Note: After finishing Rhythm of Happiness, I've had pretty bad writer's block for a few weeks and I wanted to write something to get past it. Hence domestic au! :) This first part deals with the events after Nagisa's seventeenth birthday, so the domesticity will come later. Enjoy!
-Summer, Two Years Ago-
Creak, creak, scrape.
The sound of the swing's chains straining against each other, of sandaled feet dragging against sand. These were the only two sounds between them, a tall boy with dark blue hair and red glasses and a shorter boy with fluffy blonde hair, his burgundy eyes uncharacteristically thoughtful as they stared forward. Above them, the light of the nearby lamppost flickered, as if the bulb's life span was coming to an end.
They had stopped by the neighborhood playground because Nagisa said he had something important to say, but at the moment the older boy was silent. It made Rei nervous, seeing his best friend like this—after the time when Nagisa had run away from home, he could not help but be more watchful of the blond's mood and actions. Not that he thought Nagisa would run away from home again, but all the same, it worried Rei when his usually cheerful, talkative teammate was being quieter than usual.
But at least, Rei thought with relief, it didn't really seem like he was in a bad mood—at least, not with the lively time they had just had. Today was Nagisa's seventeenth birthday, and minutes earlier they had been heading home from the local diner after celebrating with Haru, Makoto, Gou, Rin, and even Ai, Momotarou, and Sousuke. The blond had been delighted with the strawberry-filled Iwatobi-chan cake, mostly the work of Haru and Rei himself (Makoto had attempted to help out but had somehow injured himself with the beater and was sent to the Nanases' living room). Not to mention all the penguin-themed presents he had received— considering that none of them had discussed what they were getting him, it had been a somewhat amazing feat. Nagisa had been immensely delighted when, coincidentally, Ai, Momotarou, and Sousuke presented him with the same baby penguin doll from the same aquarium gift shop. Along with the new Iwatobi-chan strap from Haru, penguin hoodie from Makoto, penguin-patterned wetsuit from Gou and Rin (the blond had been astonished to find out that it wasn't Rei's gift), and a less-flashy but cute penguin music box from Rei himself, the blond could have set up a penguin souvenir shop of his own. Of course, Nagisa had been scandalized by the mere playful suggestion ("No way I'm going to sell my own birthday gifts, Rei-chan!"), but he had joined in on the laughter soon enough. Back then the blond had been smiling, full of excited chatter and laughter as he tackled his friends with thank-you hugs and ate enough food to fill three average adult stomachs.
He was still smiling now, but from the look in his eyes Rei could tell something important was on his mind. After observing Nagisa for some time, Rei was the first to speak up.
"Is there something wrong, Nagisa-kun?" Blinking, Nagisa looked up from his swing.
"What makes you think that, Rei-chan?" he asked. Even as he did, the light in his eyes seemed to flicker. Now Rei was 100% certain that something was weighing on Nagisa's mind.
"Well, the fact that you've asked to stop by the park so we could discuss something—and the fact that you were sitting quietly on the swing for fifteen minutes so far," he began, readjusting his glasses with a look of concern. "It can't be…that you had a disagreement with your parents again?" Blinking, Nagisa shook his head.
"Nah—it's not what you're thinking, Rei-chan!" As the blond laughed, Rei's expression relaxed slightly. "Sure, they still nag me about my grades and whatnot, but they haven't told me to quit the swim club ever since that one time!" Tipping back on the swing, Nagisa smiled curiously at Rei. "Whatever gave you the idea, Rei-chan?"
"Well—"Rei averted his eyes a little guiltily. "Since that time, I've noticed more…things about you that I hadn't before, and…I realize now that you were always more thoughtful of others than yourself, Nagisa-kun." As Nagisa's stare grew rounder, Rei coughed slightly.
"Even back when I got angry at you over Rin-san, you tried your best to calm the tension between us—even though you had every right to be angry with me for snapping. And even back when you ran away from home, you didn't tell Haruka-senpai or Makoto-senpai about your problems right away." And you didn't tell me, either. "Strangely enough, there are times when you seem to hold back the most on yourself, Nagisa-kun. So at times like this, when we're together, I keep wondering…if there are things you want to say that you aren't."
Next to him, he heard the creaking of the swing chains come to a stop. When Rei looked up, Nagisa was smiling at him.
"You know something? Out of all the people I've met, the person I've been the most honest with is you, Rei-chan." As Rei's eyes widened, the blond laughed a little. "I mean, sure, back then I tried to hide my feelings from even you, and I was a crying mess when I failed to—but how could I keep running away when you kept turning me around?" His smile softened.
"It was because you told me I could—that's why I was finally able to face my parents, Rei-chan. Now I'm not so afraid of being honest with them anymore—we still see things differently a lot of the time, but at least they know how I feel now." The blond swung his feet forward casually, making his swing move a little.
"Before that, I was always running away from confrontation—and not just with my parents, either. Ever since I was little, I've always hated conflict, and that's why I held back a lot from saying what I really wanted to. But when I saw you going out to butt heads with Rin-chan, and then when you butted heads with me, I started thinking that I wanted to change, too." His grip on the swing loosened, then tightened.
"So I—I want to keep trying now. To face my feelings head-on, and say what I want to say."
"Nagisa-kun…?" Was it Rei's imagination, or did Nagisa look…shy? The older boy's eyes were lowered towards the ground, his long lashes fluttering nervously as he stared down at his feet. He was silent for so long that Rei started to think he had to speak up again. Just as he opened his mouth, however, Nagisa spoke in a voice so quiet that Rei almost didn't catch his words.
"I like you, Rei-chan."
The breath stuck in Rei's throat, leaving his mouth to gape unceremoniously. A million thoughts flooded his head that moment, before he narrowed them down to one conclusion.
"I—that's sweet of you to say so, Nagisa-kun," he heard himself say, his voice sounding mildly thankful. "As a friend I hold you in similar regards as well—"
"Not like that." Nagisa's voice was still quiet but cut through Rei's words like a knife.
"I really like you, Rei-chan. As more than a friend."
The silence that followed was brief, but felt like hours. Rei could see the blond's hands tighten around the swing chains, could see the outlines of the knuckles on his hand tense and sharpen.
"It took me over a year to figure it out…but I'm positive now." Under the lamplight, Rei noticed the unmistakable red that was flooding Nagisa's cheeks, as he slowly raised his head to face him. There was a small smile on his face, but his eyes shone with quiet sincerity, one that Rei recognized all too well the few times he saw it. He could feel his own cheeks start to color as Nagisa proceeded to say his next words.
…
'I think I've liked you for a long time now.'
Rei didn't remember much about how they had returned home that night. All he knew was that Nagisa had gotten off the swing after a while of silence, had said that they should head back. He remembered seeing Nagisa head inside his house before leaving for his own—the blond turning around and smiling his usual bright smile before wishing Rei good night and closing the door. All throughout that time, so many questions had been on his mind, on the tip of his tongue—ones that the small part of his brain that still retained some logic kept caged in his mouth.
What do you mean, you like me as more than a friend? Why? Why is it me? Since when? What do you even like about me in the first place? Why is it me?
On the night of August 1st, Rei lay awake in bed for the longest time, in his butterfly-print pajamas—staring at the empty ceiling as he painted his best friend's smile on it with his mind, over and over again. It was a little before he finally fell asleep that it occurred to Rei—that the thought of 'But we're both male' had not crossed his mind even once during the walk home.
…
Fortunately or unfortunately, the week of Nagisa's birthday was also the week of a special joint practice with Samezuka. It meant that Rei would see Nagisa every single day during that week, even though it was summer vacation.
On the first day of practice, Rei and Nagisa boarded the train together for Samezuka Academy—both of them falling silent after their initial morning greetings. It was less awkward when they were at practice—there, they were kept occupied with improving their strokes and times, especially under the extra-hard grilling of Rin and Sousuke, who knew the two of them would be the next captain and vice-captain for their swim club. The train ride home was another story—the air between them had somehow become more stifling than during the morning ride, neither of them meeting each others' eyes, the two of them barely saying their goodbyes to each other before Nagisa got off first.
The next morning, Rei woke up to a text from Nagisa. He swallowed nervously before flipping his phone open.
{I'll go ahead on an earlier train, Rei-chan! Just want to get a head-start on practice! See you later!}
The contents of the message left Rei feeling, strangely enough, a little more strained than relieved. He sat up in bed, stared at the text on his screen with his slightly hazy eyesight, before his mother came up to see why he hadn't come down for breakfast yet.
…
That afternoon during practice, Nagisa approached him with a smile that Rei knew was forced, and told him he would leave for Samezuka on an earlier train for the rest of the week, and depart on an earlier train. He gave the excuse of having evening plans with friends and family, before scampering away and leaping into the pool.
For the next few days, Rei went back and forth from Samezuka alone on the train. Sometimes, when an empty seat turned up, he found himself looking over his shoulder to call Nagisa's name—only to remember that the blond had gone home already. Now his train rides were much quieter, with only the hum of the train's movement and passengers' voices in the background.
Sometimes he caught himself visualizing Nagisa on the train—Nagisa plopping down in the seat Rei usually gave up for him, Nagisa chatting animatedly about the events at that day's practice, Nagisa invading his singular-seat-sized personal space with his energetic motions. Nagisa falling asleep, head falling gently on Rei's shoulder with drool trailing down his mouth, a peaceful look on his face, his skin glowing rosy in the evening sun. Rei wondered if that was what the color of Nagisa's blush would look like in daylight, before he caught himself and tried to shake the thought away.
He wondered, if he didn't do anything about their situation for long enough, Nagisa would continue to avoid him at school. At swim practice. On the train home.
Rei was startled by the powerful cold that engulfed his stomach.
…
'I really like you.'
On the fourth night after swim practice, he decided that he had remained silent long enough. As he lay awake in bed, Rei stared at the empty text message addressed to Nagisa. Slowly, he started typing out a message.
{About the other day. I think we should remain friends—}
{I have been thinking for quite a while, Nagisa-kun, and I have come to the conclusion that—}
{Perhaps we are better off maintaining our friendship. And I do want to maintain our friendship—}
He spent over an hour composing various texts, all of which he ended up deleting. Somehow, none of them seemed like the right thing to say.
