AN: So this is a really, really old fanfiction I wrote.. like 8 to 10 years ago actually. I found it again and decided to rewrite it. This is Faith's POV. Characters are not mine, they belong to Joss Whedon. I don't own the song either!
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I'm out of jail for about a month now and I still haven't heard anything about B. She never called me but she hasn't come here to kill me either. Nothing. If I must be honest, I'm actually getting worried. I mean, wouldn't you be? When I talked to Angel about this matter, he just said that it was nothing. I shouldn't be worried about it since he had called Buffy the other day and she actually wished me good luck. The brooding guy just forgot to mention it to me..
It's already dark outside but I'm in no mood to go slaying. Actually, I'm not in the mood for anything. All I want to do is sit here and stare outside the window. The radio is playing some forgotten song, something I heard a lot while I was in prison but I never paid attention to the lyrics. Until now.
You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try
Why should I try? I know that I can't break this spell I'm under. I chuckle as I'm finally admitting that I'm in love with Buffy and that I really can't help it. I must say it's true though. When Buffy looks into my eyes, I just lose control of my mind. Perhaps it's one piece of the puzzle, one of the reasons why I killed Finch in that alley. But then again, I paid for my crime. I did my time in prison, just like B wanted me to. Surely, I had enough time in prison to think about the mistakes I've made in my entire lifetime but I just can't seem to understand why I did the things I did. If I love her so much, why did I end up hurting her so badly? She was everything that I needed but she never wanted me the same way. Her friends had locked me out of their gang and she joined them. Perhaps she was even the leader, commanding them to leave me out of it. Maybe that's a piece of the answer. Perhaps that's the sole reason why I hurt her as much as I have.
I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in
And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time
All of the bad memories of us are coming back to me. I can still remember the hurt look she had on her face when I turned myself in. She asked me to, pleaded me, and I really wanted to pay for all of the hurt I had put us both through. I wanted to pay for asking Angel to end it all for me. To put a stop to all of the hurting. To my life. All I wanted was to never feel this pain again but I know it wouldn't have been fair if he had done so.
When I was in prison, he passed his wisdom over to me. He learned me to deal with all of the pain and I did everything he had taught me. Now I've changed, I've become a grown woman who's living with the pain inside. Some people just don't seem to care how much I've really changed. They don't seem to care how much the past has hurt me as well. Hell, they wouldn't even be willing to understand.
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
My eyes widen in shock as I realize that this song is creeping me out. Every time I think about the things I did, the reasons why.. I shake my thoughts away as I really don't want to go there tonight. I should actually remember this song as it's written for me. I have my own body song! I should tell this to Angel when I have the chance. Maybe he will laugh at me but I honestly don't care. He'll be jealous because he doesn't have his own body song, I mean, like anyone is going to write a song about a vampire with a soul. People must be really crazy if they do! People like me.. There we go again, brooding much lately Faith?
Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby
Help me baby
Every time Buffy would whisper something to me, I always felt a cold shiver running through my spine. Just like the one I'm having now. Sometimes I wish she was here, sitting next to me. Staring at me with those beautiful eyes, telling me how she forgives me for all the mistakes I have ever made. At least then I would be able to face my own demon and tell her exactly how I feel. Explain to her why I did all of those horrible things to her and her friends. Most of all, why I did it to myself. Why I never ran to her when I needed her the most, instead I ran away from her.
Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Flowing into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind
I suppose that's what happened to me. I was slipping away and when I looked in her eyes - I saw nothing. No friendship, no love, not even hate. Until she came too close to me and I couldn't handle it. So I just lost control of my mind. Then I disappeared out of her life but she came after me. I'm still wondering why she came after me..
There's a small knock on my door and suddenly my entire body is tingling. I really must be going out of my mind right now. I stand up from the bed to open the door and when I do, I'm frozen. I'm shocked and I can't move. I can't breathe. Could it be that she heard my prayer? Don't be silly Faith, slayer hearing is awesome but not that awesome.
"Faith?" She looks at me with those emerald eyes of hers, god knows how much I've missed those eyes. "FAITH?! Is there something wrong?" I blink with my eyes but the hallway is empty. Did I just dream this?
"Faith, seriously. Stop spacing out on me." I turn around to the voice behind me and notice that she's sitting on my bed.
I'm lost in you
I'm lost in you
I'm lost in everything about you
So deep (so deep), I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
As the song ends, I'm back to reality. For real now. "I'm sorry. I was just.. thinking.. About what I should say.. I should...", I can't hide how nervous I am at this point. The words won't even come out right. "It's alright Faith. I understand you know. I feel your pain at night.", she looks at her hands momentarily and her eyes are locked on mine again, "You're not the only one with nightmares. We both wake up with tears in our eyes. The guilt keeps washing over us and the pain is worse when you think about me. I should be the one who's saying sorry, not you."
I take a deep breath as I don't remember holding it and sit down next to her. I have no clue what to do, what to say. I'm at loss. I need to choice my words wisely, so I don't hurt her more than I already have. Suddenly her hand is covering mine and she tells me the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
"Faith, no matter what happened back then, the past is in the past now. We can't change it, no matter how much we would want it to change. We can change the future though if you let me. I want you to be in my future. I want you in my life Faith and more than anything, I want you by my side at night."
I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped somewhere in the middle and my eyes have gone wide open in shock. And as I'm still trying to register what she said and what she means by it, she continues.
"Faith, I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time now but I never felt.. ready. So can you please hear me out?" I can't seem to find my voice so I just nod carefully as I can hear her heart beating faster and faster by the minute.
"When I first met you, outside of the Bronze, I was in awe. I wanted to know who this girl was. Days passed by and our connection just grew. At least from my side it felt that it was growing steadily. When I found you here, with Angel, I wasn't angry by what it could mean. I was angry that you left, you just left me all alone to myself and.. I couldn't deal with that. When you turned yourself in, I knew I had lost everything. You left me and I knew for sure that I couldn't deal with it. I know you've changed Faith, we both have. But something inside of me hasn't changed. I might even love you more now then I've loved you before..."
And I'm gone, I've officially left the building. Or at least my mind has as its spinning out of control now. Maybe I should pinch myself, I mean, I could be dreaming all of this. In fact, it's more likely that this is just a dream and not reality. I pinch myself and flinch when it hurts. Emerald eyes are staring at me, waiting for a reply but I can't. I said before that I would face my own demons if she sat next to me but now that this moment is actually here... How was I supposed to know that she would confess something like.. Something this HUGE! Get a grip Faith, just breathe deeply in and out and say something to the poor girl!
"Me too..", and that's the only reply I had in my mind. I glance at Buffy, who's now flashing her genuine smile at me. Suddenly her soft lips are pressing on mine and I close my eyes. Baby I'm too lost in you..