Title : When It Thunders and The Monkey Runs
Disclaimer : Me no own, You no sue.
Warning : Angst, language.
Note : This was one of those stories where you just stare unfocused at the screen and let your fingers do all the work. I had to edit it a few days later just to make sure I would be able to do the job properly .
-z-
The monkey is gone.
The monkey is gone and it is raining raining raining.
The monkey is gone and it is raining raining raining and all I can see is the blood on my hands and all I can hear is the thunder and rain tap tap tapping at the window.
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Where did that monkey go?
Where did that monkey go because the blood is starting to run down my arm and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold it together.
That damned monkey -- that stupid, idiotic, annoying, pestering, obnoxious, loud, I'm-hungry-will-you-buy-me-a-meat bun? monkey!
But blood can always be washed away, it's the thunder and the sound of that damned tap tap tapping rain that will not be drowned out and I can feel my sanity slipping away. And, guess what the kicker is? I'm out of cigarettes.
I'm out of cigarettes and the monkey still hasn't come back and I know that it was my fault but that isn't supposed to mean anything. It's always my fault, not that Goku ever really cared in the first place. He'll come back and ask for a meat bun and I'll yell and cuss at him and growl under my breath and then, then I'll buy him a stupid meat bun.
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The monkey is gone.
The monkey is gone and Gojyo is blaming me.
The monkey is gone and Gojyo is blaming me, blaming me, blaming me, and it doesn't matter too much right now because the nightmares are steadily becoming worse and worse and worse and Hakkai can only smile and placate Gojyo and wonder and worry about the monkey.
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Homura was trying to re-train Goku, trying to get into his head and smudge Goku's image of me. I know it won't work but that doesn't mean it bothers me any less.
Goku looks at me; he's searching searching searching for something I can offer. I don't have anything for him though. All I can do is look after him and feed him and clothe him. And in return, he'll follow me around and annoy me and beg for food like the little monkey he is.
So I put my hand on his head and he knows that it's the closest thing to a hug he'll ever get from me. I'm not big on gestures of intimacy, especially in front of the enemy.
He says my name, a whisper on the wind, and I know that he's back and suddenly the rain doesn't seem that bad anymore. The memories of my failure as a child have receded once again and I am left to try to piece whatever is left of me back together. Luckily though, I have help. Goku will stand by me. He will stand by me and give me strength if I need it and he will defend me and I will feed him and he will forever chase away the nightmares.
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The monkey is back.
The monkey is back and the sun is shining shining shining.
The monkey is back and the sun is shining shining shining and we're on the road again and things are as normal as can be and I no longer dream of all that blood on my hands and thunder in my ears and rain at the window. I can dream instead of nothingness, of a black abyss where there are no worries and there are no sounds and I can finally let down my guard.
Isn't that all anyone can ask for?
-z-