First thing on the list is to thank all the wonderful people who read and reviewed my one shot "A scandal by texting". If you still haven't, you're welcome to do it anytime. Guesses about Sherlock's last message have put you in a good mood too ;)
Should I write something related to those cunning/deflective texts from your favorite mastermind?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Sherlock (sad news for me). I'm just borrowing these brilliant characters. All credit goes to Sir Conan Doyle, Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. I only own my idea. Besides, all of this is for the fun of writing.
Summary: Did your windows just exploded and you need to attend your bloodied nose? Want some help catching serial killers; prove a point and blog about it? Are you tired of doing mundane things like shopping by yourself? Read this manual and your troubles will be solved! R&R.
JOHN WATSON:
User Guide and Operating Instructions
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated John Watson unit from SCD Mystery 221B Industries. To be certain that you can vastly benefit of your loveable doctor/deadly army soldier, please read carefully and pay attention to the following instructions.
Section I: Basic Information
Name: John Hamish Watson, "Doctor Watson", "Captain Watson", "soldier", "Blogger", "idiot", "pet", "Boswell". In the worst of cases "Confirmed Bachelor", but refrain from ever telling him that if you value your life and don't want a punch in the face.
Date of Manufacture: Unknown (The Harry unit doesn't talk much when she's in drinking mode. Which is sadly most of the time.)
Place of Manufacture London 1.0: Someplace in England, perhaps Chelmsford.
Place of Manufacture WarCamp 2.0: Somewhere in Afghanistan.
Professional Profile: Left medical school with a MBBS and continued his medical career in the army training as a GP while being a member of the RAMC, got dreadfully bored and started a military career instead to be in the field.
Psychological and physical status: Due to unfortunate circumstances in the original place of manufacture, the John Watson unit needed to be transferred urgently to a distinct factory for optimization. However, the software installed crashed on site affecting the unit's left shoulder and his right leg with a psychosomatic limp. A new group of updates were developed after the unit was launched. Read section IV for further details.
Weight: Not defined. Usually average, but It tends to vary as the interrupted meals happen frequently when he teams up with the Sherlock unit.
Height: 5' 7"
Your John Watson unitcomes with the following accessories:
-1 Sig Sauer P226R semi-automatic pistol with ammunition
-1 walking stick
-1 R530 red Samsung laptop
-1 secondhand and scratched Nokia N97 Smartphone
-1 Ledco black Led lenser 8407 P7
-1 RAMC white coffee mug
-1 Tag Heuer Monaco Chronograph Automatic CS2111 watch
-Set of clothes that include jumpers, jackets, shirts, trousers, shoes, etc.
As soon as you open your John Watson unit for the first time he will be wary, curious and mostly quiet. You'll notice him to be bored and troubled as if he were looking for something.
Also don't forget to reassure him it would be great if he were to start his own blog to feel more at ease with things happening to him. Do make it your goal to insist upon it.
Cleaning and Polishing: Your John Watson unit is perfectly able to clean himself with care, however if you think he needs instructing… You'll have to do it at your own risk with unpredictable consequences.
Section II: Unit Settings
This segment covers functions placed in your John Watson unit by default and modes that can be adjusted according to your preference and necessities.
Section IIA: Functions
Your John Watson unit is energetic and dynamic. This unit can operate under three main predetermined functions:
-Flatmate: He is the most enduring, accepting and accommodating companion that can put up with your screaming when you watch crap telly, or you even talking to a skull; your callous deductions of his acquaintances, you playing the violin in ungodly hours or you making silent agreements when he's on the other side of the country.
-Bodyguard/Protector: As a pre-programmed war hero he has nerves of steel and is acclimatized to violence, works better than a sniper and backs you up if somebody else puts you in imminent danger. Though, you must be aware to not get on his grumpy side, unless you want to become his own target in one of his bad days.
-Conductor of light: In the middle of a thinking process he'll give you amazing and fantastic ideas that are quite unbeatable to your own train of thought. Beware of not overdoing your compliments to him, but don't spoil the moment either with another uncivil comeback.
Section IIB: Modes and Sub Modes
Your John Watson unit comes with six different modes:
-Friend: Mode is initiated on any daily basic situations. He can tease, laugh and offer comfort when necessary. He is ready to contribute with his insight whether you're willing to listen or not, if he feels he must do it. He'll also lecture you while doing something incredibly foolish and will always believe in you. It is impossible for him to be dissuaded in his loyalty. He'll also do the shopping and ask for your credit card after having rows with the chip and pin machine.
This mode is compatible with different units which are sold separately.
