Disclaimer: Of course it's not mine. Don't be silly.
Sirius is feeling sullen.
It's not that he doesn't want to see James, Lily and Peter. In fact, he hasn't seen old Prongs in ages and quite misses the idiot. But he just would rather spend some time alone with Remus.
Back at Hogwarts, spending time together was not an issue. They went to the same classes, they ate at the same table, they slept in the same dormitory and sometimes even in the same bed. But now that they live in London – Remus at his parents' old house and Sirius at his apartment – they barely ever see each other.
Over the past two weeks, Sirius has seen Remus once, spoken to him by floo twice and sent him 6 inappropriate letters by owls – that Remus hasn't even answered. They have had sex zero times, and Sirius is becoming frustrated.
Upon learning Remus would pick him up at the Academy, Sirius had been hoping for some quick, dirty sex in the janitor's closet – or at least, some kissing – but Remus, ever the controlled one, had cruelly dashed his hopes with a reminder that they would be late to meet their friends. Had Sirius not seen and touched it many times, he would doubt Remus even had a cock.
And so there Sirius is, on the tube, glaring at the filthy floor.
Remus is looking at him, with a slight frown on his face. He seems to have registered the bad mood Sirius is in and is waiting for him to talk about it. Realizing Sirius is not going to share, he sighs.
"What's wrong?"
Sirius turns to him and raises his eyebrows in a fake surprised way. "What's wrong? Why would you think something is wrong?" His voice is embarrassingly shrill but he doesn't care. "Why would I find something wrong, when everything is obviously so completely fine with you?"
Remus seems confused by both the words and the powerful anger lying underneath. "What?"
"Obviously, you have no problem with the fact that you and I have spent at most two hours together in the last week", Sirius says, with a tone that fails to be anything else than accusatory.
Remus frowns. "Padfoot, you know I….
"Obviously," Sirius goes on, ignoring Remus, "you are perfectly content with this. Perhaps you are even glad not to have me around all the time. Perhaps you sit at home and think 'Gosh, I'm sure glad Sirius is not around to bother me with his constant need for attention and affection'."
He can see Remus becoming angry and he doesn't care. "Now, that's not fair. It's not my fault we live so far apart."
"Oh, so it's my fault, now, is it?" Sirius exclaims loudly. People are starting to stare at them in horror. "Great, that's just great. Blame it all on me, why don't you. After we break up, everyone will know what a jerk" he spits the word "I was to want to spend some time with my boyfriend without twenty sweaty strangers standing around us." He gestures to the people around, who turn their heads away.
"Sirius, you're being ridiculous," Remus growls.
"Oh, am I? What are you going to do, withhold sex? Oh wait," he laughs bitterly, "we weren't going to have any, anyway!"
"Sirius, for fuck's sake" Remus swears and Sirius realizes Remus is a lot angrier than he thought. He rarely ever swears, unlike Sirius who thinks profanities make good punctuation. "I know you're upset but there is a time and a place and now is not it."
"So when's the time, then, Moony?" He asks desperately. "At the bar with James and Lily? Or when I go see you at the bookstore and you tell me to fuck off?" That had hurt a lot. "Or maybe it's in that dimension called 'In-your-fucking-dreams-Black'?"
"Do you really want to do this here?" Remus looks around, incredulous.
But Sirius has had enough. "You know what? You're right. I really don't." He stalks out of the wagon, barely registering the doors closing behind him as he walks angrily to the nearest exit.
He finds himself in a street he has never seen before and walks until he finds a rather seedy bar. For hours he sits, downing alcohol like water, scowling darkly to discourage anybody who would be tempted to approach him. Alone, he broods darkly.
He looks around him, at the now filled bar, and observes the other people there. There are the older men, drinking to escape their homes for a while and feel young a little longer. There is the group of friends, laughing and talking loudly among themselves, who would undoubtedly have just as much fun anywhere else. And there are the singles, girls dancing and smiling welcomingly if a little desperately, boys choosing their pick of the night from the sidelines.
Sirius never had to go through this. He met Remus at school, and they were friends until they became best friends until they became each other's single most important person. Touching had come just as naturally; high-fives and shoving becoming soft touches and leaning closer. Even back then, he knew he was extremely lucky. Sirius sighs, head down, hands cradling his empty glass.
At 3 in the morning, he stumbles into a cab. It isn't until they arrive that Sirius realizes he has given the driver directions to Remus' house and not to his own apartment. When he reaches the doorstep, a part of his mind is just sober enough to decide that waking up Remus in the middle of night after leaving him in a huff on the subway is probably a good way of getting scowled to death. He collapses on the doormat, which is scratchy and bumpy. Leaning on the brick wall, he resigns himself to waiting for morning and wonders if he is going to throw up in front of Remus' door.
He slips in and out of sleep, waking up at some point to find the milkman frowning down at him, but he is not conscious enough to offer him any kind of rational explanation. When the first rays of sun touch his face, he wakes up, shivering from the cold, thankful that it hasn't snowed or else he would be cold and wet, and still too drunk to feel the headache that will surely ruin the rest of his day. He sits on the step, beside the milk bottles, and looks at the pink sky.
Sirius hears the lock click before the door opens behind him. There is a moment of silence, during which Sirius doesn't move, before Remus steps outside and sits beside him. "Hey asshole"
Sirius turns to look at Remus. His hair is all mussed and he is wrapped in a very warm looking blanket. His face still has the softness of those who have just woken up in a very comfortable bed. "Moony. Good morning."
Remus turns to look at him, with a wry smile. "You look like shit."
Sirius nods and closes his eyes for a moment. "I feel like it too. "
"If I was angry at you," Remus says, his voice still light, "I would say it's all you deserve for leaving me alone for an evening with James, Lily, Peter and his new girlfriend, all four of them trying hard not to ask me why you weren't there." He turns to look at the pale blue sky. It will be a beautiful day.
Sirius winces. "Sorry about that."
"As I said, I'm not angry." Remus doesn't sound angry. He even sounds a little amused.
Sirius doesn't understand, because he knows he acted like a bastard last night, and would very much deserve a little anger from Remus. "You're not?"
"No." Remus looks at him out the corner of his eye, a little mischievously, "You might get a howler from Lily later today, though."
Sirius sighs. "Right." He'd thought he would be rid of screaming females when he gave up on heterosexuality, but he hadn't counted on Lily's fierce protectiveness of Remus. "Let the woman with the shrillest screaming voice I've ever heard do your dirty work."
Remus leans back on his elbows and smiles, head tilted back, eyes closed. "It's not my fault Lily feels I should be defended from 'that thoughtless, immature, egocentric Black'."
"You were always her favorite," he accuses. "James ought to be jealous."
Remus only smiles. Sirius looks at him, at his messy hair shinning in the early morning sun, at his face, a perfectly contented smile adorning his lips as he breathes in the crisp, fresh air of December. He's terrified of losing him.
He looks at the milk bottles. "Your milkman gave me a weird look this morning."
Remus laughs a little. "Ah, yes." Strangely, he looks a little embarrassed. "You know how, once a month, the three of you come here in the evening, and then leave in the morning, looking tired and disheveled, after making a lot of weird noises during the night?" He pauses and Sirius raises his eyebrows at him. "Well, the neighbors think we're having some sort of monthly gay ritual foursome with Peter and James.
Sirius snorts. "They wish. As if either of them are allowed anywhere near my perfect arse."
Remus nods very seriously, though there is a slight smirk on his lips. "It is a very fine arse."
Sirius looks down at his frozen hands in his lap. "I was," he starts" I was going to ask you to move in with me." He pauses and looks around. "But this house, this place, it's yours. It's you. You shouldn't leave it. So I thought…." He stops and looks at Remus, whose face is still tilted at the sky, listening to him with his eyes closed.
He continues, "If we got on the Floo Network, I could still get to the Academy in no time. And uh," he hesitates," it'd be easier, for after the transformations, if I didn't have to leave." He looks at Remus' profile, where there is no sign that he has heard what Sirius has been trying to ask. Sirius waits.
Finally, Remus opens his eyes and turns to Sirius with a slight smile. "Let's go in." He gets up and extends a hand to Sirius to help him up. "It's freezing."
"I know," Sirius agrees. His back hurts and he can't feel his toes anymore. "I spent half the night sitting here. By the way," he says, as Remus grabs the milk bottles and leads him into the house, "your doormat is very bumpy. We'll have to get a new one." The 'we' is tentative, but it feels oh so good.
"Oh," Remus says, his back to Sirius, yet Sirius can still hear the smirk in his voice, "that's probably the spare key to the back door. Shame you didn't know it was there."
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