Heartbeats, one after another; a steady beat. The only sensory input I have.
Where am I?
I can't see anything, just blackness. Nothingness; a void that has no perception or meaning, the space that isn't in between the things that are.
There is nothing here to see, but there is only nothing to look at.
I try to move my fingers, but I can't feel anything. No touch, temperature, or texture. Not even the feeling of my own body.
I try to shout, but there is no sound. Only the pumping of the heart rings in my ear. I don't even know if it's mine at this point. But… for some reason it feels familiar.
A long time passes.
Am I dead?
I don't know. There is too much missing, too much I can't understand. I don't even know if this a lack of something to sense or something to sense with.
The only thing here is the heartbeat; the thumping of opening and closing of valves.
It's gentle. A slow beat, ever present, like the ticking of a clock. Even in this emptiness, time still passes; uselessly, meaninglessly.
Is this what it's like being in space? No, at least the stars are there. This is more like being at the bottom of the ocean.
I saw a documentary once, where they went there in a submersible. They visited a lot of places. Hydrothermal vents where columns of blackened water billowed from rocky tubes that looked like massive stone leeches. Bone white sand spreading out in every direction, an ivory desert under a pitch black sky. Alien worlds that existed on our own planet. But, those aren't the places I'm thinking about. This isn't like those shallow places where the Earth's crust is.
While they were crossing the ivory deserts, they found an oasis. A small spring at the bottom of the ocean. Surrounded by a small ring of stones, a pool of murky grey and black appeared in the white. The water inside it didn't billow like the water from the vents, and it reflected the light from the submersible. Its surface rippled as they drew near. The waves that formed didn't mix with the water of the ocean, as if the pool was made of oil. But, it wasn't oil. Oil is lighter than water, it wouldn't sink here. No, the liquid inside that pool was water. A disturbing pool of water at the bottom of the ocean, penetrating the Earth's crust and going even deeper than the ocean itself could go.
They said it occurred because the water in the pool was denser than the rest, a mix of salts and toxic hydrogen sulfide had dragged this water deeper than the water around it.
It is one of those pools I imagine this is like. An even deeper body of water than the ocean. Lifeless, barren, empty, shutting out light completely preventing anyone from seeing in or seeing out.
Suddenly, my nothingness ends and a new feeling appears.
Heat.
Unbearable heat, as if molten metal was being injected into my chest.
The feeling spreads; into my lungs, up my throat, over my face, down my back and shoulder, and into my limbs. It's as if my body is being burned into existence. Forged, like metal in a furnace.
My fingers curl in agony, back arches in pain as every part of me is made. The only source of relief is breathing. My mouth sucks in cold air, before forcing it out like a pair of bellows.
The pumping of the heart continues throughout the process; unchanging, unmoving. The sole sound I had is gradually joined by more.
The sound of my own heart, racing from the pain. The sound of my choking, as I pant like a dog to cool myself. The occasional groan or scream I give when a new body part is formed.
Pain teaches me the complexity of the human body. For each organ, liquid fire pools and swirls inside me. Every bone, every gland, every muscle, nerve, intestine… Everything is burned into existence.
The heart beats count out my torment, slowly, endlessly.
After a long time, the addition of parts stops.
My body is complete.
I know, because my pain complete. If I was missing something, my pain would be a less. Every part of me floods my brain with warning signals. That's what pain is. A warning signal. A sign of impending death. Even though I am more alive than I was before, there is nothing but death in my mind.
I guess, that should be obvious. Without a body, I cannot die. In reverse, with a body there is nothing but death waiting for me.
Gradually, the heat disappears. It cools from my chest, as if dissipating from its source. The panic signals flowing down my nerves slow to a trickle, then vanish. New sensations are allowed to travel through them. The touch of my own skin, the taste of my own saliva, the smell of my sweat, and the sound of my breathing.
I crack my eyes open, restoring the last missing sensation.
