Whoo! For those of you who care or not ('cause I'm shoving this down all of your throats), today is TNS's birthday! :D In honor of that, I have decided to post a new story I've had in the works for a while - and I mean a WHILE. An update for TNS (which was probably the one you guys actually cared about) is coming up, probably by next week if I get enough writing time. So, until then, enjoy everyone!
Team Seven hated international missions.
Maybe it was their clients, maybe it was the circumstances, hell, maybe it was them, but no matter where they went on their "special missions", something always, always went wrong.
That wasn't to say that Team Seven wasn't perfectly competent. As a matter of a fact, they were very good at what they did. They were established jounin and hailed as the 'next Sannin' after all.
Naruto insisted that Kami was screwing with them - his second guess was that they somehow got stuck in a mind-boggling Tsukuyomi and this was to repent for all their sins. (Needless to say, few believed him)
Sasuke still insisted that their clients were whackjobs and/or homicide-impulsive sociopaths. (Both of his teammates muttered something like 'hypocrite' under their breaths)
Sakura still stuck to her theory that they probably overreacted for every mission. (Both boys vehemently denied this)
But seriously. Every single time. Something. Went. Wrong.
First, they were assigned to go to some place called "New York" and protect someone named "Percy" from these people trying to kill him. Fairly straightforward.
The first problem was getting there.
Once they finally managed to find a "plane" and get to "New York" ('they' being an airsick Naruto, a pissed Sasuke and an exhausted Sakura), the three had to find this "Long Island" place. It was increasingly difficult, since everyone spoke a different language then they did. Naruto cursed up a storm when he realized that everyone both didn't understand him and just plain ignored him.
Plus, they got some really weird looks for their attire. Pfft. They were the ones dressed strangely!
Finally, after a seriously annoying transit from the city to the island, they arrived. The three ninja were told to look for a "strawberry farm" that seemed suspicious. They had no idea what it was, of course, so just went by recognizing the words.
They reached the place, and were about to enter when a force field seemed to block them from crossing the hill. Sasuke, in all his Uchiha-patented anger, blew an overpowered Honsenka no Jutsu at said force field, and then it shattered.
The tree that was once on the top of the hill suddenly burst into flames, disintegrating down to ashes in an instant. An effect, almost like shattering glass, rained down where the force field stood only moments before. People, screaming in horror, began swarming up the hill, with bows and katanas in their hands.
Sakura groaned, Sasuke smirked, and Naruto cheered at the thought of a fight. There were loads of people, so plenty of time to kick ass.
(None of them questioned why, exactly, they were fighting)
The ninja, after a few seconds, were pleasantly surprised.
Not only were the people (whether they were friend or foe, Team Seven couldn't have known) somehow arranging a formation, they actually had decent fighters from the way they held themselves. They looked like veterans.
Rows of archers in the back, a large mass of people with katanas and spears and knives and anything in between, and plenty of large, mechanical devices that the ninja were unfamiliar with.
However, it was some of the people themselves that surprised them.
One camper had created a mini hurricane around himself, another pair had summed cracking lightning. A gleaming golden dragon appeared in the skies, breathing fire. A bunch of Edo Tensei-like soldiers climbed out of the earth. A large eagle began swooping towards them. Rocks and gems erupted from the ground. One camper burst into flames.
Sasuke claimed the first attack (again...Uchihas and their damn pride). Gokakkyu no Jutsu would certainly thin out their ranks.
And that it did. People screamed in fear, some of the mini houses caught on fire, and there was chaos everywhere.
Sakura, not to be left out, decided to go next. Channeling chakra into her signature taijutsu style, she unleashed a barrage of punches that pretty much destroyed the hill they were standing on...along with about half of the actual base grounds.
Naruto, grinning evilly, swept through his hand signs for his favorite signature jutsu (besides the Rasengan and Rasenshuriken, of course) -Sora Doriru. The spinning mass of wind energy slammed into what remained of the camp and destroyed it, along with throwing all the people to the ground.
The people, however, didn't give up, and Sasuke found himself fighting a dark haired dude with a bronze sword, while Sakura was dueling a blonde girl with a single knife, and Naruto...just made clones and fought everyone else.
Then, a man riding on a horse- no, THAT WAS A HORSE DUDE! - came riding up, an old-fashioned bow in hand. Arrows began raining on them, and Team Seven finally decided to abort the mission. This wasn't going as planned, anyway.
