AN: This is what's called "purging": a sincere Mea Culpa for everyone waiting for updates and an explanation for the delays. With everything going in my life, writer's block has been a bitch. I thought I had experienced it before, but now I laugh: that was nuthin'. So, while this has to be taken with a grain or two of salt and the clear statement that this is a work of fiction, this is mostly biographical and hopefully a way to get me back on track. I don't own 'em, just all of Sookie's frustration. Enjoy.
"Damn it, Alcide, you know this isn't fair to them!" I try not to scream into the phone. Not only does my soon-to-be ex-husband not pay a single dime of child support for his two sons, but he takes his new girlfriend and herson on fun little day trips. Trips that he breaks promises that he made to his own children to take.
"Debbie has the week off work and Jake isn't in school yet. You won't let me pull AJ and Hunter out of class to go, so don't put the blame on me for this," he growls back at me.
I'm pacing the bedroom of the house I moved into after leaving my lazy, alcoholic, unemployed, and increasingly abusive husband. I wasn't able to handle being so chronically unhappy and decided that I didn't have to live that way if I didn't want to. Our sons came with me since I was the sole money-maker and could provide for them. Surprisingly, although they missed their daddy, they were also relieved to be free of the almost-constant fighting.
The dark head of my oldest son peeks timidly into my room, his green eyes looking so scared and sad. He's so kind and good-hearted; he hates the fighting more than anything. On more than one occasion, he has thrown his tiny body between his father and I too prevent the argument du jour from becoming physical. I silently pull him from the door into my arms for a hug, kiss his ebony curls, and send him from the room for a snack. He doesn't need to hear this.
I close the door behind him and return to the phone call with my ex. "You promised this to the boys before Debbie ever appeared in the picture. They've been looking forward to this since the summer. Your obligation should be to your children, not your new girlfriend and her kid. Get your fucking priorities in order!"
"Mom and Dad already bought the passes. I can't ask them to spend more money to change the date!" Of course he can't. Not when they're paying his rent and utilities while his minimum-wage, part time job gives him barely enough to buy groceries. I hear him light a cigarette and the pop-hiss of a bottle opening. Beer. So much for his promise to me to stop drinking.
"Do your parents know the passes they bought are being used on your girlfriend and her kid and not AJ and Hunter?" I may not adore (or even like) my in-laws, but they love their grandsons without bounds and would never overlook the boys like that.
He's silent at my accusation, so I know I'm right. He lied to his parents. I sigh and flop on my bed. "Call them or I will… and I know you don't want that. Fix this. I will not let you break those boys' hearts because you can't stop thinking with your dick." I hang up to get the last word, hoping and praying that the man I married a little more than ten years ago will finally do something right for his children.
I plug my phone into my bedside charger and go out to the little kitchen. AJ and Hunter and sharing a bowl of chocolate Chex mix while watching SpongeBob. Ugh. That show is a damn migraine waiting to happen. I turn the TV off and pull a box from the bottom shelf of the entertainment center. "Let's do a puzzle before bed. Since you guys don't have school tomorrow, you get a movie for bedtime. It's Hunter's turn to pick."
We silently work together to put together a dinosaur puzzle before I declare it pajama time. AJ grabs his own and I help Hunter into his since he's only three and doesn't have the best coordination. I give him the movie options he can choose from while he struggles into his Elmo PJs. I tuck both boys in before starting "Finding Nemo". They both get snuggles and kisses before the lights go out and the door closes behind me.
I go back to my room and close that door as well. I cover my eyes with a pillow and resist the urge to scream into it. Since all Alcide did for the last two years was wallow about his inability to get a job in his preferred field, drink obscene amounts of beer and hide liquor in rarely-used cabinets, smoke like a chimney, and play stupid games on the computer, I've been a married single mother for more than two years. Caring for the boys has never been a hardship, although help from their father would have been appreciated from time to time. However, having to soothe them after Daddy yelled at them for no reason shouldn't have had to be part of my "Mommy" duties. Now, assuring them that Debbie and Jake aren't more important to him them they are breaks my heart. And the fact that the bastard says it's all my fault and he shouldn't have to pay any support for them because I left him just plain pisses me off.
