A/N: A gift fic for quakerhobbit on tumblr, as part of my 500-follower giveaway.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. If I did, Sam would get a ton more screen time, meaningful relationships with other characters, and Jess. Jess would come back.
But that is neither here nor there, so please, sit back and enjoy!
It takes weeks of looking, but he finally finds it - the ring that screams Jess at him.
… And it's in platinum.
Great.
Sam drops his head in his hands when he's sitting outside the store and groans. There's no way he can afford it - though, if he's being honest, it's not like he can afford a normal silver ring, either.
Platinum.
Okay.
So that will probably put him in debt for… at least a couple years, he'll definitely have to get a job during law school. And that's on top of the actual loans for law school to begin with…
An image of Jess laughing, her eyes crinkling and her hair floating around her like a halo flashes through his mind and his decision's made - a lifetime of debt is nothing compared to a lifetime with the most amazing woman on Earth.
Two days later, he hands his credit card to a smiling attendant and buys the ring.
The ring's in his fist as he looks down at Jess' grave, a black hole where his heart should be and a rock lodged firmly in his throat.
He plans to leave it with her, where it belongs (though not on her hand, not anymore, ashes can't hold a ring)
But when he kneels down to put down his bouquet, his other hand won't open.
He can't let it go, he has to let it go.
It's Jess', it belongs with her, he bought it for her, why didn't he give it to her sooner, it's all he has left of her -
It's all he has left of her.
Sam's fist tightens around the small circle of metal and diamond in his hand and then Dean's calling him and he stands, taking the ring with him.
He threads one of Jessica's necklaces that survived the fire through it and hangs it around his neck, hiding it under his shirt, because it's so very private.
(He doesn't know what he'll do if Dean glimpses the necklace and laughs at it for being so girly)
The first time he takes off the necklace is when he meets Madison.
It's not because he feels like he's betraying Jess (it's actually surprising how much it doesn't feel like a betrayal) but because it doesn't feel quite like his anchor anymore, but more like a remembrance, a lover's token, a treasure.
For a moment, he feels like he can breathe again, and maybe he can have something good again.
He hopes Jess is smiling down on him from Heaven.
The ring stays in his pocket after that, because he's grieving for Madison, because he's grieving for Jess again, because he dies, because he has to find a way to break Dean's deal.
He wraps his fist around it and draws strength from it, but Stanford feels so very far away.
(Please don't leave me, Jess, he cries in his dreams)
The ring gets relegated to his duffel this first time Ruby kisses him after Dean dies.
This time it does feel like a betrayal, because Ruby's a demon, because she's everything he shouldn't trust, despite the fact that she's proven herself trustworthy. It's messy and complicated and he doesn't want to stain the purity of what he had with Jess with everything that's twisted up inside him now.
The first time Ruby feeds him her blood, some of it drips onto his chest and he's so, so glad in the depths of his core that Jess' ring isn't there.
He feels a phantom weight around his neck, though, feels something missingright under the dip of his collarbones (Dean's amulet hangs much lower)
And Dean comes back and his life spirals out of control and the Apocalypse happens and -
It's a good thing the ring is hidden away. He can't damn it and what it represents the way he's damned himself.
Sam wears the necklace the day after he finds out he's Lucifer's vessel, his hands clasped tightly around the ring like a prayer.
He shouldn't, he doesn't deserve to, he's breaking his own vow not to taint it, but he saw Jess yesterday night (Lucifer, it was Lucifer, he had to remember that, has to remember that feeling her touch, wrapping his fingers around hers was just a lie) and 'I was dead from the moment we said hello' is ringing in his ears. He needs it in a way he hasn't since the fire, needs it like an anchor, grounding him, keeping him real, keeping him sane.
(For the first time since he started looking, he wonders if Jess would have actually said yes)
He falls asleep with it on, and when Lucifer appears again, wearing Jess and talking to him in her gentle, honey voice, he instinctively grabs onto it -
- And Lucifer disappears.
Sam stares.
He lets go of the ring and his room remains empty, remains free of Lucifer. Jess' ring is warm against his chest, comforting him, as if it belongs there.
(Does it?)
He wonders if maybe Jess is still watching over him, if maybe she still loves him despite all his sins.
(Does a monster like him deserve to be loved?)
The night before he jumps, he splits the seam of his jacket and sews two small pockets on the inside, between layers. It's his last night on Earth, he might as well do something productive.
In one pocket puts Dean's amulet, leather cord wrapped around the bronze pendant. He's had it with him from the moment Dean dropped it in the trash, and he doesn't really know why he kept it. Dean can barely look at him, even now (he doesn't even know where Dean is, he's spending his last night on Earth alone) and it's just another thing he's ruined. He stares at it a moment longer and sews the pocket closed.
In the other pocket, he puts Jess' ring, fingers lingering over the metal, still warm from his body.
(If he tries hard enough, he can pretend the warmth is from being on Jess' finger)
In some ways, this is so much harder, because he's dragging a piece of Jess into the Cage with him. Nothing tied to Jess (belonging to Jess, it will always be hers even if she never wore it) deserves to feel the fires of Hell.
But the amulet and the ring are the only two things of worth he has. And he he knows that if he actually died, they are what would allow him to hang on as a spirit.
For this to work, he has to remove the stain of Sam Winchester from the Earth completely.
Sam stitches up the second pocket and waits for the end.
(And maybe, somewhere in the back of his mind, he's hoping that Jess can protect him from Lucifer one last time)
A few weeks after getting out of the Cage, his cash is running dry, and he's neck-deep in a hunt. He should probably go hustle some pool, but he's also tracking down leads on who could have resurrected him. He's long since stopped praying (begging) for Cas to help him.
Besides, hustling pool isn't going to help him with finding a good car, restocking his weapons supply, or his medical kit and the miscellaneous herbs and charms he's already picked up along the way. He needs a good chunk of actual money, and he really doesn't feel like robbing a bank.
Yet.
He collapses back on his bed with a sigh and winces slightly as his jacket bunches up into a hard knot under his hip. He shifts, readjusting his jacket and feeling the hard edges of the ring sealed in -
- Wait.
Sam sits up again. He has an intricately wrought platinum ring with a glittering 1-karat diamond in his possession. It had cost him over five grand the first time around, and with the current rates of inflation and metal value…
He reaches for his laptop. His fingers hesitate over he keys for a moment, remembering how long he kept the ring, how he clung to it to remind himself of Jess. But Jess is dead an resting in Heaven, and she can't use it. His memories of Jess are all perfectly intact, he doesn't need a physical token to remember her.
Two days later, he has enough money to buy a used Dodge Charger and a Sig Sauer P226, and he moves on to his next hunt.
A/N: Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Please, let me know!
If anything in here stirs the need for discussion in you, shoot me a message. You can also find more of my thoughts on Sam Winchester under my 'Sam Winchester' tag.
You can find more of my thoughts on Sam/Jess under my 'oh take me back to the start' tag.