Title: Hansel
Pairings: Barney/Robin, Marshall/Lily, Ted/the Mother
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The story of how Robin falls in love with Halloween, and Ted continues to hope. Inspired by comments made by Ted, Robin, and FutureTed in 1x06, "Slutty Pumpkin". Written like an episode.
Author's Note: This story takes place post-The Leap in an imaginary season five universe in which Robin and Barney are dati---being awesome together. Right? Because "dating" is lame. Uh, huh. Suit up! Anyway, read my fic "Greece Lightning" because it takes place before this in my imaginary season five.
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination. And if I don't own that, I may sue for the rights to it.
****
Kids, you know how I told you that back in 2005, Aunt Robin thought she was too cool for Halloween? And she was worried about being too cool for a lot of things?
ROOFTOP - "2005"
Robin sits down on a cooler across from Ted, who's slumped on the ground against a wall.
"Well, what if I'm just a cold person? Tonight, Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me, but I couldn't be Gretel," says Robin sadly. "Why can't I be Gretel?"
"Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet," says Ted reassuringly. "One day you're gonna meet a guy who's gonna make you want to look like a complete idiot."
Now you know Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween, always dressing up in crazy costumes. Well, this is the story of how she got that way - and helped me a bit in the process.
____
MACLAREN'S - "2009"
Marshall and Lily are sitting across from each other in their regular booth at MacLaren's. Both are silent and not looking at each other, and they jump in their seats when Ted loudly says, "Hey, guys," as he sits down next to Lily.
"Hi, Ted," says Marshall quietly.
"Hello, Ted," says Lily tersely.
Ted frowns. "Are you guys mad at me? Because I didn't mean that thing I said about the furniture ghost in your building."
"I am not angry with you, Theodore," says Marshall, but he's staring pointedly at Lily as he does so. "But you really shouldn't disrespect him, I don't want to wake up with all our furniture moved slightly to the left again," he adds under his breath, glancing at Ted. "It's scary."
"Well, I am," says Lily strongly. She turns to look at Ted. "You ruined Halloween."
Ted's eyes widen. He places his hands on the table, and then slides over to sit next to Marshall. "Okay, Lily, what did I do?"
"Marshall won't wear the costumes I bought because of something you just had say," says Lily.
"It's not Ted's fault," says Marshall. "I shouldn't have watched it."
"Watched what?" asks Ted. "What are you talking about?"
"We had our costumes all planned out," says Lily, glaring at Ted, "and it was going to be adorable. And Marshall's costume was warm, and he wasn't going to catch a cold."
FLASH TO TED & ROBIN'S APARTMENT - "YESTERDAY"
Marshall and Barney are sitting on the couch, drinking beer and watching television. Ted walks out of his bedroom and joins them.
But you just had to ruin everything.
"So Lily's and my costumes came yesterday," says Marshall.
"Oh, what're you two going as?" asks Barney, mildly interested, but continuing to text on his phone.
"Why, thank you for asking, Barney," says Marshall. "My lovely wife and I will be honoring a seventy-year-old classic film by going as Dorothy and Toto."
"Dorothy?" Ted frowns. "You sure those feet can fit into Dorothy's ruby slippers?"
"Haha, very funny. Lily is going to be Dorothy; I'm Toto."
"Well, duh, Ted," Barney says. "Don't you know that he's Lily's bitch?"
Ted laughs and Marshall says, "Whatever, dude," he looks down at Barney's phone, "you're texting Robin right now. You sure you wanna talk about whipped?"
Barney glares and puts his phone in his jacket pocket.
Ted laughs again. "So, Wizard of Oz costumes, huh?" Marshall nods. "Hey, have you ever tried the whole watching Wizard of Oz while listen to Dark Side of the Moon thing?" Marshall shakes his head. "I remember trying it in high school. It's not that big of a deal, but it's kind of cool."
FLASH TO LILY & MARSHALL'S APARTMENT - "LATER THAT DAY"
And I wasn't home to stop him.
Marshall is sitting on the couch, his eyes wide. "On The Run" is playing in the background. "Oh my goodness," he says shakily. "Dorothy's running."
FLASH TO MACLAREN'S - PRESENT
"Now, he's afraid that the movie is cursed, and he won't wear the Toto costume," says Lily.
"It's perfectly rational to be concerned," says Marshall defensively. "I mean, Pink Floyd says it was a total coincidence. Isn't that creepy?"
"Marshall, people dress up like characters from Wizard of Oz every year, and none of them get struck down by lightning," says Ted.
"I don't care. I don't feel comfortable with it," says Marshall, crossing his arms.
