Twilight: The Abridged Version
The scene opens with Bella leaving her mother in Phoenix to stay with her father for completely unnecessary and unreasonable reasons. She is inappropriately dressed for the weather in Washington (clue in the name).
BELLA: So, mom, I'm going to leave you and your new hubby to have wild monkey sex while I partay with ma homies in Spoons – I mean Forks. I hope I don't catch my death in the cold weather up there. It will be all your fault for abandoning me for a new man.
RENEE: It's okay honey. I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends. Your father will be really happy to see you since you started refusing to see him about ten years ago for reasons no one will fully explain. See you in three books!
BELLA: See ya mom! I hope I don't meet my predestined mysterious love interest while I'm gone!
The plane journey is almost instantaneous and nothing happens, therefore is inconsequential. Bella's father, Charlie, is waiting with open, joyous arms for his beloved daughter to return to him.
BELLA: Hey Charlie. You don't understand me.
CHARLIE: That's right, Bells. Let's have a car journey and not bond and talk about the weather because we've suddenly become British!
AUTHOR: Fuck you...
BELLA: But that's so boring!
SMEYER: That's right, that's why it only takes about half a page in the book, and most of it is spent moping!
BELLA: It's so green! Arizona was all red and orange, so this place must be the antithesis of my entire previous life. Therefore I will become emotionally unstable and become obsessed with the first other emotionally unstable object I meet!
CHARLIE: We're home! I haven't been able to take the break-up with Renee, even though it's been like seventeen years. Man, I thought men were supposed to get over stuff like that a lot faster than women. Maybe I'm gay. That would explain my close, intimate relationship with Billy Black.
BELLA: That's great, Charlie. Now, let's talk about me. I require a new bedroom, a new bathroom, new clothes and shoes and new friends. Can you get me any of those?
CHARLIE: Nope, but I got you this shit truck!
BELLA: That's so unthoughtful of you. I hate you forever and will hereby refuse to discuss anything with you despite your attempts at good parenting.
CHARLIE: Will you at least call me dad?
BELLA: No.
CHARLIE: Oh yes, I invited my fuckbuddy – I mean, friend, over to meet you. And he's bringing his son, Jacob. Remember him?
BELLA: Is he hot?
CHARLIE: Not yet, but give him a book and a half and he will have a fan base equal to Edward's.
JACOB: I love you Bella!
BELLA: Right...Are you dark and mysterious?
JACOB: No. Well, not yet at least. In New Moon I get really hench and-
BELLA: I don't care! Bye-bye, then. Have a nice life in complete obscurity!
The rest of the scene is spent by Bella moping in her Barbie-themed room. This is inconsequential as well, so let's skip to the next day at school at lunch time.
MIKE: Hi, I'm Mike!
JESSICA: Hi, I'm Jessica!
BEN: Hi, I'm Ben!
ANGELA: Hi, I'm Angela!
M/J/B/A: We're your new friends even though we're really boring and highly exaggerated stereotypes of regular high school students!
BELLA: Bo-ring. Who can point me in the direction of the nearest hot guy?
MIKE: I think I love you, Bella.
BELLA: You aren't nearly emotionally traumatised enough to be a serious love interest. Next!
Five mysterious teenagers (four of whom look like they're actually in their mid-twenties) walk through the canteen doors. They all sport unnecessarily large hair, protruding fangs and have a particularly moody, angst-ridden aura about them. They sit at a table a short distance away from Bella's to sip red liquid from hospital blood bags. Everyone in the room assumes it's just Ribena.
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: They're the Cullens. They're really dark and mysterious, they live in the woods, always pass their exams like they've taken them three hundred times, and they're super-duper hot.
BELLA: Wow, I think I just found my potential love interest. And it's only the first day of school! Who's the hot ginger guy?
JESSICA: You find gingers attractive? That one's Edward Cullen. He's a complete douchebag. He's refused to go out with me every day for the last three years. I guess no normal girl in this school is good enough for him.
