My name is Emma, and I have never been Dauntless enough.
I grew up in the Dauntless compound, with my twin sister Rita. Today we left the compound and came here to the Hub for the Choosing Ceremony, where we will be expected to make our final decision of where to devote the rest of our lives. Faction before blood, they say.
Five bowls. Glass, lit coals, grey stones, water, earth. Candor, Dauntless, Abnegation, Erudite, Amity. The Candor are truthful, and I have been lying to everyone in my life far too long for truth to be an option anymore. Abnegation, too bland, and I am too selfish. The Erudite are too power-hungry, and all that's left is Dauntless and Amity.
The place of my birth, and the place I might belong.
According to Rita, Amity is a bunch of wishy-washy wimps.
Maybe so. In that case, I certainly belong with them.
My whole life, I have learned to hide my weakness, with black clothes and tattoo and a natural talent with throwing knives. I have learned to hide any sign that I am a coward. Because that is what I am.
Coward.
We believe in ordinary acts of bravery. In the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.
Maybe so, but now we also believe in brutality. In killing and destroying. The Dauntless flames no longer protect and warm, but they burn and consume.
I cannot be a part of a faction like that any longer.
I have made up my mind, to walk up to the bowls bravely, to take the knife from the Abnegation man bravely, to cut my hand bravely, and then to drop my blood onto the dirt bravely. I will be Dauntless until the very end. Until I transfer to Amity and I need never be brave again.
Rita's boyfriend, Finn, cuts his hand and fists it tightly. He takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut, those green eyes. He opens his eyes again and unclenches his hand, and his blood falls onto the coals with a hiss. Rita smiles.
Finn. He's another reason I need to leave.
I have shared everything of my life with Rita. Every single aspect of my life has always belonged to her as well. Except for Finn. I met Finn by chance, in the tattoo parlor when I got my very first tattoo. A single star behind my ear, because I wanted to be Dauntless, with tattoos and all, but I didn't want flames inked onto my body. Finn and I became best friends, and for a while there I was even closer to him than I was with Rita. He told me he loved me, but I just shook my head. "You don't actually love me," I said. "You just think you do."
I never introduced him to Rita, because I wanted at least one thing in my life that was just simply mine.
It didn't matter. They met anyway. They fell in love, started dating, and, well, I didn't realize I loved him until it was much too late.
I can't stay in Dauntless and watch him and Rita get married, have a family. I love them both, and I want them to be happy, but I am not Abnegation. I am not that selfless.
Inconclusive. My aptitude test results were inconclusive, and the Abnegation who administered my test told me to get out of Dauntless. To leave. Abnegation is safest for me now, she told me. I don't know why, but inconclusive is dangerous. In Dauntless, Candor, and Erudite. But I am not selfless. I cannot go to Abnegation.
Amity is the only place left.
The next thing I know, they are calling Rita's name, which means I am next. Rita squeezes my hand reassuringly, winks. "See you later, Em," she whispers, and walks up to the bowl. She takes the knife confidently, cuts her hand, and with barely a blink, thrusts her arm forward and her blood falls on the coals.
My sister is the perfect Dauntless.
Not like me.
"Emma Opaline."
I swallow hard, get up and walk to the bowls. Bravely. I take the knife, still with a bit of my sister's blood on it, run the blade across my palm. Bravely. I bite back a wince. Bravely. The blood beads in the shallow cut, and I take a gulp of air. I stare at the earth, the warm brown that should be comforting but is instead stained by other people's blood.
Indecisiveness attacks, and I question my earlier decision of Amity.
"Get out of Dauntless," I hear the Abnegation test administrator say, "It's not safe for you there." I know it's not safe, but then I look over to where Dauntless sits, a mass of black and flame and metal. My faction.
Finn's green eyes smile at me, and he nods. Rita looks at me impatiently. Since we are twins, I am so attuned to her that sometimes I can tell what she's thinking, or feeling at least. And right now, very clearly, she is asking me what's taking so long. Come on, she mouths. My mother and father sit expectantly, waiting for me to join them. Let's go, Emma, Rita mouths at me, beckoning for me to hurry up.
I know I shouldn't, but my arm jerks forward anyway, like it's disconnected from me. Helplessly, I think, Amity, but then my blood sizzles onto the coals and it's too late, and forever I am brave.
~OoO~
We thunder down the Hub stairs as one, and as Rita, Finn, and I sprint out onto the streets, for a moment I am glad I chose Dauntless.
The setting sun makes the buildings glow, silhouetted against red and orange. Flame colors; Dauntless colors.
We stampede to the trains. The three of us hop on easily, after years of doing so to get to school. The transfers aren't as lucky, and as one Erudite boy falls behind the train I find myself wishing I am with him.
I wish I am somewhere I don't have to pretend to be brave when I am not.
Someplace I don't have to worry about my inconclusive results; what they mean and what dangers they might pose.
A place that still adheres to its manifestos, the concepts it was founded on.
But I shake the feeling off and I talk and laugh loudly with Finn and Rita, like the Dauntless I should be. No, like the Dauntless I am. I have made my decision; I have upheld my family's expectations. At what cost to myself though, I do not yet know.
"There are always a few who don't make it," Rita is saying.
She's right. Dauntless initiation isn't easy, and at least one initiate, usually a transfer, never even makes it to the compound.
"Who do you think it'll be this year, Emma?" asks Finn.
I survey the transfers, who haven't grown up doing dangerous, insane things like we have. Their bodies are soft and weak, not yet toughened by the rigors of life in the compound. I catch sight of a grey jacket buttoned up to the collar. "The Stiff," I reply with hardly any hesitation.
Rita nods. "Her, and the Amity boy. Those never last long."
I stiffen. Amity almost became my faction. In fact, it probably still is the safest place for me. The train speeds along, and I am terrified. What does it mean, that my test results were inconclusive? Why is it so dangerous here in Dauntless for me now? But I push the thoughts away. It's too late to change anything now.
About half an hour later, the train begins slowing down as it nears a rooftop. The Dauntless in the first few cars begin leaping off onto the roof, and Rita grins. She always was good with trains. The transfers begin hyperventilating and the Amity boy refuses to jump. So Rita was right. He won't be passing Dauntless initiation.
As we near the compound-my home-I begin to wonder if this really is my faction. If I really do belong here.
Rita and Finn jump to the roof easily, hands linked, and then the Stiff and her Candor friend leap over too. Guess I was wrong about her.
I shut my eyes, envision life as an Amity. Safe, peaceful.
No. My eyes fly open.
I am Dauntless. Maybe we're not perfect, but we believe that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather action in the face of it. We believe in honor, that a brave man acknowledges the strength of others. We believe in strength, the kind defined not by physical power but by the perseverance of a person's heart and mind. We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.
I believe in my family, in their love and protection. I believe in it-them-enough to sacrifice my safety, my inconclusive test results. I believe in courage, in honor, in strength. In ordinary acts of bravery. I believe.
And then I jump.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this (: Loved it, hated it, leave me a review please and I'll love you forever (: