Lost and Found
-A timeline of events in Shelby's life.

Disclaimer: I don't own higher ground or anything etc.

AN/ I decided to group my oneshots on Shelby's life- thus the new title, this chapter has very minor corrections.

Losing Trust.
Preview: Inside Shelby's head, the first time Walt abused her.

HGHGHGHG

It was my 10th birthday, I'd been looking forward to it for months, the party, the cake, the presents… now I wish I didn't, I wish I'd never had a 10th birthday, I wish I'd never got any presents, mainly I wish I never got his 'special' present, the present that changed my life, took away my trust, too my childhood.

I still remember, 6 years later I still remember every second of that night , of what he did.

He came into my room, it was really late, everyone else was in bed asleep. It wasn't the first time he'd come into my room at night, he had been doing it for months before that night, but he didn't do anything, just snuggled up to me, stroking my hair and whispering to me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was, I used to like it, I used to feel special, now I just feel dirty.

I wish I could have stayed 9 years old forever, then he wouldn't have touched me, used me, molested me…

He started like usual, telling me I was special, beautiful, and he kept talking about how grown up I was now, in that moment I felt so big and strong, like I could have taken on the world, now that I have I realise how young I really was, how childish my feelings were… and I wish I could feel like that again, happy, carefree, safe, but I know I cant. My innocence, my childhood, was taken by him on my 10th birthday.

I remember the very moment I realized it was going to be different, he was lightly stroking my arm moving down, closer and closer to my leg, I looked up at him and there was this look in his eyes, desire, purely desire. At the time I didn't understand, in some ways I still don't, but I've seen that look enough to know- he wanted me.

I was frozen, I didn't know what to do, it didn't feel right, be he said it was, and I trusted him, I loved him, I saw him as a father, he was meant to protect me.

As he started stroking my thigh he whispered "you're a big girl now"

As he started taking off my pants "don't be scared Kitten"

As he took off my underwear "this is how big girls show love…"

As he touched me "I love you kitten"

Somehow his boxers were gone, I never saw how, but the next thing I knew he was naked, putting his fingers in me, it hurt, I was terrified, I tried to scream, to call out for someone to help me, but he covered my mouth, started playing with my hair fondly as he threatened me, and my little sister..

"I love you kitten, I love you more than you can imagine, I love you more than I love you mother and I love you more than your sister… you don't want me to love my princess more than my kitten do you?"

It only took me a second to understand what he was saying, if I screamed, if I told anyone what he did he would hurt jess too. I couldn't let that happen, she was so young, I had to protect her.

"No, don't touch Jess, leave her alone!" I nearly screamed at him.

He just smiled, "then let me love you."

And I did.

I closed my eyes as he got on top of me, I thought about my childhood, the things I did, dancing, jumping rope, playing dolls with Jess, childish things, sweet and innocent things, the things I would never be able to do again. 

And I thought about my sister, I imagined her asleep in her bed, safe, peaceful, innocent, all the things I wasn't, all the things I was giving up for her, to let her stay a child like we both should have, it gave me the strength to stay silent, to save her…