Legal Disclaimer: I am not, in fact, the owner of any Bleach Characters or Settings, nor for the plot that precedes this fic.

General Disclaimer: So my first fic was written several months ago and was a giant angstfest. For those of you interested in that from this fic, I apologize. My tragedies will always be either one-shots or otherwise very short. I don't like to drag out my tragedies.

This fic, while it maybe not outright hilarious, will be generally lighthearted. Not to say it won't have its serious moments.

Anyways, I'm more familiar with the Subs and the fanlations than the dubs. So that's where I'll take my cues, in general. In the same way, Manga supersedes anime. Except when I say otherwise. Helpful, right?

Also, there are differences elsewhere. I'll point them out as they come up. They're all relatively minor and occur during the Hueco Mundo arc.

Also, pairings? Who knows. But Ichigo/Orihime is not looking too likely.

One final thing. I'm undecided on most of the movies...but Memories of Nobody undeniably happened. Whether that actually plays a part remains to be seen.

On With the show!

Chapter 1: Setting the Stage

Nobody understands Sosuke Aizen.

Soul Society may believe they understand his thought process and motivations, with theories ranging from megalomania to an extreme form of 'The ends justify the means', but the truth is that they in no way understand just who Aizen is.

To be completely honest, Aizen doesn't know either.

That's not to say some people haven't discovered small facets of him. Kurosaki Ichigo was not wrong in his identification of Aizen's loneliness. He just couldn't fully understand why Aizen felt this way.

The truth is simple. By conventional logic, Aizen is insane.

To clarify: Aizen's brain works in a completely different way from how everyone else's does.

There's a fairly simple reason for this. At one point even Aizen had little to no idea about what it meant to have a powerful sentient sword. Depressingly, that did not remove his need to be taught.

Worse still, considering the fact that no one, not even Hirako Shinji, had a sword as all-encompassing and complex as Kyoka Suigetsu, there was only one being Aizen could possibly learn all the nuances of his shikai from. Kyoka Suigetsu itself was the only being that could truly teach him.

Thus, Aizen retreated into his mind, for untold hours and days, running mental obstacle courses, challenges, and puzzles, all for the sake of understanding and mastering the unique power this sword gave. Thousands upon thousands of hours were spent in mental combat with the spirit, until Right was down, Up was fish, Left wouldn't stop gibbering madly and Wrong had long since lost its grip and was flung from the car.

On the one hand, this meant that no one could possibly understand him.

On the other hand, it meant that when he developed a plan, he had no fewer than nine different contingency plans, each with their own accompanying sets until his enemies would be crushed under the oppressive weight of the minutia.

No matter how he lost, Aizen would never truly and completely go down in flames. There was always a backup plan.

Like how his prison cell was actually more akin to a five star hotel, with a convenient array of monitoring devices from which he could monitor his other contingency plans. Namely the one he's on. Plan: I, Subset: Loss, Version: 372B.

He liked this plan so very much, and had been saddened that it would seemingly never get used.

'Although,' Aizen considered, 'I do recall something about Kurosaki losing his powers after he attempted to obliterate me from existence. While, in his defense, he made an admiral attempt that could have succeeded had it been used even one form prior to the one I was in, but if that was the price, it was too high. I just hope this plan doesn't kill him too quickly. That would be boring.'

Inoue Orihime was depressed as she made an only mildly abnormal lunch in her empty-feeling home, a week after Aizen's defeat.

She had many reasons to be saddened, considering she appeared to have fallen out of love. Or rather, her fear was overpowering her love.

It wasn't supposed to be this complicated. She had a perfect plan all laid out for her very own picture perfect schoolgirl romance. Choose an unreachable guy. Pine for him. Revel in the safety and security of a relationship that will never happen, whilst indulging in daydreams and fantasies. Move on when she's emotionally ready to handle a real relationship.

And then she got kidnapped.

Thus began Ichigo's unintentional obliteration of her plan.