Top Recommendations: Sherlock Holmes unit and Mrs. Hudson unit.
Other recommendations: Greg Lestrade unit, Molly Hooper unit, Bill Murray unit and Mike Stamford unit.
-Colleague: Mode activated for working out business matters. He's always available to provide help as a teammate, regardless the absurd hours (most of the time). Supports you when you're being reasonable, but he will debate if he considers you're wrong.
This mode is compatible with different units which are sold separately.
Top Recommendations: Sherlock Holmes unit and Greg Lestrade unit.
Other recommendations: Molly Hooper unit and Mike Stamford unit.
-Advisor: Mode launchs when in company and does remind you to be human when you're overstepping the common social niceties. He guides you in mundane topics where you lack serious knowledge to solve a case or answer a question that eludes you.
This mode is compatible with different units which are sold separately.
Top Recommendations: Sherlock Holmes unit.
Other recommendations: Harry Watson unit.
-Lover: Mode sets in motion when he's near charming female units. This mode can have trouble being stable when your unit is also running his flatmate functions and it won't get any better if the friend mode has been activated previously.
This mode is compatible with different units which are sold separately.
Top Recommendation: Mary Morstan* unit.
Other recommendations: Saran Sawyer unit and Jeanette unit.
-Blogger: Mode activates when narrating via internet every adventure he goes through with you. He'll get into details on how you handle yourself out of any exciting/ critical situations. He'll get around the whole thing with an extensive amount of creative writing skills. He'll make you so popular that you'll be in the newspaper and sought after when you're working a new case.
This mode is compatible with different units which are sold separately.
Top Recommendations: Bill Murray unit, Mike Stamford unit, Mrs. Hudson unit, Harry Watson unit, Sherlock Holmes unit and Greg Lestrade unit.
Other recommendations: Sally Donovan unit.
-Doctor: Mode initiated at the moment he detects problems with your or anybody's health and even unhealthy habits. He'll always hide cigarettes and limit your usage of nicotine patches; he'll recommend rest and ignore your comments if you're drugged or ill.
Top Recommendations: Sherlock Holmes unit, Mrs. Hudson unit.
-Soldier: Mode launches when in touch with lethal weapons or if he can sense to be in perilous circumstances. Harpoons are also taken away to avoid incidents in the Tube and guns are also confiscated to save walls. Pulls rank if necessary to oppose resistance too.
Top Recommendations: Sherlock Holmes unit and Mycroft Holmes unit.
Special Sub-Modes:
These Sub Modes work with either mode turned on. They complement functions and modes running.
-Expletive: While he works on any mode he'll automatically turn on his expletive sub mode to control and express his annoyance and impatience.
-Yelling: While he works on any mode he'll automatically turn on his yelling mode to control and express his annoyance and impatience.
-Silent: This sub mode should get you worried; it is only turned on when your John Watson isn't really in the mood to run the other sub modes.
-Crying: This sub-mode rarely activates shedding a couple of tears and sobs. It only shows in extreme helpless occasions when nothing can be done.
-Despair: In this sub-mode your unit's eyes clear and will stutter for a while.
-Shock: This sub-mode freezes your John Watson unit rendering him speechless.
Section III: Compatibility and reaction to other units
-Sherlock Holmes: This unit is the John Watson unit's best friend. The John Watson unit utterly believes in him and thinks he has an exceptional mind. He's greatly impressed by his deductions too. When they team up there is a tendency for them to be shot at or covered in Semtex and threatened to explode to a million pieces.
-Mrs. Hudson, "Mrs. H": This unit is a mother figure to John. The Mrs. Hudson unit will always encourage him to get along with the Sherlock unit and will spoil them with motherly affection. Not recommended to ask for biscuits or tea when she's in landlady mode.
-Mike Stamford: This unit is an old friend of the John Watson unitand they get along quite well.
-Sarah Sawyer: This unit is one of John's known love interests. She's a doctor he met when he got his first job after returning to London. Not fully compatible with John's love mode.
-Jeanette: This unit is another of John's known love interests. She's a teacher. Not fully compatible with John's love mode.
-Irene Adler, "The Woman": If you purchase this unit you must proceed with caution. It is extremely incompatible with the John Watson unit and his reactions to the Woman will always fluctuate. Your John Watson unit will try his best to uncover any scheme when this unit is under her Dominatrix functions. If the Sherlock unit is close he'll be working on protector/bodyguard functions. If the Irene Adler unit is under Let's have dinner mode, flirting mode or Moriarity's little puppet mode John's friend mode and advisor mode will be automatically activated.
