Title: Everything and Nothing
Author: Naria Lacour de Fanel (originally posted on )
Rating: PG-ish
Pairing: Zabuza + Haku
Warnings: Shounen-ai, my friends! Shounen-ai. If you know not what this doth mean…you'll find out! :D Erm…angst? Perhaps a teeny bit OOC-ness, but that's to be expected from a fanfic, ne?
Disclaimer: If I owned this lovely universe, then Haku and Zabuza would have lived and the manga would be about THEIR adventures…and Sakura would be dead. Very dead.
Author's Note: Alrighty, this is an earlier time in the lives of Zabuza and Haku. You can see it three ways: 1.) Since the manga doesn't make it really clear, Haku has not become a true "shinobi" yet. Meaning he's never killed on a mission. They hint at that a lot… 2.) Zabuza has been taking care of all the kills up until now because he's Zabuza (Doot-doooo-doo-doo-doot). 3.) Haku is still young (not THAT young, though) and is used more for support than a killing machine. Think about it, he can make it SEEM like people are dead, but they don't have to be…What if Haku's every enemy wound up like Sasuke did after their fight? It'd make you more friends than enemies…Ne? I have a whole host of theories how these perceptions could be true…
Okay, I lied…You can see it a fourth way. Haku hasn't killed on a misson yet because the author of this fic said so. The end.
I LOVE the Haku! I love him GOOD!! :3
Also, the manga is WAY different from the anime (like lack o' details andthestupidthree+seasonsoffillercrap!). And this is predominantly based on the manga! Manga-verse RULES!! WOOT!
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
// I, by myself, am nothing.
But I with another…
I have become something.//
He has given everything to me.
He is everything to me.
He is more to me than the people I once loved. Less than a friend, but more than what I deserve.
He let me live. He gave me purpose in a world where I was unwanted, and I am ever grateful for that. I would be dead, if not for him.
No doubt.
No question.
The people of my village would have gladly crushed the weak child that I was for the sake of their safety. Afterall, a child who killed his own father is to be feared. I can't blame them, I am a monstrosity. They would have only done what was needed to protect those they love. I understand that better than most. I am dangerous. It is in my blood to be a weapon, a danger, a killer perhaps… my mother's everlasting gift to me.
I loved her so much... I still love her, and somehow that affection hasn't faded over the years. Perhaps because while she was alive, I had my own world, a life, a palpable heart and soul. I had the typical happiness and curiosity and sadness of any normal child. With her, I was living in a dream. A beautiful dream free from fear and pain. I thank her for giving me a sense of morality, though I think she would be saddened now to see what has become of her son. I am not ashamed, but I know she wanted a much softer and kinder life for me…and for herself.
The ice that literally runs through my veins because of her serves me well. It saved me from my father who, ironically, wanted to kill me because of it. He loved us until he found out about the secret of our blood… He was like those villagers in his fear, but love was replaced with irrational hate. There was no one to protect. There is nothing understandable or just in that. He killed her and tried to kill me. So, he destroyed the world I had and cast me into darkness and fear for the first time in my young life. But I loved him, too. I loved him even as I killed him. The ice in my veins would not allow me to die like my mother had…But, I haven't killed since. I haven't felt the need to, nor has it been asked of me.
What is the reason for wasting a life? Who am I to take away a person's chance to dream? What would have come to pass if the person had lived? I never understood, not even when I killed my father. I cried. I was so sad. I didn't want to, but I did not want to die either.
My way of thinking has changed a lot.
All because of Zabuza.
I would kill for him. I would die for him. I will do anything to protect and serve him because he saved me.
Because he has the same eyes as me.
So sad.
So lonely.
And so empty.
Just like mine.
Just like me.
He saw fit to hone my special skills. He saw fit to train me, to use me. He is the only one to see something good in what I am.
Of course, he has my unyielding loyalty. I am his tool, his puppet, whatever he needs and wants me to be. I am not loyal for loyalty's sake, but for the sake of Zabuza. For the years he's given me, for the life he's made for me, for the dreams he carries unflinchingly. I do not question him because he has given me no reason to doubt him.
I enjoy the life he's given me. I look forward to our missons together, our training, his praise and respect. It makes it all worthwhile and rewarding. To me, Zabuza was a gift from someone greater than the both of us.
I am not disillusioned. I know I am merely a tool for him to use. But he takes good care of his weapons, even me. I don't want or expect anything else. I am content being what I am to him. But I hope I can be useful to him for as long as I can serve him. My only hope is that if I die, I die for him, my important person. Anything else would be devastating.
