Mario: The Real Story.
Once upon a time yesterday, Mario and hz broo Luigi were in the bathroom fix a toilet.
"Thank you for fixing my toilet. I really need to crap" said Rosie O'Donnell whos toilet was backed up with dog carp "Thank you. I think your really cool" said Luigi.
"Luigi u no du any work and make me do it" Mario angerily starred.
"Ooh, that reminds me, I get u both drinks." said Rosie O'Donnel. Luigi took out a box and started putti together lego motorcycle. After Rose O'Donne's footsteps had vanished, mario told liugi to hand hin the plunger.
"Luiig! Fgimme a plunger." The toliet started to rumble suddenly and grumble and then a fart sound. The toilet exploded and sucked them all down! And sucked Mario and liugi down the death pipe of Rosie O'Donnell's toliet pipe. Luigi and Mario screamed their heads off as Rosie O'Donnell's crap covered their bodies as they puked everywhere. Somewhere along the pipe, Luigi's fly managed to open and the wonderful joys of Rosie O'Donnell's poop rubbed against his dick. He screamed his head off as wonderful white joy filled the pipe with Luigi's stuff. Mario screams "fuck you Luigi!!!" as they flew out of the pipe as the pipe exploded meking there no way to get back in. Luigi and Mario hit the ground as it was raining "Chocolate rain" from the pipe. Luigi caught some on his hand and licked it. "Hey, this really does taste like chocolate!" he sayd.
They woke up several hours later and saw nothing but grass and small houses shaped like peins. After that they sees something in the distance. It was a football. But this football had polkadots on it. Red polkadots. And then immedietly Luigi screams "TACKLE FOOTBALL!" Luigi races as fast as he can and kickes the thing righgt on its head. Blood and brain juices covered Luigi. Luigi was screaming because the blood burning his eiiballs. Then they hear tiny footsteps. And then you hear a small beat getting bigger and bigger. Then suddenly Fotball people came everywhere singing a song. Mario and liugi were getting backed up by the guards. One had a boner that Luigi couldn't stop stairing at. Then the big pop daddy king toad came into the center of the field. And big pop Daddy shouted "What the hell is giong on here!?!?!" Then Mario says "I do not knoe we are the plumbers from earth, we got sucked down Rosie IO'Donnell's toliet." Big pop daddy taod bowed down to Mario and Luigi and said "Follow me."
Two hours later Mario and Luigi came up tho the castle with Big Pop daddy Toad. All three of them walked up to a big castle wall and big pop daddy Toad said "When I open this door one of you might pis yourself. One guy even killed himself from this so be ready." Big pop daddt toad opened the door and Marios eyes were as big as uranus(if u no wat I mean) as while liugi picked his nose and staired at the Toad with the boner. The wonderful princess peach said "let me guess you guys are the chosen ones?" all luigi could could say was "BIG PINAS" Mario hit him and said "Yes, I think we are the chosen ones."
"okay you shall stay here. There some bedrooms upstairs. I have my doors locked but my window is always open. And I also sleep in a giant bridcage with a lock on it but the locjk isn' locked ever." So the princess makes her way upstairs. She was two steps away until. Bump-bump-bump bump bump. Bump-bump bump-bump bump. BUMP-BUMP BUMP-BUMP BUMP. Bum bump bump bump bump bum bum bump Bum-Bump bump Bump Bum-Bump bump bump bump. As she fell all her cloths ripped off. Mario and Luigi were standing ther while she was only wearing her underwear. She screamed and hit them both with a metal frying pan and they both blacked out.
Unknown time. "Where am I? It's so dark. I forgot my tamopns What am I gonna do!" said princess peach.
"Hahaha! I finally got the prin ess for the 50th tim!" said mystery character. "The kingdom will be mine!"
"Yeah. The Princess said. Too bad Mario's gonna save me."
"Who's Mario?"