-Greg Lestrade: The Greg Lestrade unit and John Watson unit get along very well when working.
-Sally Donovan: The John Watson unit is not really compatible with this unit. Proceed with extreme caution as John will shut off his friend mode and switch to soldier mode if angered. The Greg Lestrade unit is always recommended to remain within reach to avoid any disaster.
-Anderson: The John Watson unit doesn't even bother to talk to this unit. He's indifferent and secretly applauds the Sherlock unit when he runs the detective functions under his beastly deduction mode and his ridiculous annoying mode every time he reveals the Anderson's unit affair with the Sally Donovan unit.
-Dimmock: The Dimmock unit and John Watson unit get along when working most of time. Unless the unit isn't as helpful as the Greg Lestrade unit is, there will be trouble.
-Molly Hooper: There's no compatibility issue with this unit, though the John Watson unit is puzzled when she doesn't remember his name.
-Mycroft Holmes: We're still working on compatibility issues with this unit. The outcome is unpredictable and the John Watson unit rarely appears out of his soldier mode when in touch with the Mycroft Holmes unit. It is also not uncommon that this unit gets to anger the soldier too.
-Anthea: One of John's fleeting interests. Unfortunately the Anthea unit's autopilot functions in obsessive blackberry mode are not really compatible with John's love mode.
-James aka "Jim" Moriarty: This unit is hopelessly incompatible. Be warned; do not purchase this unit unless there is a Sherlock unit to back him up. Otherwise the John Watson unit will be covered in Semtex and without any possible way of escape.
-Kitty Riley: Another unit terribly incompatible. Your John Watson unit will be prone to argue with this make believe journalist.
-Harry Watson: Partial compatibility acquired. The John Watson unit isn't fond of this unit's Party Animal functions or his drinking mode.
-Bill Murray: Without incompatibility episodes. The Bill Murray unit does have John's respect and gratitude for saving him when his Warcamp 2.0 optimization failed.
Units to come* and ready for Pre-Orders…
-Mary Morstan: Has the best compatibility with John's love mode and runs a full supportive mode while she admires his friend mode and protector/bodyguard functions.
Section IV: Troubleshooting
As solutions weren't ready before the launching date, online updating is available for your John Watson unit totally free and you have the privilege of a premium Science of Deduction account and password detailed below for the next twenty four months. Be sure to enable John's phone Bluetooth and to have the Sherlock unit nearby for the updates to launch and work properly.
Update1: 541NT B4RT5 L4B [DOWNLOAD]
Update2: B4K3R 5TR33T 221B [DOWNLOAD]
Update3: 22 N0RTHUMB3RL4ND 5TR33T [DOWNLOAD]
LOGIN: C4PT41N-FL4TM4T3
PASSWORD: MURD3RC4535
Section V: Adrenaline Apps Centre
With your Science of Deduction premium account you also gain access to download our Adrenaline Apps Centre which helps your John Watson unit to remain entertained as well as enhanced in his everyday life, crime and medical world. There are free version and professional edition applications with a preferential fee available.
Top 25 Recommendations:
-Toddler Manager Pro[DOWNLOAD]
-Bad Day -Out of this World Repeller [DOWNLOAD]
-Anger Manager Pro [DOWNLOAD]
-Shopper Manager Ultra [DOWNLOAD]
-Professional Ignorer Deluxe [DOWNLOAD]
-Deduction Scanner Pro [DOWNLOAD]
-Mind Palace Amateur Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-Smuggler Code breaker Pro [DOWNLOAD]
-Bee Gees Repeller Limited Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-Git-Clot Antivirus 2013 [DOWNLOAD]
-Escape Routes 2013 [DOWNLOAD]
-Anti Psycho Shield Protector 2013 [DOWNLOAD]
-Cigarette Hider Genius [DOWNLOAD]
-Chip & Pin machine bomber Platinum Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-SH Text Filter Special Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-Sociopath Translator Deluxe [DOWNLOAD]
-Annoyance Remover Gold [DOWNLOAD]
-Mycroft Antispyware Platinum [DOWNLOAD]
-Jim Antimalware Beta Plus [DOWNLOAD]
-Dates Saver Ultimate [DOWNLOAD]
-Male Hetero Advertiser Beta [DOWNLOAD]
-Idiot Smacker Steel Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-Human Tamer Blue Edition [DOWNLOAD]
-Human Inducer Ultimate [DOWNLOAD]
-Experiment Sweeper Plus [DOWNLOAD]
Section VI: Warning
For your own mental health take care to follow the list below to keep your John Watson unit happy. The unit has been thoroughly tested, but we warn you that his Flatmate function and friend mode tend to erratically shut off when you do anything mentioned in the Contraindications list.