"With what?" asks Robin, sitting down next to Lily.
"Dressing up as Toto," says Marshall.
Robin frowns. "The band?"
"The dog," says Ted.
"That makes more sense," says Robin. "Sadly."
Lily sighs angrily. "Let's just drop it, okay?" She turns to Robin. "What are you doing for Halloween, Robin?"
Robin shrugs. "Not sure."
Marshall frowns. "You don't have plans with Barney?"
"He hasn't mentioned it," she says nonchalantly
Ted, Marshall, and Lily look at each other. "Oh boy," says Ted.
"What?" asks Robin.
"Come on, Robin," says Ted. "You know how much Barney loves Halloween. I mean, you get to dress up and pretend you're someone other than yourself - it's basically a holiday that validates what he already does."
"Yeah, and he always has a crazy plan," says Lily. "He tries to get us to go to all those wild parties."
"And he'll wear like five different costumes in one night," adds Marshall.
"I know all of that already," says Robin. "Yeah, Barney's crazy about Halloween - why is that an 'Oh boy'?"
"Robin, you don't care about Halloween," says Lily. "You never dress up; you make fun of Marshall, Ted, and I for dressing up and participating in a what you say is a tradition invented to teach little kids that candy is bad by scaring them when they receive it. You think Halloween's lame."
"Look, I'm just not that into Halloween. Barney knows that - I don't think it's going to be a problem," says Robin casually. "He probably just hasn't mentioned it because he's not sure what he wants to do yet."
Everyone stares at Robin. "Robin, honey," says Lily, "it's Barney."
"He's got a plan," says Ted.
"So what? You think he's not telling me because he doesn't want me to come?" asks Robin, obviously offended.
"No, honey, he probably thinks you wouldn't want to," says Lily quickly.
Robin nods. "Well, the son-of-a-bitch knows me. I wouldn't want to," she says decisively. "Halloween is lame." She picks up her purse and walks away from the booth. The group stares after her.
"And you think I ruined Halloween?" says Ted quietly.
As Robin heads for the door, Barney enters. He smiles and starts to greet her, but before he gets through, "Hello," she's brushed past him and exited the building.
Barney frowns and walks over to the booth. "What's up with Scherbatsky?" he asks, thumb pointing at the imaginary dust settling from Robin's angry departure.
The group looks around and mumbles random excuses:
"Probably her time of the month."
"Canada's on fire!"
"Something about a goat."
Barney looks around at them and then sits beside Lily. He stretches one arm and rests it on the back of the booth, leaning intimidatingly towards her. "Lily, what is Robin upset about?"
Lily bites her lip and shrinks lower in her seat. "Robin's upset?" she squeaks.
Barney slams his fist on the table and turns back to Marshall and Ted. "Seriously, guys, what's up?" he asks, in a more conversational tone.
"Okay, Barney, were you planning on doing something with Robin on Halloween?" asks Ted.
Barney's shrugs. "I don't know. Why?"
"Well, she said you hadn't mentioned anything to her," says Marshall. "So we kinda thought you might be - you know - flying solo that night. She didn't seem to like that."
"I haven't made any plans."
"Barney, come on, you're obsessed with Halloween," says Ted. "You always have at least ten different parties lined up in order of hot girl to guy ratio."
"Well, of course, I know of some parties around the city I might hit, but nothing's set in stone," says Barney. "I was going to invite Robin. I always invite you guys."
Ted frowns. "Isn't inviting Robin and inviting all of us different?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that we're your friends, and Robin's your---"
"Canadian!" shouts Lily.
Ted looks over at Lily. "What?"
"Barney, you look like you need a drink," says Lily sweetly. "Why don't you go get a drink?"
"But---"
"Barney, go get a drink," Lily repeats firmly. She glares at him, lays her arm on the back of the seat, and mimics his intimidating body language from earlier.
Barney shrinks away. "Okay, okay." He jumps up and walks to the bar.
Lily turns quickly to Ted and Marshall. "Don't call Robin his girlfriend," she says seriously.
"What? Why not?" asks Ted.
"It'll freak him out," says Lily. "You know how he is about commitment and monogamy. But, amazingly enough, he's doing both of those right now, and really well. Don't ruin it by making him notice."
"But they are dating? And they're only dating each other? So, technically, she is his---"
"Canadian," says Lily through her teeth. She grips the table and leans towards Ted. "Technically, she is Canadian. That's all."
Ted shrinks down in his seat. "Okay, okay," he squeals.
Barney sits back down next to Lily, drink in hand. "What were you saying, Ted?"
