Chapter 1: How to write crack fiction in 5 easy steps!

Hello there, this is the author speaking directly to you, the reader. Normally this only happens in the author's notes but – surprise! This is crack fiction, so those rules no longer apply!

Through minutes of agonizingly ridiculous research, I have come up with five easy steps to write crack fiction.

Step 1: Plot. In fanfiction, us lazy writers don't need to come up with characters or setting – we usually just steal those from the game/fandom. So for a crack fiction, here are some easy options for plot:

A – just make the original plot stupider.

-In the distant future, an immortal named Caius walked the crystal sands of a desolate world with a young woman at his side. In an instant everything changed. He let out such a powerful fart that the force of it ripped the very fabric of time. The gas travelled along the Historia Crux, leaving "odor paradoxes" in its wake. Finally, at the end of its journey, the toot arrived at the base of the crystal pillar of Cocoon the moment our heroes awoke from Etro's misguided mercy.

Lightning shook her pink hair slightly. Looking up at Cocoon, she was about to smile, when the toxic smell entered her nostrils. She died instantly.

In Valhalla, a furious Lightning called her sister Serah to resolve the fart paradox, so that the timeline would once again smell like roses. A mysterious purple man arrived in Valhalla. He complained to Lightning, "Stop telling everyone that I farted! It's not that big a deal, ok? I just had some undercooked Behemoth meat!" Then he readied his massive sword for an aerial strike. "Besides, whoever smelt it, dealt it," he said with a malicious grin.

Lightning snorted in derision, "Tch. He who denied it, supplied it." She jumped from the upper floor of Etro's shrine, gunblade ready for the stinkiest fight of her afterlife….

Or,

B – make a silly side story that is half-way believable.

-The Director of the Academy lowered his head in thought. His hand rested on his chin and his silver eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He would need to use his years of university education to derive a method to keep the new world afloat in the sky.

Suddenly his head snapped up, "I've got it!" he exclaimed, pounding his right fist into his other palm. "HAMMOCKS!"

In response, Serah tilted her head, Noel raised an eyebrow and Mog's pendant drooped. "Ku-po…" the moogle said sadly.

(Alright, crack fiction should use fart jokes sparingly so that they remain funny, so we'll pick option B for this story.)

Step 2: Make sure to add lots of references to other movies, characters and even stores and restaurants that have no place in your fandom. This will create a feeling of randomness that is essential to crack fiction.

-"To (infinity and) Bed, Bath and Beyond!" Noel shouted in his best Buzz Lightyear impression.

Serah looked him over skeptically. "Are you even sure they sell hammocks?" The hunter shrugged in response. "Well you'd better call them first. I don't want to get there and have them be sold out… of world-sized hammocks." As Noel pulled a cellphone out of his pants (who knew he had one?) Serah contemplated their other options. "I'll call Walmart, I guess."

Mog floated overhead happily whistling a jingle. "And I will call Canadian Tire, kupo!" he declared.

"Mog," Serah turned on him with her most authoritative tone. "You have to be aware of your audience. Most people on fanfiction dot net are from the United States. They probably don't know that you could find almost anything at Canadian Tire, which is a similar store to Lowe's or Peavey Mart."

"Uh, Peavey Mart? Now you lost me," said Noel, scratching the back of his head.

"The Unique World of Princess Auto?" Serah attempted, searching for stores people would recognize.

Noel snorted at the suggestion. "Now you're making things up."

Serah's face reddened. "It's a real place. Look it up!" She crossed her arms and walked to the other side of the office.

Step 3: Continue to throw in the characters from the fandom whenever the story starts to drag.

Just then, Alyssa Zaidelle entered the room wearing her cute little Academy uniform. She locked eyes with Serah and smiled. "I was just thinking," she said as she put a finger to her cheek and tilted her head adorably. "If we used a hammock to hold up the new world, wouldn't we need something to hold up the hammock? Like some really gigantic trees?"

"..." said everyone as they fell to the floor.

A rumble from above distracted the group. Seconds later something large crashed through the window, destroying much of the wall as well. Snow sat astride a velocycle as he pointed at the blond pixie, Alyssa.