I see the message light blinking on my phone and I start a mental debate with myself. If it's Al leaving me yet another nasty and spiteful voicemail, text, or email, I'd rather not deal with it right now. But there's also the possibility that it might be my parents or someone I actually want to talk to, so I take the chance. Once I hit the little sequence to unlock my phone, the IM bubble flashes.
Al doesn't use the instant messenger; he doesn't know how. I breathe easier. I hit the flashing icon and Eric's smiling face lights up my screen. Hallelujah! I need to vent to someone!
Sookiesez: Thank Heavens it's you!
(The Hitchcock fan) NorthbyNorthman: Fuck, what's he done now?
My fingers fly as I detail to my best friend how Alcide has pissed me off this time. Eric and I became friends through work. He was our boss's boytoy and I was newly pregnant with Hunter, not even showing yet. We worked together well, training new hires for our tech company and teased each other good-naturedly in our downtime. When Pam was transferred to a different center, Eric and I got even closer. Since we worked second shift, it was nothing for us to go to IHOP or Denny's for a late dinner or early breakfast before heading to our respective houses.
As time passed and Alcide got laid off for the third time in two years, I become more comfortable leaning on Eric than my husband. For a single, childless guy, he gave exceptional advice. He showed more interest in Hunter's progress as my pregnancy advanced than Al did. He would fetch me snacks when cravings hit at work and would even occasionally join AJ and I on our day-off outings since all Alcide wanted to do was mope.
As such, it was no surprise that the first person I called when I moved out, after my parents, was Eric. He knew enough by that point to offer me congratulations rather than condolences. He even took me out for a celebratory evening of heavy drinking after getting Mom and Daddy to look after the boys.
Sookiesez: Do u think u can come over? The boys r asleep and I'm 2 damn pissed. I need 2 talk.
NorthbyNorthman: Give me 20. OMW.
I see the lights of his truck pull into my driveway and force a smile on my face. He doesn't bother knocking; he knows I leave the door unlocked when he's coming over. I hand him a beer when he comes into the kitchen and grab one for myself. We sit on the floor of my living room, facing each other over the coffee table. "I'm so close to hating him, Eric. How can I hate someone I loved so much not too long ago?"
He takes a sip from the longneck and licks his lips. "Well, it depends on why you're close to hating him. Do you feel bitter or jealous that he's moved on to Debbie?"
"No!" I exclaim emphatically. "Honestly, his having a girlfriend doesn't bother me in the least… at least not in a jealously way. I think what gets to me is that she and her kid get to spend all this time with him and go out and do things with him and our kids get shafted in the process. He complains about not having money to buy the kids Christmas gifts and bitches at me because I can and 'won't share'. But his parents buy them passes to start their vacation at Six Flags, but got the date wrong because he refuses to put the school holidays on a calendar. Rather than pay a little to get the dates on the passes changed, he's taking his parents' gift to our kids and giving them to other people. It's not fucking fair to them!" Tears start to fall and I wipe at them angrily.
"Mommy? Why you cryin'?" a sleepy voice asks from the hall.
Eric intercepts AJ as I try to clean my face. "Hey, little man! What are you doing out of bed so late?"
Even at eight years old, he looks so much like his infant-self when he yawns and rubs at his eyes. "Hunter's snorin' and I heard you guys talkin'. Why're you so mad at Daddy?"
I just cannot bring myself to tell him. Maybe Alcide will develop a conscience overnight and give his children the gift that his parents assume would go to them without question. "Your daddy and I just had a disagreement. We had to talk some things out. Don't let it worry you at all."
"I know it has something to do with Debbie. Are you mad that Daddy has a girlfriend?" He settles his tall, long body into Eric's lap and leans to rest his head on my shoulder.
"Baby, if she makes your daddy happy, I have no problem with them being together. Do you and Hunter like her?" I tilt my head to look down at my oldest child.
