Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff
By JoHoMo
I eat kittens
It was a quiet day. Then it wasn't. Then it got quiet again. Then there was a lot of noise. Finally, things settled down.
Mario drove off in Donkey Kong's car.
"Racist!" Donkey Kong shouted.
"Why does the bad man hate us Koreans?" Diddy Kong cried.
"We're Korean?" Donkey Kong asked. "I thought we were Japanese!"
"Who cares, we all look the same anyway!" Diddy Kong laughed.
Mario, who was already several miles away, cried out. "Racist!"
"You're Korean too?" Diddy Kong asked.
"No, I'm Italian, but we all look the same anyway!" Mario laughed.
"What's with all the racism?" Marth asked, a little annoyed.
"Why, are you Korean too?" Donkey Kong asked.
"No, I'm actually Russian, but we all look the same anyway!" Marth laughed.
Everyone laughed. Mario was laughing so hard he accidentally crashed into a semi truck in the middle of an intersection, causing a 50-car pile up. How racist. Black people might have died in that car crash. Mario was so intolerant.
A thousand miles away, in the capitol of whatever country this is taking place in, the president got a phone call. It was three in the morning, and the phone was red. The president was asleep.
"Hi, this is the Purple House! How may I help you!?" Peach asked with a cheery voice.
"What are you wearing?" a dark voice asked.
"Nothing!" Peach laughed.
"Take it off," the dark voice ordered.
Peach ripped her skin off and bled to death.
The screams of Peach's death woke the President up. He went over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello? This is President Dedede"
"Take it off," the dark voice ordered.
"Now wait just a second! Who is this?" President Dedede asked.
"This is the terrorist! We've killed your secretary, and soon we'll kill your whole country!!" the dark voice laughed.
"That wasn't my secretary, that was a whore!" President Dedede laughed.
The dark voice hung up, and President Dedede went back to sleep.
The next morning, in the capitol, President Dedede woke up.
"Time for another wonderful day in the world of whatever country this is!" President Dedede giggled.
His secretary, Zelda, ran in, tripped over Peach's remains, and broke her neck.
"NO!" President Dedede cried. He ran over to her.
"Remember… the… Alamo…" Zelda gasped before dying.
"It's time to get some payback!" President Dedede yelled, running to his door. Before he could make it he tripped over Peach and Zelda's dead bodies. He fell over so hard his belly exploded, he screamed in horror as his guts fell out.
The Secret Service ran into the room in horror. "Somebody's killed the President!" the Chief Security Dude, Roy, shouted.
As Roy ran to Dedede's body he slipped on all the blood and gore and cracked his skull. His body twitched spastically and he died.
Back in the town a thousand miles away from the capitol, things were happening.
"Who wants pancakes!?" Samus giggled, not wearing her suit.
"Put your suit back on you stupid wench!" Donkey Kong shouted.
"You're a jerk!" Samus cried. "Why can't I ever get out of my suit?"
"Because you die when you're not wearing it!" Donkey Kong yelled.
"Oh" Samus said, falling over dead.
"We're going to need to get some more food, we're running out!" Diddy Kong cried, opening the fridge to show only four bananas.
"But we don't have a car!" Donkey Kong cried. "This is a national emergency!"
Diddy Kong called 911 immediately. "Hello? This is Diddy Kong, I'm Korean, yes, yes you can tell by my last name, it's pretty obvious, you racist, anyway, I'm calling because we don't have enough food, we don't have a car to get to the store, and we don't have enough money to get a car, and nobody here has a job, so we're all going to die unless someone comes over and saves us!"
"Hello?" the operator said, having just picked up the phone.
Diddy Kong slammed the phone down. "They're ignoring us!" Diddy Kong cried.
"I'm going to talk to the president about this outrage!" Donkey Kong shouted, sending an email to President Dedede's address: naughtyfatmanthateatspeople (at) purplehouse (dot) net
After waiting five minutes, and not getting any reply to his nasty email, Donkey Kong slammed his computer down. "They're ignoring us!" Donkey Kong shouted.
Diddy Kong pulled out his peanut guns, "It's time for some social justice!" he cried.
"What kind of wimpy stuff is that? Check this out!" Donkey Kong laughed, and pulled out some 50 Caliber Heavy Machine Guns. He threw one over to Diddy Kong.
Diddy Kong was crushed under the weight.
"Whoops! Oh well!" Donkey Kong laughed and ran outside.
"Attention whatever neighborhood it is I live in! The government is ignoring my family! Because of governmental neglect my car was stolen, my nephew died, my female roommate died, I don't have a job, and I don't have any food!" Donkey Kong cried.
Everyone in the neighborhood came out wearing V for Vendetta masks. "We will fight this nazi oppression!" they shouted.
"Hello, I'm a lawyer, and I'd be honored to fight for you in the Supreme Court!" Ness said.
"You look like you're eight" Donkey Kong said.
"Yes, but I'm also Mexican, so they'll let me in!" Ness laughed.
"Cool OK then!" Donkey Kong laughed.
With that everyone started burning their own houses down, and then started to burn everything they could find down, including each other.
Many thousands of miles away, in Communist China, the Chinese News Noobs were reporting on the situation.
"Today on CNN, riots are happening! Apparently, the government has failed to give people a good job, free food, and hasn't stopped people from killing themselves. This is a human rights violation, and the rest of the world is calling on whatever country this is to stop it. The rioters, those freedom loving people, have started lighting each other on fire, to show their love for their country." Bowser, the news anchor, said.
CNN then cut to commercial.
"That sucked, Bowser, you sounded like an idiot!" Bowser's boss, Bowser, yelled at him.
"Shut up! I'm sick of your insults!" Bowser cried, slashing Bowser's neck.
Bowser fell over in a pool of blood, dead.
"Alright! It's my turn now!" Meta Knight laughed. Running up to the stage.
Over in whatever country this is, Ness and Donkey Kong were fighting in the Supreme Court.
Donkey Kong ripped one of the judge's heads off and threw it at the bailiff.
Ness shot flames from his hands and burned three judges to a crisp.
"That's not what we meant by fight in the Supreme Court!" one of the judges cried. "We meant you could argue here!"
"Oh, cool!" Donkey Kong said, grabbing the judge's head he had ripped off and setting it back on the judge's neck.
So Ness and Donkey Kong sat down, and prepared for the greatest debate they would ever have. This case would set the tone for politics in their country for the next century.
Back in the Purple House, after half of the president's staff had died, and the whole house had been covered in blood and dead bodies, rescue workers finally discovered that the president had died. Kirby, President Dedede's wife, was informed, and started crying.
Elections were to be held in six weeks, to decide the fate of the country.