END OF CHAPTER ONE!!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/Mario woke up one sunny morning. Mario stood up out of his bed. He had a bad drem. He thought it walked up to the window and saw nothin but green grass, dick houses and a toad fuvking in the bushes! He walked down stairs and saw Luigi with his pants halfway down carrying a beer can and chasing a toad. Mario grabs Luigi and kickes him in twh hed. "Stop being age drunk" he woke up and said "U nevr ley mme hav fun!" "Your 22 years old and have no job."/they came down to the kitchen and saw big pop daddt taod. "What's e dooing?" He was... SPREADING PEANUT BUTTER ON HIS DICKKKK!!!!!!?????
"What the FUCK are you doing?" "I'm just having midnight shack" "But its 9 in the morning" Said mario with rage. Toad pop daddy dipped up his pants and the peanut butter squished all over his pants.
"So here's the deal" He said. "The princess has been kidnapped yesterdat."
"How the hell did that happen?" Mario yelled. "It's a complete mystery. So, you guys are out new heroes. Our old hero was Jack the JUMper. He got crushed by a house las year."
"So?" So you get a choice. He took out two blocks. "Block #1 or blaok #2" Block number one shone in the morning sun, gleaming in pure wonder. What a beatuiful sight to see. Block number 2 was a plain brown block thet looked lie someon threw up on it and smelled like it contained nothing but pure bullsshit.
"Block number one... block number 2..." They both agreed on block number one.
"Okay. You get... a mushroom... an egg... a flowr , an feather... and star." Mario looke at the stuff and then back at big pop daday toad then at luigi who was looking at his dick then back at big bpop daddy toad and said "WTF is this shit?"
"And... I get... A pistol... shotGUN...Snipr rifle... ROCKET LAUNCHER... and Pack of drugs"
Mario looks down, looks up and looks at luigi still looking at is dick. Mario said what anyone else would hace says. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!" Then out of nowhere luigi said "Are you going to finish that midnight snack?" "FUCK YOU LUIGI!!!" Marioc yelled while punching luiji across the face and fell hit ground and dident get up for 2 jumpeds up and yelled FUCK YOU MAIRO!!!!!!!while he got punched out windo luigi runs as fast as he can and bust through the wall. Mario flipped over and landed on both of his feet. And Mario said "Now you've done it, asshole!" Mario punch Luiji in fac but he`didny get gurt. He as blinking 4 sum sttrange reason and he hit Mario again.... Marion flew and hit a cloud and fell down again. Luigi came over and mario said "Okay, i'm done!!!!!!" Pop daddy toad came over ans said "Nice joc assholes, you just wasted the super star."
One day later, big bop daddy toad, wityj the peanut butter still in his pants, prpbabley mopldy by now, told him to go to the castle to save rthe blond haired, dipshit princess. Luigi said "where is this caslte anyway?" and Mario said "how the fuck should I know dumbass." Luigi said again "Y are u so upset?" Mario turns around, gerabs his shirt and starts yelling at the top oh gis lungss anf mario said "I have a FUICking goomba attached to my ass, biting my ass I cant get off, I woke up with morning wood and I broke my dick, I smell like shit, and I think I still have YOUR jizz up my nose!" Luigi didn't heat anything because he was looking a t a strange animal licking it boner. Mario pushes luigi down and keeps walking. Si8x hoorible, wintery hoursmonthe later, the reach checkpoint Mario jumps thru it and a big old wooden sighn pops uot of nowhere and says, "Congradulation, you have reacked level one!" Mario got so mad that he turned around looking for something to kick, and luigi was bending down fingering an anthill. Now kids, time for a little history lesson about in between Luigi's legs/" There's this BIG reed button. Now, if you hit this button, nobody knowss what happens, but they say it is a really big boom , and you go really fast. Now, back to our story. Bario backed up lifted his left foot up into the air, and ran towaard him and hit him straight between the legs. LUIGI INSTANTLY LIFTS