Disclaimer : All characters and places belong to their respective owners, ©2004-2008.
A/N: My warped take on a Nanoha Thanksgiving short story full of parodies, satire, tongue-in-cheek jokes, pop culture references, distortions of the fourth wall, Katamari Damacy references, Engrish, and a surprise cameo. Nothing too deep but much more twisted than the second piece of crack I'm writing . . . (and let's not forget Punch Through the STONE CIRCLE Chapter Two).
So, uh, hope you all had a Happy Turkey Day :D.
TATAKAI! Abaremawaru no ShichiMENCHOU
(BATTLE! The Turkey RAMPAGE)
It was the eve of Thanksgiving, the Day of the Turkey. Where people raided grocery stores for mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, dinner rolls, gravy, cranberries, yams -- and, of course, the delicious honey-glazed turkey.
There was just one problem . . . .
"Every store in a twenty-mile radius is out of TURKEYS?!" Lieutenant Colonel Hayate Yagami slammed her fists on the table, causing the members of Riot Force Six to jump in their seats. Her shoulders shook with barely suppressed rage. "Sunnuva BITCH!"
"Relax, Hayate," said Nanoha Takamachi, the division's Ace of Aces, coolly. "We have everything we need."
Ace Enforcer Fate T. Harlaown nodded. "Yes. Surely we don't have to have follow traditions."
"BUT WE MUST!" cried Yagami, lifting her fiery gaze to the gathering. "It's in our HEARTS to relish the taste of a TURKEY!"
"Well, I can get us a quail," added Subaru Nakajima, a/k/a the Force's clown. "Quails taste pretty good--"
"WE ARE GONNA HAVE A TURKEY, AND WE ARE GONNA HAVE IT TOMORROW NIGHT!" exclaimed Lieutenant Colonel, jabbing a finger at the younger girl. "So fuck the quail and FUCK YOU!"
Subaru withered under the outburst, reduced to a shell-shocked, chibified version of herself, eyes wide and jaw dropped.
Next to her, Enforcer-to-be Teana Lanstar clapped a hand to her brow and shook her head, clicking her tongue.
"So what do we do now?" questioned the medic, Shamal.
Hayate clenched her fist, grey irises glinting with an unknown light and the Kanji for 'Just what I needed to hear!' suddenly appearing in the background. "YOOSHA! I am glad you asked, Shamal-sensei! Zafira-inu, display the projector!"
The Guardian Beast turned the device on with a touch of his paw. The screen flickered several times before clicking into place. It showed the map of Mid-Childa's city quadrant from a bird's-eye view. To the side were the demographics detailing the population of human, magical device, unison device, and turkey in colorful dots.
"Look here, fellow soldiers! The data provided to us shows that there are NO TURKEYS within the vicinity of the Saint Church borders and the abandoned Jirai battle-site in West Mid. HOWEVER, Zafira and I have noticed a spike in the number of turkeys migrating in groups from the south.
"BEHOLD! THE ANSWER TO OUR DILEMMA!" she practically screamed, stabbing that same finger at a circular pattern of brown dots some ways from the barracks. "There is a turkey camp ONE MILE from where we're situated! I was thinking the best course of action would be to send a strong, venerable candidate to infiltrate their forces and kidnap a big, juicy bird for us to ritualize!
"The question is," she paused as she cupped her chin, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial tone, "which resident badass will I choose to partake this mission? Let's see . . . ."
Subaru shot her arm up in the air like an elementary student wanting to answer a question. "OI! SENSEI! PICK ME! I'LL KICK THE GREATEST ASS!"
"Tch, what ass have you kicked lately?" Teana asked, head in her palm.
"I've been in four fanfics, and not ONCE have I failed to fulfill the goals directed by GP-sama!"
"What about that one time in Mach MESSER? Like that one drabble where the tree owned you."
"That was a miscalculation on nature's part!"
"Or the time Ginga and me made you eat a face full of snow?"
"You were just lucky!"
"And who can forget RAGE Against the MACHINE? That was based on canon."
"Okay, now you're just deflating my ego!"
"Remember SideWINDER? Almost got yourself killed by Blue Eyes White Dragon."
"But I was badass! Reviewers V and Person With Many Aliases think so!"
"And don't think you've gotten off easy during What's In A Name. You still owe me for that Lugia stint you pulled on the set."
"Well, I've yet to see you star in your own fanfic!"
"Don't worry. When I do, I'll give you the most challenging ass-kicking you've ever felt."
"Will it be with love?"
"Don't start."