He sighs, never a good sign from my happy-go-lucky son. "Jake picks on Hunter. He doesn't like that Hunter can do things he can't since he's in school and Jake isn't. Since he's bigger, he does little things like push Hunter down and say he tripped. I try to stop it, but sometimes he's tricky." AJ loves being a big brother and takes his role seriously. He doesn't stand for anyone picking on his little brother. "Debbie is okay, even though she ignores Jake being mean. She gives him dessert even if he doesn't eat his dinner, but makes us eat even if we don't like it. She takes Jake out to fun places and leaves us behind."
Well, now I have a problem. Trying to play Devil's Advocate, I make a suggestion. "Maybe she just wants to give Daddy some time alone with you and your brother."
Eric runs his fingers though AJ's dark curls distractedly and I can't help but grin as my son unconsciously leans into the strokes like a cat. "She has all the fun ideas for things we can do and places we can go, but they're always for after we come back home." His deep green eyes, just like his father's, look so sad at being left out of his daddy's plans. Plans that include a different little boy.
I take a deep breath and excuse myself for a moment. I tell AJ I'm getting him a glass of water before taking him back to bed. Once in the kitchen, I splash some cold water on my face to rinse the earlier tear streaks from my cheeks and literally cool off. I know he only works part time. I know he's living on generic Chef Boyardee and Spaghetti-O's. I know he begs for rides to work occasionally because he can't afford gas. But he doesn't need a Goddamned paycheck to enjoy time with his kids. He doesn't need money for a park, a playground, a fucking puppet show with mismatched socks. All the boys want is some genuine time with their daddy. Despite how many times he's bitched at me about actually crying for missing them so much, he's more than willing to let a woman he's only known for a few months and her apparent bully of a child disrupt the limited amount of time he's willing to give them.
I'm furious that he's treating them like this. I grab a small glass and fill it with water for AJ. He and Hunter leave in a week to spend a few days with Al before spending two weeks with his parents for Christmas. This will be the first time I don't get to see my boys on Christmas morning. This is the first year that Hunter is old enough to appreciate the magic of Santa and I'm going to miss it. The boys will have a Christmas with my parents and me over New Year's weekend, but it's so not the same.
I try to wipe my expression clean of the negative emotions before I head back to the living room, taking deep breaths and hoping my face isn't as red as it feels. I find AJ still curled up on Eric's lap, his dark head rested against my friend's chest, his eyes closed and breathing deep and even. Eric smirks up at me before rising gracefully to his feet, winking at me, and carries AJ to his room. I take the cup back into the kitchen and settle on the couch, sipping my beer.
Rather than take his place back on the floor, he flops next to me on the sofa. "He doesn't want to go, you know?"
"Hmm?" I ask, not really sure what Eric is referring to.
"To his grandparents' house. He was excited to see Jackson and Christine until Al told him that Debbie and Jake would be joining them Christmas night. AJ told me that he'd rather stay here with you."
Damn it. I'm glad he told me, but what can I do? We've ALWAYS split the holidays between his parents and mine. Since I had the boys for Thanksgiving, he gets them for Christmas. It's been the process for the past eight years, since AJ was born. I know he loves Gramma Chrissy and Poppa Jack, but I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. However, it would break Alcide's heart to know that his look-alike son doesn't want to spend the holiday with him, even if the reason is because of the inclusion of his new girlfriend.
I tip my head to rest it on Eric's shoulder. "Would I be a total bitch if I told Al to leave her and her kid at home so our boys can enjoy the holiday with their grandparents?"
He sips his beer over my head. "I'm not a parent, but if I were, my kid's comfort and happiness would always come before my own. That's the way it should be, right?"
I nod. "I try. God knows every now and then I would like some time to myself, but I will always be there for the boys when they need me, and sometimes when they don't. Every hour of every day, I belong to them. But I wouldn't have it any other way because those boys are my life. If something I brought into their life made them unhappy, the first thing I would do is find out how to remove myself from it. I just don't know if Alcide is selfless enough to do that."
He cocks an eyebrow at me. "The real reason you left him, right?"
"No kid should have to be a barrier between their parents. He and I used to fight civilly, away from AJ, but after Hunter was born, something broke. He would intentionally pick fights and push my buttons in front of them. It was a combination of that on top of everything else that was wrong that ended 'us'."