UP HIS HEAD AND HE SAYS "I'M FIRING MY LAZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Befoure mario could think, A BIG BLUE LAZER WENT FIRING OUT OF LUIGIS MOUTH. THE BLAST WAS SO POWERFUL THAT IT BLASTED THEM BOTH AND THEY WERE FLYING AT A TRILLION MILES PER HOUR. ONE HOUR LATER, THEY FINALLY SLAMMED RIGHT INTO A CASTLE WALL. Luigi and mario were laying on the ground not sayd "What the FUCK was that!" "What are u talking about?" luigi said. "Fuck you, luigi" And they lay down and pass out for a a day that seemes like a year. Mario and luigi wake up the nexy day and mario was like "I guess this is the castle." Liugi just says "Pingas" Mario just ignores him and goes into tha castle. So they walked in. They walked down a dark and dangerous man that tey would respect but they were afraid that it was their rnrmy. They opened up these big doors and Mario couldn't belive his eyes. Mario said "ITS YOU YOU BIG FAT DINOSAUR piece OF SHIT!!!!!!!!" Boweser stood up with his big red mohawk and his big white horns that were as with as the moon or semen, and his big muscles that looked like cannons. authors note: Okay, so they didn't literally look like cannons, I was just using a metaphor in which means simply that his muscles were big. I know that not all cannons are big, because one time I was at a museum and saw a really small one. It might be a fake but I'm sure it was actual size. This is just a figure of speech. But to hell with it, back to the story* Bowser stood up and said "I know you you want to highschool with me, Bitch!" "Wow" mario said "You really improved on your 'geekish' life. Living in castles, and stealing bumb blond princesses?" "Well it ain't my fault I got kicked out of school because of you bitches."
flashback
Bowser was beating up luigi in highschool. Mario goes up and hits bowser. "What the fuck was that for!" Mario said :"leave him alone. He's got special needs." Bowser said Fuck you!" and toook a swing at Mario. Just then Luigi bent over and yelled in a really high pith tone "Toot Toot!" Mario plugs his nose and bowser faints when luigi farted. The nurse comes yb and says "This man must have some horrible Medical condition. He must be taken out of school for his own safety."
Back
"Well," bowser said "You should have just let me beat him up!" But mario said "Look at him! He's helpless and retarded and hes 22 years old with no job!" and luigi goes "Hey! you have a big penis!" Luigi said. "You've got a point" said bowser. "Here, you win. You can take my limo back to the castle."Mario goes "Whatever. Come on Luigi." He gets into the lima and drives back. "so what did you do with that egg." siasd luigi. "I had it ofr breakfast, bitch." said mario. The finally arrive back at the castle. Thety see pop daddy toad with weed in the mouth . He approches them look at them with a sad face. He walkes up very slowly, and Mario and luigi realizes they forgot the princess Mario got down on his knees and screamed "!!!!!!!" Luigi gets down obn his knees and tries to suck Toads dick. "Get away from me, faggot!" yells big pop daddy and kicked luigi in his face. Mario was so mad that he got back into the lemosine and takes pop daddy's weed and slamms on the gas. He ran over luigu, who gos stuck to the windsheild. Mario hit every single, dick house, toad , and pipe that got in his way while speeding to bowser's castle. The car slammed thru the wall and crushed boewser. Mario got out and kicked him in the face and said "You tried to trick me, you Bitch!" Just them Luigi pulled out a bomb. "What does this do?" he said. "LUIGI, THAT'S A BOMB!!!!!!!" mario yelled. Then the whole castle exploded and they all flew to the castle. They crashed throught the roof. Mario landed on the bed and peach landedd right next to him. Luigi landed on the floor. "Luigi, get out." Mario said. "But-" "Just do it" mario said.
author's note. Sorry to all your Yoshi fans, I know you all were expecting him to appear, but this was based upon the game Super Mario Bros.(t.m) in which yoshi did not appear. In other words, we just got lazy. We may do one with Yoshi in the future, though.
THE END, ASSHOLE!