First off, a knight in shining armor dove straight into the world-stronghold for the sole purpose of rescuing her? No way in hell's that staying a normal crush. She quickly found her feelings deepen far beyond what she was comfortable with, between the overwhelming warmth and the far greater worry.

Second off, he died. Even if his soul hadn't fully registered that fact, Orihime knew. She hadn't healed him; she brought him back from the dead. The damage was too great for it to have been anything else.

And then he had to go put on that atrocious mask. The emotional whiplash and just disconcerting evil of that mask brought up an ugly fear, not for Ichigo, but of him. Thankfully between Nel's arguments and the fact that he risked bodily harm to protect her, Orihime was able to compartmentalize the mask as "An evil thing that Ichigo is just temporarily using" in her head.

And then Ichigo died. Again.

This time, it was not Orihime who revived him. This time, it was not Ichigo behind that mask.

This time, Orihime felt not fear, but true terror. Terror at the beast that obliterated her jailor, another who she could not decide whether to love or fear. Terror at the beast that tried to attack Ishida. Terror at the sheer overwhelming amount of power required to temporarily subdue that beast

And there was no Nel this time to call her bullshit. So the Terror remained.

'I still shake merely thinking about Ichigo. Every time I see him, I can only see that monster. It doesn't even matter that the monster is gone, lost with his shinigami powers.'

Thankfully, the fear at least seemed to be deteriorating, albeit slowly. 'I can only hope, if Ichigo ever regains his powers, that form doesn't come with it.'

All this left was the other reason she was depressed. Namely the fact that she had not only been kidnapped, but was completely incapable of escaping or really doing much besides putting Ichigo back together. Again. And again. And again. That's all she could ever do. Ignoring the shudder that ran through her, Orihime's thoughts continued. 'No matter how often I put him, or any of them, back together, no matter what I do; I can't stop any of them from breaking. All I can do is pick up the pieces when they're done. I…I can't keep doing this! I can't keep watching them get hurt!

But how? How can I help them more than I am? I can't fight alongside them. I've crippled my only means of attack. Why oh why must I feel so bad about hurting people?

Unless…I don't have to attack to fight. What other ways can I help them…'

As she started slathering mustard onto her peanut butter, sausage and onion sandwich, Orihime began discussing and strategizing other uses for her powers aside from the standard three.

Ishida Uryuu was annoyed. This was a very common state for him to be in. Oddly, this was at himself.

'What on earth possessed me into thinking that bringing Cirucci Sanderwicci home was a good idea?'

That was not a difficult question to answer, all things considered. It had been as he walked out, that Cirucci called him a hypocrite, clearly more loudly than she had planned. Considering he did on some level respect the woman, Ishida first tried to figure out why she would call him that first. Truthfully, he expected 'misogynist' or perhaps 'naïve fool', rather than hypocrite.

This was not a difficult question to answer either. All it took was to remember where he was. He was in the ruling citadel of Heuco Mundo. He was in a world of cannibals, in the fortress of those who had proven the best or at least most efficient cannibals. And he was currently walking away from someone he had just removed all power from.

Cirucci would be lucky if she survived a full day. The only question would be if she would be conscious when it happened.

It was good then, that not only had Ishida prepared a means of emergency escape (considering that last time they infiltrated an enemy citadel, Urahara hadn't prepared them a method to return aside from "Make the shinigami your semi-friends"), but that he had made spares, just in case.

In any case, she was thankfully unconscious in her hospital bed. Unfortunately that meant it was only a matter of time until the elder Ishida found her.

The question that remained was not "What will happen when she wakes up and his father finds her," but "Who will manage to survive the confrontation?" It certainly won't be one Uryuu Ishida, all things considered.

And then there was the question of just how much hollow was still in there? What the hell would she eat?

This was a bad idea. Curse his morals!

Delicious.

He woke up starving, and smelling something delicious. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that it was a soul. Three, really. All nicely weaker than him, and all smelling very tasty. Odd though, that there was a fourth scent that seemed very familiar, yet in some ways foreign, but was definitely no soul. Still smelled tasty though.