Just what did he really want to say in the first place? That they should call it a truce? That they should get along like before, as if Nagisa's confession had never happened?
That Nagisa should stop liking him?
Again, the brunet recalled his friend's smile on the night of his birthday—the nervousness in it so rare that Rei knew it was genuine. Because despite Nagisa's tendency to clam up when it came to his own problems, he had always been genuine when it came to his feelings towards Rei. Because in comparison, despite all of his own bravado, all his bold confrontations with his friends over the past one and a half years, Rei was less straightforward and brave than Nagisa thought. Especially over matters like this, where he knew he might lose someone who was undeniably important to him—friend or not.
'I like you, Rei-chan.'
He wondered if, had he been in Nagisa's shoes, he would have been able to convey his feelings in the same way. Already, there was a part of Rei that doubted it. Because if he couldn't even send a simple text saying what he really felt, that he didn't want to lose his best friend, what did that make all his speeches about being brave and facing forward?
Just who, Rei wondered, was the braver one here?
…
They nearly bumped into each other in Samezuka's locker room the next day. Nagisa only murmured a quick apology before ducking past Rei towards another set of lockers, where Nitori was putting on his goggles. Rei almost called out his name, but stopped himself just in time. From behind him Makoto eyed the two of them worriedly, having noticed the tension between the usually lively pair in the past few days.
Needless to say, Nagisa had begun avoiding Rei during practice as well. Now, instead of hopping after Rei and teasing him, the blond redirected his attention towards the others instead. Whenever he saw Nagisa whisper something into Ai's ear, or tackle Momotarou with a surprise hug from behind, nuzzle Sousuke in the arm or body-slam Rin as a greeting—while ignoring Rei the whole time—the brunet found himself looking away with a frown. A foreign irritation brewed in his stomach each time, one that puzzled him to no small extent. It was during times like this that Rei caught himself wondering if he had dreamed about the confession that night. Whether he was the one more affected by it than Nagisa himself.
Other times, Rei found himself catching glimpses of Nagisa when he was on his own. Nagisa diving into the pool, Nagisa doing the breaststroke with his energetic crawl, Nagisa's lithely muscled torso breaking out of the water, a bright smile spreading across his face when Gou told him his time had improved. Rei knew that, if they were in Iwatobi's outdoor pool, the beads of water on Nagisa's hair would catch the sunlight, making it shine a beautiful golden yellow. It had always reminded Rei of sunflowers in the evening light. He thought the color suited his friend well—something that he had never told Nagisa before, because he had always felt too shy to do so.
When Nagisa's head coincidentally turned in his direction, Rei quickly averted his eyes. Looking around, he spotted the nearest person, who happened to be Rin, and walked towards him. As he struck up a conversation with the redhead, Rei had his back turned towards Nagisa—so he didn't notice how the boy's face fell slightly, before he ducked his head back under the pool.
…
"Did you and Nagisa have a fight, Rei?"
It was after practice that day when Makoto asked the question. Nearly jumping out of his shoes, Rei instinctively did a quick scan of the area around him—before he remembered that Nagisa had gone home before them. Sighing in relief, Rei turned back to a slightly stern-looking Makoto. Jumping with surprise, the brunet stuttered,
"Wh-what is it, Makoto-senpai?!" Makoto appraised Rei with the same stern stare before sighing.
"You two have been avoiding each other ever since the beginning of joint practice," he said. "Everyone's noticed it by now, even the Samezuka swim team—and I can tell that it's making Nagisa upset." At the mention of the blond, Rei's eyes rounded with confusion.
"B-but—Nagisa-kun is the one who avoided me first!" he replied with disbelief. "That's why I naturally thought—" That he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He wondered if it was because he had not given a response right away. Just the thought made Rei's heart clench. As the younger boy fell silent, Makoto studied Rei with concern before opening his mouth.
"I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I can tell that neither of you are happy with the way things are right now. It feels strange to see you guys acting like this—I mean, it's always been obvious to everyone how much both of you enjoy being together." In response, Rei blinked.
"It was?" At his dazed murmur, Makoto relented with his stern front and chuckled good-naturedly.
"Of course. That's why, when the two of you aren't getting along, everyone worries." He reached out to pat Rei encouragingly on the shoulder. "It might not be easy, because relationships are hardly ever that, but if it's you, Rei, I'm sure you'll be able to reach Nagisa. After all, you've always been one to meet problems head-on—and you were the one who told Nagisa not to give up when it comes to talking things out." The taller boy scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "That's why, I think if Nagisa's forgotten your words, you should be the one to remind him."
"…What if—" Rei hesitated. "What if, this time, I'm not sure how I should amend things?" His hand clenched into a fist at his thigh. "What happened between us, it—it's not something that can be solved by logical thinking." To Rei, things were different from last time. To him, being honest with one's feelings was logical. But when those feelings involved romance…to Rei, romance itself wasn't logical to begin with. Even now he couldn't understand why, how Nagisa could have come to feel that way about someone like him. "I understand that—that Nagisa-kun and even you, Makoto-senpai, you both think I'm up-front and decisive all the time, but to be honest, I…"
I have no idea what I really want to do. As the realization hit him, he stopped short of himself, blinking hard. Hadn't he decided that he wanted to stay friends with Nagisa? For a moment, Makoto regarded his friend, before smiling gently at him.