Ted glances nervously at Lily. "Just that . . . it's different when you invite Robin out to things because, uh, you know . . . you guys . . . " Barney is staring at him, confused. "She's . . . she's just so Canadian."
Barney laughs and nods. "Yeah, it's a shame."
"Yeah, and since she's Canadian," Ted tries, "it's kind of more important that you invite her out on Halloween than you invite us."
"Uh, last time I checked, Ted, Canadian's aren't crazy into Halloween," says Barney. "I don't even think they celebrate it. Too much French influence for proper partying."
"Canada celebrates Halloween," states Marshall. "So does France."
"Besides Robin doesn't even like Halloween," says Barney, ignoring Marshall. "Wait a minute. I see what you're saying, Ted."
"Yes! Thank you," says Ted, relieved. He smiles at Lily.
"I have to get Robin to like Halloween!" Barney grins. "You're right, it's ridiculous that she doesn't. She really should be more American."
"Barney, you can't force Robin to like a holiday," says Lily. "That usually has the opposite effect."
Barney waves his hand flippantly. "Please." He throws back the rest of his drink and slams the empty glass on the table. He stands and points at Ted. "Challenge accepted," he declares, turning and walking out of the bar.
"Seriously, where was the challenge in that one?" asks Ted, looking at Marshall and Lily. They shrug.
___
BARNEY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY
Robin knocks on Barney's door and waits with her arms crossed and a stern expression. The door suddenly flies open and an arm reaches out to pull her in.
BARNEY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Robin is being dragged by Barney across the rooom. "Wait, Barney, I have to talk to---"
"I have something to show you," says Barney, continuing to pull her by the arm.
Robin stops in her tracks. "No, Barney, not now. I'm really tired - and I need to talk to you."
"No," laughs Barney. "I mean, nice - but that's not what I wanted to show you."
"Okay, good. Look, we really need to talk," says Robin.
Barney's hand drops from her arm and he steps back. He closes his eyes and sighs. "All right, I get it. This has been nice, but we're better as friends. It's not me, it's you. You're just really focused on your career right now---"
"Barney," Robin stops him. She smiles and laughs lightly, "Barney, I'm not breaking up with you."
"Oh." He lets out a sigh of relief and then grabs her arm again. "Kay, then, come on." He pulls her by the arm into his 'suit room'.
BARNEY'S APARTMENT - SUIT ROOM
There are racks of suits lined up and filling most of the room. The last rack, however, is filled colorful costumes. One side appears to have men's clothes; the other has women's.
"What the hell is this?" asks Robin, staring at the clothes.
"Halloween costumes," says Barney matter-of-factly. "You and I are going to the most awesome party New York City has to offer on Saturday night. It's going to be legen - wait for it---" He reaches towards the costume rack and pulls out a white poster that has string attached to it on the top corners. He throws the string around his neck and points down at the sign. It reads, 'DARY!'.
Robin smirks. "Halloween?"
"Yes, best holiday of the year, it's gonna be awesome," says Barney excitedly.
"And you want me to wear," she points at the assortment of costumes, "one of these?" She gives him a look.
Barney sticks his lip out. "Please?"
Robin shakes her head. "Just because you say 'please' doesn't mean I'm going to wear a costume." Barney cocks an eyebrow at her, and she flushes. "In public," she clarifies. "No way, Halloween costumes are lame."
"Please, Scherbatsky, do I ever do anything lame?"
"That thing with the 'dary' sign wasn't exactly---"
"OKAY, whatever," he cuts her off. "Do we ever do anything lame?" Robin raises her eyebrows. "When we're not with Ted and Marshall and Lily?"
"No, Barney," Robin monotones. "We don't do anything lame."
"Exactly," he exclaims. "And why would we do injustice to the best holiday of the year? Robin. We're going to be awesome. And what's Halloween without costumes?"
"A holiday for grownups?"
"Psshht, Scherbatsky, look at you - you could rock anyone of these costumes. You know you want to try." Barney grins and winks at her.
Robin smiles, flattered. She reaches over and pulls a space suit off the rack. "All right. But not this one." She leans over the rack and looks at the next one. She gasps. "You had a Robin Sparkles costume made?" she shrieks. She whips around, but Barney has already ran out of the room, and she can hear him laughing loudly across the apartment.
___
TED & ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Marshall and Lily are sitting on the couch, looking at a magazine.
"Okay," says Ted walking into the room, carrying two wardrobe bags. "I asked you guys to come over because I think I found the answer to your problem." He hands each of them a bag.