"She's working for that smelly Caius, don't listen to a word she says!" he revealed in his loud voice.

Serah, Noel and Mog turned to the woman and gasped in surprise. She tried waving her hands in front of her defensively, "It's not true…"

From the hole Snow created in the side of the building, Caius popped his head in to say, "Yeah, she really is." Before trying to disappear again.

Step 4: Introduce crack pairings, especially if they don't make any sense.

The pink haired sister-to-the-real-heroine stopped him with a hand in his long flowing purple hair. "Not so fast, Caius." She looked at the watch that mysteriously appeared on her wrist for this scene. "Our date is in twenty minutes. I made a reservation!"

And so Serah and Caius left to go on their date, leaving the men in the room with their jaws on the floor.

"I can't believe she dumped me for that guy," Snow complained. He must have been really broken up inside because the next second he was eyeing up Alyssa's short-shorts. He winked at her. "Hey baby, want to ride with a real man?"

Alyssa excitedly jumped on the back of the velocycle, wrapping her arms tightly around Snow's muscular body. "I wanna go fast!" she said excitedly.

The two left Noel and Mog in the half-way destroyed room. The brunette looked at the flying white pig-cat-bat-like creature. "You're a dude, right?"

"Kupo!" came the answer from the moogle.

"Wait, why do I care? I've been with guys before," Noel rationalized as he embraced Mog romantically.

Hope lifted his head from the intense make-out session he'd been having with Yeul in his office. "That Noel better not be cheating on me!" he declared. He looked back at the blue-haired teenage on his lap. "We never met [in game] did we?"

"Our physical bodies may have not crossed paths, but our souls touched the moment you viewed the contents of the Oracle Drive."

"Yeah, about that," Hope said nervously. "Did you have to include the footage of me in the shower?"

Step 5: To make the story as funny as possible, characters should be at least 20% stupider than normal. Also, they should all be drunk 70% of the time.

All the couples ended up at the same restaurant.

"I can't believe he brought her here!" Serah whined for the millionth time, glancing over at Snow and his new girlfriend. She gulped back her glass of wine. "I bet he only likes her because she's a blonde. Do you think I should dye my hair?" she asked Caius, batting her eyelashes. The level of compliment expectation was about a 10/10.

The immortal was not listening. He was looking at his reflection in his spoon. "There is no spoon," he told himself. However, after being slapped, he did manage to look up at the angry woman before him.

He assumed she was talking about her quest to levitate the new world, so he searched his brain for a solution. His concentration soon dissipated as his gaze landed on Serah's ample chest.

"Caius!"

Then it hit him. That is, Serah's wine glass hit him in the face. But also, the solution came to him. "Well how do you keep those bazongas afloat?" he questioned, pointing to her boobs.

"What are you talking about?" Serah yelled, totally confused. Then she looked down at her own chest. Suddenly it dawned on her, the answer to their quest! "It's called a push-up bra, Caius." Then, she climbed onto the table. "Hey everyone! Hope, over here!" she shouted, trying to get Hope to stop exchanging saliva with Yeul for two seconds. "You know she's only fifteen, right?" she said disdainfully.

Hope jumped back from the girl in question. "You said you were eighteen!"

The seeress shook her head. "No, I said I was Yeul #18."

Panic etched the features of the silver-haired man. While he was trying to decide how much of a pedophile he was capable of being, Serah once again tried to draw everyone's attention.

"Guys, I've figured it out! A way to levitate the new Cocoon!" Now the group all turned their faces expectedly to hear Serah's suggestion. "A push-up bra for Bhunivelze!"

Everyone cheered.

Alyssa tilted her head again, in such a cute way. "But Serah, that has the same problem as the hammock idea. We'll need something to hold the bra up."

"Not the kind of bra I wear," Serah replied. "It uses double sided tape!" She said enthusiastically, pulling down her dress and flashing everyone.

The blonde shook her head and reached for the vodka. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this."

And there you have it, five easy steps to crack fiction! I hope you enjoyed this educational moment.

I do want to keep writing this silliness, but I need you, the reader to let me know if you laughed or not. Also, if you can identify the four movie/cartoons I referenced, I'll send you a pet lobster... over the internet. K Thnx bai!