I love you, Kate.
"And I... am feeling so small
It was over my head, I know nothing at all
And I... will stumble and fall, I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl"
Little Big World: "Say Something"
Castle checked his appearance in the mirror finish of the window next to Kate's hospital room door. His mother had sent him home to take a shower when Jim had told them she was awake and wanted to see him when visiting hours began. When he'd returned, his mother had done the best she could to help conceal the dark circles under his eyes.
He hadn't been slept well the night before, hunched over as he had been in the uncomfortable couch in the hospital waiting room. The content of his confrontation with Josh still simmering in his brain. She'd been shot, and he knew that was likely a poor time to confess his love for her, especially since he believed he was the one who got her into this mess to begin with.
He stood transfixed in the doorway holding the flowers he'd had delivered, staring at her for several minutes. He barely noticed as Josh stood up from the chair next to her bed and slipped out of the room.
"Hey," he said softly, unable to keep the gratitude out his voice that she was alive at all. Pale and wan as she was, she'd never looked more beautiful to him.
"You're staring at me," Kate muttered hiding her face behind her hair, "I must look … really bad."
"No," Castle replied, "I just never thought I'd see you again."
Though the sudden, unbidden candidness of his statement caught her off guard, her expression warmed and her eyes found their way to him.
"I heard you were opening a flower shop," Castle offered, holding up the arrangement he held in their own vase, "so I thought I'd pitch in."
He smiled softly and set his addition to the growing array of flowers at her bedside table before taking the seat by her bed that Josh vacated, glad her erstwhile boyfriend was not in the room. Their confrontation had not been pleasant and he didn't want to bring that into what little time he might be allowed at her bedside.
"They were here when I woke up," Kate replied, "I think they're mostly from the precinct. I don't think I'm going to live this one down, Castle."
"Oh, probably not," he quipped, slipping into their usual banter a little too easily for his taste under the circumstances, but she smiled at his attempt to bring some normalcy into her stark hospital room, even though the constant eye contact made her a little uneasy. She could see there was something going on behind his baby blue eyes.
"I hear that you tried to save me," she offered. Though everything after she began her eulogy to Captain Montgomery was a complete blank.
"Yeah, I um …" he began, but cut himself short when his brain caught up to what she'd said. "You heard? You don't remember me tackling you?"
"No, I don't remember much of anything," she replied, unable to miss the way his face dropped, it was clear that something had gone on after she'd been hit, but her memory was a complete blank, aside from a hazy dream she'd had, where she could see him standing over her, his mouth moving but she couldn't tell what he was saying. She wasn't sure if it was real or just part of the revolving series of nightmares before she'd finally woken up that morning. It was apparent to her that he was fishing for something he'd hoped she could remember, and was clearly hurt that she didn't.
"I, um, I remember that I was on the podium," she offered, "after that everything just went black."
"You don't remember…" but he stopped, not wanting to push the issue or make her feel any worse than she already did. She was so pale and obviously her strength was waning, it clearly wasn't the time, "… the gun shot?"
"No," Kate replied, "but they say that there's some things that are better not being remembered."
"Yeah," Castle agreed, but Kate couldn't shake the feeling that the gunshot wasn't the thing he had wanted to say, by the wounded expression on his face. There was something she didn't know about the time between the last thing she could remember and when she woke up, so she changed the subject, blurting out the first thing that popped into her head
"I keep seeing his face, Castle," She whispered, regretting it the moment it came out of her mouth. "Every time I close my eyes I see Montgomery lying on the hangar floor. You should have let me go in there."
"They would have killed you," Castle replied with deeper conviction than she'd expected. More than she felt when she'd brought up the subject. Montgomery had gone to great lengths to make sure he'd die alone, she knew that.
"You don't know that," she countered.
"Kate…" Castle pleaded, as if he suspected that she was trying to push him away, like she had in her apartment the night before Montgomery had been killed. She'd said a lot of things she regretted that night, things she wished she could take back. Though she desperately wanted him there by her side, she needed some distance from his guilt and his unanswered questions. Time to regroup, until she was strong enough to get the full truth out of him about the missing time that was now troubling her with its presence.
"Castle, I'm really tired right now," she whispered, not wanting to escalate a fight she hadn't wanted to start in the first place.
"Of course. He replied, eyes cast downward, knowing he was being dismissed, and it killed her to see the hurt radiating off his features. "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Do you mind if we don't?" Kate asked, barely able to choke out the words. She was going to be having a very difficult conversation with Josh in the morning and she didn't wish to have an audience for it. She liked Josh, but he was being just a little too possessive since she woke up from the anesthesia. Were it not for her father's power of attorney, it was likely Castle would never have made it into the building, much less her room and that was not something she wanted reinforced.