I want him to reach his dream. I want this kind man, who seems so harsh and demanding, to have what he wants. He took an unwanted and feared child and gave him a chance at life. There is nothing more noble to me. There is no greater cause I would rather serve, it is my duty and honor to serve him. So, when he calls to me I go.
"Haku," he calls, his deep voice demanding respect.
"Hai," I call with a smile.
He fills me in on my next mission. It is simple enough and well within my abilities to take care of quietly. But, his voice seems to gain an edge as he tells me that simply incapacitating the target is not an option.
Elimination is the only way.
I nod in compliance and bow to take my leave. However, as I turn to leave, his firm hand falls on my shoulder stopping me.
"Haku," his commanding voice growls. "You can't fail."
I turn and smile at him, bowing again.
"Of course, Zabuza-san."
He raises an eyebrow and gets a uncharacteristic contemplative look in his eyes.
"I'm telling you to kill."
"Hai," I nod, still smiling.
"You'll still do as I say without hesitation?"
"Hai."
"Why?" he asks, his voice very soft. He sounds confused, not his normally aggressive self. I just keep smiling.
"Because it is Zabuza-san who is telling me to do it," I answer honestly.
"And if I ordered you to kill yourself, you'd do it?" he growls threateningly.
"Iie," I smirk, trying not to laugh.
"Why not?" he asks, his tone very serious.
"Because Zabuza-san wouldn't do that," I giggle lightly, though my answer is honest. This is a silly question to me, but if he wants assurance, I'll give it to him.
"What makes you say that?" he sniffs impatiently. I've never seen him show so much emotion before…I stop myself from giggling again and give him an assuring smile.
"Because you would not waste my life like that, not when I can still be of use to you," I answer calmly. He seems to relax a fraction as his hard features soften for a moment.
He's smiling, too.
"You know me too well, Haku," he mumbles, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"No, I just trust Zabuza-san," I answer, looking into his eyes earnestly. His features harden again as his eyes narrow.
"And me using you makes you happy?" he implores, his eyes swimming with an emotion I've never seen. I keep my eye contact and smile brighter.
"Hai."
He searches my eyes for something, but apparently doesn't find what he's looking for as he lets go of me.
"We've wasted enough time," he growls as he walks away. "Go prepare."
And he leaves.
___________________________________
The mission was successful. The target was dispatched, but it wasn't me who dealt the final blow. Zabuza-san decided he wanted the kill instead. I am not one to go against his wishes, but that does not mean I am not troubled by it. Just as I was about to strike, Zabuza's great sword cut the man's head cleanly off…it was as if he had been next to me the entire time. I did not sense him approach but, then again, I do not see my savior as a potential threat. He did not say a word, but killed the man in his sleep as planned and completed the mission.
He still has not said anything to me.
Why did he stop me? Why did he take that opportunity away from me?
I can't help but run these thoughts through my head.
Did he think I would not be able to? I have not killed on a mission before, but I am more than capable of doing it. I don't want to kill, but it was an order. If Zabuza wants me to kill, I will kill without hesitation…And he stopped me.
Did he think I wouldn't follow through? Did he think I would fail?
I have given him no reason to question my abilities. I have given him no reason to question my loyalty…have I? Did I make his trust in me waver somehow?
Have I failed him by not killing in the past?
If he thinks I cannot kill…If I can't kill…I'm not useful?
If he thinks I am no longer useful…
…will he no longer need me?
No! That's what I fear the most! If I am no longer useful to Zabuza-sama, I am nothing. I will have no purpose! No reason to be…No! I can't think this way! There has to be another reason! This terror freezing my body is nothing! Nothing! I must not doubt him! I must not question him! He did what he thought was necessary.
But my heart hurts so much! It's pounding and pounding in my ears! This is fear. I have not known fear in so long…and it hurts! I have to think properly, but it's so hard to fight the intense waves of irrational fear that sweep over everything else! I feel so helpless…So sudden and so unexpected! What can I do?!
Calm! Calm down!
I take deep breaths, and it's only then that I notice I've been panting. I hum a meditation chant to myself and I feel my heart dislodge from my throat…I feel the tension melt from my stiff muscles, but my eyes sting horribly and my heart still aches…
I could be wrong, I surmise. I could just be reading into this too deeply and drawing wrong conclusions…I trust him!
