Title: The Diary Of Charlotte Rogers

Author: Kym

Rating: PG-13 Purely cos she swears a fair bit and theres a few inuendoes.

Summary: Charlie's diary - her inner most thoughts and feelings.

Characters: Charlie, Mickey, Smithy, Gina, Kerry, Andrea...there will be more.

Disclaimer: All recognised characters belong to The Bill writers and Thames TV, the idea for this fic is obviously Bridget Jones as owned by Helen Fielding and several people like Universal and Picador publishers. Everyone else is mine!

Authors Notes: Thanks to Sammie for letting me steal her 'bit that goes at the start of her fics' no matter how unknowing it is

January 1st 2005

Weight: 9st 2lb, alcohol units: Probably triple figures , cigarettes: 27 and a half., calories …probably best not to count those.

I don't know why I'm so bothered…ok, I lie – I do know why I'm so bothered, the inner Charlie in me wants to leap on him and never let go, but somehow (and it surprises me as much as it probably does you, diary) the brain kicks in and tells me that not only is holding him hostage whilst waving a pair of bright pink, fluffy Anne Summers handcuffs in front of him slightly illegal…it's also a little too keen.

However much I think a quick grope with everyone's favourite sergeant would be worth being arrested for sexual harassment, Mickey manages to jolt me back to reality and forces more alcohol down my throat and so now I'm where I usually am when this happens…draped naked over a small blonde DC whilst he snores in my ear, but we won't go into that….

She was draped all over him last night. Dunno why everyone thinks she's so pretty, it looks like someone's stuck a hoover to her face and the winds changed so she's stuck like it. Honestly, she looked like she was going to eat him when he kissed her cheek last night…she was well pissed off. Couldn't help but laugh at her pout, as she watched him kiss Gina's cheek, he couldn't wait to escape her clutches. Poor Kerry my arse….

I don't like the way that Andrea was looking at him either. These women need to find their own objects of lust! He's mine!

Still, when it comes down to it – I got a quick peck on the cheek as well, made last year and this one too. So nice of him to wish me Happy New Year too, though probably shouldn't have stood so close to him, his lips brushed my ear as he whispered and his hand was on my hip, probably to keep me from leaping on him there and then. Good job Mickey dragged me away before I could say anything else – saved me from almost certain arrest. I saw him looking over as I was dancing with the girls a bit later, probably telling Gina just how bad I am.

Can you still make new years resolutions past midnight today? Or is it like April Fool's Day when it's all redundant after midday? Still – might was well list some, see how many I can keep to.

I WILL:

Stop staring in Sergeant Smith's direction whenever he appears in the canteen, or front office, or in his office.

Stop ignoring members of the public when they come into report a crime when said Sergeant is in the room.

Stop sleeping with Mickey to make self feel better.

Stop daydreaming about a relationship with Super Sarge, and stop practising a signature for 'Charlotte Smith'.

Look in to getting own house, instead of sharing with Mickey – sharing makes number three kind of a definite.

When get home alone at end of evening, no longer do thing of chain-smoking fags, glugging wine then lurching around to "I Will Survive", bursting into tears, and end up attached at the genitals to small blonde DC. Instead will sip from large glasses of water and listen to classical music whilst humming along intelligently.

Resolve not to drink at moment when drink is offered rather than morning after.

Learn how to cook properly, rather than existing on takeaway each night.

Cut up takeaway loyalty card and stop flirting with the delivery boy for a discount.

Study up on police terminology so I know what the hell it is people are saying to me.

Learn how to do washing machine so does not always stop with water left in tub, and flood the kitchen when door opened.

Read more books and less trashy magazines. This includes when it all goes quiet at work. And flicking through to look at the pictures doesn't count.

Stop fantasising about large family with dark hair and green eyes like their father.

And most importantly, will stop daydreams about being rescued by Super Sarge. Cape, blue leotard, red undies on the outside included.

I WILL NOT:

Humour Mickey and tell him camel coloured jacket suits him, when really it makes him look like a pile of vomit.

Smoke butt ends from ashtray when have run out of cigarettes.

Smoke at all, in fact.

Insist that pushing things in corners really is tiding.

Believe that all missed calls are from Smithy, and sulk for days after.

Be nice to sister, I probably should, but I still don't like her.

Stop glaring across the room each time Kerry or Andrea look my way.

Sing 'Who Let The Dog's Out' after a night in the pub with the relief as Kerry and Andrea pass.

Believe Mickey when he says there's no such thing as a skirt that's too short.

Ditto necklines.

Be more decisive. …If I can.

Froth at the mouth each time the door opens in anticipation of Smithy.

Leave work from my shift over to Marilyn's shift after spending day frothing…

Let myself be so easily distracted by all things shiny.

Oooh, phone….

Was Smithy! He wasn't sure if he'd already wished me a Happy New Year, and was calling to make sure he had. Wasn't aware he was so big on the religious ceremonies. Had to cut the call short as Mickey rolled over, snored loudly before waking and slapping my arse asking for a cup of coffee. Smithy sounded a bit put out. I hope he didn't think I was being rude.