If she really thought about it, she knew that the conversation with Josh she was planning had been a long time coming and even more inevitable since L.A., but Castle had been right. She'd been hiding behind him and it was time for that to stop. It wasn't fair to Josh to keep him at arms length knowing her heart truly belonged to another. He had a right to a life and to find somebody who would truly let him in. He was a great guy, but he was not the one her heart truly desired. She only hoped she didn't completely drive Castle away in the meantime.
"I just need a little bit of time," she whispered, hoping she sounded more tired than heartbroken at the look in his eyes, a look she knew she'd put there.
"Sure," Castle whispered, forcing a smile, one she knew from personal experience he used during book signings, "Sure. How much time?"
"I'll call you, okay?" she added. Her words sounded false even to her own ears, she only hoped it would be a promise she'd be able to keep later.
The sad, defeated look on his face as he regarded her before walking out the door nearly tore her heart to pieces. It said everything he'd held back, and the one thing he didn't. He'd looked at her as if memorizing her features like he'd never see her again. She really hoped that wouldn't be true.
Five Days Later
The talk with Josh had not gone well at all. She knew he wouldn't be happy, but it was clear that since she'd been shot he hadn't seen it coming at all. It had been difficult to work her way up to breaking up with him, but after he'd begun maligning Castle, he'd made it a lot easier.
It hurt having to end her relationship with Josh on such a sour note. He was a great guy and she really liked him, but that wasn't enough. She didn't love him, under different circumstances, in a different world, perhaps Attorney Kate Beckett might have, but deep down she knew her heart belonged to another. Using Josh to hide from her feelings for the man she did love wasn't fair to either of the two men in her life and Josh deserved to be with somebody who would give him her whole heart.
She was going to be discharged in a few days, but would be looking forward to weeks and possibly months of difficult and possibly painful physical therapy before she would be able to return to work, then several weeks of desk duty afterward depending on whom they replaced Captain Montgomery with. She needed time to think, someplace quiet and contemplative. Someplace where she could heal both physically and emotionally. She knew she'd have a difficult phone call to make in the morning when she wasn't so tired.
Three Months Later
Richard Castle sat at the table in the small bookstore, signing book after book for what seemed like an eternity, but his heart isn't in it. As much as he loves and appreciates his fans, he'd rather be anywhere but there, looking at the cover of a book that had been tearing his heart out since he'd thrown a whiskey glass at the cover art mockup months ago. Writing it with Kate gone had twisted his heart into knots, but the questions all the same ones he'd asked a hundred times before. "And your name is?", "How are you?" "Hi there." "Who should I make it out to?" "Thanks for coming." Nothing is genuine. They were all running together.
"Who should I make it out to?" he said again, like he had over a hundred times before
"Kate," a very familiar voice states shyly, "You can make it out to Kate."
When he looked up at her hopeful expression, his eyes ghosted from shock at seeing her again, flashed with sudden anger, then quickly turned cold enough to make her recoil. He quickly plastered on the false smile he'd been giving everyone before her in line as he signed the cover of her book, then waved the next person in line forward like she'd never been there.
She'd expected him to be upset, she'd promised to call him in a few days and then disappeared of the face of the planet, but the depth of his anger seemed out of proportion all things being equal. There was something she was still missing, and she was no closer to finding out. As much as she wanted the files the boys told her he had, this was another mystery to be solved. Neither of which she was going to figure out without his active participation. At the very least he deserved the truth. She would just have to wait him out until the book signing was over.
Two hours later, after a quick trip to get some coffee, Kate was waiting very conspicuously with her arms crossed over her book near the back door of the bookstore when he emerged, shook the hand of each of the bookstore employees on his way out.
"Thank you very much for all your hard work," he said to each of them as he signed their books. "Next time I write a book I'll be sure to come by."
He turned in her direction, hesitating for only a moment when he saw her, then walk right past her without so much as a nod in her direction.
"Castle, wait," she called out, but he neither stopped, nor even turned to look at her.
"I did, three months," he snapped without turning around, "You never called."
"I know you're angry..." She began, but the look he gave her when he finally did stop and turn around stopped her in her tracks.
"Oh, you're damn right, I'm angry," Castle replied bitterly, anger and something else pouring out of his eyes at her that she couldn't identify left her in shocked silence with her mouth open, whatever she'd been about to say gone like it had never been. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you lo..."
He stopped, like his vocal chords had choked on the word it sounded like he was going to say.