"You know, Rei, you don't always have to know what to do. It's true that we've been saved a few times because you knew exactly what to do, but we don't expect you to be perfect. I'm sure Nagisa feels the same way I do—if you ask him to, I'm sure he'll let you figure out your feelings at your own pace. In fact, maybe he'll even help—because even though there are times when he won't talk about his own feelings, Nagisa's always been perceptive of the emotions around him." The older boy tilted his head thoughtfully. "In the end, the point of everything is to communicate, isn't it? To get to the heart of the matter together—"
"Makoto, Rei! What's taking you so long!" The two of them looked up with surprise, as Rin's shout interrupted their conversation. "Hurry up!"
"Ah—we're coming!" After calling out, Makoto turned back to Rei with a smile.
"If it's the two of you, I'm sure you'll be able to work things out side by side. Good luck, Rei." With that, the taller boy sped up to catch up with the others.
For a moment, Rei remained standing where he was, staring into space. Eventually, a look of something like determination crossed his face, before he collected himself and joined the others.
…
He spent that night reading books, internet articles, magazines, anything he could get his hands on. As stiffly methodical as it seemed, it was the closest to Rei's comfort zone after all, his way of trying to figure out things. When he looked up at the clock and it read 4 AM, the brunet reluctantly got up from his desk and staggered over to his bed. Even after he got under the covers, he lay awake for another hour, dark circles sinking deeper into his skin, his mind buzzing with too many thoughts.
During the brief three hours of sleep he had, Rei dreamed about when he had first met Nagisa. The burst of happiness he had felt when Nagisa called his pole vaulting beautiful. The same feeling of happiness, one that he had been unused to feeling, when the blond slung an arm around his shoulders and said he would take responsibility. His dream ended with the familiar sound of laughter, a bubbly and childlike sound that he knew came from the heart.
When he woke up, it was one hour past the time he should have gotten up. Remembering that his parents had mentioned leaving early for a wedding that day, Rei groaned. Throwing his covers off, the brunet hurried out of bed to get ready for practice.
In the back of his mind, he wondered when the last time he had heard Nagisa laugh like that had been. His birthday? It had only been five days since that night, yet to Rei it felt like it had been forever since.
He found himself thinking, that he really missed it. He missed seeing Nagisa smile like himself, laugh like himself. Being himself around Rei. He even missed the sound of Nagisa's seemingly endless chatter, the shorter boy's surprise hugs and tackles as he invaded Rei's personal space.
Even with other people around him, Rei felt a piercing sensation of loneliness in his chest.
…
When he showed up late at practice with dark circles under his eyes, Rin was less strict with him than he might usually have been, clicking his tongue and telling him to 'get his ass to the locker room and back' by the time he finished three laps. From the side Makoto cast him a worried look, but apparently decided that Rei might need some time on his own, not saying anything about their conversation the day before.
During practice, as Rei was sitting off to the side during his break, he caught Nagisa casting him a worried look from the pool. When their eyes met, a sudden nervous jolt traveled through Rei's chest—however, he stopped himself from looking away, just in time. The blond averted his eyes first, ducking back into the pool. When he resurfaced and found that Rei was still staring at him, Nagisa blushed before averting his eyes again. While Rei was still not used to seeing his friend look shy, a part of him felt relieved to find that Nagisa's feelings still hadn't—
Rei blinked, physically feeling his thoughts come to a halt. Only five minutes of spaced-out staring later did he realize that Nagisa had disappeared from his line of sight, and that he had been staring hard at an empty plot of pool water.
After that, Rei was the one who was averting his eyes for the rest of practice.
…
"Rei-chan."
On his way to the train station, a hand caught him by the wrist. Startled, Rei turned and nearly jumped out of his skin. Nagisa released his wrist almost as soon as he had grabbed it, quickly casting his eyes on the ground.
"Y-you didn't leave early?" Rei heard his own voice falter out. In the back of his mind, he was briefly impressed with himself for finding his voice in the first place. The brunet had been so preoccupied with his own thoughts that he hadn't noticed that Nagisa had stuck around until the usual end of swim practice. In response, the older boy shuffled his feet slightly, a small smile on his face that didn't travel up to his eyes.
"Yeah. I just…felt like sticking around 'til the end." Rei thought he saw a brief look of hesitation cross Nagisa's face—however, when the blond looked up, it was gone, replaced by a soft smile.
Suddenly, Rei realized that it had been a while since they stood close like this, facing each other properly. For a moment the he lost himself in staring at Nagisa—taking in his fluffy blonde hair and boyish features, his soft-looking face and smooth neck, the lines sloping fluidly into his shoulders, joining the flow of the collarbones that were revealed by his wide-necked shirt. His eyes lingered the longest on Nagisa's softly curved lips—when he caught himself, Rei felt his throat dry and quickly moved his eyes along.