He crept down the stairs to where the two weaker souls were. Better to take them out now, so they couldn't escape. Or rather try to escape. They really stood no chance of actually outrunning him, but a chase would be annoying at this point.

Of course, he was less than silent. He really felt no need to be. These weaklings could not escape him.

"You're awake! Just in time for breakfast! I'm trying something new! Pancakes!" Ah! The weakest one noticed him! Although she seems entirely less than mortally terrified. But what, pray tell, is on that plate? It smells delicious. Perhaps she means to use it as a distraction to get away? Or perhaps tribute to his power. Amusing. He shall play along. The despair she will feel when it fails will provide him great delight.

But for now, pancakes!

Arisawa Tatsuki stared bemusedly at Kurosaki Ichigo's seemingly endless, ravenous hunger.

She, Yasutora Sado, aka "Chad", and Ichigo were sitting in a booth at a generic, utterly forgettable café that Ichigo had seemingly chosen at random so the three could talk about whatever it was Ichigo thought was important. Stranger still, the punk's face was completely blank, lacking the trademark scowl. Perhaps this would be a mildly important conversation.

One would think Tatsuki would still be ignoring him, but she had already made it painfully clear that "Childhood Best Friend" status had certain privileges in regards to secrets, and that Ichigo's blatant disregard for these rules would result in pain. Horrible, horrible pain.

Let it never be said that Ichigo never learned, and that Tatsuki held grudges beyond the proper punishment.

Tatsuki was drawn out of amusing (to her) memories, and returned her attention to Ichigo, who finally decided to speak.

"So I found out that apparently, hollows do not have to eat souls." Ichigo commented, before returning to his speed-eating, seemingly satisfied with what he had to say or perhaps still unsure of what to say.

After waiting for the appropriate amount of time to allow Ichigo to expand on this seemingly random statement, Tatsuki exploded. "And? How did you find this out, why was it so important as to drag us over here, rather than going to our usual spot, and why does it matter to us?" Tatsuki burst out, making her displeasure known.

"Err; sorry, just trying to figure out the best way to put this. I found this out, because…because I had pancakes this morning." Ichigo continued, a little fearful, his blank mask actually slipping to show his nervousness. "And only pancakes." He mumbled, hoping they would connect the dots from that, rather than force him to say his secret out loud. What he wouldn't give for a way to just teleport the knowledge into their brains, rather than actually have this conversation.

Unfortunately, luck was not on his side, and neither made the rather vague connection. Or at least Tatsuki didn't. Chad rarely reacted to much of anything. On the other hand, Tatsuki's hands quickly found her face. She would not maim Ichigo so soon after last time. She would not!

"And what, pray tell, does you eating pancakes have to do with hollows?" Tatsuki finally ground out.

"Because, while it didn't fill me up, the pancakes curbed my hunger. It's important because after I ate the pancakes, I did not go on to attempting to eat the person who made said pancakes." Ichigo immediately left them to their shock, and returned to one of many delicious sandwiches waiting to be consumed by him, waiting for the explosion he prayed wouldn't happen.

Chad was the first to react.

He gave Ichigo the short upwards nod, a traditional sign of male solidarity, grunted softly, and returned to his sandwich. This was the beginning and the end of his reaction, along with a short but piercing look, enough to convey the message of "I've got your back, and that means taking you down if you do lose yourself to this." He then returned to his sandwich. Good old Chad had decided that this changed nothing of value, as Ichigo had clearly said he did not eat Yuzu, or he would be freaking out much more. And since Ichigo wasn't an unstoppable psychopath that meant all was well in Chad's book. Also, this sandwich is delicious.

Tatsuki, however, had a decidedly less easy to deal with reaction.

"What? You mean you're-! But-! But how?" Tatsuki was standing, an inch away from shrieking, which just wouldn't do. She had an image to maintain, even if it was subconsciously.

"Well…Last night, I had a dream."

Tatsuki sat down with a snort. "A Dream? No. There's more to this. I mean, I don't even feel any reiatsu emanating…from…you…" Tatsuki's mouth fell open; remembering the lack of pressure from Ichigo preceded his fight with Aizen.