BELLA: Well, thank Jesus because I'm no ordinary girl. I will go a-wooing now! Sorry friends, but you aren't nearly interesting enough for me! Toodles!
Bella walks over to the table where the Cullens are sitting, falling over a football, a cactus and a small child on her way. This is to emphasise a clumsiness she has never before displayed. It must be love.
BELLA: Hello, future husband!
ALICE: Do not do it Edward! She is destined to become one of us! I think I will make this obvious because it is in fact Smeyer's fantasy and it will save dubious male readers the pain of waiting four books to find out. But seriously, do you want to be stuck with her for all eternity?
BELLA: Yay! Does this mean we're going out now?
SMEYER: Remember kids, you have no free will and God – I mean, Fate has already decided who you will fall in love with and marry. See you in Hell!
EDWARD: I'm too busy looking dark and brooding and warding off fan girls. Maybe I'll consider it if you can work out if I'm a vampire or not (totally).
BELLA: Yay! Obvious and boring plot!
Bella spends all night looking at Yaoi on and reading bad fan fictions about Marik and Bakura. Eventually, she remembers what she was supposed to be doing and googles 'vampire'. There are over 666 million hits. After trolling various websites for any vague information, she comes to the conclusion that Edward cannot be a vampire because she has seen him go out in the Sun and was not distracted by Smeyer's use of the word 'God'. She goes to bed and has an annoying dream-based revelation. This is the dream:
BELLA: Oh my God!
SMEYER: DO NOT BLASPHEME!
BELLA: Oh my Edward!
SMEYER: That's better...
BELLA: Edward and a furry version of Jacob are wrestling in a vat of baked beans! My fantasies are coming true!
SMEYER: WHICH MEANS...
BELLA: It was so obvious! How could I/the audience not have seen it before! I mean, it was on the back cover for Edward's sake...
The author of this version is now mentally scarred and will refrain from exploring the Edward Cullen vs. FURRY!Jacob baked bean wrestling scene any further. Bella wakes up and decides to confront Edward about being a vampire. For some reason, she decides to do so in a remote area of forest...where nobody can hear her scream.
BELLA: I know what you are...
EDWARD: Say it...out loud.
BELLA: Gay.
EDWARD: You're right...Wait a sec. What?
BELLA: It's okay, my dad's gay too. Maybe-
EDWARD: NO, I am not gay. I'm a vampire. Duh.
BELLA: Seriously?
EDWARD: Yeah.
BELLA: Well, in that case, I WUV U!111!1!
EDWARD: ME 2!1!11!1!one! I will take this random opportunity to give an unnecessary display of power and explain my speshulful abilities.
AUTHOR: So it's basically fan service?
EDWARD: Basically. Well, we're super fast, super strong, live forever and sometimes have speshulful powers. Oh, and we sparkle.
AUTHOR: So you have just basically ignored all the perfectly good European folklore in favour of these random pixie things? Wow, it's soo original...
SMEYER: It's original.
AUTHOR: It's stupid. They aren't vampires. Drinking blood does not make you a vampire, it makes you a haematophage.
SMEYER: My fragile brain doesn't understand...
BELLA: Kewl! I wanna be a vampire! I wanna be a vampire!
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: You'll change your mind in about three books time...
They proceed to smooch in a most unholy fashion. This has been censored to prevent the author going insane.
EDWARD: Baseball time!
BELLA: Yay! A convenient time for me to be introduced to your family!
ALICE: I'm Alice. I'm married to Jasper and I can see into the future, which isn't really that good because it's not fixed, therefore rendering my powers practically useless and weak in comparison to all the male characters' powers.
JASPER: I'm Jasper. I'm married to Alice and I can control people's emotions. This means I can mind-rape whoever I want all the time. I'm also permanently constipated.
ROSALIE: I'm Rosalie. I don't have any powers because I'm a weak and useless woman. I'm Emmett's bitch. I don't like you.
