I really, really don't know where this came from. It's pretty angsty, which is unusual for me because normally I suck at writing angst, but I think this turned out good, even if I never want this to happen!
The title comes from the song "The Scientist" by Coldplay. The lyrics in the beginning and the end are also from "The Scientist".
DISCLAIMER: The Big Bang Theory is not mine. I am just a fan, who is simply borrowing it. I make no profit or compensation from this fanfiction.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
She misses him. Like really, really misses him, so bad it hurts. When he told her about the experiment, she'd smiled and nodded, because no matter how many times Sheldon tries to explain it to her, physics just go way over her head. But now, as she lies in bed alone, again, at 12:15, her eyes wide open, she misses him. Penny reaches a hand over to Leonard's side of the bed, her nails grasping at the sheets. It's cold, the blanket, the pillow, everything. Her side of the bed feels cold too.
She hates this. She doesn't like sleeping alone. Then again, what she's been doing doesn't really count as sleeping, exactly. She basically just lies on her back, staring at the ceiling and watching the shadows travel across it. She's become an insomniac (and yes, she's very proud of herself for knowing what that means). She doesn't cry though. She's Penny freaking Hofstadter. She won't let herself cry over something as small as missing her husband. She just tells herself over and over again that he'll be home soon, and she'll be in his arms when she wakes up, and soon the experiment will end, like a mantra.
"Mommy?"
Penny sits up in bed, and Emily is standing in the doorway, her stuffed bunny Hoppy clenched in her little hands. "Baby, what are you doing up?" Penny asks, hoping her daughter can't see how distraught she is.
"I can't sleep, Mommy," Emily says. She looks down, almost shyly. "Daddy didn't tuck me in before he left." Penny's heart practically breaks at what Emily says next. "Daddy always tucks me in."
"Awww, baby, come here," Penny says soothingly, opening her arms for Emily and, of course, Hoppy. The little girl crawls in and lets her mother stroke her dark hair. Her eyelids flutter at the motion. "You can sleep with me, okay?"
Emily nods, and moves to lie down next to Penny, her head sinking down in between Penny's pillow and Leonard's. "Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Do you miss Daddy?"
Penny freezes, and momentarily stops breathing. "Yes," She says finally. "Yes, I miss Daddy a lot."
When she wakes up in the morning, Leonard's on his side of the bed, his chest slowly rising and falling, and Emily is in between her parents, sucking her thumb and holding onto Hoppy like a vice. The whole picture is beyond adorable. But she can't help but notice she still feels cold.
She always goes grocery shopping on Sundays, she doesn't know why. She just does. Today, it's Sunday afternoon, and Leonard's at home taking a much needed nap, so she has the kids. Molly is in the baby seat, smiling at nothing and kicking her chubby little legs. Emily is loyally at her side, grasping Penny's hand like how she normally grasps Hoppy, who's at home, probably covered in jelly stains from that morning's battle (and by battle, she means breakfast). Cody trails behind them, because he's eight now and just too cool to be holding hands with his mom and sisters at the grocery store.
"Now, what's next on our list?" Penny asks Emily, who's just beginning to learn to read in kindergarten, and anxious to show off her new skills. Especially to Leonard, because, quote: "Daddy is the smartiest, and now I'm smarty too!"
"Numbwer twee," Emily rallies off proudly. "Eggs."
"Good job, Em," Penny compliments, halting the cart. She picks up a carton, opening the top to make sure it's full. When she looks back up again, there's a guy talking to Emily.
She opens her mouth to scream and her hands already balled into a fist, when she realizes that she knows the guy. "Zack?" She gasps. Her hand goes limp at her side. It's not a pedophile, just an idiot.
"Last time I checked," Zack replies, and Penny shakes her head slightly. He doesn't notice. "How you been, Penny?"
"Married," Penny says instinctively.
"That's cool," Zack says. "I hope you and Mary are very happy together,"
"Married," Penny repeats. "Not as in the name, as in, I got married. To Leonard,"
"Oh. You really have a thing for guys named Leonard, don't you? This is what, your third one?" He starts counting on his fingers and Penny slaps his hand down.
"The same Leonard," She half-laughs. "Are you married?"
