AN: Premised on friendmanced Anders by fHawke, with Carver dead for added drama. Solona Amell is Chancellor of Ferelden.
"Love, it's too dangerous for you. It's not too late to follow Aveline back to Ferelden. You deserve a better life."
Anders was frantic. He had spent the better part of the evening tending to Hawke's wounds, and it had taken all his effort to keep her alive. At any cost.
Hawke had, of course, defended Anders for a year since the Gallows, shielding him from the vengeance of the Templars and the mob. In the end, even Aveline left, angry at her for refusing to leave the man she believed responsible for all the chaos. She had pulled Anders by the arm, commanding and begging him to take Hawke to the Royal Court of Ferelden, where she thought Hawke would be safest. How he wished he had listened to Aveline.
The apostates' most recent skirmish was against forty Starkhaven mercenaries, sent by Sebastian. They were also the cleverest, pretending to be sympathizers but turned on Hawke two days later. Sebastian must have briefed them on how to win Hawke's trust. She suffered severe burns on top of several lacerations. Anders had barely saved her then, and now, she ran a slight fever. He lit a fire to keep the cave's dampness from seeping to her bones and set his healing magic on her.
"Sebastian has rallied all the cities and mercenaries of the Free Marches against us," he said as he helped her change her robes. "I wouldn't even be surprised if he loses Starkhaven's wealth to the Antivan Crows just to get us. You should flee to Ferelden, find refuge with the King. Surely, he will not deny you!"
"King Alistair can't do much against Sebastian," said Hawke sadly. "And Cousin Amell… I've never met her. I can't ask them to endanger their State just to appease Starkhaven."
"She's Commander of the Grey, Hero of Ferelden, and wields more influence than half the Bannorn," Anders answered, copying Aveline's parting speech. "Not to mention the King's mistress, the power behind the throne. Only reason she's not queen is because she's a mage. But she's a good woman—she saved the Ferelden circle and Amaranthine despite all opposition. I've known her most of my life, love. And it's not like you're a refugee again, even Ferelden will acknowledge that you stopped the Qunari threat. All I ask in return now is that you seek her help… for the Cause."
"I won't go to Ferelden without you, love," Hawke said. She tried to sit up and motioned for Anders to get her some water. "Not even if Solona Amell is the only thing that stands between victory and defeat."
"And I won't risk Starkhaven's wrath on Ferelden, if I come with you," Anders said while helping her drink. "Not unless the Warden-Commander and the King are the only things that stand between victory and defeat. Sebastian wants me personally. He does not care at all for the war, nor will he support the Templars if he thought he could get at me by siding with the mages. He wants only vengeance for Elthina—the very paragon of the status quo! Innocent blood will not be spilled over some whim of a brat prince who cannot discern the people's plight and his blind faith for a rotten system that conveniently works for him. I WILL NOT HAVE IT!"
Anders started to glow blue, but calmed down after Hawke put her hand on his arm. "Anders, darling, remember that our cause is better fought with you focused on our cause."
"I love it when you go all hot-headed revolutionary," she cooed, but he brushed her aside.
"Love, you should have let the bastards kill me," he said. "You would have been safer. I will only hurt you more. The war would have erupted anyhow… the mages will be free, whether or not I die. The wheels are in motion. And already, the blood of innocents is on my hand."
Hawke caressed his face. "And it is not on mine? How many men and women have I slaughtered just because they followed some zealot's orders? I said I would kill every bastard who tries to get you, and I will, by the Maker. You are all that's left to me. Bethany, Carver, Mother… they're all gone. I failed to protect them. I will not fail you."
She adjusted her tunic to reveal the top of her chest, but frowned when he failed to notice. "Let's sleep now, love. We need to rendezvous with ze liberals from the University of Orlais tomorrow."
Anders forced a chuckle. He fixed their makeshift bed and pulled her blanket. Hopefully, by morning her fever would be gone. He lay next to her and watched her sleep. He studied the way her breasts rose and fell with every breath. He caressed her as she slept, and loved her soft moans. He was about to kiss her neck but thought the better of it. On another night he might have made love to her, but not now…
You know that Elthina deserved to die, as did her pawns in the Chantry. Elthina was everything that the old system was—complacent, spineless, deceiving, and ultimately cruel to the "cursed." The only curse of the mages was the fear of the people, spread by the Chantry's ignorance! Their lies would keep generations of the oppression for the mages. Sebastian deserves to die, too. He would defend only the way of life he was used to. He blindly adhered to the illusion that the Chantry was the solution to everything, resorted to petty vendetta when Elthina died, but never really had any conviction for anything. They all deserved to die for their crimes against the mages, for turning a blind eye to the crimes against the mages! But Hawke… she is another thing. Even I admit that now. I thought that she was only lusting after you—a dangerous distraction, the desires of the flesh. But she proved herself sincere, loyal, and forgiving, even after the great lie. She had always defended you, even against the Templars, Sebastian, the ire of the faithful and the coldness of her friends. She stayed by you when Aveline finally left, even if it shattered her heart. She deserves more, Anders… she deserves a comfortable life, far from these wretched caves where you hide, far from you, the fugitive rallying the rebels all over Thedas. Justice demands you give her more. LET HER GO!
Why do you keep pushing her away? I am happy with her! As she is with me!
Happiness? What need have you of happiness? The pursuit of happiness is not your life, it is the pursuit of the cause that is your life, our life! And if you are after her happiness, you should have let her leave. Think carefully and impartially. If you want Justice for her, she should be happy and safe, away from you and all that you represent. You should force her to safety, pull every string in your power to make her live a happy life. She deserves as much. Is there happiness in defending you from misguided zealots and mercenaries? Is there happiness in unduly risking her life for you? Is there any justice for her living a fugitive's life?
Justice, you do not understand happiness. You do not need to understand happiness. She, on the other hand, she understands the cause. She chose to fight for the cause. She is happy to fight for the cause. Have you not seen how, for a decade, she has fought for us? Surely, she understands the risk she took? Surely, this convinces you that she loves me. That love is stronger than—
Do you imply that Love is stronger than Justice?
Old friend, her sense of Justice is tied to her love. She could not have loved me if she didn't believe in the cause. She could not love me if she was not happy. Do you think she would be happy if she were back in her Hightown mansion, knowing full well the plight of our kind? Would she be happy as Viscountess of Kirkwall, a puppet to the Templars? Would she be happy if she fled back to Ferelden, hiding in her influential cousin's skirt? Oh, we both know Solona Amell would not find it in her heart to refuse Hawke. But Hawke would not leave me, nor the mages who need her, nor the cause.
And you, Anders, you wretched mortal, you would dare to think you know her soul?
I do not know her soul, spirit, not in the way you know mine. If you did, you might dictate that I stay with her, out of a sense of duty and justice. But that would not be love, would it, old friend? And maybe, if you still cannot comprehend why I love her, then you truly might not know my soul at all.