It's myself I don't trust…Yes. That's it. If I have failed him, it is my own fault and I must fix it. But I have to ask him where I have failed. That way I can stay useful to him.
That way, I can continue to stay by his side.
________________________________________________________
"Zabuza-san," I approach him, bowing respectfully. He glances my way briefly to acknowledge me and returns to cleaning his weapons.
I knew what I needed to say, but saying it was more difficult than I had imagined…How was I supposed to ask the most important person in my life if I had failed him? I could just directly ask…but…
"What is it, Haku?" he growls at me, obviously annoyed that I had ignored him. I feel my face flush with shame and I bow even deeper. This isn't making it any easier…
"I- I just wanted to ask you about the last mission, if I am allowed to…" I nervously ask, eyes on the ground. I hear him snort with disapproval.
"Tch! Look me in the face if you're going to talk to me," he growls impatiently. I jump at the tone and straighten up immediately. Why am I so flustered? I scold myself and force myself to calm down, but it is hard to choke down the nervousness and sadness that are taking over my senses.
"I want to know if I have failed you, Zabuza-san. You ordered me to kill our target, and I did not. I want to know if I have given you reason to doubt my abilities," I grate out slowly. It is hard to talk. I feel like I'm choking on my own emotions, jumping from fear to sadness all at once. "I do not want to dissapoint Zabuza-san…"
I feel tears of shame and frustration building behind my eyes…It burns, like my throat does. My whole body aches with tension. I am almost sick with stress at his answer. Will he tell me to leave? Will he call me a failure and regret ever having dealt with me? Will he call me useless and a burden? I want to ask…I want to relieve the ache and stress…I want to cry. But I cannot let it show, I am his tool, I am his shinobi. Shinobi do not show their tears. Then again, true shinobi also take lives…
I bow again to keep my face hidden from his judgement. Any weakness now will only make him disapprove of me more. If he cannot see my face, then he cannot see the pain there either. I know I am a failure now…just for having to do this.
"I-I will do anything you ask, Zabuza-san," I choke out, still suppressing my emotions. "I will do anything to fix what I have done to make you doubt me."
I want to ask him to let me stay. I want to beg and plead for my life. If he casts me away now, I will die. I will have nothing. I don't want to be apart from Zabuza…I do not want him to reach his dream without me there for him. I want to live for him…
But if he does not want me, then there is nothing to be done…
"I wanted the kill," he growls at me. His voice is venomous and threatening. "I wanted to kill that bastard with my own hands. He deserved a worse death than what you would have given him."
Those words stab into me more effectively than Zabuza's own sword could have, and my trembling ceases as cold realization freezes my body. I can't stop my breath from hitching in my throat…
"Ha-Hai," I stammer out, my blood frozen with dread. I want to speak more, but my voice is just not there anymore. I can't stop the awful feelings of fear from gripping my fragile heart and tearing it to shreds. I still hold back the tears, but my lungs feel like they're being crushed…along with my suffering heart.
I have failed him.
It feels like I'm dying. And if I'm not, I should be.
"You're too kind, Haku," Zabuza continues, his voice less sharp, vaguely comforting… "That sorry excuse for a human being didn't deserve your kindness. He needed an ugly, messy death to make our message clear."
Kind? Kindness makes me weak? I wouldn't have been good enough. I'm not enough…
"Go-gomen nasai," I somehow choke out.
"Haku!" he barks. For the first time in my life, I flinch at the sound of his voice! I know I can't keep the fear and anxiety out of my eyes as I look at him, like a frightened rabbit facing death in the eyes of a predator. I can't say anything. I can't think beyond the fact that I was not good enough, that I failed, and that I might be cast away because of it.
"You did nothing wrong. You have not failed me in any way," he growls deeply, his voice gentle as if holding back. I can see his kindness in his eyes, even as they hold so much tension. He stares at me for a long time with those intense eyes, and I hold his gaze. "I still need you, Haku," he says with conviction.
And he gives me life.
When he speaks those words, those wonderful freeing words, I can breathe again. The fear that had taken over my soul begins to slowly melt away along with the numbness that held me. Feeling creeps into my trembling body as I gasp for more air. I can't help but smile, though it hurts. He looks at me questioningly and shakes his head slightly.
"Arigato gozaimasu, Zabuza-san…" I whisper with a bow, my voice hoarse and weak with relief. Again, he says nothing, but it is everything as I feel his firm hand pat me lightly on the head. I watch his feet walk away from behind my trailing bangs as I finally let my tears fall.