There is nothing. Just blackness.
No, there is one change.
I am here.
Even though there is no light, my body is clearly visible. In a world of nothing, there is me. Naked. Alone, except for the second heart which has been with me this entire time. It continues; gently, slowly.
I remember this place now. This blackness. This nothing.
This is the remains of the Nirvana. The void that was left after it was sealed. An empty world with an alien perception of space and time.
Suddenly, something else appears.
A faint orange dot. A source of light, wavering in the blackness.
I can't see it properly, it's too far away.
The heart starts pumping harder. Gentle palpitations turn into a deeper pounding. The unchanging tempo begins to increase.
The light begins to grow. The orange dot turns into a halo of light, encircling a single flame. The flame of a candle. Orange light radiates from it, like a sphere floating in the blackness.
The candle approaches, then passes me by. It turn to see it, and watch it fly outwards into the nothingness behind me. It grows smaller and smaller into the dot I first saw before disappearing.
Another candle whizzes past me as I turn, then another. A sea of orange spheres, spreads out before me. Like the Milky Way, they spread out as far as the eye can see. A constellation of candles lighting up the darkness, swirling endlessly, going outwards in every direction
Their flames remain still. As if they aren't moving. Even though they rush past me, their flames point upwards, instead of trailing behind their source. No, it's not as if they aren't moving. The candles aren't moving at all. I'm the one rushing past them. Something is pulling me, dragging me towards the center of this sea of flames.
The heart beats are getting faster and louder. My own follows suit, soon echoing the other. The sound of two pounding hearts sends chills down my back and adrenaline through my blood, instinctively making me nervous.
I'm panting, not from exertion, but from fear. There is nothing to grab onto, nothing to push against. The candles pull away as I reach for them, and my feet can only flail uselessly. There is nothing I can do resist, not even a chain I can grab onto and rattle uselessly. The thing pulling me pulls my entire being evenly, as if every part of me was tied to it.
The beating grows louder and louder, drowning out my own. I don't know if this is a sign of me approaching the source, or the owner's excitement growing. It's like a massive drum is being smashed next to my head. The pulse of life ripples through me, causing every muscle to clench, even the ones responsible for making goosebumps.
The heart beat stutters. A triple burst when there should only be two, and a massive wave of something ripples through me.
No, not only me. The candles are blasted by it as well. Flames that were unmoving flicker and spasm, as if a mighty wind has blown over them. Even the blackness writhes, twisting space and the things within it. My body, the candles, the flames, even the spheres of light, everything is forced to follow. We grow, shrink, and twist like the images upon a warped mirror. I watch my arm stretch for miles, before twisting back around my head and touching its own elbow. My right knee bends backwards, sending the foot shooting past my head like over cooked spaghetti. I see the inside of my ear, then my nose, even my back passes by for a moment.
The heartbeat slows down, calming itself, as if coming down from an intense sprint. The world rights itself with its pulsing. Every beat pulls the world back to normal. Twisted limbs, candles, and light are untied and prodded back into shape.
My own heart has slowed down as well, as if mirroring the other. The gentle beating calms me, even after the insanity I saw.
I remain stationary while the world is corrected. Every candle is straightened and unwound, every sphere pushed back into its proper place. After a long time, the candles start moving past me again. I am being taken to the center again. The owner of the heart, the master of this world, the being that can pull space to shreds.
The sea of candles gets thicker as I go. A dense cluster of white stalks and orange flames parts like reed for me to go through.
Sweat beads on my body from the heat. The concentration of so many flames is beginning to burn me. My eyes sting, and I wipe a hand across them. There is nothing but white and orange in front of me now. The blackness is replaced by the sickly white of wax, and glowing orange of fire. It feels as if I'm falling through the sun. Raw heat comes from every direction.
Suddenly, the candles part. They spread out, like lilies on a pond, flying off into the distance. Their flames hanging onto their wicks for dear life.