They unzip the bags and look inside. "Ted, these are our costumes from like eight years ago," says Lily.
"I know, you left them here. I thought, you know, if you wore them again, no one would remember," says Ted. "And I bet that gold dress looks even better on you now, Marshall."
Marshall glares and says, "Just because you wear the same costume ever year, doesn't mean the rest of us want to."
"Yeah, and the hanging chad bit doesn't get funnier with time," says Lily.
"Okay, I was just trying to help," says Ted. "You said you didn't think you'd be able to find good costumes in two days. Those are good costumes."
"Toto and Dorothy are good costumes," says Lily, glaring at Marshall.
"Okay, okay, fine, we'll wear them," says Marshall. "But if we're cursed forever, I'm holding it against you, woman."
"Yeah, yeah," says Lily, sounding annoyed. But then she smiles proudly at Ted. Robin walks out of her room, and Lily turns to her and shouts, "I'm going to be Dorothy."
Robin laughs. "Good for you," she says. "Apparently, I'm dressing up, too."
Ted raises his eyebrows. "Really? As what?"
"I don't know," she shrugs.
"So Barney convinced you to dress up?" asks Lily.
"Damn it, he always completes his own challenges," says Marshall to Ted.
"Yeah," says Robin to Lily. "I mean, he loves Halloween, and I figure I might as well give it a try."
"Plus, you can watch him," says Ted. "Make sure he doesn't hit on other women."
"Heh, yeah, totally," says Robin unconvincingly. She picks up her purse and heads for the door. "See you guys." She walks out and almost slams the door behind her.
Ted frowns. "Did I say something wrong?"
"You have a tendency to do that," says Lily. "But I think this is something else." She stares with a concerned expression at the door.
Marshall is pulling the gold dress out of the bag. "If only I'd worn the red one," he sighs.
____
MACLAREN'S
Marshall and Lily enter the bar, wearing their costumes. Lily is in a classic blue and white Dorothy dress, complete with pig-tails, a basket, and ruby slippers. Marshall is wearing a large furry, brown dog suit and a dog ears head band. Ted sees them from the booth and laughs.
"You know, we tried," says Lily as they approach the booth, "but Toto just does not fit in my little basket." They sit down across from Ted. "But it does function as a great in-character purse."
"Yeah, and on Halloween, she usually finds some way to put all her junk in the pockets of my costume," says Marshall, annoyed.
Lily shrugs. "It's not my fault they don't make women's costumes with pockets. Even that Sonny costume didn't have pockets. But, somehow, that didn't really surprise me." She turns to Ted. "Are you going to dress up?"
Ted smiles and lifts up his ballot sign from under the table.
"Oh, no, Ted, come on," cries Lily. "You're not going up to the roof again."
"She's not coming, dude," says Marshall.
"I don't care," says Ted. "It's Halloween tradition."
"Look, you can hang out down here with us," says Lily. "Or, hey, why don't you go to that party with Robin and Barney?"
Ted laughs. "No way."
"It could be fun," says Marshall. "I mean, apparently Robin's dressing up. I'd pay to see that."
"I don't think I want to be around Halloween-Robin," says Ted. "She didn't seem happy when she left the apartment this evening. She was muttering about costumes and bringing her gun over to Barney's. I think they had some disagreements about what she should go as."
"She didn't want to be a Native American, I'm guessing," says Marshall, pointing to the front of the bar.
Robin and Barney have entered. She is dressed as a Native American, wearing a fringed brown suede dress along with beaded necklaces and a blue headband. He is wearing a Western button-up shirt, cowboy boots, and a ten-gallon hat.
"Wow," says Ted, as Robin and Barney join them at the booth.
"Cowboys and Indians, get it?" says Barney giddily.
Robin rolls her eyes and slides in next to Ted. Barney pulls up a chair, turns it around, and straddles it.
"So, an Indian?" asks Lily. "Doesn't seem like something you would pick out."
"Oh. It isn't." Robin glances sideways at Barney. "I wanted to be something cool like a hockey player or a spy or a police officer---"
"A mounty," Barney cuts in. "She wanted to dress as a mounty."
"---but Barney only got costumes that were really slutty or totally girly and lame," says Robin. "He wouldn't even let me be a cowgirl."
"Yeah, well, Scherbatsky would have dressed like a man," states Barney. "I knew she didn't have any idea for what's appropriate for a woman to wear on Halloween - By the way, Lily, your dress is a little long - so I had to step in and narrow her options."
"I'm married, Barney," says Lily. But when Wendy-the-Waitress walks by, Lily leans over and asks, "Hey, do you have any safety pins?"