He smelled like chlorine, and more faintly, like strawberries. Unconsciously, Rei found himself leaning towards the scent—before a loud, cheerful voice rudely pulled him back to reality.
"Good work, Nagi-chan-senpai, Rei-chan-senpai~!" The two of them turned to see Momotarou passing by, a bright grin on his face that indicated that he had no idea he was disturbing a moment. "See ya both tomorrow~!" Next to him, an annoyed-looking Ai grabbed Momo by the ear, quickly dragging him away.
"Honestly, you have no tact at all, you idiot." "AHHHH—let go, Ai-senpai, it hurts! Ai-senpaiiii~~!" As the struggling kouhai and his senpai furthered away, Rei could feel his ears turning pink. Slowly he turned his attention back towards Nagisa—when he saw the blush on the blond's cheeks, Rei's pulse began to speed up a little.
"Do you…wanna board the train together?" Surprised at Nagisa's small voice, Rei blinked owlishly before replying.
"…Of course." At that, Nagisa looked up, a genuine smile finally spreading across his face. Rocking back on his heels, he spoke in the liveliest tone that Rei had heard from him all week.
"Let's go, Rei-chan!" As the shorter boy trotted forward, Rei followed silently, his mind still in a daze.
When they boarded the train, there were two seats left in the car, side by side. After staring at them for a while, Nagisa turned to Rei with a small smile.
"You should sit, Rei-chan! I'm not that tired—" As soon as he said this, a yawn escaped Nagisa's throat, and he stopped to cover his mouth with one hand. When he realized what he had done, the blond flushed slightly, looking away. Clearing his throat, Rei said,
"I'm feeling tired as well. Why don't we both sit, Nagisa-kun." Before Nagisa could respond, the taller boy was taking a seat first.
"…Okay." Hesitantly, Nagisa sat down next to Rei, taking off his backpack.
For the remainder of the ride, they sat together in silence—Rei extremely conscious of the single centimeter's space between their thighs. When the intercom announced his stop, Nagisa got up—leg accidentally brushing against Rei's as he did. It was something that had happened all the time before, when they were on the way home from school.
"See you tomorrow, Rei-chan!" With a small smile, the blond was stepping off the train. The automatic doors slid shut, the train picking up its speed once more.
Almost immediately after Nagisa left, Rei's face and neck colored a brilliant shade of red.
…
When he was home and in his room, Rei looked at the calendar hanging on the wall.
Back when it was still July, he had drawn a circle around the first week of August. There was a star on August 1st, with the words 'Nagisa-kun's Birthday' written in neat red letters. The seven days that marched after it were labeled 'Joint Practice at Samezuka Academy'.
Tomorrow would be the last day of swim practice. Unless they planned to meet up after that, Rei knew he would not be able to see Nagisa until school was back in session.
Instead of reading his usual swim theory books before bed, Rei called it a night early. He lay on his bed to sleep and ended up lying awake for a long time, once again. A churning sensation formed at the bottom of his stomach as he stared at the dark ceiling, waiting for the morning to come.
…
'I like you.'
He realized, perhaps more than he had on the first day, how much courage Nagisa must have needed to say those words. Now, Rei thought, he might understand why the blond had started to avoid him afterwards. He knew that Nagisa had been braver than he himself would ever be.
Still, it was unfair.
Of course Rei had been shocked. Of course he hadn't been able to respond right away, after what happened that night. Of course he hadn't known how to react, or even, how he wanted things to be. After all, before Nagisa, Rei had never even had someone he could truly call a friend, much less a lover or even a love interest. How was he supposed to tell the difference between friendship and—and whatever this was that he felt now?
To Rei, theories were easier. Equations and logic were easier. Feelings still weren't. Thanks to having met Nagisa, then Haru and Makoto and even Rin, Rei was learning to embrace them as well—but that didn't make them any less tricky. Especially now—the emotions that came after Nagisa confessed, after his best friend avoided him for almost a whole week, were ones Rei had never before known in his life. And maybe that should have been enough to clue him in, but for the past six days Rei had been anything but composed enough to think rationally.
Even now, as he stood on the train platform after the last practice with a quiet Nagisa, Rei was far from composed—his feelings a jumble of tangles and knots, just like how his stomach felt. He felt overly conscious of his own pulse, his own breathing, the sweat that was starting to form on his calloused palms.
To Rei, Nagisa was irreplaceable. Even he understood that much. If, as he was seeming to discover, that meant something different than what he had originally thought…
Then, even if he was a little scared for what might come, he would face it head-on. Clenching one sweaty palm into a determined fist, Rei took a deep breath, just as the train began entering their stop.
"I think I like you, too."
Whoosh. The compartments flashed by, their square windows flitting past Rei's eyes like a reel of film, stirring up wind that made his hair flutter. As the train rolled to a stop, the intercom made its usual announcement, unaware of the words that hung in the air, over the three-feet gap that separated a certain pair of boys.
[The train bound for Iwatobi is now approaching. Please stand behind the yellow line…] Around them, the passengers stepped forward towards the line, preparing to board.
