One day, the cast of Final Fantasy Tactics was sitting in the Inn Between at Gariland. Ramza was sitting in the middle of all the other women. Reis and Rafa were to his right, and Agrias and Meliadoul were to his right. Malak, Beowulf and Mustadio were sitting across from them, scowling. No one cares where the hell everyone else is cuz they ain't important to the story. Yeah, that's right, Orlandu's not important. Yeah, bitch, he's not in this one.
"Hey shut the hell up," Meliadoul said. "Get the dang on with the story."
Right. Sorry. Anydangways, Ramza and some of the gang were sitting at the Inn Between drinking and having a few laughs. Drinking a lot.
"I'm slutty when I'm drunk," Rafa smirked, tossing her hair.
Stop interrupting! Damn girl. So, aw hell, it's been said it twice. Just take the hell over characters.
"Thanks narrator guy," Ramza replied, putting his arms behind Rafa and Agrias.
"Hello?" Meliadoul said, obviously very annoyed. "What about us? Reis and I would like some attention."
"Yeah," Reis said. "My boobs are totally bigger than Rafa's."
"Yeah, but you're engaged," Meliadoul said. "And mine are the same size as yours."
"Yeah, but I'm better in bed," Rafa said.
"No, you're a virgin," Agrias said. "You told me yourself."
"No I didn't," Rafa said nervously, looking around.
"Yes you did," Agrias said. "You remember, I was talking about how I took a vow of celibacy, and you said you had never had se-"
"Anyway," Rafa interrupted. "Let's talk about something else. Like how hot you are."
"Whore," Reis whispered.
"What did you call me!?" Rafa shrieked, jumping across the table and wrapping her hands around her neck.
"People, people, there's only one way to decide this," Mustadio said. "One show that can solve all your problems."
The Elimidate music starts up.
"Hi, my name is Ramza, and I'm twenty-five," Ramza said. "I enjoy killing people, meaningless sex, and making out a lot. I live here in Ivalice, and I'm looking for someone, well, someone who has breasts. Big ones. Huge ones. Giant whop-"
Shut up. Anyway, on with the show.
Ramza waited at the Inn Between.
"I decided to start the date at the Inn Between, since it's the only bar in town," Ramza said. "See what the girls are like, and if they're built, if you catch my drift."
"I like exotic men and the like, and I like my sex hot," Rafa narrated. "I'm Rafa and I need to lose my virginity."
Rafa walked up to Ramza and introduced herself.
"Ooo, small," Ramza commented to himself.
"Small what?" Rafa asked.
"Uh, hands," Ramza saved. "Small hands."
"Oh, okay," the ever naïve Rafa said.
"I like my sword, and well, that's it," Agrias narrated. "I'm
Agrias, and my sword is my one true love."
"Hi, I'm Agrias," Agrias said. "And if you make one comment about my chest, I'll kill you where you stand." Then she laughed and hugged him. Ramza was mortified.
"I like my sword, and my sword break abilities, and killing people with my sword," Meliadoul said. "I'm Mel, and I'm one crazy, jealous bitch."
"Hi-"
"No, no more girls," Ramza yelled. "No more with swords!"
"I like Dragons, and Hydras, and my fiancé Beowulf," Reis narrated. "I'm Reis and I'm engaged."
"No," Ramza said. "You stay the DAMN hell away from me."
Round 1
"I decided to start the date at the bar of the Inn Between," Ramza said. "I wanted to see if I could get the girls to talk and get those damn swords off. And maybe their shirts too."
Ramza and the girls went over to the bar and ordered a few drinks.
"I love this bar," Rafa said.
"I'm cutting all of you," Ramza said. "Can I do that? No!? Why the hell not? Aw damn."
"So what do you do?" Mel said.
"I'm cutting you."
"What?"
"You're off the game."
"No. Reis is."
"Fine," Ramza said. "But take her with you." He pointed at Mel.
"No," Rafa sniffed. "I'm cutting myself. You obviously don't care about me." She continued crying.
"No Rafa don't leave," Ramza cried after her. "These bitches are insane. Help me!"
Round 2
"I left Mel and Agrias in the armory to get some alone time with Reis," Ramza said.
"I'm married."
"No," Ramza said. "You can't be."
"Yes," Reis continued. "In the five minutes between Round 1 and Round 2."
"Aw damn," Ramza said. "Does this mean you'll get out of the game?"
"Afraid so," Reis said.
"No," Ramza said. "I don't trust the ones with the swords."
"Sorry," Reis said, and she left.
"Aw damn," Ramza said.
Round 3
"These bitches are crazy," Ramza said, quietly. "I need to get them away from those swords. And into a bikini."
Agrias was in a blue bikini and Mel a green one, and they still had their swords strapped to them.
"Aw damn," Ramza said. "You know what? I'm gay. This isn't working."
"Give me five minutes and I'll change your mind," Mel said.
"Ten."
"Okay."
Ramza and Mel ran off into up the Inn's stairs to get a room.
"Damn," Agrias said, but then Mustadio came up to her in a Speedo.
"May I join you?" he said to her, putting his hand on her shoulder.
"Hell, yes," Agrias said, making room for him. Ramza and Mel came down the stairs.
"That was like thirty seconds!" Mel screamed. "You promised me ten minutes."
"Get that damn sword away from me," Ramza yelled back.
"Hey, Malak," Beowulf asked. "How the hell are we in this story?"
"This I guess," Malak said. "Hey where's your wife?"
"Making out with Rafa," Beowulf said. "Wanna watch?"
"It's better than seeing Musty in that Speedo," Malak said.
THE END