"I think the Pocahontas look works for you," says Ted.
"Yeah, you look hot," agrees Lily.
"Thanks," Robin and Barney say simultaneously. Robin glares at Barney.
"So, you losers going to trade up in activities and go out with us?" asks Barney.
"Nah, Marshall and I are staying here for the costume contest," says Lily.
Barney shakes his head. "How can you do the same thing every year?"
Ted sits up straight. "Hey, yeah, you guys make fun of me, but you do the same thing every year, too."
Lily and Marshall squirm in their seats and look at each other. "We're married," shouts Marshall.
"Yeah, we're allowed to have holiday traditions," says Lily.
"Legally," says Marshall quickly. "We're legally bound to."
"Whatever," says Ted. "If I'm lame for waiting for the Slutty Pumpkin, you guys are lame for participating in the same costume contest every year."
"But there's a prize," squeals Lily.
"I think seeing the Slutty Pumpkin would be a bigger prize than a gift certificate for the bar."
"You know what? No - to all of you," says Barney loudly, pointing at Ted, Marshall, and Lily. "I'm tired of having the lamest friends on Halloween. We are all going out tonight." Ted, Marshall, and Lily groan and shake their heads. "Ted, do you want to see the Slutty Pumpkin this year?"
Ted frowns. "Well, yeah, that's why I'm going up---"
"No, no, no, Ted, you are not going up to the roof. You are coming out with the rest of us, and we are going to find the Slutty Pumpkin," declares Barney proudly.
"What? No, Barney. You're crazy. There's a million parties going on in New York tonight - why on earth do you think the Slutty Pumpkin will be at the one you're going to?"
"I don't. I don't know where she's going to be. But I do know that you've spent seven Halloweens up on that rooftop, waiting for her and she hasn't come back. So that is not where she's going to be tonight. We're going to find her. We'll stop at every party in the city if we have to---"
"Barney, that's physically impossible," says Ted.
"---and we will find your Slutty Pumpkin," he says. There is a beat of silence as the group stares at Barney. "Or, you know, at least get you a couple of Slutty Nurses' phone numbers."
"I don't know, Barney."
"I think it's a good idea, Ted," says Robin.
"Of course you do," says Marshall. "You're like Barney Two."
"Shut up, Marshall," says Robin indignantly. "I'm not the one dressed like a bitch."
Marshall grins smugly. "Barney made the same joke."
"Come on, you guys," says Barney, ignoring their argument and standing. "We have a lot of parties to go to."
Robin stands up, shrugging. She looks at Lily, pleadingly. Lily nods, glances at Marshall, and gets up. Marshall sighs and follows her. The group looks down at Ted. He groans and says, "Fine, but I'm bringing Hanging Chad." He picks up his ballot costume and follows the others out of the bar.
So, as we did far too many times in our youth, we listened to your Uncle Barney and went out on Halloween.
____
AN APARTMENT - "FIRST PARTY"
Barney leads the group into an apartment. He stops and looks around. "Yeah, this looks like a good place to start." He walks further into the crowded room. Ted and Marshall walk in another direction. Robin stops and turns to Lily.
"Hey, Lily, thanks for coming," she says. "I know you guys like to stay at MacLaren's and do the costume contest, but I'm glad you're here."
"No problem. I mean, we've won three times," says Lily. "They probably wouldn't have given it to us this year, anyway. And, hey, what was that look at the bar about?"
"I don't know," sighs Robin. "I wanted you guys to come tonight."
"Why?" Lily frowns. "You're not afraid to be alone with Barney, are you? Did he do something?"
"No, of course not. I'm alone with Barney a lot. And it's great."
"Oh, I bet," says Lily, giggling.
Robin frowns. "Stop it! I didn't mean that."
"Oh, right, right," says Lily. She pauses. "But that's like really good, isn't it?"
"Lily," Robin hisses.
"Sorry." She collects herself. "Anyway, what's up? Why didn't you want to be alone with him tonight?"
"It's like what you guys were talking about the other day," says Robin. "What Barney uses Halloween for. Hell, what Barney uses every night for. I mean, since we've been . . . you know, seeing each other, he hasn't hit on other women in front of me. But it's Halloween and I just didn't know if he was going to do that tonight. And I didn't want to be all alone if he did."
"Wait a minute," says Lily. "Are you okay with him hitting on other women?"
"I guess - I don't know. We haven't talked about it," says Robin. "I mean, I never said he couldn't. So I figured he still does. I just don't know if I want to watch it."
"I'm pretty sure that means you're not okay with it."
