Chapter I – On the Road

DUMDUM, DUMDUMDEEDEEDUM!

Our skirt-clad hero was trekking through a thick forest, catchy theme music on his heels.

DUMDUMDEEDEEDUM, DUMDUMDUMDUMDUM, DEEDUM!

A nerve twitched above the swordsman's brow.

DUMDUDUDEEDUM, DUMDUMDUDUDEEDUM!

He started to unsheathe his blade,

DUMDUMDUDUDEE.. . . AHHHH! ME LEG!

The little man stalking our hero finally stopped playing the music from his flute to examine his missing limb. Link grinned as he walked along, the decrepit man screaming and rolling on the blood drenched soil.

"What was that for?!? You don't just kill random folk! I start blinking and make that really annoying noise if they're an enemy, remember?" "How can I forget?" Link thought. At every god-forsaken animal and plant Navi always poked his glowy little body out and kept poking him until he pressed up C. It was a miracle Link kept him around. The Hyrulian yanked out his trusty map.

"So if we go up here, then turn left, defeat the giant evil fiend, walk a couple more miles, and nab the really rare shiny thing, we should be home before dark." Link mumbled.

"And if we shut up, knock some heads, use some bomb-chus, and have a rodeo on a dondongo, maybe we can actually get some action, OOH YEAH!" Navi replied. "It also wouldn't help to change your clothes. You're wearing a damn skirt. Zelda would have given you more than a little blue flute. OOH YEAH!"

"For the last time, it's a kilt not a skirt." Link stated, walking slightly faster. "And besides, I don't have time for games, I have to get home quickly."

"Oh yea, Saria had some work for you to do. I hope it's WORK, not work. OOH YEAH!"

"Shut the hell up, Navi. You want me to wack some heads? Yours will be the first to go." Link threatened.

"The joke's on you buddy, I DON'T HAVE A HEAD! OOH YEAH!"

"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

"Well, we made it." Link said triumphantly. "We're home."

"I smell something. . . could it be?!?"

"What? Is it the scent of death in the air? Then I must. . ."

"No." Navi replied flatly. "The kegs finally arrived. Time to party!" OOH YEAH! Wait. . . What's that sound?"

Link listened closely. His giant elf ears picked some type of beat. A rhythmic beat. War music? No, it wasn't like that. Oh no. Party Boy music. Some things never change. Navi flew down the hill, screaming.

"OOH YEAH! PARTY IN THE HIS-OWNCE! LET'S GET JIGGY WITH IT! OOH YEAH!"

"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

"Uhhhh....... My head......" Link grumbled. "What...... what happened?" He rolled over on his bed, only to see Saria. "What the. . .?!? OH MY GOD! NAVI!!!!"

"Stop screaming! Your faerie has a hangover. What's the matter?" Navi mumbled, slowly hovering over 8 Coronas. The firefly wanna-be slowly looked from Link, to Saria, than back to Link.

"Hmmm..." The flying glowball thought. "Wait... does this mean... OOH YEAH! NICE JOB LINK! THAT DESERVES A HEART PIECE! OOH YEAH!"

Saria slowly woke up. "Wh...What happened?"

"Yeah Link, what happened?" Navi asked in an amused tone.

""One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

"Link, do you want to tackle this quest?" The elder asked.

"Hmm." Link grunted, his usual response to everything.

"Link is good at tackling things, OOH YEAH!" Navi interrupted.

"Anyway Link. These are the items you must recover from the sacred temples." The crusty man said as he handed Link a slip of parchment.

"Eggs, milk, butter, and the Gauntlet of Time. Great, a shopping list." Link thought.

"You have fourteen moons time. Others have been sent from various villages to get the same items. You must retrieve them first, or else the Pastry of Apocalyptic Doom can never form, understood?"

"Hmm." Our hero grunted again, wondering why he got into this business in the first place.

"Link is good at GETTING SOME, right?" Navi said, interrupting his thoughts.

"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."