"Nah," Zack shrugs. "I'm too busy with my dad's menu company. He died."
Penny's face falls. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry,"
"It's the square of life, or whatever,"
There's a pause, and then, she decides to take a leap of faith. "Do you want to…maybe get a bite to eat later?"
Zack smiles. "Sounds good."
"Maybe we can even go somewhere where you print the menus and ask for a discount!"
They both laugh. "See you tonight then, Penny."
"Bye, Zack."
Zack bends down and ruffles Emily's hair before he goes, making the little girl wrinkle her nose. Penny watches him leave. She's just lonely, that's all. Nothing is going to happen.
Nothing was meant to happen.
She does laundry on Monday, even though on Monday's she's normally too tired to do anything, because she just can't live with the guilt. She pulls the shirt she wore last night out from the bottom of the basket, and fingers the fabric before she drops it back in.
She's so stupid. She wished she had some of her husband's excess smarts right about now. Because she let her loneliness get the best of her and now she feels just plain dirty. She just wants to scrub herself until she's pink and new and soft, like a newborn baby who doesn't yet know what the world is really like.
Her kids. She has kids. How could she have cheated on their father?
She lifts her shirt up to her nose, and inhales. It doesn't smell like Leonard. And for the first time, she cries, really cries, not holding back, but not for him, for herself.
She wakes up early on Tuesday, and gets in the shower early, then starts packing Cody's lunch and making breakfast. He comes into the kitchen around seven, in his robe and slippers, and leans in to kiss her cheek. Penny jerks away.
Leonard frowns. "Are you okay?"
"I, umm, think I may be coming down with a cold," Penny lied. "You should probably not kiss me, if you don't want to catch it,"
He nods, but she can tell he doesn't exactly believe her as he fixes himself a cup of coffee. But no one says anything else.
A week goes by, and she's still sleeping alone, and they're still not talking. They're not exactly fighting, but they're not on good terms. There is always an unofficial distance of at least two feet between them, and most of their dinner table conversation is done by Emily, who happily chats about what she did that day in kindergarten. The first time she really goes from upset to angry is when he blows off Cody's science fair, something the two of them had been working on together for months. Without him there, Penny doesn't understand any of it. She has to ask Sheldon, who makes everything far too complicated. But when Cody asks if she had a good time, she smiles and says she did, and then makes Sheldon and Amy take the kids out for ice cream, much to Sheldon's aggravation.
Leonard is there when she gets home. "Hey," He says. "Where have you been?"
"I was at Cody's science fair," Penny tells him, not bothering to hide her irritation. "You know the one you promised him you'd go to. And now Shamy are taking the kids to go get some ice cream."
His face falls when the realization hits him. "That was today? God, I'm sorry…"
"You should be!" Penny says a little louder than she meant it.
"God, Penny, it was just one science fair!" He replies, raising his voice too. "He'll get over it!"
"It's more than just the science fair!" She yells back. "Leonard, I miss you, okay? You're never here and I'm alone all the time. I feel like I'm not the most important thing in your life anymore and I hate that! And I just don't know what I'm going to do, because every day I feel like there's just more and more distance between us! Our kids miss their father, Leonard! And I miss you too, goddamnit!" She doesn't hold back like she normally would. She just screams and stomps her feet and lets him know what she thinks.
"Well, I'm sorry, okay?" He shouts. "I'm sorry that I've been working to support this family! I'm sorry that I can't spend every goddamn moment trying to please you! So what if I missed a few things? It doesn't mean I love any of you any less!"
"Maybe not now! But do you see what this is doing to us? We haven't fought like this in years! If you keep this up, we're going to hate each other! I'm pretty close to hating you now! Do you realize what I have to do to feel momentarily happy?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I slept with someone!"
Then, it gets quiet. Too quiet. She can practically hear her shallow, shocked breaths, his soft, angry sighs. "How could you do this?" He finally asks.
"I was lonely," She says. Her voice is hoarse and she thinks she's going to cry. "And you weren't there," Her voice cracks on "there".
"I can't be there if you won't let me," He says. He sounds like he's going to cry too, but now he's angry. He has a right to be angry, Penny thinks. They both do.
"I waited up for you so many nights," She cries. "Maybe I'm just done waiting for you, okay?" There's another pause. "Sleep on the couch tonight, or something. Just don't talk to me." Then she walks away, fast, her heart pounding in her ears.
He doesn't listen, and comes up to bed anyway. He tries to touch her, to wrap his arms around her, to kiss her, and she pretends she's asleep. She knows that he can tell she's not, but he seems to get the message, and the next night she's alone again.
Bernadette and Amy come over a few days later with each of their daughters. Penny had arranged the play date for Emily weeks ago, and she'd forgotten about it completely. She pours herself a glass of wine and sits down at the kitchen table, Bernadette on her left and Amy on her right, while Emily, Leah and Maria play with Emily's Barbie's on the rug. Penny watches them forlornly, thinking about how each one of them resembles their mother. Emily has her eyes, while Leah's hair has the slight curl Bernadette's does, and Maria's glasses are positioned in the same fashion as Amy's.
"So, what's going on with you and Leonard?" Amy asks.
Penny takes another swig of wine. "We're not talking," She responds.
"Awww, I'm so sorry," Bernadette says, patting her hand. "Things will get better. I remember this one fight Howard and I had…"
She's not listening, really. Instead she continues to watch the girls play, zeroing in on her own daughter brushing the hair of her favorite doll, and wondering if Emily would be okay in a world where her parents were apart.
They both agree to go to Cody's parent teacher conferences, but they don't drive there together, and when Penny enters Miss Murphy's classroom Leonard is already there. She'd forgotten that his experiment had ended a week ago, and now she wonders if he could've been hiding out at Sheldon and Amy's or Howard and Bernadette's or Raj's.
"Hello, Mrs. Hofstadter," Miss Murphy says as she sits down. "Well, now I suppose I'll get started. Cody is a very bright little boy."
"So he's doing well in school?" Leonard asks. Miss Murphy nods.
"Very well, he always gets hundreds on his science quizzes," Penny fights the urge to glance at Leonard there, because he definitely didn't get that from her, but Leonard does it for her. Then he turns back. "But you see, what I'm concerned about is his behavior."
"Has Cody been misbehaving?" Penny asks Miss Murphy. The woman shakes her head.
"No, not at all," She assures them. "He's become kind of quiet recently. He used to be so talkative, and now I can barely get two words out of him."
She feels a lump rise in her throat. She knows where that came from. The silence. At home, it's all they ever have. This is her fault.
They leave together, but at first, they don't look at each other. Once the door to Miss Murphy's room shuts behind them, that's when she opens her mouth. It comes out quickly, and she's surprised by that. "I want a divorce."
It's finally out in the open, and he's not surprised. Leonard simply looks away for a moment, pretending to examine the array of finger paintings that are on display outside the first grade room, and then he looks back, gulping, with tears in his eyes. "Okay."
She fidgets, pulling her car keys out of her bag. He reaches for his own, and then without another word, they both start on their way. "Leonard?" She calls out, stopping and looking back.
He freezes and turns. "Yes Penny?"
"I'm sorry,"
He gives her a sad half-smile. "Me too,"
Then, they both go on their way to opposite ends of the parking lot. She watches him drive away, and notices he doesn't head towards the house. Then, she places her head down on the steering wheel, closes her eyes, and cries; finally realizing her marriage is really over.
He moves out five days, three hours and twenty four minutes later. She sits in the bedroom the whole time, bouncing Molly up and down. Emily is in her room, probably playing, and she can hear her daughter's soft murmurs through the wall. She can also hear the sounds of boxes hitting the floor and items shifting as Leonard and Cody start packing Leonard's things. Everything they've been through, everything they've worked for, it doesn't matter anymore. None of it matters.
She holds her baby close and shuts her eyes, willing it all to go away. Molly squeals, and Penny knows she's grabbing her a little too tight. So, slowly, she lets go.
Penny doesn't know why she agrees to have Christmas at the house. At first, she thinks it'll be too painful, all the memories of her and Leonard putting ornaments on their tree, and hiding presents for their children in the upstairs closet, and kissing under the mistletoe they always left in the doorframe. But, she knows that the kids need this normalcy, and so she told everyone to come over as they always did on Christmas Eve.