When they returned to Tsunade, let's just say Team Seven was not a happy team.
(Back at camp, Chiron held a funeral for Thalia's tree - Thalia making a dramatic speech about her bond to said tree - while Leo gushed on and on about the 'amazing fire dude')
Their next mission was supposed to be easy. Go to some "Starfleet" and help some Captain named "James" save the galaxy. This one was admittedly a bit weird but they didn't question it.
They used some strange vehicle where you sit on the top and it will run for you to get there, apparently called 'motorcycles' by the natives.
Sakura loved it, Sasuke liked it, and Naruto just wanted to go home.
Arriving at the drop point, the (slightly nauseous) Team Seven waited for some kind of vehicle to come when...
A F*KING MONSTER APPEARED IN THE SKY!
It was large, silver, and had many eyes. It could fly too! And its feet were shooting some kind of blue fire!
Team Seven freaked, and instantly began hurling rapid-fire jutsu at the large, tyrannical beast. It immediately retaliated, shooting beams of green and blue fire at the trio.
The beams of fire exploded and created large holes in the ground. Team Seven was not amused.
Before long, after some failed jutsu, the trio sheepishly admitted that they were no match for this thing, and decided to abandon the mission in favor of their own lives.
Sakura created a dust cloud for cover (thanks to her fists) and the team retreated rather quickly. They were certain, however, that the terrible monster wouldn't be threatening other people any time soon, courtesy of the gaping hole in its body that Team Seven graciously beat into it. They escaped smugly.
(Inside the ship, James questioned blankly, "Who the hell were they?" while Bones muttered darkly about how he hated this job)
Their NEXT mission was almost a week later, and involved strange transporting devices. Apparently they had to go to some place called "Europe" and help some "Harry Potter" dude escape some creepy snake bastard. Due to old grudges, Team Seven immediately accepted.
(They honestly didn't care if the evil dude was Orochimaru or not, they would be satisfied with killing his brother)
In all their eagerness, they didn't even question why their 'portal' device was an old shoe.
When the arrived, things were in chaos. They were in some kind of castle, where a large scale battle was taking place. Being familiar with fighting, they immediately scouted the area for pale-skinned pedophiles with snake friends.
Surprisingly enough, they found one in almost five minutes. It was a pale, bald dude with a pet snake summon. He was shouting at the people in the castle in some kind of strange language, not that Team Seven cared. They finally knew what side they were fighting on!
They threw a single kunai and the snake was out of the picture - after all, dealing with his snake summon later would be (in the words of Shikamaru) troublesome.
They leaped at the snake weirdo and within twenty seconds he was dead as dirt, thanks to Sasuke's Chidori. The entire team felt smug satisfaction. Revenge wasn't necessarily right, but boy it sure made them feel better.
Suddenly, like a rushing tsunami, out of the castle came hundreds of battered people, all screaming words at them with smiles on their faces. Some people, dressed entirely in black, fell to the ground and started sobbing.
Yeah, Team Seven was confused all right.
Suddenly, out of absolutely no where, a lady with horrible bed head and crazed eyes shot green stuff out of a stick at them while screaming something in rage. The woman looked like an asylum escapee and wore a tattered black dress - very gothic. Not even commenting on the weirdness, the shinobi instantly took her out too.
The cheers - and screams - grew even louder.
Slightly creeped out, Team Seven decided unanimously that their mission was complete, and disappeared less than a second later.
(Ever since, the three mysterious heroes were dubbed "The People Who Lived" or "The Chosen Three" and were worshipped like gods, while Harry was, sadly, forgotten)
Team Seven was getting sick of foreign missions when Tsunade called them for a fourth time.
This time, they had to help some creepy dude called "Asura" spread his madness across the world and kill a bunch of people that changed into weapons who were trying to oppose him. Oh, and they also had to kill the Shinigami.
They immediately declined.
The mission was given to Team Gai instead.
When Neji, Lee, and Tenten came back a few hours later, shaking in fear and pale as paper, they patted them on the shoulder understandingly and pointed them in the direction of a good chocolate shop, which they promised would "drown their fears in chocolate".
Poor Lee couldn't even muster a "youth".