"AH! You have to choose me, Lieutenant Colonel!" called Elio Mondial from the end of the table. "I had a ripped sleeve in the last episode of StrikerS, so that MUST make me ultimately BADASS!"
"I summoned Voltaire TWICE, so you must be referring to me, Lieutenant Colonel!" Caro Ru Lushe added, madly waving her hand.
"But I had a ripped sleeve, showing off my manliness!"
Caro folded her arms over her chest. "Care to explain those cross-dressing pictures on the Internet, then?" When Elio's face burned red and didn't offer a defensive response, the dragon summoner smirked. "Thought so."
Fate laughed at her adopted children. "Please, your feats are nothing compared to what I did in Punch Through the STONE CIRCLE and Eternal Phoenix. After all, I am a main character to GP-sama's fabulous The Bygone Years Saga."
"Oi, don't forget about Signum and me!" Vita the Iron Hammer Knight interjected. "We had our fair share in the spotlight, too! Hell, look at the responses I got for m'role in Steel Gray Soul!"
Signum nodded. "Hmmm, I do agree. After all, fellow Fanfiction reviewer markesellus said I was pwnsome in Clockwork SIGMA. Therefore, I shall be the one Mistress Hayate picks to purge the turkey brigade."
Nanoha snorted derisively. "You're all a bunch o' idiots. The series is called Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, not Fate Going Commando In Her Barrier Jacket or Who Wants To Make Himself Look Like A Jackass on Fanfiction. 'Sides, if Hayate wants a turkey so bad she should hunt it down herself."
"NANOHA!!" came Yagami's almighty, thunderous declaration. A wicked smile graced her lips. "You whore of Babylon, I choose YOU to fetch THAT TURKEY! I Whether it's knocked up or fucked up, I want you to get us a plump li'l bastard that's ripe for harvest!"
". . . Did she just call me the whore of Babylon?" parroted the Ace of Aces.
"Oh, and you're not allowed to come back until you bag Big Bird, so get your ass in gear! At my command under the discretion of GP-sama, I say to you: M-SHUN SUTAATO!" She flashed a victory sign at the Instructor as 'Katamari on the Rocks' blared loudly over the PDA system.
Nanoha frowned deeply. "Fuck."
So our fellow magi made the journey to the location of the turkey camp, which was in the neck of the local park. Clad in her flowing white Barrier Jacket and the staff of Raging Heart in hand, she took to the woods bordering the land. It was the perfect place to hide amongst the greenery and commence an ambush on the unsuspecting avians, but it would have to be quick. It would have to be sudden.
It would have to be . . .
DAINAMIKU!!
Nanoha rubbed her temples with her free hand. "Oi, oi, GP-sama, I don't need your exhilarating Engrish at this moment."
No?
"No. I just want to find the damn rooster and get this over with."
Ah. Then in that case I advise you to be extra, EXTRA careful. These turkeys could be very dangerous!
"Heh. How bad could they be?"
Think Jail Scaglietti-bad!
"Bah, they're just turkeys, GP-sama. I'll give 'em the ol' Divine Buster routine and all's well will end well! It'll be on our plates before you know it." She stopped and pushed aside some bushes; peering past its cover provided a clear view of the camp, its feathery occupants grazing and resting beneath leafless trees. Their "kee-kees" and purrs and ever present gobbles consisted of nature's background music.
She grinned. "This is an excellent spot, don'tcha think, GP-sama?"
I'm tellin' you, this is a bad idea! Those turkeys have abilities beyond your comprehension!
The Ace rolled her eyes. "Like what? Plot twists? Red herrings? Foreshadowings?"
Even worse! If I were you, I'd eat an eagle! . . . or a quail! Not like I ever had quail, but I'm sure it tastes damn good!
"Well, there's the problem. I can't go back unless I get a turkey for Hayate and her famished Lesbian Army (courtesy of whoever conjured that wonderful idea), so it's either do this or have them bitch and moan and my head chewed off. What's it going to be?"
You wanna get the turkey? Fine. Do it. Shank that bastard, but don't say I didn't warn you, Nan-to-ka!
'For the love of Sankt Kaiser, do you have to call me that?' "Tch, whatever. Raging Heart, Shooting Mode!"
"(SHOOTING MODE....)"
A trio of wings sprouted along the staff's length.
"Initiate W.A.S. Lock-On!"
A globe of pink energy gathered at its tip.
"(....W.A.S. LOCK-ON COMPLETE. ALL TARGETS GREEN.)"
The alchemical circle appeared beneath poised feet.
"YOOOSHA! Let's ROCK their WORLD!"