___________________________________________
Years have passed since that one terrifying experience. I have finally killed in the name of my savior, casting off what little innocence I had left. I had to, for him to live. I don't regret it. Nor have I regretted every kill since. I never will, not when his life or dream is on the line. I understand now what it is to be a shinobi. Death is not personal, it is a fact, a cold cruel fact that does not hurt me anymore. I had thought that granting death on another would hurt me, but I find that in the shadow of Zabuza, one life is nothing. Killing is nothing to me anymore, and I have not changed because of it.
But Zabuza became less and less kind with each kill. He has not treated me with malice or cruelty, but the absence of those hidden smiles and his harsh laughter has been felt.
He became more distant…
I don't understand it, but Zabuza-san does not tell me to leave…And I wonder. I ponder. I feel fear again. It is not as all consuming as before, because I know I have not failed him. I can't fail him any longer as his tool. I have been honed, perfected…And yet this fear will not go away. I am also not intimidated by him any longer. In the time before, his intense eyes have always cowed me…But now, he is just Zabuza. He is nothing to be feared, though he could kill me on a whim. He is to be respected and followed, but not feared. I have never wished to stand against him, but I feel that I can if I wanted to. I would definitely lose, but it seems my will is my own now, somehow. Perhaps because I have finally stepped over that boundary? Was there a boundary I was unaware of? Because, I never felt this way until I finally killed in Zabuza's name. I not only killed, I killed to protect him…
Has that made me arrogant? Zabuza need protecting? How could I ever think that?
But…I did. I protected him while he was down. I killed in order to save him. And that made it easier to kill others. It gave me drive and confidence that I had never known. I have grown arrogant. I have allowed this to disillusion me, past being a tool to being a protector. Zabuza-san would never forgive that…
I must know…I must know what I have done.
"Zabuza-san?" I question as I approach his turned back, an echo of that vulnerable voice I held years ago in my words.
He glances over his shoulder, acknowledging my presence. This feels too similar to a different time and place. But, instead of being halted by my own fear, I am able to look him in the eye without him prompting me.
"Forgive me," I say firmly, bowing with reverence to the man before me. I see a glint of something malicious in his eyes before he snorts indifferently and turns back to the kunai at his feet.
"What for this time, Haku?" he growls out, almost impatiently.
"My ability to take life has made me arrogant," I murmur easily, cutting to the quick. Somehow, the butterflies I felt all those years ago seem frivolous and stupid. How could I have ever feared this man?
He turns around, quirking an eyebrow.
"Obviously," he snorts derisively, eyes flashing with anger. "Pretty big of you to say something so…egotistical."
I feel my breath catch in my throat at his displeased look. Ah, now I remember why…
"Hai, Zabuza-san. That is why I am apologizing," I whisper, humbled by his harsh words. My body bows in submissiveness before I can stop it. I hear him groan.
"There's nothing to apologize for," he mumbles awkwardly.
"I mean no disrespect, Zabuza-san, but, my behavior has displeased you. I thought it was because of my unfounded confidence in my abilities. Gomen nasai."
"Your confidence is not groundless, Haku. You've worked hard to be useful to me. You should be proud," he says firmly, crushing all doubt I had in myself. I can't stop the blush that rushes to my cheeks at those words.
"Arigato gozaimasu," I murmur, unable to look him in the eye again. I am relieved, and yet I know the problem has not been solved. He is still very distant. If he is not angry with me, then what?
"You've come to me with your questions, now let me ask you something," he breaks the silence with a strangely serious tone.
"Anything, Zabuza-san," I smile as I straighten up to face him.
"Why don't you hate me?" he asks unflinchingly, eyes hard and prying.
I must admit I am confused. And yet, I know the answer. It is as elementary as breathing.
"Hate does not exist for you in my heart," I answer honestly.
"Even after everything I've done to you? Ordered you to do?" he asks, a tinge of disbelief in his voice.
"Yes. I live for Zabuza-san because I want to."
"Why?" he whispers, almost brokenly. It is strange to hear such a fragile, even hurt tone of voice from this proud man.
"Because Zabuza-san is Zabuza-san. There is no better reason." I smile as I say these words, feeling the gravity of their meaning. It's true…and now he knows.
I don't know when he removed his ever-present mask. I don't even know when he got so close to me. I just see his eyes, full of regret, full of sadness, and full of longing.