(Asura was annoyed that his promised mercenaries failed but it didn't majorly affect his plans. After all, Lord Death and his stupid DWMA would fall eventually)
The next foreign mission they went on was definitely the weirdest, but also the second...moderately...successful one.
Apparently they needed to go to this oddly dystopian society and protect a teenage girl as she entered a battle to the death with 23 other teenaged kids while the government filmed it all for entertainment value.
They shrugged. They were teen killers too, so they assumed they would fit right in.
"Oooooooooh, the scenery is so awesome here! I should totally summon Gama and have a water fight! I mean, there's beaches and jungle and everything!"
"Naruto, we're fighting to the fucking death. Try and focus."
"Hn. Idiot."
"Awww...Fiiiiiiiine..."
And so began their killing spree.
They didn't know who their charge was, so they just stayed on the lookout for brown-haired braided-haired girls with bows and arrows.
After about ten minutes, the games had their first three-way-tie, since every other player were killed by the surprisingly bloodthirsty ninja or just disappeared mysteriously.
The trio assumed the disappearances had to do with the ginormous gaping hole in the ceiling of the arena, but hey, what did they know?
Plus, the three shinobi refused to kill one another, to the annoyance of the Capitol. But what could they do? They were standing on water, and wisely didn't go in the section with the tsunami wave.
Whirlpool? Nope, wouldn't suck them in.
Lightning to electrocute them? The stupid black haired kid redirected it.
Horrible monsters? Killed immediately via projectiles.
When Team Seven returned to Tsunade with happy grins, she was sufficiently concerned about their mental health.
(Katniss still wondered about those strange kids that won the Quarter Quell. She just hoped that District 13 had gotten them out too)
There were also a bunch of other 'special' missions that they didn't even attempt.
One of them was to kill some evil snake god (what WAS it with evil and snakes always being put together?!) in Egypt. Random, yes, but Tsunade didn't really care as long as they payed a hefty price for it.
As soon as Team Seven arrived, they were thrust into an all out, mind-numbingly complicated battle where the snake god thing seemed to be curling through different dimensions. There were a bunch of people with animals heads blasting jutsu at said snake.
They left rather quickly, and Tsunade agreed that the Brooklyn House would have to deal with their own problems.
(Sadie and Carter had to admit, they were pretty sure Apophis had poisoned their mind or something when a group of people appeared out of thin air, looked around, and then disappeared again)
Their next mission was to help a cross-dressing teenaged girl - who was apparently part of a host club of rich and famous bastards that entertained ladies - hook up with a blonde dude who was clearly as dumb as cheese. The mission, of course, was from the blonde, whom was smitten with the oblivious girl...boy...whatever gender she identified with.
Team Seven didn't even need to ask WHY a group of ninja were being hired as matchmakers - their Hokage sufficiently filled them in by ranting about how f*cking rich Konoha would be from now on so just do it, dammit!
When they arrived in a swirl of leaves, there were two look-alikes, one with blue hair and the other with pink throwing random articles of clothing, desks, food, and UFO's (since they were unidentified flying objets). Plus, a poor boy - who looked decidedly feminine - was caught in the middle, groaning.
As soon as they entered, though, everyone was silenced with a gasp.
"LOOK! IT'S THE PEOPLE TAMAKI-SEMPAI HIRED!" The two twins with weird hair called out.
Suddenly, there were school girls everywhere, and a large quantity made their way to Sasuke - and, surprisingly, to Naruto - while a bunch of boys ogled Sakura from afar, due to her murderous glare.
The stampede of girls raced towards the two poor ninja as they were frozen in place.
"SQUEEEE! YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS NINJA-SAN!" The girls screamed as the boys' eyes widened, in fear and confusion. How did they know they were ninja, and how were they going to escape them!?
"NINJA-CHAN, WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND!?" The boys all cooed dreamily. Sakura backed away, before finding a smoke bomb, setting it off, and Shushining to somewhere VERY far away. Sorry boys...
Naruto and Sasuke, realizing they had been abandoned, sought the same measures, before Hiraishining the hell out of there.
The mission failed, but Tsunade had gotten the money beforehand, so there really was nothing lost per say. After hearing their reports, Tsunade agreed that it would never be spoken of again.
On their way out of her office, Naruto joked about how they had met Sakura's brother - and got a chakra-punch to the face.