He drains his bottle before patting my leg and silently walking out of the room. I use the break to check on the boys. AJ's soft snores tell me he made it back to sleep and I can't help but grin at Hunter's baby snorts. I pull the blanket higher over him and softly smooth back the fine golden curls he got from me. I press a light kiss to each forehead before closing the door and heading back to the couch.
Eric hands me a fresh beer and sits with his own. "Pam's transferring back next month," he blurts out unprompted.
Oh. That could be dicey. Pam had been our training supervisor when I started in that Eric had been there for almost a year and it wasn't common knowledge that they were hooking up after hours. He overheard me talking to her about how I'd need a few concessions over the next few months, what with the nausea, exhaustion, and frequent need to pee. While she was asking me about the symptoms of my pregnancy, he misunderstood and thought she was telling me of her own symptoms and had himself a little freak-out. When he pulled me aside on a break to ask me about the conversation, I corrected his assumption. Thinking it would be funny, he told her about his misunderstanding. She wasn't amused. She broke things off between them and less than two months later she transferred to Phoenix, supposedly to take a management position at a new center. News that she's transferring back is surprising. "Office grapevine?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "She called me."
I choke back a laugh at his expression and wiggle my eyebrows at him. "And…?"
"It's not the same." He shrugs and looks completely unaffected. "It's not like we kept in touch after she left. If I'm really honest, things between us were cooling off when we had the misunderstanding. If she's thinking we're going to pick up again, well, that's just not happening."
I haven't seen him with anyone in a few months, so I know he's single. "Keeping your options open?"
He huffs what sounds like a slightly bitter chuckle. "Something like that."
"Oh, come on now. You've listened to me bitch and moan all night. How long has it been?" Eric is a serial monogamist and it's never taken him long to bounce back from a break-up and move on to the next girl.
"Umm…" The crests of his cheeks get slightly pink. Huh. I don't think I've ever seen Eric blush before.
"Oh, tell me. I guarantee my dry spell is longer than yours," I joke, but I'm sadly serious too. With the drinking, depression, and the almost-constant personality of a pissed off viper, even when Alcide was in the mood, the way he treated me was a turn-off. As a result, I hadn't had pleasure from anything other than my hand in over a year.
"It's… uh… it's been five or six months," he throws out and I didn't think it was possible, but he blushes even more. Why is he embarrassed?
I think back to the summer. The last girl I remember him with was a bubble-headed ditz named Ginger. She hated me. She thought Eric and I spent too much time together to not be screwing, even though I was married. Now that I think about it… it wasn't long after I left Al that Eric broke up with her.
He sees when the comprehension hits me. As strange as it is, despite being friends for years, I've never once thought of Eric that way. Even when I resorted to pleasuring myself, he never starred in my fantasies. He's my friend. ONLY my friend.
I look over at him again, trying to see him with different eyes. Yes, he's good looking – almost ridiculously so. His tall, lanky frame, shaggy blond hair, and turquoise eyes never fail to gain him fans and groupies in our training classes. My type had always been dark and beefy rather than fair and lean – Alcide had been a perfect physical example of the guy I usually fell for. But as a person, not many I've met are better than Eric. Throughout the mess that my personal life has become, no one outside of my family has supported me like he has. He not only adores my kids, but they like and trust him as well. I know that I can rely on him and he'll always be there for me.
Can I even look at him romantically? Am I reading things wrong? I'm still technically married, although that fact hasn't stopped my husband from moving on. Most importantly – am I willing to damage or lose the best friendship I've had in a long time if I take a chance like this.
I ask Eric for a moment, grab my coat and purse, and step onto my tiny back porch. After pulling the parka on against the freezing December air, I indulge in my secret vice and light a cigarette. I quit when I was pregnant with Hunter, but the stress of the separation brought the urges back. I'm aware that it's a filthy, disgusting habit, but one I only give in to when I'm highly frustrated or confused.
