AN: Say Whaaat?! After like a year I'm writing something?! Okay lets do this. Gotta get back into the swing of writing parodies again so here is a parody of a bunch of Role-Playing games. If you guys get all of the games I reference in here, then you are as big of a nerd as I am. For reference: Korra/Warrior, Bolin/Bard, Asami/Rogue and Mako/Mage.
"So do we have enough for a room or not?"
Mako continued to count the small pile of gold coins on the table. "Well with your money and what Bolin had on him, we have about 40 coins. If Korra's still holding on to the 10 coins that damsel gave her yesterday, we should have enough for a two bed room for the night."
Asami breathed out a sigh of relief. "Good. We're going to have to share beds but I guess that is good enough."
"Gud enurf fur wut?" Korra mouthed around a turkey leg as she squeezed between Mako and Asami with a pint of mead and a turkey leg in each hand. She handed a turkey leg to Bolin and held up the other one for Mako. "Vant sum?"
"...No."
She freed the half eaten turkey leg from her mouth and handed it to Asami. "Good I didn't want to share with you anyway."
Mako pinched the bridge of his nose. "Korra, please don't tell me that you spent the money you had on turkey legs and mead."
"Okay I won't tell you."
"How much do you have left?"
"One."
"One coin?"
"Yep. Hey Bolin is that good or what?"
"It is actually pretty good." Bolin took another bite. "Some mead would be good with this." Korra slid one of the mugs across the table but Mako stopped it with his hand.
"You know what would really be good right now? Having a room to sleep in tonight!"
"Hey I was hungry."
"WE HAD FOOD ALREADY WHY DIDN'T YOU EAT THAT?!"
"BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE ON FUCKING CHEESE ANYMORE! THAT'S LITERALLY ALL WE HAVE LEFT! I HAD TO EAT LIKE FIVE CHEESE WHEELS TO HEAL MYSELF WHEN WE WERE FIGHTING THAT TROLL!" Korra screamed. "AND ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE HEALING SPELLS!"
"I already told you, I'm a Fire Mage! I do pyromancy!"
"YOU CAN BE A FLIPPIN' TYROMANCER FOR ALL I CARE! NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO EAT A BUTTLOAD OF CHEESE WHILE A TROLL IS CHUCKING BOULDERS AT THEM!" Korra slammed her hands on the table and stood up.
Mako stood up after her and got into her face. "Well you wouldn't have had to eat cheese if you didn't decide that it would be a good idea to make melon-balls out of our potions!"
"Fuck you that was a good idea!" She grabbed Mako's robes and slammed him against the table.
"Woah Korra, calm down." Asami grabbed her shoulders and tried to pull her back.
"Um, yeah. You guys are starting to make a scene."
"Sorry Babe, got a little carried away there." She released her hold on Mako's robes and helped him up. "Sorry about that Mako. The constipation got to me there for a second. Being backed up for a week can do things to a person's temper."
"Aww, look at us. Solving our problems through the power of friendship." Bolin grabbed his lute and started to pluck the strings. "This calls for the friendship song!"
"Bolin."
"C'mon it'll be fun."
"No thanks Bo." Mako sat back down and gathered together what little money they had left. "Since we no longer have enough money for a room, we need to find a way to make some quick gold."
"What do you suggest?" Asami asked.
"Well either Korra sells one of her greatswords-"
"Now we both know that is not going to happen."
"Why the hell not? You are carrying like 300 lbs worth of weapons right now. I don't even understand why the hell you think dual-wielding a greatsword and a greataxe is a good idea."
"These guns," Korra flexed. "Should be more than enough proof that duel-wielding is a good idea. Asami knows what's up."
"I do."
"Fine! We won't sell any of your 30 weapons, but we are going to have to do a quest." The rest of the party groaned.
"Do we have to?"
"Yeah Bro. We just need nine gold and we can get a room for the night. Nothing too complicated right?"
Korra finished her pint of mead and grabbed the coin pouch. "Don't worry I'll find us something easy."
She stood up and walked over to the front counter of the bar. She knocked on the stained wood to get the attention of the innkeeper cleaning mugs.
"What do you want?"
"Hey, you know of any quests around here?"
"Depends." He set his mug down with the other and swung the dirty dishrag over his shoulder. "How much is that information worth?"
"Ugh fine." She dropped a gold coin into his hand and he reached underneath the counter to pull out a stack of papers. He slid it across the table and she started to skim over it.
"What's this?"
"A Newspaper. They have this neat section called the classifieds. You should read it sometime." He left the Avatar alone to help another customer. "I don't know why the hell these teenagers think I know everything that is going on in this town. Fucking chosen ones..."
"Rude." Korra gathered the paper and brought it back to their table. "Alright you guys I found something."
"What do you have for us?" Asami asked.
"Let's see. Discreet individuals needed for the assassination of King Radovid... not really something you want to advertise in a newspaper. Worthless undead needed to convince the Lords of Cinder to do their job... must be comfortable with dying. This one says that they need strong individuals to lend a helping hand to the Herald of Andraste. And this one is talking about some kind of Vault Key, whatever that is."
"I don't know about those Korra, they all sound kind of main-questy?"
"You got that right. Oh! here's one we can do Bolin. Missing person. It says to talk to Harold downtown."
Asami picked up the newspaper and stuffed it into her pack. "Well it's a start. Let's go."
"Okay everyone, this shouldn't take us too long. If we stay on top of our haggle game we may get enough out of this guy to get two rooms. Everyone ready?"
"Yeah we got this Korra." Bolin Slapped her on her back.
"Alright lets do this." Korra knocked on the door and a few moments later a burly man with red hair answered.
"Can I Help you?"
"Hello Sir," Mako greeted him with a handshake. "We are here for the contract you put out for the missing person."