"... someone you care about?" he finally finished, his eyes no longer meeting hers, like he couldn't bear the sight of her.
"I told you I needed some time," she tried, but the words sounded false to her even as she spoke them. She'd meant to call him the next morning, and every morning that followed it for the rest of her time in the hospital, then the drive up to her father's cabin, but she just couldn't bring her thumb to hit send. Every day she didn't, it just got harder and harder until she'd stopped trying altogether.
"You said a few days," he replied coldly.
"I needed more," she tried again, but that too sounded more like she was making excuses, something she would not have tolerated from a romantic or work partner who'd wronged her and especially would not have been tolerated in an interrogation. She'd have used statements like that to grill them harder in the latter and sent the former packing without a single backward look, so his next rebuttal was not as much a surprise as she would have thought.
"Well, you should have said that," he stated flatly before turning away, clearly shutting down on her.
She knew she hadn't said explicitly that she'd call him in a few days, but she had clearly implied that she'd call him a lot sooner than the three months and counting he'd waited. She couldn't honestly say whether she'd be there now, had it not been for the boys. Between the files she needed to find her shooter so she could get the name of the bastard who'd ordered the hit on her mother and the fact that she needed to make things right with Castle for breaking her promise to call him. He'd deserved better than that, especially if she had any chance for the future she wanted with him someday. The boys had made the necessity of the latter perfectly clear to her.
"Didn't Castle tell you about all this?" Ryan had asked her when they'd relayed what little they had on her shooter,
"No," she replied, she hadn't wanted to talk about the last three months, shed barely spoke or texted with anyone but her dad and Lanie all summer.
"That's weird," Esposito noted, "Why wouldn't he… why would he hide that from you?"
"He isn't hiding anything," she replied, still wanting to avoid the subject, "I just haven't seen him in awhile."
"How long is awhile?" Esposito asked, not letting her off the hook. It bothered her a little that he was displaying much the same loyalty he would have given her under the same circumstances. She would not have been surprised if they'd grilled Castle like that the summer before.
"Pretty much since the shooting," she finally answered, when it was clear she could no longer evade the question.
"Why?" Ryan asked, "What happened?"
She'd tried to disguise her evasiveness by walking into the breakroom under the pretense of making coffee, barely able to look at the expensive espresso machine that sat there as if mocking her for her cowardice.
"Nothing happened," she sighed "I just needed some time."
"What, and he left you alone for three months?" Esposito choked, unable to believe that Castle had held back from chasing her like he'd always done.
"Guys, it wasn't his fault," she'd sighed, trying to hide her guilty feelings behind her longer. Freshly styled hair, "I told him that I would call."
"Well then, why didn't you?" Esposito shot back. She noted he was getting much better at interrogations since she'd left. Either that or she'd been a lot more out of practice hiding her tells that she'd thought. She paused in her pretense of coffee making, trying to come up with a reasonable answer that wouldn't make the boys think less of him for something that wasn't his fault.
"He was here with us, every day, you know," Esposito told her without further preamble, "working your case."
Her train of thought stopped dead in its tracks, it was the last thing she would have expected, guilt for what she'd done clawing at her insides as she stopped even the pretense of making a cup of coffee she knew in her heart wouldn't taste right anyway. His comment about monkey pee and battery acid as her eye drifted over the little used drip coffee maker mocking her even more.
"He sat there hunched over your desk for months." Esposito continued without holding back, "He'd still be here if the new captain hadn't kicked him to the curb."
"I'm sorry Castle, I tried," Kate whispered, "but I couldn't call you."
He stopped again, but didn't turn to look at her so she continued. "Not without digging up everything that I was just trying to get some space from. I needed to just work through everything."
By his ramrod straight posture it was clear that her words had not had the desired effect. Hurt and anger radiated off of him in waves that she could almost feel from three feet away.
"Josh help you with that?" he said bitterly, clearly flashing back to their fight the night before Montgomery was shot.
"We broke up," she offered, hoping to alleviate the one wound she knew had been festering since before she'd been shot. Her father had told her – with some trepidation - what had transpired between Castle and Josh in the waiting room. She'd been so angry she nearly tore the stitches in her side.
She turned and walked slowly across the narrow street toward the small park and the empty set of swings she saw there. This was a conversation she knew she'd need to sit down for. It took him a moment, but she could feel him following her as she approached the swings and sat down.
When he finally eased himself into the swing next to hers, she held up the book she'd been cradling in her arms. It had been difficult to read, but like every one of his other books, once she'd started, she couldn't put it down. Even though parts of it struck too close to home and made her cringe.
