and a Reunion

It all started in the middle of February 14, Valentine's Day, in the Griffin house. Brian and Barbara were in the kitchen; it was their first Valentine's Day with their second litter, Janet and Jonathan. Their first litter, Briana, Ollie, Jenny and Marcus, were all in their dog-year teens and not ready to move out on their own yet. However, they, like their parents, had their plans for the day.

"Happy Valentine's Day, honey," Brian addressed his wife.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you, Brian," Barbara addressed back. "Whenever you're ready, I'll go get my hat, jacket and purse."

The two had planned a very special dinner date for two for the night.

Brian happily shook his head. "I'm not ready yet, Barbara," he replied, "but I will be."

"Oh, Brian," Stewie addressed, coming into the kitchen from the living room, "there you are. Look, I've been thinking about you, and I believe I've come up with a solution to your problem."

"What are you talking about?" Brian replied. "I don't have a problem, not while I have Barbara."

"Really?" Stewie replied back. "Well, follow me."

"What's going on?" Brian asked as he hopped off his chair and followed Stewie.

Stewie led Brian to the living room, where the White Labrador widened his eyes in shock.

"Oh, my God."

The reason for his shock was that all the ex-girlfriends Brian had dated, including Jillian Russel-Wilcox, Tracy Flannigan (who bore a human son named Dylan with him), Seabreeze Pewterschmidt (Carter's greyhound), Kate (the blind girl with a hatred for dogs), Cheryl Tiegs (who Brian stole from his rival neighbor Glenn Quagmire), Ida Davis (Glenn's transgendered father who Brian had sex with at the Marriott), Rita (the cougar Brian dated), Carolyn (an atheist like Brian), and Brooke Roberts (the titular Bachelorette that Brian won a reality show for), had gathered together.

"Stewie, what the hell?!" Brian shouted. "These all all my ex-girlfriends!"

"What's going on out there?" Barbara asked, coming into the kitchen. She stopped short to see the exes in the room. "Good Lord!"

"Well," Stewie replied, to Brian, "I thought they might provide some insights." He continued, to the exes, "Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are all here because you have dated this great guy." Brian took this poorly. "Yet somehow, things didn't work out. My objective is to figure out why."

"I don't know," Rita began. "The word 'self-absorbed' comes to mind."

"And pretentious," Carolyn added.

"Definitely pretentious," a girl behind Carolyn agreed.

"And he's got a big Eggo!" Jillian added.

"Okay," Stewie guessed, "we seem to have a theme going here."

"Oh, come on!" Brian shrugged. "You're all just mad because I didn't want to be with you."

"Brian, is this true?" Barbara asked, scared.

"Shh," Brian shushed her, a finger to his mouth.

"I think Brian's a wonderful man," Ida informed the rest of the exes. "He's just spending some time with his mate rather than coming to terms with his own sexuality."

"I agree with the transgendered dad of the person Brian and I can't stand," Barbara replied.

"You can't stand my Glenn?" Ida repeated to Barbara.

"Shut up, Ida," Brian regarded.

"He's insecure," Cheryl informed.

"And a blowhard," added a girl next to Cheryl.

"And he's got a tiny penis!" Brooke added.

"Brian's penis is not tiny!" Barbara shouted. "It just isn't visible, since cartoons can't show animal genitalia!"

"Yeah," Stewie regarded, "that was pretty clear by the survey." He then pulled out a wine bottle. "Okay, who wants some wine?"

"This is great," Ida said, pulling out his wine glass so Stewie could pour him some. "We should do this every day."

"No!" Brian disagreed. "We're not going to do this every day!"

"What's wrong?" Rita shrugged. "We're just being honest."

"Oh, you want honest?" Brian began to call out, pointing to every ex in turn, starting with Rita. "You're an old bag! Your vomit tastes weird!" Brooke. "You have no idea why you're here!" Jillian. "You chose to be on The Hills!" Lauren Conrad. "You still have bits of penis left!" Ida. "And you're a blind whore who hates dogs!" Kate.

Barbara gasped, horrified.

"Why, you...!" she shouted in rage, lunging at her.

"And you," Brian continued, pointing at Stewie, "you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room!"

Stewie seemed to calm down, drinking some wine from his glass, before seriously shouting to the exes, "Get him!"

Uh-oh, now Brian has done it. He ran out of the house with most of the exes chasing him. The only exception was Kate, whom Barbara had merciliessly fought, scratching and biting her in places. Stewie took notice and didn't like it one bit.

"Oh, that isn't pretty," he said.

"Get off me, you stupid bitch!" Kate shouted.

"While I do take that as a compliment, since I'm a dog," Barbara began, "that's still an insult coming from a dog hater!"

While being chased by his exes, Brian found a place to hide so they wouldn't find him. What he didn't expect was a tan-colored arm pulling him into a garbage can. Brian shuddered in fear.

"Please, don't hurt me," Brian flinched, eyes shut tight. "I have so much to live for, my darling wife, my beautiful puppies!"

"Nobody's gonna hurt you, big brother," said an all-too-familiar Brooklyn-accented voice.

Brian opened his eyes, lip curling.

"Wait a minute, b-big brother?" Brian repeated. "Only one dog I know calls me that, especially if he has a different mother but still has my father's genes." He looked up and saw his savior. "Vinny?"

The black-collared tan dog in question smiled at the dog he had just saved.

"Long time, no see, Brian," Vinny replied.

"Oh, Vinny," Brian got up. "It's so good to see you again."

"Yeah," Vinny agreed. "Seven years."

He then held a paw in front of Brian's mouth and looked out of the can, left, right, then left again.

"It's all clear, Brian," Vinny assured. "Whoever's been chasing you is gone now."

"Oh," Brian said, relieved, "thank God. You won't believe who those people were."

"Who were they, anyway?" Vinny shrugged.

"My ex-girlfriends," Brian answered. "I lashed out at them for why I was unsuccessful at finding love in them."

"Really?" Vinny replied, wide-eyed. "That's terrible."

"Well, luckily," Brian shrugged, "I do have a mate, Barbara, and some puppies to take care of. Our first litter, of four, is in their teens. Our second litter, of two, was born recently, and I didn't think I was confident enough to be a father again until around Christmas."

"Barbara?" Vinny repeated. "As in 'Ba5que_Sh3pherd' on Twitter?"

"Yeah," Brian replied. "You know her?"

"Know her?" Vinny repeated. "She's a fan of mine! I didn't think that she'd be a sister-in-law."

Brian chuckled. "Well, now you know. Do you have a social handle? Mine's 'd0gbackwards'."

A second of silence, even though Vinny still smiled.

"'pu55yh0und_1124'," Vinny replied.

The two got out their phones, opened their Twitter apps, handed the phones to each other, and followed each other.

"As soon as those exes of mine are out of sight," Brian began, "I'll take you home so you can meet 'Ba5que_Sh3pherd' face to face."

"Don't worry, Brian," Vinny assured. "I know this town from top to bottom, especially when we go through an underground shortcut I take."

"Shortcut?" Brian repeated, wide-eyed.

Author's Note: And that's only the beginning. Stay tuned for more action.