The smoke hangs in the cold air, mixing with my misty breath when I exhale. Even though Alcide didn't hesitate to get a girlfriend once he was convinced that nothing he could do would bring me back, I don't think I'm ready to have another man in my life. The two little ones sleeping inside are all that I can handle right now.
Alcide and I were together for over thirteen years, since a few months before I turned twenty-one. We were married almost three and a half years later. There was no question that we knew each other well by the time we took our vows.
Right after our honeymoon, his job was transferred over seven hundred miles away. I was depressed and homesick; it was harder than I thought it would be to be so far from my family. I know I was weepy and withdrawn for most of our first year and he lost patience with me frequently. Then, after our first anniversary, I was pregnant. That made the separation from my family even harder.
Somehow we managed to stick it out, and after AJ was born, things seemed to get better. Then Al got laid off. He found another job within a few months, but it was tight. Less than six months later, he was laid off again. He refused to come out of his resulting depression to watch AJ, so I had to find a way to cover daycare as well as our mortgage and all the other bills alone. We were on the verge of losing our house and he treated me so horribly during that time that I almost left multiple times. Almost. I refused to give up.
Then he found a job back home. Ten minutes away from my aunt and only an hour away from my parents! We found a townhouse convenient to his job. I was exceptionally luck and found a job of my own after only a few weeks of looking. Things were going well for us and we "celebrated" almost nightly. My company promoted me into the training department after about eight months and received a hefty pay raise as a result. Shortly after that windfall, everything went to shit.
Alcide got laid off again. Budget cuts affected his profession, no matter what part of the country we were in. His depression returned and his treatment of me (and now AJ) deteriorated as a result. I did everything I could to deflect the treatment of AJ, soothe him when I couldn't, and keep my own spirits as high as possible.
A month later, right before Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant again. With the state of mind that Al was in, I can't say I was thrilled by the news. Looking back clearly, that was when things started to shift.
My parents had liked my husband. They had plenty of time to tell me otherwise even before we married. Suddenly they were extremely critical of my grumpy, antisocial, unemployed husband. His mood became even worse. When we visited his parents for Christmas, I was at the height of my morning sickness (aka – 24-hour nausea). Al and AJ were coddled and spoiled while I was ignored. It didn't improve the situation.
Hunter was born in the middle of the summer and that little butterball with his baby-fine blond peach fuzz wrapped me around his little finger with the first blink of his bright blue eyes. He charmed everyone with his single dimple and gummy grins.
Since AJ was about to start kindergarten, Al decided to be a stay-at home dad. He said it would be best so we wouldn't have to pay for daycare for Hunter and after-school care for AJ. All he would have to do would get AJ on and off the bus, feed and play with Hunter, and keep the house tidy. It would certainly ease my load since I would be going back to work on second shift. My company was not very forgiving in regards to needing time off for sick babies; we also couldn't afford for me to take any avoidable time off. I agreed to him staying at home with the boys, but something has changed and broken between us with being treated like a doormat throughout my pregnancy and maternity leave.
Somehow we puttered along for almost three years like that. The weekend it shattered started normal. My parents took the boys for a weekend of spoiling and to give Al and me some "grown-up" time… something I really had no use or desire for any more. He asked me out to dinner (my dime, of course) and went out for the seafood I was inexplicably craving.
All it took was a look. My smiling glance at a little girl dancing in the dining room set him off. He started berating me, saying he always knew I wished Hunter had been a girl. That led to him calling me a bad mother because of the hours I worked. Never mind that those hours were what kept a roof over our heads and food on our table. The criticisms didn't stop. I didn't do enough to help him around the house, I didn't care about the boys, and I didn't give him sex when he wanted. Upset that he was doing this in public (unlike at home, where this was a regular occurrence), I accidentally spilled my wine onto his plate. He jumped up from the table and started screaming at me in front of everyone. I handed the waitress my card, apologizing for the fuss, and left as soon as the bill was paid.
I made the decision not to speak to him for the rest of the night, no matter how he tried to bait me. I'd had years of practice at tuning him out. Once home, I took the time to look around for the first time in months since I usually just went to bed when I got home and straight to work when I woke up. Piles of dirty laundry dotted the living room floor. Dust and old food sat in clumps by the kitchen cabinets. Dirty dishes overflowed the sink and moldy pans sat on the stove. He hadn't done a single thing in weeks! I couldn't believe he was allowing the boys to wallow in this… filth.