She puts a lot of rum in her eggnog, and she acts as if nothing's wrong. She smiles when her children open their gifts (a science kit for Cody and a new dress for Emily, plus a dancing Elmo for Molly that she has to help her unwrap) and laughs when everyone else does, sipping her eggnog the whole time. Eventually, it's just rum, and that brings back even more memories.
Leonard comes too, and they put up a happy, we're-okay-with-this façade. He buys Cody a new comic book, Emily a set of Easy Readers books, and Molly a small, stuffed teddy bear. He evens gives Penny a necklace, which she likes very much. She buys him a book, and he tells her he loves it. She thinks the whole thing is just awkward.
Their friends try to fill the silences, except for Sheldon, who doesn't sense the tension. Eventually, everyone leaves and Penny tells the kids they have to go to bed, because Santa only comes if everyone is asleep.
"Daddy," Emily asks Leonard, who is getting his jacket. "Will you tuck me in?"
He smiles at her, and looks at Penny. "Sure, munchkin,"
"And read me a bedtime story?"
"Yes,"
Emily smiles, because Leonard can only tuck her in when on weekends now when the kids stay at his apartment, and leads him to her room.
Penny stands outside the door while Leonard reads "Goodnight Moon". She presses her ear to the door and hangs onto every word. Tears come to her eyes, because even now, Leonard is such a good father. She can't believe she ever thought otherwise.
When Emily is asleep he slips out of the room, fixes his coat, and smiles at her. "Merry Christmas, Penny," He says.
She smiles too, half happy, half sad. "Merry Christmas, Leonard,"
When she gets ready for bed that night, she stumbles across the picture they used on their cards last Christmas. She's seven months pregnant and looks huge, but she doesn't think about that. She takes in the way Leonard looks at her and how big her smile is. She remembers he'd given it to her framed as her present that year and her hormones had sent her into a crying fit that lasted twenty minutes.
She can't take it. She slams the frame down, and it hits the floor. The glass shatters, but the picture is unscathed, their happy faces still intact.
She sees him again when she hosts New Year's. Again, she stays drunk the entire night, but on champagne this time, not spiked eggnog. He doesn't look too happy though, and when she asks him if anything's wrong, he shrugs.
"My mom's just been calling me." He admits. "She keeps telling me that it's not smart of me to …to give you up," There's a pause. "Her words, not mine."
That night, Penny calls her soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law and tells her to leave Leonard alone. That shuts Beverly up.
They don't talk again that night until everyone goes to watch the ball drop, and Penny wonders if he knows about her phone call. "Three…two…one…Happy New Year!" Everyone choruses, Penny half-heartedly. As the grandfather clock in the hall strikes midnight, Howard and Bernadette kiss, and Amy forces Sheldon to give her a peck, Cody teasingly offers his lips to Leah and Maria and they turn away, and even Raj jokingly kisses Emily's cheek, making her giggle. Penny just looks at Leonard across the room.
"Happy New Year," He says.
"Happy New Year," She says.
Molly turns one in February. Penny invites Leonard to the party, because even though they're separated, he's still her father. He walks into the kitchen at six thirty sharp, just as her and Bernadette are working on finishing the cake.
"Dada!" Molly cheers from her highchair when he walks in. Although it's not the only word Molly knows, its' definitely one of her favorites, and how she always greets Leonard.
"Hey, baby girl," Leonard says, bending down to kiss her. He nods at the two women. "Penny, Bernadette,"
"Hello, Leonard," Bernadette replies before Penny can. She lets Leonard give her shoulder an awkward squeeze, and then goes back to icing the cake.
"Hey, Penny, can I talk to you?" Leonard asks, leaning against the counter.
Penny's heart secretly thumps, but she just shrugs. "Sure,"
Bernadette takes this as her cue to leave. "Hey, birthday girl," She says to Molly. "Why don't we go see if we can find Uncle Howard, huh?" She picks Molly up and the baby gurgles, grabbing onto Bernadette by the hair. The blonde mouths Penny "good luck" and then exits the room with the baby.
"Okay," Penny says. "So, what did you want to say?"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Leonard tells her. "And say that I'm sorry, once again."
