Not Myself Tonight

Upon being dropped off at her house by Kim, their designated driver, JJ stumbled out of the car and up her steps. Her girls didn't notice, yelling goodbyes at her back. She gave them a crooked final wave and got inside. The clock in the hall said 12:37. JJ mumbled something to herself about missing curfew and then laughed because she hadn't had a curfew for fifteen years. Her head spun and so did the room and she was so dizzy she could barely put down her purse and keys. Her shoes were fairly easy, though.

She didn't usually let herself dwell on Hotch. Nor did she drink when it wasn't socially. Tonight (or today, rather), would be a night she would go against the norm. She had no alcohol in the house, but she fumbled around the far back of the pantry and found a dusty bottle of cooking sherry. She hadn't used cooking sherry in a while. She shrugged and sat down at the table, sinking into the cushion on one of the wooden chairs. She struggled with the cap, as her depth perception wasn't the best in her current state. After she'd gotten it open, she took a tentative sip. It was bitter and as she knew from experience, only fit to cook with. However, she was past caring. It dribbled down her chin and onto her blouse. Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered she had work tomorrow. She made a sloppy mental note to get some sleep, and soon.

Hotch was drained. He'd unwound with a shot of whiskey after work and yet one had turned into three, and three into five. By the time he realized he was considerably tipsy, ruminations of a past romance had already crept into his head.

Hotch missed JJ. He didn't only miss the "little" things: her lipstick on his temple, her patient nature, how she'd listen to him decompress after work day after day without complaint. Nor did he merely miss her presence: a hand to hold while making coffee, a face to see that was always happy to see him. Rather, he missed her in general. All of her. Everything. And it was eating him up inside.

JJ wasn't quite sure when it was that she'd shed her jacket and ended up cross-legged on the carpet in the living room, but that didn't really matter. She frantically sifted through the drawers in the cabinet in the living room until she found the photograph she was looking for. It was contained in a simple white envelope that read "To JJ" on the front. She couldn't recall who had given it to her. She felt silly for opening it slowly; holding her breath, for she was fairly certain she'd stared at the photo many times and memorized each detail. It was a photograph of the Quantico BAU team (and spouses), at some sort of picnic, she couldn't remember where or why. They were all there: David and Emily, Derek and Penelope (they hadn't been looking; instead Derek seemed to be whispering something in Penelope's ear), and Reid in the center. She felt the long-forgotten punch to her gut when she reached the segment of the photo on the far left of she and Hotch. He stood behind her, a hand on her shoulder, as she laughed delightedly. He'd managed to look mildly amused. She drained the last of the sherry.

Hotch and JJ had ended up together after a particular case had reminded them how short life was. They had had a short chapter together; it had been good, but by the end they could feel it was over. Hotch hadn't wanted to risk his job. They had ended it amicably; although it still hurt JJ to think about the if-onlys. She had tried so hard these past months to resist the lure of the phone; to resist pulling him off to the side at work and confessing that yeah, they could get in trouble, but she didn't care, she loved him and wanted everyone to know it.

But not tonight.

JJ picked up her phone, scrolling through the numbers until she'd found his. The phone display read 1:15. She was too intoxicated to care. After eight rings, it reached voicemail. The tinny automated voice message began, "You've reached the voice mailbox of…"

"Aaron Hotchner." Hotch's voice came through, admittedly making JJ feel a little love struck and more than a little bit sick. The tinny lady continued until the beep.

"Uh, hi, uh, Hotch, it's -- it's JJ. I was uh, I was kind of… "JJ's words leaned together, creating a vaguely sloshy effect. She also kept losing her train of thought. "Wondering if, if I ever crossed your mind and I… I miss you. I miss us. I think we should give it another try. So, um, I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow." JJ didn't feel a sense of relief; she felt sick to her stomach. She staggered to her room, too tired to even rid herself of her clothes.

Naturally, Hotch prided himself on setting his phone ringer so loud it could wake up the sun, but he was so worn out, he'd fallen asleep through it. He'd missed JJ's call, and he didn't receive it until the next morning.

Hotch seemed more serious than his usual the next morning as he'd met with the team discussing their latest case. He'd delivered everything with an especial gravity he reserved for news of a death or a nature disaster. And his face was rigid even more than standard Hotch somberness.

JJ was unsure if he was masking his emotions even further than his nature, or if her call late last night had had something to do with it. She decided it needed investigation, or at least an apology and an explanation for why she'd drunk-dialed him.

She pulled him aside as he was heading to his office, presumably to call the Bourne Police department, seeing as the team was set to be leaving in thirty minutes. She spoke first, her words running together.

"Hotch, uh, I'm sorry about last night, I wasn't in my right state of mind, and I-- well, you know how it goes. It was late, and…" JJ trailed off. She'd forgotten her explanation and couldn't come up with anything more plausible than, "I love you please take me back we can make this work. " JJ couldn't meet his eyes. She felt deeply embarrassed. Hotch pulled her toward him and placed a kiss on her lips.

"Do you ever cross my mind?" Hotch repeated her past question with an incredulous almost-smile. "Jennifer, there's barely a day that goes by that you don't. " He gathered her against him in an embrace and she returned it, her arms secure around him. "I've missed you." He admitted. They both had the sense that nothing more needed to be said-- except one thing.

"Can we try this --us-- again?" JJ asked, hearing her own heart thump in her ears.

"Of course." Hotch replied, a rare Hotch Grin spreading across his face.