He crushes lips roughened by his years of harsh living against mine and I am lost. I can't refuse him, not because of my duty, but because of my own awakening desire…My entire being aches with a hunger I've never felt; a need I've never known, all for this man. I should have known better. I should have expected something like this…
But I never thought it possible! I never once thought that Zabuza-san would want me this way even as his mouth moves to my neck. I am a tool, a weapon…But I am and always will be his in every way. My body, my soul, my heart. I have given them to him without question or obligation, and it makes me happy. Giving everything that I am to Zabuza is the only thing I want. My devotion is eternal, my loyalty resolute, and my love…
Love…? My heart skips a beat.
I love him.
Why else would I have such blind faith and devotion? Why else would the sight of him make my heart race?
My total devotion and loyalty have guided my heart into loving him.
It was all so simple…
He makes me moan as he bites down harshly on my shoulder and his firm hands pull me tighter into his embrace. His hands are heavy as they clumsily trace over my body, but I can't help but enjoy it. I can't help myself as I melt into his greedy arms and vicious kisses. This is who he is and I love him.
That is why I do not stop him from tearing my clothes off of my body. That is why I wrap my arms around him and return his feverent kisses.
No words. No words to demean the honestly both of us are feeling. No words to mar the primal desires we have suppressed for too long. I moan, I writhe, I pant just for him. And he takes what he wants.
I have wanted this for a very long time…I just didn't know it.
And even in the aftermath of our joining, there is an unspoken understanding. We are master and servant still. I am still a tool. He is still my savior. Yet we have discovered what we truly are.
We are two souls whose destinies have been soaked with blood. We are murderers, soldiers, and servants to Death itself. We will walk this sanguine path to the places our deeds have merited with no fear , for we have one another. We will always have each other.
Bound by loyalty.
Bound by death.
Bound by love.
We are everything, and we are nothing.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Whee!! Wasn't that fun?! 'Cept that Haku was like, super-EMO kid…
Haku: That's not my fault! *pout*
Yes. Yes it is, you poor little love deprived mongrel!
Haku: Mongrel?
Yeeeessssss…. That's why Zabuza loves you! ^_^
Haku: No! He luh-…er…LIKES me because I'm useful! Right?
Zabuza (Doot-dooooo-doo-doo-doot): … *covertly sidles up to Haku*
See? SEE?! He likes your mongrel blood AND your cute ass! You're a purdy little thing! :3
Haku: *blush* Zabuza-san is NOT like that!
Zabuza: *non-chalantly pulls gravitating hand away from Haku's ass* …
It is the way of things, Haku, my dear. You might as well get used to having Zabuza lust after you like a…a…um…Zabuza in heat! ^_^
Haku: *OBLIVIOUS to Zabuza next to him* N-no! I TRUST Zabuza-san! He is ABOVE such things!
Zabuza: *shakes head, and makes grabby hands*…
Yes. Of course, Haku. He has absolutely no love for you beyond your mad ninja skillz.
Haku: Uh, hai!
Are you saying that you're not desireable for any other reason?
Haku: Well, er…yes?
So what you're REALLY saying is that Zabuza is a eunuch. =_=
Haku: Hai! O.O Nan-! Nan desu ka?! Ah, no! No! No! No!!! Zabuza-san is very well end- *blush*
"Very well end-", eh, Haku?
Haku: _
Zabuza: :}
I rest my case. Go, go on and frolic about you two! The fangirls are waiting!
Haku: H-hai…*blush*blush*blush*
Notice the Zabuza in his natural habitat: In the Haku. O.O
X3 SWEET!
Murr! Sorry there was no, like, lemony goodness. I just couldn't do it. Nope! They're just too hard to write like that! So I stayed (or tried to at least) with the true characters in that respect, because, well, they'd never act all lovey dovey and we know it! I opted for bittersweet, like things sweetened with Splenda! ^_^
Oh, yes. Sorry if my "fangirl Japanese" pisses you off. However, I saw it as necessary to have Haku say certain phrases in Japanese because, well, I'm a pervert and the thought of a submissive little Haku stuttering out "Gomen-nasai" was beyond cute…and sexy! ^_^ And it captures the formality between him and his master (*cough*bater*cough*) better than our own reticular, though lacking, language can! Like, you know,with the use of honorifics? Curse you Americanized English!! CURSE YOUUUU!!!And if none of those reasons are good enough for you, then here's the ultimate raison d'être (even though that's French, like 'parley' :P ): JAPAN IS SUPERIOR!!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!
All I gotta say is I'm expecting a Salem flaming, and I'm not sorry! :P Wrote this a long time ago…but am only posting it here now.