Disclaimer: Let's see…for some reason I have to put here that I'm not J.K. Rowling. Are people that thick?

Author's note: Really Random story popped into my head during a history test. Here are the results.

The Hogwarts News

Important News Intro

Harry: Hello and welcome to The Hogwarts News. I'm Glufenfart Pifds and…wait a minute!! That's not my name!! I'm Harry Potter!! Boy Wizard!!

Hermione: Congrats Harry, you finally found out your name.

Ron: Wait…I thought his name was Glufenfart Pifds!?

Hermione: While these two dimwits over here finally introduce themselves, we'll have more news after the break.

Important News Ending

Commercial Break

Snape: (Sees Snape walking in green sparkly Speedo's)

Dumbeldore: (Dressed in gold sparkly Speedo's) Oh no!! This horrid sun is burning my skin and turning it red!! Whatever shall I do?

Snape: Here. (Hands Dumbeldore pink bottle that reads: Snape Spa. Squeezes out poop like cream) Try new Snape Spa Tanning lotion. It even stays on in the water. Look. (Snape turns around and his butt reads: Go Slytherin! He dives into lake.)

Dumbeldore: Oh my!

Snape: (Giant squid picks up Snape and begins throwing him around. He begins screaming like a little girl)

Fast Talking Person: Snape Spa Tanning lotion is not giant squid manure. It does not and will not attract female squids near you or to you. 50 galleons plus shipping and handling. Not sold to Harry Potter.

Harry: Hey!! I want squid manure too!! (Throws a fit)

Commercial Break over

Important News Intro

Hermione: We have just had breaking news. Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House has just been attacked by The Giant Squid, which ironically, was attracted to his new product, Snape Spa Tanning Lotion. Now here's Ron with more news.

Ron: (sucking thumb)

Hermione: RON!!!

Ron: (takes thumb out of mouth) WHAT?! IS IT NOW ILLEAGAL T SUCKS MY THUMB NOW??

Hermione: Ugh…nothing. Harry, do you have the story about Snape?

Harry: (spinning in chair) Huh?

Hermione: Well folks, this is the news for today. Come back tomorrow for more Hogwarts News!!

Author's note: So…what did you think? Pretty good right? Right? U know what would be better?? If you pressed the little purple button and give two minutes of your life to me, that way I can store it in my attic and rule the universe!!! MWHAHAHA!! Ok evil moment over…Any ideas please contact me…ok? Ok. Enjoy life. Bye