The Harody Parody Monologues
Slash!Draco Monologue
(Obviously 1-part gay male)
5 minutes
Draco: I-- am a Malfoy. Malfoys do not cry, smile, show compassion, manually wipe their behinds, use inexpensive hair gel and we most certainly do not make dramatical interpretations on being a Malfoy. Why? Because we are Malfoys. However, there is one thing that I, Draco Malfoy, will admit to doing on a daily basis. And that, is engaging in hardcore gay sex with Harry Potter.
I thrive off of not only the belittling of poorer wizards than myself (though it is one of the most important of my existence), but also the NC-17 detailed sexual encounters of myself and Harry Potter. Who wouldn't want to 'do the nasty' with The-Boy-Who-Lived? Those sexy eyes and that damn scar…(shudder) Of course, I could never truthfully admit to our liaison being consensual because Malfoys simply do not ask to do the hanky-panky with anyone. This, can be proved by simply reading any of my sadistic Father's 'romance' fanfictions. But never you mind what I decide to do in my four-poster bed. All I ask for is acceptance. Accept that you are not as intriguing and intoxicating as I am. Come to terms with the fact that I'm richer than the Queen of England and that I probably PMS more than she does. Ignore the fact that I am a sexy blonde beast and see my manly needs…for other men. No heterosexual could possibly comb his hair to perfection as I do everyday. No heterosexual could befriend two savagely strong cronies and not have a hard-on every now-and-then. No heterosexual could wear my Louis Vuitton Handbag to Potions class and look as sinister as I do. Why? Because they are not Draco Malfoy.
I am not a closet case in the least; For in addition to not using inexpensive hair gel and manually wiping my behind, I--Draco Malfoy--do not believe in hiding anything. I do everything in the most effeminate way possible and pray that Pansy Parkinson catches on eventually. Recall the numerous occasions when I have ridiculed Weasley and Granger or such other lowly persons. Upon each occasion, I would gossip about their cheap clothing and about how much of a whore they were for wearing their robes as they did. I even snapped my fingers and rolled my neck around for the hell of it. Of course, these many details were overlooked in the typing of the Harry Potter manuscripts because of the lack of trees that Scholastic Books chops down from some Brazillian forest every year to mass-produce J.K. Rowling's books. (Sigh)
It takes a great deal of work to be a pompous asshole, but even a great deal more work to look good doing it. Perfection does not come overnight unless, of course, if you are a Malfoy. And since you aren't one, you couldn't possibly comprehend the strenuous amount of effort it takes to present this image to an envious public.
And so, if you see me walking down the corridor sporting my Louis Vuitton Handbag and running my long manicured fingers through my silky smooth hair and I'm making seductive winks at Harry Potter, do not loathe me for what you could only dream of possibly becoming, but congratulate me for looking fabulously divine while doing it. That is all. I'm spent.