"I like the dedication," she offered, trying to diffuse the situation enough so they could really talk.
"It seemed right," he replied noncommittally.
"It must have been hard, writing that ending." She added. The ending had been the hardest part of the book for her to read She'd had to put the book down twice to cry when she got to it. Castle taking the bullet meant for her – like he'd done with Rook and Nikki – had factored into some of the worst of her nightmares over the past three months. That he'd been willing to even entertain the notion long enough to write it down twisted in her guts.
"Yeah," Castle replied softly, clearly still haunted by that day in the cemetery. "Yeah. Given the circumstances, yeah."
Kate knew in her heart that Josh could not have chosen a more hurtful thing to say to him than that her shooting was his fault. Josh was lucky she'd been unaware of that piece of information when she'd broken up with him, or she'd have been a lot less nice about it from the get-go. If it took the rest of her life she would try to wipe that stain of guilt from Castle's soul. She almost wished she could erase the two hours from his memory like fate had done for her.
"So why did you guys break up?" Castle asked, his voice finally softening a little, but his posture was still rigid.
"I really, really liked him," she began, but it was clear that she was taking the wrong tack as she twisted his swing around to catch his gaze, "but that wasn't enough. I broke up with him, because my heart belongs to somebody else."
Those words finally caught Castle's attention, his eyes were suddenly fixed upon her, his mouth open as if he was trying to speak but she cut him off.
"I'm not going to have the kind of relationship that I want until I put this thing to rest. So the person I really want and I can dive into a real relationship together." She had very clearly chosen those words for effect, words he would remember her saying before in that isolation tent the first time she'd contemplated the lack of future she'd seen with Josh with the man she'd really wanted one with.
"Then I suppose we're just going to have to find these guys and take them down." Castle replied, as the smile bloomed on her face with a sense of hope he hadn't had since before he'd walked into her hospital room.
"It doesn't mean I'm still not mad," he added.
"I know, Castle," Kate replied, "you have every right to be angry. I should have called you long before now. Even if it was just to say I'd be gone for a while. But really, how're you going to help me with this if Gates kicked you out?"
"I only let her kick me out because there was no reason to stay." Castle replied.
"Oh,"Kate whispered as she realized just how close she'd come to losing him forever.
"She'll take me back," Castle stated confidently.
It took several months of work both on her mother's case and with her therapist but eventually – after a minor setback when she'd lied to Bobby Lopez in the interrogation room about remembering every second of her shooting. A lie uttered in the heat of the moment that had taken her a few tries to explain as he'd been hurt and angry enough to not take her calls which she'd finally laid to rest with a reminder that she's allowed to lie to suspects they began to make slow, painstaking progress in regards to her mother's shooting. Especially after Castle had told her about Smith and let her sit in on one of their phone conversations without his knowledge.
Dr. Burke had helped her find more reliable coping mechanisms for the siren's song of the rabbit hole. Coping mechanisms which were sorely tested when a thief broke into Captain Montgomery's house and Castle had cautioned her to take a step back. Unlike the the night they'd argued about it in her apartment the night before Montgomery was killed, this time she listened and brought backup to the Rosslyn Hotel. When Cole Maddox burst into the room, he was met with the heavy firepower of a CSU element pointing automatic weapons in his face.
Though the man spoke not a word, not even to offer his own name, a DNA swab revealed him to be her shooter and was subsequently arrested for Attempted murder of a police officer, breaking and entering as well as assaulting an officer.
From the photo albums Maddox had stolen, Castle identified the man he'd met in the parking garage as Mr. Smith whom they brought in for questioning. After two hours in the box with Gates he finally relented and provided the file that Captain Montgomery had mailed him. Though most of it was inadmissible in court, the fact that it was once again in active play made several of the wrong people take notice. Three weeks later, Senator William Bracken was found face down in a ditch next to his parked car on the Beltway in Washington D.C.
Gates gave Kate a two week vacation after the investigation was over, telling her to not come back for two weeks or face suspension and to "kiss that damned writer of hers already."
Castle had the perfect plan for her two week vacation and they were quickly packed off to the house in the Hamptons while Alexis and Martha were out of town. At long last they were finally having the vacation there he'd offered her before. This time free of all distractions where he was finally able to say the the words he'd been longing to say again for nearly a year.
"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."
Prompt: Season 4 AU. Beckett really didn't hear Castle say "I love you." submitted by LoveJessieLou . Filled as a gift for their generous contribution to GoodLuckStana dot com. See all the prompts and fills at GoodLuckStana dot tumblr dot com slash tagged slash GLSfill."