(Somewhere in a different dimension a short, brown-haired girl clad in glasses reared back in her chair and gave a poor imitation of Dio's Za Warudo steamroller scream.)
Nanoha's lips stretched into a predatory grin. "MY BEAM IS THE BEAM THAT WILL PIERCE THE GALAXIES! DIVINE . . . BUSTER!"
The massive beam blasted forward--
--the turkeys sat up, blinked, and looked to the disturbance--
--light encompassed the camp--
--Nanoha cackled madly--
--the turkeys yelped in fright, shock, and surprise, eyes popping out of their sockets--
--the author of this fanfic performed a half-assed version of The Worm on her bedroom floor--
--AND THERE WAS A GREAT WHITE LIGHT! WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE AND EXPLOSIONS AND--!
We interrupt this program for a moment of silence.
TURKEYS
(NOVEMBER 27, 2008 - NOVEMBER 27, 2008)
You will always be in our hearts and stomachs.
And Fanfiction's members of the Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha archive mourned the loss of their beloved friends--
CHOTTO MATTE! (WAIT A MINUTE!)
SORE WA NAN DESU KA?! (WHAT IS THAT?!)
. . . M-MASAKA . . . ! (. . . IT CAN'T BE . . . !)
KORE WA . . . ! (IT'S . . . !)
As the smoke dissipated, a giant shape emerged into the sunlight. The turkeys uncovered their eyes, beheld their savior, and erupted in wild cheers.
What glee Nanoha possessed was wiped clean off her face, sheer terror gripping her very core. Why? Because towering above her in all its feathery, ten-foot glory was the biggest, fattest, meanest-looking sunnuvabitch turkey she had ever seen. It glared murderously through thick grey eyebrows, a bushy mustache and flowing beard.
The girl's knee buckled together. A shiver ran up her spine and, if she didn't know any better, the acrid smell of urine hit her full force.
She waved timidly at the massive bird. "Hehehehe . . . Um, how's it goin'?"
To her horror, the old avian spoke in a deep James Earl Jones voice: "GOBBLE. GOBBLE."
SHICHIMENCHOU-OYABUN!! (BOSS TURKEY!!)
And then the turkeys charged!
RUN LIKE HELL, KID! screamed the author!
"Kyaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" shrieked Nanoha, arms thrown up in the air and turning to make a mad dash for sanctuary, but Shichimenchou-oyabun's shadow engulfed her whole in mere seconds and--!
We interrupt this program for a moment of silence.
NANOHA TAKAMACHI
(OCTOBER 1, 2004 - NOVEMBER 27, 2008)
You will always be in our hearts.
And Fanfiction's members of the Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha archive and Riot Force Six mourned the loss of their beloved friend while Fate continued to strangle GP-sama in the background--
"I'M NOT DEAD YET!!"
"(MY MASTER, THEY ARE GAINING US!)" cried Raging Heart. Behind them, a cloud of dust rose beneath the turkeys' talons.
Hot-blooded manly tears cascaded in rivers from Nanoha's azure irises. "I DON'T WANNA DIE! I DON'T WANNA DIE! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!"
THIS is the White Devil I found kickass in StrikerS episode twenty-five's awesome pwnage?!
"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"
What kinda a woman are you?! BUCK UP, DAMMIT!
"BUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO, SO MUCH TO SEE! I HAVE SO MANY GOALS TO MEET!"
Like what?!
"I HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT WITH FATE YET!"
YOU HAVEN'T?!?
"I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS!" She sniffed. "DAMN YOU, HAYATE-KUSOGAKI!"
"Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble!" clucked the turkeys angrily.
"GOBBLE!" commanded Shichimenchou-oyabun from the pack's rear.
"(MASTER, WE MUST MAKE A LAST STAND!)" urged the ruby pearl device. "(YOU WANT TO LIVE, RIGHT?!)"
"By the Gods, YES!"
"(THEN WE MUST FIGHT THEM! FOR THANKSGIVING!)"
For Katamari Damacy!
"(FOR RIOT FORCE SIX!)"
For quails!
"(FOR FATE'S SEXY ASS!)"
LEEROY JENKINS!
"(FOR FANFICTION!)"
"You're right! I must fight for the love of our taste buds! Raging Heart, Axle Fin!"
"(AXLE FIN!)"
The Ace of Aces rocketed ahead of the mob, searching for a place to mark the epic BRAWL. Spotting a pinnacle of rock, wider than it was tall, she made a leeway for it and landed in front of it.
Turning her back to it, she brandished Raging Heart. "COME ON, YOU LILY-LIVERED PHEASANTS! MAKE MY DAY!"
"Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble!"