(Tamaki was angry that his hired 'love ninja' to make Haruhi-chan realize she was in love with him was just a scam, but shrugged it off. It wasn't that much money anyways...)
The other mission they left rather quickly with was definitely the most terrifying yet.
At first sight, they were relieved. After all, it wasn't too far - still in the same country - and they actually spoke their language. It was like Kami's gift to Team Seven!
And the missions itself was actually quite easy. Just go in, kill a bunch of creatures, get out.
What the mission parameters didn't remember to include, however, was what they looked like.
"HOLY SHIT SAKURA-CHAN THAT UGLY GIANT FUCKER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT IS NAKED!"
"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY EYES! THEY BURRRNNNN!"
"...Whoa."
Needless to say, they had their hands full with Titans.
"OK, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO SOCIETY! YOU'LL PAY FOR YOUR OFFENSIVE NUDITY!"
But they were proud shinobi of the Leaf, and they would hunt down and destroy this horrifying menace...clothes or not.
"DIEEEEEEEE!"
The three shinobi leapt into action, delivering powerful attacks to the Titans, but after whats seemed like an hour, when any normal enemy would be dead four times over, they realized the Titans just wouldn't die!
It was irritating, definitely, fighting giant immortal naked dudes.
Then, as the three were making a tactical retreat (read: running away), they heard a scream. It was a Titan.
Eating someone alive.
Needless to say, Team Seven left immediately.
(Mikasa was pretty sure the trauma from seeing her surrogate mother die at the hands of the Titan invasion made her insane. There was no way anyone with pink hair could punch one of those monsters through Wall Rose)
Their final mission scarred them forever.
They were forced - by use of a strange portal - into a strangely animated world where everything was rounded and cheerful. The sun was shining in a pure blue sky, there were grass and trees that seemed surreally green, and everything was a bright color.
They knew something was horribly, horribly wrong.
Then, she came, and all their fears were confirmed.
No, it could not be a 'she', because it wasn't human! Calling it a 'she' would be an insult to normal girls everywhere.
The girl-ish creature had a ginormously deformed head, almost as big as Naruto himself, and giant brown eyes with a sadistic glint to them. Its hair was very short, like Sakura's but a very dark brown color.
It was dressed in horrible bright clothes, with the pink and orange and white mixing together in a blinding array of gag-worthy uglyness, a level of ugly only beaten by her face.
The thing turned to them and smiled, an awful, creepy smile, like one you would find on a bloody clown's face as it killed you with a chainsaw.
It spoke in a deceptively cheerful voice. "Hola, soi Dora!"
They didn't even have to know what it was saying to understand what was going on. It was a horror show and theyhadtoleaveRIGHTnowortheywouldtotallyDIE-
When the three appeared back in Konoha, courtesy of Naruto's Hirashin, Sasuke actually hugged the blonde in all his gratefulness.
(Dora turned to her friends. "Aww, my new friends are gone! I was hoping that they could play with me!")
That day was when Team Seven finally refused to do any more strange, outside-of-the-Elemental-Nations missions. Ever.
"Alright Team Seven. I have a new mission for all of you." Tsunade greeted as the three jounin arrived in her office. "This one is a bit strange but I think you'll like it. We have been hired to go to a place called 'Chicago' to protect a girl named Tris from group of evil super geniuses out to-"
"No."
"Never again."
"Absolutely not."
Tsunade was left with a bunch of swirling leaves and a blank look on her face.
She shrugged. "Oh well.." Smirking, she called over the intercom, "Team Kurenai, please report to the Hokage's office immediately."
A/N: Tada. My first stand-alone fic. I tried to make the Fandoms as widespread as possible, so everyone could find at least one they thought was funny...though there were a lot of anime. Meh. :I
Speaking of fandoms! Now, time for the disclaimer: *takes a deep breath*
I do not own Naruto, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Soul Eater, The Hunger Games, Kane Chronicles, Ouran High School Host Club, Attack on Titan, Dora the Explorer (O_o), or Divergent.
...
Dang. That's a lot of em.
So, if you guys enjoyed it, leave a review! I might add a second part to this if the demand is high enough, so if you want more tell me a couple randoms you'd like to be included! Even if you didn't like it, tell me what I can improve on! Feedback, positive or critical, is always welcome.
R&R!
Love,
HawaiianSunsets