Disclaimer: This is all mine! They all belong to me! Ahem…are you kidding? I claim to own nothing but this little situation. I am only borrowing the characters for a moment, knowing that I can not change who they are, but trying anyway. Ha-ha…yeah…
A.N: Ok so this is my first ever attempt at a ST Voyager fiction, let alone a JC. It is not set at any particular time, season, or episode, but it should be set sometime after a particular hard time for Janeway.
Please let me know what you think! I absolutely adore reviews, even if they are only one word! The reviews make it all worth it, so if you read this, please take the time to leave a wee note.
This is probably a borderline JC romance/friendship but I guess you'll be able to take it either way…
Wrap Me Up
The streaming stars outside the window of the moving ship turned into a blur as she gazed out, eyes unfocussed. It had been a long day – days – and Kathryn wanted nothing else but to stop, sit down in her favourite chair, and read a relaxing book. Of course that would also involve a deliciously hot cup of coffee, but that was such a given, it didn't even need to be said.
Why, oh why, did life have to throw everything at her? Why must it be her that everyone turned to in their time of need, expecting her to have the power to make everything better? Did they not know that she also struggled desperately? That she longed to have someone on whom she could depend, lean on, and call on when she needed to just let it all out? Of course not…to everyone else she had to remain strong, keep up a confident, in control façade so they would not lose hope.
Did they ever doubt her? Never. Did they ever see her give up hope, as they themselves had done numerous times? Never!
She was their rock in the sinking sand, their safe harbor in the storm, and their pillar of strength when all else around them was falling down. The belief was that if you remained by your Captains side, you would be forever safe for she would rather die herself than allow anything to happen to you.
This was all true.
But what this trusting crew did not know, was that each time she sacrificed herself in a small way to save the day, she would lose a part of herself. Each time they gained victory through the mere will of Janeway, she would be giving up another part of her soul to the never-ending journey of getting her crew home, back to Earth. Did she ever lose sight of this goal? Did she ever believe that they would not make it? That it would take years and years of their lives to get there? Never; she always held to the faith, believing they could do it, and in a shorter amount of time. If she let go of this faith, of this belief, she knew she would falter, falling into the despair and loneliness that threatened to over-whelm her everyday.
So who could she turn to? Who could she go to when she wanted to share her fears? When she needed reassurance that everything would be ok, and that she could do it, as she had so many times before in her life? Janeway wracked her brain, filtering through the options of who would best listen to her, support her, and not be afraid to tell her when she was wrong…
"Enter", Janeway answered before her mind had even acknowledged the door had chimed.
Immediately, her Captains mask had slipped back into place, her body taking the stance of relaxed control, and clear command.
"I have the reports you ordered, Captain", Chakotay's voice, permeated through into her swirling mind.
"Thank you, Commander", Janeway said, nodding her approval before turning back to the streaming stars.
Silence filled the room. Janeway turned back around.
"Is there something else, Commander?" Janeway asked, knowing there must be as he was still standing beside her desk in her dim ready room.
"Just wondering if you needed a listening ear", Chakotay smiled, his words an offering to the person behind the captains mask.
Janeway smiled, turning back to the window.
"What gave you the idea that I needed a listening ear, Commander?" she asked, her voice laced with humour.
"Chakotay, not the Commander, thought that these past days must have been very straining and rough on Kathryn, not the Captain", Chakotay answered quietly, his form a mere silhouette in the dim room.
"Therefore one must conclude that Kathryn must need someone".
Janeway turned back to him, her smile still in place, even when she felt her façade begin to crack.
"The Captain hasn't relinquished control in so long that Kathryn may find it difficult to stand alone", her voice whispered into the room that seemed to be growing in size.
"Then perhaps Chakotay could lend his assistance by supporting her?" he offered, quietly moving closer, reaching out an open palm.
"Perhaps…" her voice wavered, as the smile began to slip from her face and she also reached out, her hand mere millimeters from his.
Janeway took a deep breath in, her hand momentarily clenching as she fought to keep control of her emotions as Chakotay continued to move towards her. They were both silent as Janeway avoided his gaze.
Their hands connected as Chakotay took her small fist into his strong hands, smoothing out her fingers and massaging her palm as he reached for the other.
"Just let go, Kathryn", Chakotay whispered into her ear, as he drew her towards him, willing her to move into the support he was giving.
"NO!" Janeway suddenly yelled, wrenching her hands from his grasp and pushing herself back.
But it was the last of the Captain putting up a final fight, as no sooner had she pulled back, that she collapsed to her knees. The Captain had finally given way to reveal Kathryn; the woman behind the mask whom had been hiding for so long.
Janeway lifted her eyes as the tears began to fall, reaching her hands out towards the only one who could understand what had just happened.
"Chakotay", her voice rasped, catching as her breath became ragged.
Chakotay knelt down on the carpet before the broken woman, and pulled her into his arms. He held her close, wrapping her up in strength, support, warmth, and hope.
"It's so good to see you again, Kathryn; it's been so long", Chakotay whispered into her ear, as one of his hands began to rub large circles on her back.
"I didn't even know I was missing", she whispered back, her arms wrapping themselves tightly around his waist.
"Well…all that matters now is that you are letting it all out so you can still move on tomorrow".
"But I am so tired, Chakotay. I am so tired of sacrificing myself at every turn; of giving up another part of Kathryn just so the Captain can get her crew home".
"Then perhaps we need to let Kathryn out more often, when you are not on duty", Chakotay pulled back, looking down on her sad face with a warm smile.
Janeway put her face into his chest, holding him tightly for one final hug before pulling away. She rolled back on her feet so she could stand.
Chakotay also stood, reaching for her once again, but she had already begun pacing. Instead, he put his arms behind his back, lacing his fingers; his eyes ever watching her.
"You know, it's ok to admit that you need a hug every now and then", Chakotay chuckled.
"Yes, and I do confess that I needed that more than anything", Kathryn smiled as she paused in her pacing.
"But what do you mean in saying we should let 'Kathryn out' more often?"
"That you should allow your true self to show, even if just to me, more often so you don't lose yourself in the Captaincy", Chakotay explained, standing still but still watching her.
"It wouldn't hurt for us to do more together, as friends would, instead of always waiting for one of us to break down. We are, after all, only human".
Janeway paused in her pacing once more, looking up into his face.
"What could we do?" she asked, genuinely interested.
"All the things that Kathryn loves", Chakotay smiled, bringing his arms forward and reaching out a hand.
Janeway took his offered hand and allowed him to slip her hand through his arm, standing beside him and looking up into his face.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again; your needs will always be first".
Janeway smiled, squeezing his arm.
"And I will say, from this day onwards, that there is nothing wrong with the Captain needing a hug now and then", she replied, her smile growing as he chuckled.
"And she may even let Kathryn out to play more often, sometimes even with the crew?" Chakotay dared to ask, keeping the smile constant.
"Only when not on duty", Janeway pointed out, her pointed finger and expression making herself quite clear.
Their peals of laughter could be heard down the corridor as the two walked out together toward a future filled with more hope and joy than ever thought before.
And as the door closed behind the pair, the room seemed to glow in anticipation as another part of Kathryn Janeway's soul came back together like the pieces of a broken jewel. If each sacrifice made by the Captain would take a part of Janeway's soul, then the joyous adventures of Kathryn would bring it back, along with so much more. And Chakotay would always be there to lead the way.
After all, a soul is not complete without love.
The end