EMMETT: I'm Emmett. I'm ridiculously masculine but have almost no fan following because I'm such a minor character. I'm married to Rosalie's ass.
CARLISLE: I'm supposedly from Tudor England, but I have no accent and am called Carlisle, therefore Smeyer obviously didn't do her research. I'm sexually attracted to teenagers.
ESME: I'm Esme. I don't do anything.
BELLA: Yay! Let's get married!
EDWARD: Nah, let's milk the fan girls for all they're worth and drag out the obvious ending for another three books!
SMEYER: That's my perverted abusive stalker teenage boy that I'd totally leave my husband to be with!
ALICE: Oh no! Some evil vampires are on their way to kill Bella!
EDWARD: But I love her! Nothing can tear us apart!
SMEYER: And I already have a four-book contract!
JAMES: I am evil, as announced by my complete and unnecessary lack of shirt!
LAURENT: I am evil, as announced by my French name!
VICTORIA: I am evil, but this is never really explained!
J/L/V: Let's kill Bella for no apparent reason!
BELLA: RUN AWAY!1!1one!one!1!eleven!
At the Cullen's house, which turns out not to be the actual woods but is close enough to count.
CARLISLE: They are evil because they're not vegetarian vampires!
BELLA: What the hell?
EDWARD: I am a tortured soul, therefore I have sworn off human blood and prefer to kill innocent fluffy woodland critters to feed my insatiable lust for blood!
AUTHOR: Lolwut? Then you aren't really vegetarian, then?
SMEYER: Stop pointing out my obvious failures! You British idiots don't know what you're doing to my franchise! I intend to make millions from innocent tween girls – and their mothers!
Author: I'm going to back away slowly...
LAURENT: I'm pretending to be good! James is really good at hunting, by the way.
BELLA: Oh no! What should we do! He is obviously superior to the combined forces of five vampires!
EDWARD: Alice will take you to some random hotel somewhere. Don't do anything stupid.
A random hotel in Phoenix.
BELLA: I'm so bored!
JASPER: I hate this. I'm not getting any hot vampire sex with her around.
ALICE: I have forseen that you will-
SMEYER: This has been censored because it might offend stupid American tweenagers and their mothers.
The phone rings.
BELLA: Hello? This is Isabella Marie Swan, aged 17, and I'm totally delicious and full of red, juicy blood. Wanna bite?
JAMES: Actually, yes. Meet me at the old creepy Ballet studio where I have your mother, who I will proceed to kill if you don't do exactly as I say!
BELLA: Whatever you say, master!
Bella somehow manages to sneak past Jasper and Alice and goes to the Ballet studio. It is creepy. James is dancing to 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' in a pink tutu and tights.
JAMES: I WASN'T DANCING BALLET!
BELLA: Riiiight. Now, where's my mother!
JAMES: Do you really think I have the balls to actually kidnap someone? Firstly, it might offend stupid American tweens and their mothers, therefore damaging the great Smeyer's sales. Secondly, I was just learning Ballet, therefore was way too busy to actually kidnap someone.
BELLA: Please don't kill me!
JAMES: Of course I won't! I'll just give the fans a small hint at what is going to happen in book four by biting you.
BELLA: Okay!
There is a large battle. James bites Bella, who starts screaming and foaming at the mouth. The author takes a moment to laugh at her pain.
EDWARD: Bella! I will save you, my love!
ALICE: I'm here too, but because I'm a woman I will take no part in fighting because that's a man's job.
There is another large battle. Edward rips James into little pieces. However, most of this is censored because it might offend stupid American tweens and their mothers.
EDWARD: No! She has been bitten! I cannot possibly do anything!
CARLISLE: You must suck the venom out!
EDWARD: But I am not strong enough!
BELLA: I don't care!
Edward gives Bella's arm a hickey.
BELLA: Yay! I'm alive! Let's go to prom!
At prom.
BELLA: Will you turn me now?
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: Pwease?
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: Now?
EDWARD: Still no.
And thus ends instalment #1 of TTAV. Hope you enjoyed it.