At first, Rei thought Nagisa hadn't heard him, because he didn't look up right away. But just as the doors on the train slid open, Rei looked down—and saw the blond frozen to the spot, burgundy eyes round and wide, mouth fallen open, cheeks flushed with surprise.
Rei knew then that Nagisa had heard him, loud and clear. As both nervousness and a strange kind of relief hit him at once, Rei turned around. The brunet was the first to step onto the train—and when he noticed that Nagisa was still standing on the platform, he stuck out an arm and grabbed the blond's hand with his own, gently tugging him on board. The smaller boy stumbled on just in time, as the doors slid closed almost immediately after.
Rei didn't realize he was still holding Nagisa's hand until they were seated, right next to each other again. It was then that the brunet quickly let go, feeling his face turn red. Only when he opened his palm again did he realize how much sweatier it had gotten.
He didn't dare look down at Nagisa, heart thumping furiously in his chest as his violet eyes resolutely fixed themselves forward. The stray thoughts that flitted through his mind didn't help, like how warm Nagisa's hand had felt in his grasp, how nicely their hands had fit together for the space of what could only have been a few minutes.
Needless to say, the ride to Nagisa's stop was quiet once more.
One stop before the destination, Rei felt something warm press against his thigh. Looking down, he found the only thing that something could be—Nagisa's own thigh. Immediately, the breath stuck in Rei's throat. The blond had scooted closer to Rei in his seat—now their sides were flush with each other. Rei couldn't see his friend's face because it was ducked down, but he did notice the tips of Nagisa's ears peeking out from his blonde locks. They were a bright pink. He also noticed Nagisa's hands, his fingers nervously fiddling with the edge of his bright yellow shorts. Pushing aside the sudden thought that it was cute, Rei quickly faced forward again, swallowing—his heart dancing from the new warmth against his side.
As the train rolled to a stop at Nagisa's destination, Rei internally fumbled for a course of action to take. However, before he could think too hard, he felt a hand grab his, pull him up from his seat. Before he knew it, Nagisa was tugging him off the train. As the doors slid shut and the compartments rolled away, the blond released Rei's hand, looking down at his feet. After a while, it was just the two of them left on the platform, the train having left for Rei's stop. They stood in silence for a good five minutes—Rei's voice refusing to materialize from his throat.
"Are you sure?"
When he finally heard Nagisa's quiet voice, Rei froze.
"I didn't hear you wrong, did I?" Heart skipping a beat, the taller boy forced himself to meet Nagisa's eyes. In them he could find the glimmer of both hope and uncertainty, as they seemed to search for something in Rei's face. When he caught himself nodding wordlessly, Rei stopped. He remembered Makoto's advice from a few days ago, that they should figure this out together. Opening his mouth, he willed his voice to come out instead—and it did, albeit a little more raspy than usual.
"—What I meant when I said 'I think', Nagisa-kun." As Nagisa heard these particular two words, the hope seemed to flicker in his eyes. Noticing this, Rei hurried on.
"I—I'm not sure how it is with yourself, but as for me, I have no prior experience with romance. I have never held such feelings for anyone—at least, not any that I have been aware of. Nor have I ever been in a romantic relationship. In fact…I'm sure you must know, that I never even had anyone I could call a close friend, before you came along."
"Rei-chan…" As Nagisa's eyes grew round, Rei continued.
"That is why, when you said that you…" When the brunet hesitated for a moment, Nagisa spoke up quietly.
"That I like you?" The mere four words sent butterflies through Rei's stomach, as well as a surge of something that Rei thought might be happiness. Flushing slightly, the brunet nodded.
"…Yes. That," he said lamely. "When you told me about your feelings, I wasn't sure how to react. All this time I was sure I had only seen you as a good friend—was still getting used to having a close friend, even. That's why, the first thing that crossed my mind when I was able to think straight was that I didn't want things to change." All at once, feelings that Rei himself hadn't known about began pouring out, startling him in the process.
"When you first called me your friend and said that you would take responsibility, it made me very happy. All the times that I spent with you, learning to laugh and have fun and open myself up to others—they made me realize how much I liked having you by my side. So much changed for the better because you got me to join the swim team—and I was afraid of seeing all that change. More than anything else, I think…that I was afraid of losing the Nagisa-kun that I know."
As soon as he said this, another wave of relief washed over Rei. There it was—the root of the anxiety that he had been feeling these past seven days, all in one sentence. In the back of his mind, he wondered just what had taken him so long. There was something about being with Nagisa, facing the blond, that made words tumble out from Rei's throat, almost like it was natural.
Before him, the smaller boy's eyes glistened.