With an annoyed look that quickly morphed into mild surprise, Ichigo continued. "Really? You don't feel anything? He wasn't lying then. Anyways, here's what happened…"

Ichigo woke up to the single most confusing sense of gravitational disorientation he'd ever felt, matched only by every other time he'd entered his thrice-damned mindscape. He had thought himself done with all of this soul nonsense, at least until he died. Clearly, someone else had other plans. The only problem was there was no one in here, and he could feel it. The place was empty

Empty except for small answering machine, one that looked like it belonged in America during the seventies. The cultural incongruity and placement was mildly disturbing.

Lacking anything better to do, he pushed play.

Oh, how he had come to loath the watery, distorted voice that started speaking.

"All right Ichigo, listen up and listen good, cause I'm pushing even the time-slowing mechanics of mindscapes to give you this message." It was the snide, other-worldly, utterly obnoxious voice of his hollow. "Anyways, you're probably wondering what the hell's going on, and, unfortunately, I have to be the one to tell you because Zangetsu over there is sulking over your decision." An annoyed grunt from said spirit was quickly covered up by the hollow's continued explanation.

"Short explanation? You're still a hollow. The long explanation? Shinigami powers are always semi-external. Your soul creates or absorbs a being designed regulate and act as a channel for your power. Hollows have no such thing. You have been and always will be a hollow until the day you're either purified or obliterated. I was nothing more than a metaphysical construct Zangetsu made to regulate your instincts. Mind you, that's the simple explanation. Comparing it to the complex explanation is like comparing basic geometry with advanced hyper-geometry."

His voice getting progressively duller, as if reading from a script, the hollow continued. "As for what happened; Mugetsu is basically you overloading Zangetsu. You pushed him beyond his ability to regulate. This burned him out. He's currently in a state between hibernating and destroyed. Since I'm created and live only as he does, I will soon enter the same state. Your Reiatsu, however, is a part of your soul, and will regenerate as if nothing happened. It can do this because there's no technical difference between hollow and shinigami reiatsu, just the shape it gets molded into."

By the end, his hollow was giving watching paint dry a run for its money on dull things to listen to. Thankfully, his voice brightened and with great relief he groaned "Fiiiiinally. I thought that would never end. Anyways, you're a hollow, and probably the most powerful being ever to exist. Try not to crush anyone beneath you're overwhelming power."

And with that, the message stopped.

"You called that a dream?" Tatsuki deadpanned.

"So I couldn't think of a better way to describe it. It doesn't matter what I called it."

"Whatever. Anyways, what did you mean by hollows eating normal food? They have to eat souls, and…and that means you will too, doesn't it?" Tatsuki countered, starting to look very worried and a little sick to boot.

"When I woke up…I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. It was like if you put a plate of freshly baked muffins in front of a starving man. I could only be diverted by food that was easier to reach and eat. After I finished, I became sane." For an instant, Ichigo's face was consumed by an all-encompassing melancholy and pessimism.

"I…If I'm careful, I'll never eat a soul. Hollows…my guess is, while they're heavily encouraged to, they don't have to. Basically, there are two reasons for why a hollow eats souls. First, they're almost always ravenously hungry. I mean look at me, I've been eating this whole time, and I'm still not full. Anyways, that's enough to easily drive them to eat. The worst part is thus: souls smell very tasty, no matter how weak they are. Combine the best scents you could possibly imagine for prey, and you have very powerful reasons to just eat humans."

A sick look covered Ichigo's face as he continued. "The problem is, from what I've heard, once you eat one, you can't stop. From comments the arrancar have made, it sounds like if you become too weak, like from hunger, the other souls inside you can rise up to try and take control."

Finally, Ichigo's face settled on determination. He gave a hard look at both of his most loyal friends and said, "If I lose myself like that, I can't be stopped. I need your help. We much make sure I'm never hungry enough to eat another soul."

A/N: Alternate Title: Yuzu's Saves the Day!