I didn't drop my silent treatment during my appraisal of the condition of our home. I didn't say a single word during his criticisms and insults. It infuriated him that I wouldn't respond. He ended up pushing me into our dresser so hard and so many times that I lost my breath and had drawer-pull shaped bruises across my back for a few weeks. I managed to lock him out by threatening to call 911 (silently - I dialed the number and showed it to him, implying that I would hit send if he touched me again) and packed a bag. I made sure I had enough clothes to last me at least a week and left, with Al crying on the couch, trying to say he was sorry. I drove to my parents' house and told them that I was done.
The past six months have been hard. I moved into a place of my own about two months ago, just me and the boys. The only person throughout everything to support me unconditionally… was Eric.
I slump to my butt on the cold concrete. I love Eric, but as a friend. That's all I can do right now. My kids still don't fully understand why Daddy and I don't live together anymore and why he has a girlfriend. I can't bring any more confusion into their lives. They are, and will always be, my first priority.
But…
I remember Eric pushing AJ on the swing at the park while I rested my beached-whale pregnant body on the grass and watched. In my mind, I see him giving Hunter a bottle so I can get a shower and nap. HE is the one that picked me up off the side of the road when my junker died. HE is the one that came with me to the townhouse to help me pack and move my things to storage in his truck. He's the ONLY one to listen to me groan, rage, and cry over everything without a bit of judgment.
The porch door creaks open and his shaggy blond head sticks out. "You okay? You've been out here for a while. It's starting to get lonely in there."
I look down and see several cigarette butts at my feet. I haven't chain smoked in years; no wonder my throat hurts. I nod and lean down to pick up the butts to toss in the trash before following him back inside.
A sip of beer and quick wash of my hands, and then I'm sitting back on the floor across from Eric. "Sorry for getting a little spooked. I needed some time to think." He nods and I continue. "We've been friends now for over four years. In that time, you've done more for me and supported me more than the man I married. And I never once thought of it as more than friendship. Am I blind or are you really that good at hiding things?"
He smiles and shakes his head. "It is all friendship. It always has been. You were pregnant when I met you, and thought, at the time, happily married. I never let myself feel more than that. But when you guys split, I wanted to be sure to be available for you… however you need me."
"Can you understand if I'm not ready for anything yet?" My heart has been battered for years and I need some healing time. "I don't want to lose you, but I need to lighten my own baggage before I can give anything to anyone besides my kids. Can you give me that time, or is it all or nothing?" I ask, truly scared that I'm going to lose my friend over this.
He comes to sit behind me on the floor and rubs my shoulders. "Sook, it's never all or nothing with me. If things stay just the way they are now, fine. You're an amazing friend – funny, smart, playful – and I'm lucky to have you in my life in any way. But I also know what that jackass put you through. I get that you need some time. If you decide that one day you want more… well, then I'll be even luckier."
I relax into his hands as he kneads my shoulders. All my worries about Al, Debbie, the boys, my in-laws, and everything else dissolve along with the tension I've been holding in my back. The next thing I know, Hunter is climbing into bed with me and the sun is streaming through my windows. I don't even remember falling asleep.
I snuggle with my boys when AJ joins us. I'm feeling a little clingy right now and want nothing more than a little affection from the boys that make my world go around. I have no doubt that when I'm ready to try again, I will have an amazing man by my side. The same one that's been behind me all along, pushing me and holding me up while the boys and I move on to a better and happier stage in our lives.
I Will Wait: Mumford and Sons
Well I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun
But I'll kneel down wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
So break my step
And relent
Well you forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess
'Cause I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
'Cause I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
AN: MissyDee is amazing. She helped convince me that this was worth posting. Hopefully others feel the same. Reviews are like crack and are truly inspirational. Please let me know your thoughts. I don't see a continuation anytime soon, but I'm not discounting it for the future. Thanks for reading.