"BA-KAW!" squawked Shichimenchou-oyabun, bowling his compatriots as he surged to the front.
"Uuuuuuuuoooooooooooooo!" rang Nanoha Takamachi's war cry, charging headlong into the pack, staff raised, ready to kick their freakin' a--!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttt--
THE FOLLOWING CUTSCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED AND REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.
PLEASE STAND-BY.
(The chorus for Ayumi Hamasaki's 'Evolution' plays.)
Seven hours later. Midnight.
The doors to Central Command's war room hissed open, revealing a familiar person in white covered in bruises, cuts, and turkey blood -- including that of her own.
Fate was the first to react. "Holy crap, Nanoha! What in Mid happened to you?!"
"A lot," the Devil replied. She approached Hayate Yagami and held up the prize in her left hand. "Here's your bird."
The Lieutenant Colonel did a double-take. "What the . . . ? Nanoha, this is a quail! Where the hell's our turkey?"
"Yeah, about that," said Takamachi blandly. "Next time you want a turkey, you go get it yourself. I am NOT doing that ever again. The shit I went through to get this quail? Unimaginable. I was this close, THIS CLOSE, to getting my ass pecked to death by rampaging turkeys and their species-confused Boss, but I made it! I. MADE. IT. All I had to do was scope the park and cap the thing. Simple as that. It's MUCH FASTER and even BETTER than using Starlight Breaker on a stupid turkey. I don't know why we didn't listen to Subaru earlier, so here." Nanoha dropped the dead bird in Hayate's lap. "Take this: skin it, disembowel it, what the fuck ever. Tomorrow night we're having some goddamned quail for a change and you're GONNA LIKE IT."
Yagami blanched at the dripping thing, too disgusted to move and push it onto the floor.
"WOOT! WOOT! We're finally gonna have a quail for Thanksgiving!" Subaru enlightened.
"Hmph, at least it's different," grunted Vita.
"I bet the quail tastes just as good as turkey!" speculated Caro.
"Despite breaking tradition, I believe this is a good change of pace," said Signum.
"Indeed," affirmed Shamal.
"I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!" Nakajima shouted whole-heartedly before Teana pressed the girl's head to the table surface and told her to 'save the merriment for when it's needed'. Erio couldn't help but laugh.
Nanoha walked to the door from which she came, inwardly sighing with relief. 'Thank the Gods it's over. Now . . . for some much deserved rest.'
"Nanoha?"
She stopped and cast a sidelong glance at Fate, who was right within her personal space. Unaware of the blush forming on her cheeks, she turned to her fully. Obviously the young woman had a questioning glean in her eyes, a sort of confession she had to make. But what?
"What's up, Fate?" 'Gods, is she hot, standing there all vulnerable and confused . . . .' "Somethin' wrong?"
"I need to talk to you," the blond started, "It's important, but . . ."
"But?" 'I should want to look at yours right about now.'
". . . It's quite crowded and . . . I'd rather speak to you alone." She brushed her body, namely her hip, against the other woman, as if she were taking caution.
A flare of heat sparked down south, and it caught her breath. 'Hot damn!' "Alone, you say?" stammered the Ace.
Fate nodded, humming acquiescently. She placed a finger on the girl's collar bone and rubbed in slow circles. "Alone," she repeated gently. "It can't wait."
Her heart skipped a beat. 'Fuck! What do I do? I-I never did this before! Oh GP-sama, if you were here right now, I could use your hel--'
Glancing over the Enforcer's shoulder erased any doubts she had when she saw a short girl who looked to be her age, sporting glasses and her long brown hair wrapped in a pony-tail, standing off to one side of the room holding a picket sign. In crude black Kanji, it read: GO FOR IT!
'How did she know I--?'
The girl's deadpan look said it all.
'Oh!'
Nanoha smiled devilishly.
The girl smiled back and gave her a thumbs-up.
Takamachi reached over and plucked a gold strand of hair from lustful burgundy portals. "Alright, Fate. What do you want to talk about?"
It was Thanksgiving Day, and the peoples of Mid-Childa were engrossed in the throes of mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, dinner rolls, gravy, cranberries, yams -- and, of course, the delicious honey-glazed turkey.
At the foothills of the city park, Shichimenchou-oyabun and his remaining troop watched the sun begin its descent into eventide.
Lifting a bandaged wing to his chest, Boss Turkey studied the White Devil's hair ribbon in a rare moment of humility and begrudging respect.
He looked to the darkening sky, all emotion lost to the pride of his profession.
"WE WILL BE BACK, GOBBLE."
But not for a long time . . . .
OWARI! (END!)