Robin sighs. "Well, what am I supposed to do?"
"Talk to him about it." Lily looks past Robin's shoulder. "And maybe before he gets Nurse Blondie's number."
Robin turns and sees Barney talking to a blonde woman in a revealing nurse costume. She glares and starts stalking towards him. Before she reaches him, he turns away from the nurse and rejoins Ted and Marshall, who are looking at the drink table. Robin sighs in relief and walks over to them.
"There's not even any Kahlua," says Ted angrily.
"Maybe she doesn't always drink the same thing," says Marshall.
"I don't think she's here," says Ted.
"Why don't you just ask?" offers Robin.
"Ask everyone in the party?" asks Ted. "Not exactly time efficient."
Robin turns and faces the party. She puts her hand to her mouth and makes a Native American call. Everyone in the party stops talking and moving around, staring at Robin. "Has anyone in here had a drink called a 'Tootsie Roll'?" There is mumbling and shaking of heads and Robin turns back to Ted, Marshall, and Barney. "There you go. Next party?"
____
AN APARTMENT - "SECOND PARTY"
The group enters an apartment in which most of the people are sitting down, conversing quietly.
"Oh God," says Barney. "It's a couples party."
"What if the Slutty Pumpkin's married?" asks Ted, his eyes wide.
"This isn't seriously the first time you thought about that?" says Lily.
Ted ignores her and walks into the party. Barney follows and manages to find the only unattached girl in the room. Robin watches, standing with Marshall and Lily near the door, as he chats her up. She looks around, angrily.
"Does anyone here drink Kahlua and root beer?" she asks loudly.
Again, the response is negative. She turns to Barney. "We can leave now," she says, looking at the girl next to him.
____
A BAR - "FIFTH PARTY"
"All right, this place is too big for me to yell," says Robin sadly as the group walks in. "Ted, start looking."
Ted walks into the bar with Barney and Marshall. Robin and Lily walk in another direction.
"Ted, I'm afraid, if you don't find the Slutty Pumpkin," says Marshall, "it's my fault."
Ted groans. "For the last time, your costume is not cursed."
"Hello," says Barney, looking at a brunette in a cat costume. "Or should I say, Me-ow." He looks at Ted, raising his hand for a high five.
Ted stares at him. "Shouldn't you be paying more attention to Robin? You know, your," he notices Marshall shaking his head and miming cutting his throat with his fingers, "Canadian friend." Ted grimaces at his inability to think on his feet.
"What are you talking about, Ted?" says Barney, missing the point. He pats Ted on the shoulder. "I'm here for you, man." He walks away from Ted and Marshall, towards the cat woman.
____
APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - "EIGHTH PARTY"
Barney's hand is on the doorknob. "I think this is the one, Ted," he says, turning the knob. He opens the door and walks in. Ted and the others start to follow, but Barney immediately walks back into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.
"Nope, not that one," says Barney, looking frazzled. "Let's go."
"Why? What's going on in there?" asks Ted.
Barney opens the door. Ted, Robin, Marshall, and Lily lean over to peek in.
"Oh my God, is that a real person?" cries Lily.
"What is that thing on fire?" asks Ted.
"Are they witches?" asks Robin.
Barney closes the door, and Marshall takes off running down the hall. The others look at each other and then follow him, running just as frantically.
____
DIFFERENT APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - "NINTH PARTY"
"All right, Ted," says Barney, about to open the door. "I feel it - it's this one. This is the party." He opens to the door, walking in. Again, he turns right around and goes back out before Ted and the others can follow him in.
"What? Another Wiccan get-together?"
"Uh, no," says Barney nervously.
"What then?" The group stares at Barney.
"I kind of nailed the hostess last year as Barack Obama," explains Barney. "I don't think she'll be happy to see me again."
Ted throws his hands up in the air and walks back down the hallway.
____
A HOUSE - "THIRTEENTH PARTY"
Marshall and Lily are standing in a crowded room. They look over and see that another couple is wearing the same costumes as them. Lily's jaw drops. Marshall shakes his head.
"You see?" he says quietly to Lily. "The Wizard of Oz is cursed."
"This wouldn't have happened if we just stayed at the bar," she sighs.
They turn their backs to another couple.
____
A PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - "NINETEENTH PARTY"
Robin is watching Barney grin and make small talk with a cowgirl. Lily approaches her.
"Hey, hon, is everything okay?"
"Pshht, yeah," says Robin hollowly. "I was just thinking that I'm so glad I didn't wear a cowgirl costume. How slutty, right?"