A single bed is revealed. It's huge, king sized with four posters supporting a large panel above it. Silvery curtains dangle from above, hiding a figure lying on it.
My feet hit something solid. Cold marble, that's what it feels like. I take an experimental step. Nothing restricts my movements. The bindings that pulled me here seem to be gone. I guess that's obvious. This is where I was being taken. This is where the owner of the heartbeat, the person who took me here, the person on the bed wanted me to be.
The heartbeat still echoes around me. It's a little faster than before, but not the urgent pounding before the wave. A passionate pulsing, a drumroll waiting for the main event.
I take another step. The person who called me here is beyond those curtains.
Escape is impossible. No point keeping them waiting.
The shadow beyond the curtains moves, slowly, as if they've just woken up. The rustling and crumpling of soft blankets comes with every movement, like the sound of dry leaves under foot. Blurry shadow sharpen as they approach. It's approaching the curtains on all fours. I can make out thin shoulder and long hair, as well as a curved back. A woman's silhouette, smooth, graceful, almost like a cat.
The feminine shadow reaches the curtains, and raises a hand to them before stopping.
I can hear breathing. A harsh panting, followed by a loud swallow. The licking of lips and the creak as weight shifts on the bed.
The raised hand remains on the thin cloth, as if resting on a glass window.
A mix of smells seep out from the individual in front of me. Tulips, soap, sweat, and something else... tangy like an orange yet deep and musky.
My body begins to heat up, and a drop of sweat runs down my back. The heart inside me caught up to the one outside a while ago. Saliva pools in my mouth, and I swallow.
The figure flinches a little at the sound, then presses harder against the curtain. Small fingers dimple the cloth, reaching towards me.
Unconsciously, my hand begins to rise towards them. I watch as my fingers meets the shadow's, and pushes against them through the curtains. Both our hands spread out, her fingers stretching as far as they can go against mine.
Eventually, our palms touch. Her nails barley reach the second joint of my fingers. Cool skin sucks at the excess heat that radiates from me.
Slowly I stick my other hand through the curtains, and gently pull them open.
A woman sits in front of me. Naked as I am; her white skin glistens with sweat, pink nipples stand out from two small breasts, and black hair flows down her shoulders. A pink tongue traces similarly colored lips, before darting back inside. Her narrow throat pulses as she swallows. A blush reddens her cheeks, and her eyes stare up at me.
Blue eyes. Eyes as familiar as the heartbeat, as familiar as every part of her body I just saw.
"Kishinuma-kun."
That name, my name… How long has it been since I've heard it called like that?
Tears begin to flood my eyes.
I've wanted to hear this. That name. This voice. For so long it's been silent, the only recordings of it in my memories.
A cool hand rests against my cheek.
"It's alright." She smiles, and a tear trails down her cheek. "Come."
Her hands pull me to her chest. I sink into the groove between her breasts. The smell from before becomes stronger as I'm buried in its source. Soft mounds caress my cheeks, wiping away my tears.
"Kishinuma-kun…" She caresses her head gently. Cool fingers tousle my hair and stroke my neck.
A shadow covers my face as she bends over me. I feel her nose push apart my hair and her lips as they press against the top of my head, kissing it.
"Kishinuma-kun." The arms wrapped around my head and neck unwind. Palms press against my cheeks, and turn my face upwards.
A pair of lips press against mine. Saliva seeps into my mouth, followed by a tongue. A deep kiss; aggressive, hungry. She presses down on me. The breath from her nose feels like steam. Her tongue slips under my own, teasing it, stroking the underside, lapping at it like a cat with a bowl of milk.
Her smell flows into my nose, hair trails down my cheeks, draping their strands across my shoulders.
She pushes down, stronger than before. The tongue inside my mouth tastes me, sliding over the roof, and across my teeth.
Suddenly, she sucks. Her tongue pulls back at the same time as her body, dragging on top of her.