"Rei-chan…"
"That's why, what you did was unfair." Startled by the sudden turn in Rei's words, Nagisa's head snapped up slightly. "Starting to avoid me at swim practice after you confessed to me—even taking separate trains to do that—do you know how confused and conflicted I felt these past six days?" A bit of his frustration from the week poured out into his next words. "You said that you would face your troubles head-on, that you wouldn't run away anymore. And yet, you were doing the same thing for the past week!" As if he was equally frustrated, Nagisa drew himself up, a frown on his face as he burst out,
"You were the one who didn't say anything!" Biting his lip, the blond went on, hands clenching into tight fists. "It took all the guts I had to confess, and you wouldn't say anything on the way home—you didn't even say anything on the train the first day, or on the way back! Not even an 'I'll think about it' or an 'I'm sorry' or 'I don't know'—what was I supposed to think?! I was scared, Rei-chan!" As Rei's eyes widened, Nagisa's started to water, the blond gritting his teeth as he held back his tears.
"Sure, I avoided you, but the last time I avoided you, you still kept pulling me around to tell me what you thought! All that time I was starting to think that you were trying to come up the best way to reject me, or that maybe, you'd even stop being friends with me—I was starting to regret that I ever said anything to you in the first place! I thought I'd have to approach you first and tell you to forget about it! I thought—" Tears started to roll down his cheeks, as his voice started to quiver. "I thought that you were relieved…that you really didn't want anything to do with me anymore…!" As the blond started to sniff and wipe his tears, Rei stared at him for a long moment in silence.
Only when Nagisa felt arms wrap around him did he realize that Rei had stepped forward. As the breath caught in his throat, Rei tugged him towards his body, firmly holding the smaller boy to his chest.
"I would never think such a thing." His voice was quiet, as he spoke into Nagisa's hair. "You're right. It was my fault too, for not saying anything. I'm sorry." In his arms, he could feel the blond relax slightly, and continued.
"It's not—that I was put off your confession. Just that it was a little sudden for me, and unprecedented—and I just need time to figure things out. Because of that, maybe, I might have stopped myself from seeking you out and confronting you. But all the same—to be honest, when you avoided me, it hurt a little." Rei sighed quietly. "Maybe it's irresponsible and a little late of me to say this…but we might have even been able to talk things out earlier." Reaching up with his hand, he gently stroke Nagisa's hair in what he hoped was a comforting way. "It might have saved us both some grief, at least," he said in a lighter tone, as Nagisa sniffed loudly into his shirt.
"…Sorry." When the blond spoke in a muffled voice at last, Rei let out a soft breath of relief. "You're right. It was unfair of me to avoid you like that, Rei-chan—I guess I was only thinking about myself again. I should've thought about your feelings too—I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions on my own." Rei was startled when a finger stabbed his chest, as Nagisa looked up suddenly with a pout. "But you should remember—you were actively avoiding me once, too! Yesterday, when you came in for practice late—you were staring at me with this intense sleep-deprived look in the beginning, but after that you wouldn't meet my eyes at all! You really had me worried, you know!" At that, Rei flushed before averting his eyes slightly.
"That was—! Just—I just happened to have an—interesting breakthrough—and you were avoiding me for five days straight!" he added childishly, with a pout to match Nagisa's. The blond's mouth fell open in protest before he huffed and buried his face in Rei's shirt once more.
"You're such a hypocrite, Rei-chan! Whatever, just be quiet and let me be mad at you for a sec!" Rei was about to retort, but when he felt the blond's fists tightening on his shirt, he thought better of it and kept quiet instead. For a long time they stood in silence—the brunet starting to look thoughtful as he rested his chin on Nagisa's head.
"You know, I did research." While these words sounded exactly like what Rei would say, it created a great deal of confusion for Nagisa when paired with the situation at hand. Sensing his puzzlement, Rei began to explain. "On the subject of romantic feelings. It was only fitting, since I myself did not have the firsthand experience. I overslept and was late for practice the next day because of it. But…when I placed what I had learned next to my own experiences, both before and after your birthday, I…realized something interesting. That about half of what I read matched up, and the other half didn't." He could feel Nagisa frown against his shirt, which was now stained with tears and a little bit of snot.
"Just—sniff—what have you been reading, Rei-chan?" In response, the brunet blushed.
"I, uh, may have referred to some of my brother's old romance novels. And, er, some teen magazines that I bought at the convenience store. Of course, I did more theoretical research online, but as most of the sources were questionable, not to mention highly unprofessional—" This time, Nagisa pulled away slightly from Rei's chest, shooting him a puzzled look with eyes.
"So? Does that mean you like me or not?" Immediately, Rei blushed hard—and even in his moment of uncertainty, the fact that he himself had elicited this reaction delighted Nagisa to no end.
"I…although the research was inconclusive, I have been thinking about it deeply for the last couple of days, and based off the feelings towards you that I am sure of, as well as my own actions during the week—" The blond listened patiently as Rei continued his lengthy explanation in a nervous voice. "I…believe I was correct in the conclusion I have drawn for myself." The blush on his cheeks darkened as he continued, in a somewhat smaller voice than before. "Namely…the answer that I gave you before we boarded the evening train today." Immediately, a strong feeling of warmth shot through Nagisa's heart. Before he could start dancing from giddy happiness, however, Rei continued in a soft voice.
"What I know with absolute certainty…is that I don't like seeing you cry. And, although it can wear on my nerves a little sometimes, I like seeing you in your usual cheer—loud shouting, body slams, and relentless teasing included." As Nagisa pouted slightly at him, Rei chuckled a little before continuing.