"I should be the one that's sorry," Penny says, picking up the icing bag and beginning to write the 'H' in 'Happy Birthday'. "I screwed up,"
"We both screwed up," Leonard corrects, and that's that.
The divorce is finalized in April, and they both move on, or at least try to. He goes to a work thing with a date and, according to Raj, Skype's with Priya once a month and goes with him to Ladies' Night at the local bars. She signs up for eHarmony and doesn't meet any of the guys she's matched with, but eventually starts casually seeing a guy named Greg every once in a while. It's nothing serious, but the kids introduce themselves anyway. Leonard acts indifferent when he finds out.
"Mommy," Emily says drowsily as Penny tucks her in one night. "If you and Greg get married, do I have to call him Daddy?"
Penny is quite surprised that her five year old daughter just asked her this. "No, of course not, Em," She assures her.
"Because Greg isn't my daddy," Emily continued, her eyes closing, as if she'd never been interrupted at all. "Daddy is my…" She yawned. "…daddy."
Penny smiled slightly, pulled the covers up over her daughter, and kissed her cheek. "That's right, baby,"
Time passed, and life went on. Penny broke up with Greg. Leonard started dating someone new, a woman who always gave the kids too much candy, and they broke up. Howard and Bernadette had another baby, a boy, and Penny and Leonard both happened to visit the hospital at the same time, and ended up talking a little. Molly turned two, and then three, and then four, and then five. She started preschool and eventually kindergarten. Sometimes, Penny wondered what it was like for Molly, since her parents being divorced was all she'd ever known, all she would ever know. One day she got her answer.
On Monday Penny picks Molly up from kindergarten at noon. "Mommy, Mommy!" Molly says, climbing into the backseat. "Do you want to see the picture I drew?"
"Sure, Molls," Penny replies. "I bet it's beautiful,"
Molly smiles widely and hands the piece of paper to Penny. "We had to draw our families."
Penny's face momentarily falters. Molly had drawn herself, and Emily and Cody, and then, on opposite sides of the page, her and Leonard. She looks up, and hands it back to Molly. She needed to talk to Leonard.
Leonard's brow furrows as he looks over Molly's picture. "Well," He says. "I can kind of get why she did it, honestly. For as long as Molly can remember, we've been divorced."
Penny looks down at her hands. "I know, it's just…" She shrugged. "I don't want our kids to think we hate each other,"
"Well," He says. "Maybe we could go get dinner sometime."
"Leonard…" She shook her head. "This…we still have to give them stability." She could tell he knew she meant the kids.
He nods, slowly and kind of sadly. "But just so you know, I still love you."
"And I still love you," She replies. "But this is what we chose, and we can't spend our whole lives wondering 'what if'."
He sighs. "You're right,"
She touches his hand, and leans forward, letting him kiss her one last time. "So…dinner?"
And again, life moves on.
"I'm so proud of you," Penny says, touching eighteen year old Cody's shoulder. "My boy, the high school graduate,"
"Mom, stop it!" Cody laughs. He tilts his head, smiling. "Has anyone told you that you look really pretty today?"
Penny felt herself blush. She'd worn a printed dress for the occasion. "Thank you, you look very adult in that cap and gown,"
"Hey,"
At the sound of the voice, Penny turns, smiling at the man she saw, who still looked the same except for a few wrinkles and gray hairs.
"Can I talk to your mom for a sec?" Leonard asks Cody.
"Sure, Dad," Cody says. He lets Leonard pat him on the back, and then walks over to his sisters.
"You look great," Leonard tells her.
"Why, thank you," Penny laughs. "Our son was just telling me that."
"God," Leonard says, running a hand through his hair. "He's really a high school graduate; I remember the day he was born,"
"Me too," Penny says, smiling. "We were so happy, weren't we?"
"We still are," Leonard responds, glancing over at their kids, all looking so mature and grown up. "Just a different kind of it,"
Penny's smile got wider, and she watched fourteen year old Emily wrap her arms around Cody's waist and ten year old Molly jump up and down excitedly. She thinks Leonard's exactly right. Things may not have been easy, but honestly, she'd never expected it to be. Now, they didn't have to wonder 'what if', they could ask 'what will'. And maybe they'd always love each other deep down, but this, this was how things were supposed to be.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start