Director's Cut: This story is a satire of what I feel is wrong with the last two to three years of comic book storytelling, focusing mostly on Gambit and Rogue and their recent characterizations. I feel like these two characters have had the life wrung out of them, and I am parodying several story lines here. This story is very self-aware. It's very silly. I've also taken a lot of ideas and dialogue straight from my everyday life, so it's not all completely nonsense. (Or is it?)

This story takes place near the beginning of Wolverine & The X-Men and X-Men Legacy #260. It contains some adult language and suggestive sexual situations.

TEASER

COLD OPEN:

INT. X-BRIG CELL, UTOPIA – NIGHT

EXODUS was confined to a cell deep within the bowels of the island Utopia, which served as a place of residence for half of the formerly united X-Men. Exodus did very little other than to ruminate on the current mutant state of affairs (i.e. the impending doom of all mutantdom), and meditate (freeing his mind of all distraction, so that he might continue to ruminate). Exodus had lived a very, very long life and was content to sit silently in place biding his time. Inevitably, he would be freed and rise up once more to serve as prophet and protector of all mutantkind. He needed to be prepared for his future as sovereign and he was using his incarceration as an opportunity to think.

The cell was dimly lit and empty save for a cot, a sink, and a toilet. Exodus was pleased with the accommodations as they did not lend themselves to distraction. The first thing he would do as mutant messiah would be to do away with all forms of mind-addling distractions for his superior race; no more television, internet, or other electronic gadgetry, and he would eliminate the foolish minstrels and their "rock music." Furthermore, he would personally find and assassinate this Mark Zuckerberg person for making the insidious so-called social network a reality.

Exodus could not say how long he sat silently and stone-still as time was of little consequence to one as long-lived and powerful as he. If he had been keeping track however, he would have known that several weeks had passed since he had engaged and been defeated in combat by the X-Men.* Despite all this time, Exodus felt he was rudely interrupted when a golden glowing rectangle of light slid open before him, much like a magical McDonald's drive-thru window.

The face that appeared in the window could only loosely be described as a face, in that it had two eyes (bulbous, huge eyes that looked like two hardboiled eggs), a nose (long and pointy), and a mouth (fleshy lips pulled back in a rictus grin over numerous long, narrow teeth). It was the face of a monster; its skin the color and texture of Swiss cheese that had been left on the counter too long. And its voice, when it spoke, was high, mewling, saccharin-sweet and grated on the ears. Nails on a chalkboard could be said to be more melodious.

"Ex-O-Dussss...!" the monster said, propping his skinny elbow into the window and leaning one of his many chins on his fist. "Why, look at you! What a predicament!"

Exodus looked at the monster and his perpetual frown deepened. "MOJO," he answered. "Your presence is unwelcome."

"I'm sorry!" said MoJo, sounding not the least bit sorry. "Are you terribly busy? You're not an easy man to get ahold of, I must say. I know! I'll have my people call your people and we can arrange a time that's more convenient for you!"

Exodus' eyes narrowed. "One day, when my people have united and risen up to their rightful station, we will destroy your hedonistic society and rid the universe of your disgusting presence."

MoJo leaned back from the window with an expression of mock incredulity. "Is that any way to talk to the person who granted you your freedom?" MoJo's voice suddenly changed from sweet to a sharp threatening growl: "We had a deal.*"

"I am a man of my word," Exodus informed him. "And I will honor my agreements with those who have honor. A quality you lack."

MoJo pressed his overlong fingers into the sides of his fat face. "But you wound me, Exo. Now you lissen here, and lissen good...you want to remain in a cell? Fine. But you owe me. And if you're not going to jump at this opportunity and thank me on bended knee, then you can rot in a Murderworld cell. And I can tell you now, it'll be a whole hellava lot more entertaining than the cell you enjoy now."

"If you think I will serve in one of your asinine competitions for the amusement of your television viewers, you are mistaken," Exodus informed him.

"You! Bah!" MoJo exclaimed. "No one wants to watch a program about you! You've got the personality of a bag of burned hair!"

Exodus ground his teeth. "Then what is it you propose?"

"I need someone with star power! Someone with verve...with zazz!" MoJo said.

"Zazz," Exodus repeated.

MoJo flung out his bony arms. "That's right! And I want you to be my talent agent! Find me someone with all the qualities of this superstar, and consider our bargain fulfilled!" MoJo flourished a glossy headshot of a blond-haired man with a winning smile and twinkling eyes. It was signed with a flourish in black Sharpie marker: With Love, From Longshot!, and then was followed with a series of Xs and Os.

Exodus accepted the photograph and regarded it silently for a moment. "And how shall I acquire your star from the confines of this cell?"

"Details! I'm in 'em! Don't worry about that, Exo ole pal. I'll have you outta here in a jiff. And since this is the second time, twice now-," MoJo held up two overlong many-jointed fingers, "that I have granted you a chance at freedom...I'm gonna need two, count 'em: two, stars!"

Exodus' eyes returned to the bulbous heap that constituted as MoJo's head. "Should the second star also have...zazz?"

"You bet your shiny red ass she should!" MoJo declared. "Make sure she's got nice big ones too," he added with a descriptive gesture.

Exodus continued to frown impassively. "You intend for me to seek out a woman?"

"That's riiiiight!" MoJo trilled. "A woman fitting of a leading man! This is going to be a lurve story!"

"This sounds ridiculous," Exodus told him. "A useless waste of resources; time, energy, thought. One might be better served banging one's head against a concrete wall."

"You are soooo boring," MoJo said with an exaggerated yawn. "Here, take these."

MoJo held out his arm through the window. Exodus reluctantly extended his arm and MoJo dropped three gold coins into his outstretched palm.

"What are these?" Exodus examined the coins.

"Transport coins. Just click my shining face and a portal will open. One for each new star!" MoJo explained delightedly.

"But there are three," Exodus said.

"Clever man!" MoJo replied condescendingly. "Yes...three! Because what kind of lurve story would it be without another lurve interest! A lurve triangle! Get me three stars and then it will me that owes you!"

Exodus considered the coins in his palm. Each coin featured MoJo's bulbous head in profile. It wasn't his best side.

"That sounds imbecilic," Exodus told him.

"What do you know?" MoJo challenged. "I know what I'm doing! People lurve lurve triangles! Why do you think we keep doing it over and over and over again!"

"Because you pander to the lowest common denominator and underestimate your viewers' intelligence," Exodus informed him. "And ignore their desire for logical progression of fulfilling plot lines."

"I'll have you know American Idol will start it's twelfth season soon."

"You have made your point. Very well," Exodus said. "Release me from this cell, and I will deliver you your zazz."

"Excellent!" MoJo said.

A voice from somewhere behind MoJo spoke: "Mr. Quesada, you're expected at the ComicCon panel in fifteen minutes."

"Augh," MoJoe said disgustedly. "Bunch of fanboy whiners. They wouldn't know a decent story line if it bit 'em in their asses!" With that, MoJoe disappeared, leaving Exodus alone in his cell once more. Exodus carefully folded himself into Lotus position and continued to bide his time.

"Soon," he told himself. It was unfortunate that three mutants would have to be sacrificed to MoJo's Murderworld, but it was all for a good cause. Exodus would then be free lead his people from a world of banal distraction and into the light of a new dawn.

FADE OUT

END TEASER

*see X-Men: Legacy #262
*see Uncanny X-Men #460-461