"Robin, this is really bothering you. You have got to talk to him," says Lily.
"Please."
Lily raises her eyebrows. "Marshall's right. You are turning into Barney."
Robin rolls her eyes. "If I were Barney, I'd be hitting on some barely legal tart right now, okay?"
"You know, Robin, I've seen you flirt with guys in front of Barney," says Lily.
"So?" Robin looks blankly.
"Sooo, it upsets him when you do that, too," says Lily.
Robin frowns. "Really?"
"Yes," says Lily. "And before you got together? Forget about it! He was a mess every time he heard about you sleeping with someone."
"He was?" She turns and looks at Barney, who's laughing with Cowgirl.
"Yes," says Lily. "Admit it or not, you two both get jealous. You guys need to talk about it. Or someone's going to get hurt."
Robin sighs, "You're right, Lily."
"I know," says Lily, smiling. "Now, come on," she slaps Robin on the back, "go give that cowgirl the boot."
Robin starts over towards Barney, but Ted intercepts her and says, "Come on, Sacagawea, we're going. She's not here, and I just had a very awkward conversation with a very male pumpkin. And I think he owns the place."
He pulls Robin towards the front door. As they pass Lily and Marshall, Robin groans and says, "God, I hate Halloween." Lily grimaces, looking at Marshall, and they follow Ted out of the party.
____
A BAR - "TWENTY-THIRD PARTY"
Ted, Barney, and Robin are scoping the room for the Slutty Pumpkin. They meet up in the middle
"Barney, this is getting ridiculous," says Ted. "Marshall and Lily are falling asleep," he points to Marshall and Lily, who are leaning against each other by the wall, both with their eyes closed
"Ted, we will find her," says Barney confidently. "Now, go do your part and ask about the drink."
Ted sighs and nods, walking away from Robin and Barney.
Robin turns to Barney. "You don't really think we're going to find the Slutty Pumpkin, do you?"
He shrugs. "Probably not, but I've gotten him like twenty numbers. One of the women even understood his costume."
Robin laughs for a moment, and then her eyes widen. "Wait a minute. Barney, were you talking to all those women to get numbers for Ted?"
"Of course," says Barney, frowning.
"Wow. I feel like an idiot, now," she says, turning to walk away.
Barney touches her arm. "Hey, is something up?" he asks, with a concerned expression.
"Nothing . . . It's stupid," says Robin, waving her hand.
"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," says Barney casually. "But, if you ever want to talk to me about something, you can."
"I know," she says. She looks at him for a long moment, then takes a breath. "I guess I was just afraid to go out with you tonight because we haven't really talked about whether or not we're exclusive. And if you don't want to be, that's okay. I just, I know you love Halloween because you can wear crazy costumes and hit on tons of girls, and then get changed and hit on them all again. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch that. But that's stupid. And I know it's stupid because if I'm going to be okay with a casual, open relationship, then I have to accept that's how you are and that's how you want to be. But I started thinking, when you hadn't asked me to do anything tonight, that it's not right that you feel like you have to do this stuff behind my back. And then you did ask me, and I came, and you were talking to all these women, but now I know you were doing it for Ted and I---"
Barney cuts her off, by pressing his lips against hers and wrapping his arms around her waist. When he pulls back, he says, "Sorry, you were getting too chatty." Robin smacks the back of his head. "I'm kidding. Listen, Scherbatsky, I get it if you don't want to be exclusive, but - just so you know - I haven't been with anyone else."
Robin frowns. "Really?"
Barney lets go of her and rubs the back of his neck nervously. "Hey, I don't want you spreading that around and ruining my rep, but yeah." He shrugs. "Why waste time trying to catch flounders when I can get a twenty-five-pound walleye any night of the week?" He winks.
"I think a little Canada is rubbing off on you," says Robin.
"Yeah, don't tell anyone about that either." He leaned towards her again. "That's not really the part I wanted rubbing off on me, though."
"Hey, guys," says Marshall. Barney pulls back from Robin and glares at him. "Have you seen Ted?"
"Yeah, he was just---" Robin looks around. "Where'd he go?"
"Honey, I can't find him anywhere," says Lily, approaching the three.
"Do you think he left?" asks Marshall.
"Maybe," says Lily. "He was kind of down about not finding the Pumpkin."
"Maybe he just went on to another party," says Marshall.
"Or back to the bar," says Lily.
"Or the apartment."
"Or to a liquor store to buy some Kahlua. You know, so he could make one of those Tootsie Roll drinks."
Marshall's eyes widen excitedly. "If he makes it, she will come," he almost shouts.