Contraindications
-Do not even utter to him he is a confirmed bachelor.
-Do not shoot the wall when you are bored. He'll go through all his special yelling and expletive sub-modes to stop you.
-Do not use his laptop even if you can deduce his password.
-Do not ridicule his work as a blogger.
-Do not leave a severed head in the fridge.
-Do not try to disrupt a date of his.
-Do not dare to flaunter yourself naked to make an impression, it gravely annoys him.
-Do not attempt to bribe him to spy on someone.
-Do not play games when lives are in danger.
-Do not, under any circumstance trick/drug/scare him to prove a theory.
-Do not display the look without explaining your fortuitous discoveries.
-Do not even dare to accuse his best friend of being a fake.
-Do not, in one way or another jump from a building and make him watch you.
Section VII: FAQ's
Q: My John Watson unit has been extremely depressed and won't talk to anybody at all! How do I even make him eat before he kills himself?!
A: You can already place your Pre-order on a Mary Morstan unit to make him happy again. He'll need her until he figures out that the Sherlock unit will return.
Q: My John Watson unit won't stop ranting that there are too many bloody body parts in the fridge and my Sherlock unit refuses to clean anything. How can I make the rant and un-cooperating issue stop?
A: Get a Mrs. Hudson unit ASAP. She'll tear their ears apart if necessary.
Q: My John Watson unit is falling asleep in plain light of day. What should I do to assure myself he's ok?
A: Just tell the Sherlock unit you'll take away his tobacco ashes and nicotine patches if he doesn't let the John unit sleep at all. If that isn't incentive enough, call the Greg Lestrade unit to let him know he won't be calling him to consult in cases with the Yard. And if even that isn't working threaten him on calling the Mycroft unit; it always works like a charm.
Section VIII: Warranty
With the appropriate amount of care and dedication your John Watson unit will live unsurprisingly happy and energetic over the years till he dies of old age, unless he gets shot or heartbreak takes the life away from him first.
If the John Watson unit doesn't meet your standards and becomes dull to you, you're free to return it to SCD Mystery 221B Industries and get a full refund within the eighteen months after your purchase and presenting your respective bill.
Note on John's profile:
I really know there are inconsistencies with John's CV and the timeline in the Sherlock series, but after doing some research to make things sound and believable.
I comment on John being a GP/General Practitioner, a family doctor (U.S.A.) if you will. It fits with his locum job stated during season one where he is a GP. Besides you can't switch from one field to another without having to start all over again. He's qualified and is registered already in the GMC. Being a locum doctor is a well-paid job and helps with the bills. Also, that's why he has time to spend around with Sherlock: he's self-employed. It also explains why he travels too (In ASiB he says he was in Dublin): He's not limited to one place to do his job.
John mentions he was an army doctor in ASiP. The most probable thing that happened was that he was dually accepted in his Medical School and a Medical Cadetship (sponsor program that pays education in exchange of 7 years of service). While this happened, his options were limited when he had to specialize. And honestly, he needed to know the right people if he wanted a chance in another more interesting branch for him (surgery?). Skills are not the only thing that counts in this world.
Why is he still a Captain in rank?
Reason 1: Ranks for a GP takes at least 3 years and all army doctors going through specialist training get the rank of Major and above…But the rank of Captain is reserved solely for Core Trainees (Senior House Officers in John's days). This profile matches as this group come out of medical school to go through night shifts, emergencies, general medical/ surgical cases and accidents. In few words: far too much for a life time. He must have gotten the rank of Major later, but it is only an administrative rank.
Reason 2: I definitely believe he got utterly bored out of his mind. He began a career as a military officer after his 7 year contract with the army was over. This suits with him being 30. Then he trained and served for 6 years mostly in Afghanistan as a combatant. That's why we have a BAMF John Watson when he has a handgun. Another reason for him being a Captain is that he dropped his previous rank in the RAMC and started again as a Second Lieutenant to be then promoted to Lieutenant and finally Captain.
Why was he sent back? Doctors aren't sent back because of an injury.
He wasn't serving as a doctor, but as a soldier. This doesn't happen to Medical Officers as they don't really see the line of fire… He basically couldn't function even as a doctor, because of his mental health and had to end his days as a combatant permanently.
Author's note: And that's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I had fun writing it. I felt I needed to elaborate on John's profile and why I put the data on the Manual's first section. Please review after you're done and let me know your thoughts. I really appreciate feedback as I enjoy giving it every time I go through a story.
Happy reading and writing to all of you :)
—Noukinav018—