"Of course, please come in." He stepped aside and let them enter. "You must be adventurers. You know, I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I got married. There's my wife Olga over there." His wife waved from the kitchen table.
"Hellooo."
"Huh?"
"Pardon?"
"I dunno," Korra shrugged her shoulders. "For a second I thought you were going to say something about arr... you know what? Nevermind. who are we looking for anyway?"
"My brother Ragnar. He went hunting a week ago and hasn't been seen since."
Mako pulled out his log book. "What does he look like?"
"Exactly like me, he's my twin. I am offering thirty gold for anyone who can find him."
"You know that does sound like a reasonable deal," Korra crossed her arms and stared at the taller man. "And we may have accepted that price if we were random amateurs coming off of the street. But we are professionals. If you want results you are going to have to pay us double."
"What?! That is ridiculous!" He bellowed.
"Well Harold how about you consider this. How much do you think your brother's life is worth? If you can't even pay us sixty gold then you obviously don't care that much about your brother."
"What the hell Korra?"
"No deal! I think you four need to leave."
"We're losing him Korra." Bolin whispered nervously.
"Okay. Plan B." She clapped her hands together. "Asami?" She stepped forward and placed a hand on Harold's shoulder.
"Please forgive my companion Harold, she can be a bit pushy at times. We understand you are just trying to find your brother and we are willing to do what we can to find him. I'm sure we can agree on a price that pleases both parties. How does sixty gold coins sound?"
"Finally someone who can talk some sense. You have a deal."
Mako whispered, "How did she do that? isn't that the same price you were asking for?"
Korra whispered back, "Dude, she leveled for a high charisma. It's pretty awesome isn't it?"
Korra poked Asami in the back, when she turned around, Korra rubbed her thumb against her fingertips in a discreet gesture telling her to ask for more money. Asami didn't want to push him too far so she asked for something else.
"Sir would it be alright if you pay us half up front and the rest when we are finished?"
"Of course." He shook her hand, sealing the deal. "I wish I had a daughter like you, so intelligent. How would you like to meet my son when you return?"
"You must meet my son. Jon will absolutely be smitten with you!"
"I appreciate the offer," she smiled awkwardly, "But I am already seeing someone."
"Oh really? Which one of these young men is your beloved?"
"Um... neither?"
"So you aren't travelling with your love?"
"Oh, we are travelling together."
He scratched the back of his head. "I don't get it. Is he waiting outside?" His wife grabbed his arm.
"Harold..."
"What?"
"Harold they're-"
"They're wha-oh!" Realization finally dawned on him. "Ohhh... Um here's your money. Please bring my brother back safely."
Korra grabbed the coin pouch and pocketed it. "Um, yeah! So...I should probably tell you now."
"Tell me what?"
"He dead." Korra held out her hand. "You can pay us the other half now."
"What?!"
"Oh Dear.."
"There is no way you could possibly know that for sure!"
"Actually," Korra pulled her pack off of her back and started digging around in it. "I can totally provide you with proof. When you have done as many Missing Persons quests as we have. You learn to Loot every body you come across. Especially if they have some kind of letter or family crest on them. Wedding rings are good too. Saves us a lot of time on backtracking. You said his name is Ragnar right? You guys have any type of family crest or anything like that?"
"Yes. Our Father gave us both rings when we were young."
"Thought so. Let me see..." She pulled out a stack of papers and started to leaf through them. "My dearest daughter... My loving husband... AH! Here we go!" She read aloud. "My dearest brother Harold. If you are reading this, then It means that I have lost my battle against the... Hold on, there's a blotch of blood right here." She scraped the sheet of paper with her fingernail. "Chocobos. Wow, not a very dignified way to go. Please tell my wife I love her." She handed the letter to Harold.
"We came across him yesterday. He had just died. Like literally just died. Minutes before we found him. Like if he spent time trying to stop the bleeding instead of writing a letter and if a certain Mage would learn some healing spells, he totally could have survived. One more thing." She bent down and pulled a ring out of her pack and handed it to Harold.
"I guess this belongs to you now." Harold tossed Korra a pouch with the rest of the money.
"I would like all of you to leave now."
"Nice doing business with you."
"I don't know about you guys but I think that went pretty well. We got enough for two rooms now. And Bonus: we didn't have to pretend to look for the guy for a couple of hours this time to get paid. That was a good quest."
"Telling a man his brother was pecked to death by chocobos is a good quest?"
"Exactly. You know Mako, I heard this town actually has a magic school. Just a bunch of Mages being Mages... You know, learning spells. Like Ice spells, Lightning spells, Healing spells... just a suggestion, but I think you should check it out." Korra grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. "School is right on top of the hill there."
"Dammit Korra! I'm not a freaking healer! You expect me to just sit in the back and heal you guys all day and not protect myself? You can't even hold aggro."
"*GASP* You take that back you son of a bitch."
"It's true, all you have to do is-"
"The day I take advice from a man wearing a Snuggie in public will be the day I die. Fuck this, I'm quick travelling back to the inn." Korra pulled out her map.
"Hey! I'm not finished with you yet!"
"Bye Felicia."
"DAMMIT KOR-"
*pop*
"FUCK!" Mako took a deep breath and turned to Asami and Bolin. "Can you believe her? You guys don't think I need to learn healing do you?"
"You know what Bro, that is a good question and I think that-" *pop*
"Traitor. Let me guess, you're going to quick travel on me too Asami?"
"Well Mako," Asami pulled out her map, "In a second it is going to sound like I'm quick travelling. But-" *pop*
Mako stared at the empty spots his friends occupied moments ago.
"I fucking hate all of you."
AN: In case any of you were wondering, Tyromancy is the practice of using cheese to predict the future. I really, Really hope one of you guys got that joke.