Gravity pours the fluids in my mouth into hers. Her throat gulps, drinking them in.
Slim fingers slide along the back of my head, and hold me in place. Lips shift as she twists her own head, and thrusts her tongue into mine again. This time, I reply. Our tips push against each other, before sliding past. The inside of her cheeks are smooth, velvety. Neatly arranged teeth tickle the bottom of my tongue and I explore the roof. A ridge slopes gently in the middle, and I push against it. Fingers tighten, pulling me closer.
My body rests on hers, my waist in between her legs. Soft thighs press against my sides, and squeeze me gently as I push down on her. Blood has already filled my member a long time ago. Nerves crackle as it pulses up and down.
I want to feel her with it, to touch her with it, to press into that soft skin and feel her along it.
Pushing down on her further, I pin her to the bed. She starts to pull back, and my tongue strokes the ridge along the top of her mouth. A muffled moan echoes into mouth, and I stroke the inside of her thigh. Velvety skin sends sparks down the shaft, and up my back. I stab my tongue down her throat for more and she twists her head away. My own head follows, stopping her from escaping.
Her breathing accelerates. Short panicked breaths from her nose brush my cheek.
Electric sparks fill my brain.
More.
I want more.
My hands wrap around the thin wrists pushing against my shoulders. A little pressure forces the arms they are attached to them into the mattress. She wriggles underneath me, but that only brushes my skin with her breasts and stomach.
I trace my tip down her thigh down to its base. It runs into something hard, the feeling of bone under skin, muscle, and fat. I stab into her mouth in frustration, and continue searching.
Feeling my way from right to left, I prod something softer than skin and she squeaks; a groove in between her legs.
It's damp. Something sticky trails down the lips. She's already came once. I guess she couldn't wait for me.
I suck on her tongue hungrily as I prod into the softness. The tip slips across the lips, but doesn't go in.
Sparks fry my brain, burning away everything.
I want to go in. I want to feel her.
I stab, and her back arches. The smooth stomach presses against my own. Her body still hasn't let me in.
I push harder, and her waist pulls back away from me.
Irritation. A different sort of spark, like the embers of a fire, flow through me.
My hands grip her wrists tighter. Bones groan in protest as she squeak in pain.
Her arched back flatten, bringing her waist back to me.
I push against her again. Trembling lips nervously slip to the side. She grunts as I enter.
Warm. Wet. Smooth. All of those are transmitted up from the tip to my brain, cooling the overheating circuits within it.
The tongue at me laps at my own, weakly, as if it's groveling before me, begging me.
I suck on it. I pull her in as I stab deeper into her. The feeling of her tongue in my mouth as her bottom half swallows me triggers every nerve in my head. Up and down disappear, as if my brain is at the bottom of the sea. Floating, that's what it feels like.
Weightless, zero gravity, free.
Suddenly, I'm on my back. Springs groan as I slam into the mattress. Shinozaki sits nearby with her backed turned towards me. She coughs heavily, followed by ragged breathing. A hand wipes her eyes.
The electricity from before is gone. Feverish circuits cool down, returning reason.
What did I just do? What happened?
Something damps touches my shoulder. It's the spot Shinozaki's head was at. It's damp, soaked with tears.
My body freezes, ice goes through my veins.
What did I just do? What have I done?
The ragged breathing has calmed down, replaced by sniffles.
She was crying.
Since when was she crying?
I don't remember.
I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember.
No matter how hard I think, the information isn't there. Everything I felt is engraved in my mind, but that's it. Only my feelings, my greed, my lust.
What have I done?
My hands shake, eyes blur. It feels as if something is crushing my chest. Some invisible fist gripping my ribs, threatening to squeeze until I pop.
I want it to. I want it to crush me.
Everything blurs, the world spins.
What have I done… I… I didn't… I…
"… won't forgive you…"
The words freeze my mind.
I look up.
Blue eyes glare at me.
"I won't forgive you."