"But whichever state you may be in, I wish to stay by your side. I want to be there to comfort you when you are sad, and smile with you when you are happy. You've already changed my world on so many levels, that in comparison it might hardly be returning the favor, but all the same. And I myself have been coming to think...that I would like it if I were special to you, in the same way." He stopped to clear his throat, eyes looking everywhere but Nagisa. "If...if that's what it means to like someone...then I am certain that I do indeed like you a lot." The way Rei's voice grew quiet at the end of the sentence made Nagisa's heart flutter.
"I'm sorry for making you feel scared these past few days. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to answer you. I hope you would forgive me. And also, thank you, Nagisa-kun—for being brave, and more honest with me than with anyone else. That's why…please don't say that you should have hid your feelings from me, or that you wish for me to forget about them." Slowly, Rei reached over to hold Nagisa's hand in his, giving it a squeeze. "After all that's happened...I hope that you won't mind guiding me from hereon." Pulling away, Rei looked the blond straight in the eye.
"Please go out with me, Nagisa-kun."
For a moment, all Nagisa could do was to stare at Rei open-mouthed. After a while, when the words finally sunk in, the smaller boy opened his mouth, voice sounding a little faint.
"You...are you serious, Rei-chan?" he asked hesitantly. "You do know what that means, don't you? You''ll have to hold my hand, and go on dates with me, and probably treat me to a lot of ice cream cones—and eventually, I'll even try to kiss you." At the last comment, Rei flushed a deep red. Feeling his face warm as well, the blonde went on. "And we're both guys, on top of that!" In response, Rei raised a brow.
"With all due respect, Nagisa-kun—haven't we come a bit far for you to mention that now?" As Nagisa blushed harder, the brunet let out a soft chuckle. "Well, I hardly did expect my first romantic interest to form towards a male person—I even read a few books on the different types of sexuality, to…to understand things better," he admitted. "But I guess, that in the end…it was not as great of a concern to me as I might have expected." His gaze softened as he looked at Nagisa. "Strange, isn't it? But then again, you were always someone who pulled me away from my expectations. Logic never seems to win over you."
Suddenly, Nagisa remembered what Gou had told him once—that Rei had said love was illogical and something he would never catch himself. Feeling five times shyer, the smaller boy quickly ducked his head, hiding his face in Rei' shirt.
"Are you trying to flirt with me already, Rei-chan?" he mumbled. As Rei's own blush grew heavier, the blond continued in a quieter voice.
"Actually...I didn't think much about what comes after. Just...I was feeling really happy after my birthday party, and I was thinking again how happy you make me...and then, all of a sudden, I just really wanted to tell you how I felt." Rei blinked—so Nagisa had not planned his confession in advance. But then again, that was just like him—that spontaneous part of him was one of the things Rei liked about him, after all. "Though I guess that I might've had a better chance if I had it all planned out, with candlelight and music and roses and a whole speech planned out." Sensing the playfulness in his tone, Rei sighed slightly.
"Just what do you take me for, Nagisa-kun? And roses and candles are expensive—hardly something a high school student should be spending money on, when it's the message that matters the most." Although, if he were being entirely honest, Rei probably would have been touched by the beauty of such a gesture—but in no way did that mean that Nagisa's confession at the playground was any less touching. In fact, the latter suited Nagisa much more—and, despite all the tension and doubts and second-guessing Rei had lost sleep over, the brunet was starting to feel glad that it had happened the way it did.
"I know, Rei-chan," Nagisa replied, smiling into Rei's shirt. "You do know how to appreciate feelings as much as beautiful things." He paused for a moment. "I guess that, in the end, a part of me didn't really expect you to say yes. After all, you didn't seem like the type to be interested in romance—and, well...even if you were interested, I thought you'd want someone more like you instead. Someone who's smarter and more mature. Not someone like me..." Upon hearing these words, a frown formed on Rei's face, and his arms around Nagisa tightened, drawing the boy closer.
"Please don't get me started, Nagisa-kun—you are smart, and there are moments when I think you're more mature than anyone else. That better not be self-deprecation I'm hearing—I wouldn't even be here right now, if it hadn't been for you. And I have never asked anyone else out in my life, so please give yourself more credit." A minute of silence passed before Rei realized that Nagisa was trying to hold back more tears.
"Thanks, Rei-chan." As the blond's shoulders started to shake, Rei thought he could feel the dampness on his shirt growing. "I really, really like you." The breath stuck in Rei's throat at the repeated confession. Feeling too overwhelmed to do much else, the brunet squeezed his eyes shut and rested his cheek against Nagisa's hair. Just as the blond had done, he repeated the words that had been on his mind for days.
"I like you a lot, too."
…
While Rei didn't remember much about how they had gotten home that night, he would always remember the feeling of Nagisa's hand in his—how perfectly their hands had slotted together, how all of him had felt warm from just their palms pressing together. And of course, Rei would never forget the soft smile Nagisa had given him before going into his house.
The whole time he'd walked back to his apartment, Rei was smiling so hard that his cheeks started to hurt.
End Notes: Time skip in the next chap!