Severus has a problem. He doesn't want to remember. He doesn't want these memories floating around in his head. They always make appearances at the worst moments too, when the last thing he needs is a vision of Lily's laughing face and red cheeks, brought on by a whiff of gardenia. It's always the gardenia that sets him off.
It was he who had bought her the perfume, for Christmas their third year. He was poor then, and so it was a cheap knock-off, but he'd walked into Gertrude's Gifts in Hogsmeade on his own with his head held high. He'd awkwardly looked for something suitable for his best friend, clueless to what witches her age would enjoy. Gert herself had helped him, and he was glad, because that Christmas evening, when they'd visited the Owlery together, she'd smelled of flowers and had refused to wear any other scent ever after.
That's one thing Severus would rather forget, but there are others. It's hard to forget, though, when he spends his days on the brink of tears because as much as he wants to, needs tom he can never see Lily again. He can never speak to her or hold her hand, marvelling at her soft skin.
Like they did during spring of fourth year. They wouldn't do it in the corridors for fear of being insulted and even attacked, but they'd go for walks to Hagrid's and around the greenhouses. With fingers intertwined, they'd talk and laugh and argue, but even that was good because they both loved a good debate.
And then when that vision surfaces, so does the one of Lily pushing him against the wall of Greenhouse 3, kissing him like there's no tomorrow. Who cares if they are only 14 and she is a Gryffindor and he is a Slytherin and they should probably hate each other but they don't because there is no tomorrow. Their trunks are packed and it's their last night before they part for the summer. Lily is going to visit her grandparents in the country and Severus will be left alone, but right now who cares because the way she is kissing his neck and grabbing his lank hair makes his thoughts disappear and his mind go blank.
The first day of the school year is always the worst. He doesn't see the new students, tittering, lining up nervously for their turn under the Sorting Hat. No, what he does see is his first day, Lily sidling up beside him, intimidated by all the older wizards who seem completely in their element. Of course, their fellow first years are there too, but they are shaking just like she is, and they offer no comfort. Severus does though, and she is nearly glued to him, oblivious to the older Slytherins whispering 'Oh, how cute!' and 'Little Snape has got himself a girlfriend!'
Yes, that's the worst. He can't stop the images from flooding into his brain, causing him to shiver uncontrollably. What's almost just as bad, though, is seeing that mini-James, Harry, causing mischief and being ignorant. Severus just can't see the 'good side' of the little Gryffindor, though Dumbledore says it's there. Sev has sworn has sworn to protect the first year's life, though, and he will do his best, grudgingly. For Lily.
The eyes, though, are enough to make him weak in the knees, and at first he has a hard time looking into them. This insolent child does not deserve this beauty, this symbol of her love. He does not deserve Lily, just like James didn't, just like Severus didn't. No one deserved her, she was perfect, a red-haired angel. Snape only wishes he had. He just wants these memories to go away, or at least that's what he tells himself.
Why did he ever meet her, why did he push her away, why did she choose James over him? Why did she have to die?
And why can't he bring himself to transfer his memories to a Pensieve, Merlin knows how many times Dumbledore has offered his. Maybe he knows the answer to that though, though it is hidden behind 11 years of pain. With the exception of her miserable offspring, it is all he has left of her.
And he doesn't want to let her go.