"Wait a minute," says Robin, holding her hand up to silence Marshall and Lily. "I know where he is."
____
ROOFTOP
Ted is sitting, leaning against the wall, as people leave the party. Robin climbs up from the fire escape.
"I had a feeling I'd find you here," she says, smiling at him.
"Hey," he says half-heartedly, glancing over at her.
"You know, Ted," she starts, walking slowly over to him. "Five years ago, I really did think you were absolutely insane for sitting up here all night."
"And now?"
"I still think you're absolutely insane," she says. "But I don't know, I think . . . I think I get it. Why you wait for her, I mean. You're not waiting for the Slutty Pumpkin; you're waiting for the future Mrs. Mosby. This ritual - it's just to prove to yourself you're not going to give up."
Ted snorts and looks down. "And you think that's pointless, don't you?"
"Five years ago, definitely," says Robin. "Now, I'm thinking: Hey. If it makes you happy, why not? And, Ted, a great guy like you? Your Slutty Pumpkin will figure out you're the guy she should share all her Tootsie Rolls with."
"Yeah, you did."
"Had to," she laughs. "I'm serious, Ted. You're an amazing guy. You're the guy who told me five years ago tonight, after I had acted like a complete bitch to my date, that I wasn't wired wrong," she says, almost sadly. "You've helped me so much. You deserve the best girl in the world."
"Thanks, Robin," says Ted. He looks up at her. "And I wasn't just saying that - you aren't wired wrong. You aren't as cold as you think."
"Heh, I'm not so sure," she says, shaking her head. "I couldn't make it work with you, and you were trying so hard."
Ted shrugs. "I don't know. Marshall always says that if it's right, it should be the easiest thing in the world. I guess I just wasn't your Hansel." He smirks. "But it looks like you found the guy you were willing to look like a total idiot for."
Robin laughs. "I do look like a total idiot, don't I?" Ted nods. "You know what the craziest part is?" she says, sitting down on a cooler across from him. "I don't feel like an idiot at all."
Ted raises his eyebrows. "Really?"
She shrugs. "I guess that's part of it. Of course, don't tell Barney that," she says. "I want him to feel like he owes me."
"Gotcha."
Robin smiles and touches him on the arm. "Don't lose hope, okay?"
"Gosh, Robin Scherbatsky, who knew you'd turn into such an optimist? Does that costume have a fairy godmother one underneath it?"
"No, but it's got ample room in the skirt to hide my gun," she quips. "Now, don't expect any more of that fairy tale crap from me. Tonight is a one time deal." She stands. "Now, the guys are waiting at the bar. You coming?"
"Maybe in a little bit," says Ted. Robin nods and then plops down on the ground. "What are you doing?"
"Scoot." Ted smiles as Robin moves next to him. "God, I love Halloween," she says and leans against his arm.
_____
MACLAREN'S
Ted and Robin walk into the bar. Marshall and Lily are sitting at their booth across from Barney. Robin slides in next to Barney and Ted pulls up a chair.
"No Pumpkin?" asks Marshall.
"Nope," says Ted. "But it's okay."
"Ted doesn't need the Pumpkin," says Robin.
"What?" says Barney.
"Why'd we spend all night looking for her?" asks Marshall.
"What Stands With A Fist means is that, while I'd love to see her again," says Ted, "I've got you guys. You're all I need for a good holiday celebration." He pauses. "Well, you guys and booze."
"Hey, is Dorothy okay?" asks Robin, pointing at Lily. She has put her head down on the table and fallen asleep.
"Yeah," says Marshall. "I should probably get her back to Kansas." He pulls Lily out of the booth. She wakes slightly enough.
"Hey, I had a dream about you," she slurs at Marshall. "And you were there," she points at Ted, "and you," she points at Robin, "and you - you don't look good as a cowboy," she says to Barney.
Robin and Ted laugh as Marshall supports Lily and drags her out of the bar. Barney glares. "I'm an awesome cowboy," he says.
"I think I'll turn in, too," says Ted, standing up.
"Goodnight," says Robin.
"Night." Ted turns and walks out of the bar.
Robin turns to Barney. "Don't worry," she says. "I think you're an awesome cowboy."
"Good," he snorts. "Because I am."
Robin giggles and stands up. "You wanna go play Cowboys and Indians?"
Barney cocks an eyebrow. "This isn't going to be like that Battleship thing, is it?"
"Oh, no, this one is most definitely a euphemism," says Robin, offering Barney her hand.
He takes it and stands up, smiling goofily as she pulls him out of the bar.
____
End.