Sonder - The realization that each random passerby is living a life of their own.
If it weren't for his inherent need to ingest food, Tim would never stop driving.
Just push down on the pedal and not even once glance in his rear view mirror, unwilling to see what trails in his wake.
But he's still human, painfully so, and hasn't that always been his undoing?
Chasing such basic desires as social interaction
So he stops, in the middle of some town where no-one knows him and no-one will. A sleepy place where he can rest. Leave before his darkness catches up again, spreading here too.
Always spreading to everyone he dare touch
Like the sickness is in his head and it's cold, freezing. He shoves his hands into his pockets, breathing in the crisp air.
It burns in his lungs, as if he's choking all over again
He coughs automatically, deep from within, knowing It is there at the edge of his vision.
Static fills Tim's ears, beats down on his brain, but he doesn't listen, got used to tuning it out over the years.
He decides on a worn-looking coffeehouse, the only place open at such an early hour, and hurries inside to get away from His impeding darkness.
The light never did fully reach Him, did it?
It screams at him, claws, making him stumble. The restroom has tile walls, like the ones he used to have some day in some place. The same place he had safety and friends and a life.
It's gone, all gone, long gone
His pills are a similar color to the ceramic, white and even, that's what they're for right? To stop the taint, keep him clean.
Only taint others now
Little hard ovals of chemicals supposed to save him.
They didn't save Jay
They make his mouth feel dry so he gets some water from the faucet, scoops it in his trembling hands. It has a metallic aftertaste.
It tastes a bit like blood
He gets a dark coffee and a bagel that looks like shit but should keep him going for a while longer still.
It isn't like a home-made meal at all and that comforts him.
But maybe it hurts a little too
An object set in motions wants to stay in motion and Tim just wants to keep running. Never wants to become stagnant again.
Afraid to hurt those he cares for again
He is flighty, nervous, feels like he should have a camera on it, naked without it, but knows it would be useless.
All the cameras in the world couldn't help Alex
So he tries to slow down instead, no matter how hard, breathe in the moment.
People walk in and out, a sudden breeze of frigid air each time the doors open. Those that work their shifts at the crack of dawn, quickly grabbing a drink before heading off to work. Those that haven't slept at all, fetching a much needed caffeine shot to tide them over until morning.
And Tim, watching them. Marveling at what it would be like, such a mundane existence, such an ordinary way of living. To not have a shadow cast over you since childhood.
Why did he ever think he deserved such a thing
The coffee is bitter and doesn't make him feel warm inside at all, just stale. Old and torn, like everything is coming to a head, and he knows he can't sit still for long. He can't be careless.
There is no choice but to keep going.
"Can I sit here?" Somebody asks, he nods and she smiles. Her eyes are pale blue, just slightly watery at the edges and it remembers Tim of Jay.
Of those eyes ringed with exhaustion and worry, filled with conviction and then emptiness. It's that last one he most vividly recalls.
He misses Jay every single day
She smiles and talks to him, but Tim doesn't listen, doesn't breathe. He can already feel It crawling Its way down his spine, into his veins, and he has wasted enough time. Endangered enough people.
Why can't he ever keep anybody save?
He gets up without a word, she probably thinks him rude. Thinks he is just being an asshole, but he's fine with that.
She can get back to her normal life undisturbed and Tim can keep running, the way it is supposed to be.
Until either It stops or he gives in and lets it consume him completely.
And It will never stop
Tumblr: sharada-n