A/N: OK...SO IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE WRITTEN ANYTHING AND YET I CAN'T GET THIS VISION OUT OF MY MIND...IT JUST HAUNTS ME SO I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT ;)
BE PREPARED FOR TONS OF CITRUSY GOODNESS (LIMES, LEMONS, AND VERY VERY HARD MARGARITAS ;D ), SOME ANGST, AND A WHOLE LOT OF FUN!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING (UNFORTUNATELY) EXCEPT FOR THE PLOT ITSELF!
Have you ever seen that movie 40 Days and 40 Nights? You know, how the dumb ass dude has no problem getting laid but has recently come upon the problem of not being able to get off no matter what the fuck he does? Yeah, I'M SO THERE! I feel his pain completely. Don't get me wrong, I love women of all shapes and sizes, but I'm bored?
I can't really explain it. It's like all the women in the world are all the same. Sure, some are better in the sack than others and should definitely consider becoming a porn star. Others that don't make it in the sack make up for it in other ways. Take the girl that is currently riding me like a bull at the rodeo. This chick is literally riding me so hard that I'm sure we will end up on the floor any minute now. Yeah, that's how rough this ride is. She is bouncing on my dick so hard that we are actually getting air time. As a matter of fact, we should be hitting the ground right...about...
thump
"SON OF A..."
"Oh yes baby just like that hit that spot baby; harder."
Yeah, that's definitely gonna leave a mark! At least the fall didn't break her stride; hell, she didn't even miss a fuckin beat. Maybe I will be able to...
"Oh yeah baby, come with me; oh fuck EEEDDDDDDWWWWAAAARRRDDDD!"
SHIT! This is so not good! What the fuck am I gonna do now? I can't pull off a fake nut like that fucking bozo in that damn movie. This bitch is way hotter than that fuckin chick anyway. Steel blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair that falls to her shoulders that's a crazy kinda curly, tall, curvy but that shit is definitely fake as hell, legs that go on for days; you know, the very fake plastic type that is easy to get what you want from her, but definitely not the type to bring home to mommy and daddy.
"Damn baby! I've never been fucked so hard in my entire life. Was it good for you?"
"Fuck yeah baby (NOT). I've never made a girl scream like you (like nails scratching a chalk board)! I'm gonna go take a shower."
Nice coverup. Please let me get away without her seeing my dick still hard as a rock. I'll definitely need to take care of that while I'm getting the smell of this bitch off my body. Why in the hell did I bring...shit, what's her name? Tammy? Toni? TANYA! back to my fuckin place? I have a feeling that this is, was, and always will be one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life. Why? I have no fucking clue!
~*KS*~
"Eddie my man! How was the date last night?" Fuckin Emmett. That fucker is big, burly, and completely obnoxious. Yeah, one of the best friends I could ever ask for. I'll break it down Forrest Gump style, like peas and fuckin carrots. That bastard is always all up in my business like he has a right to be there and shit. When did grow a fuckin vagina? Gossiping like a lil old lady.
"Dude, who the fuck was that? She was fucking HOT!" Jazz, my other best friend. He is way more laid back and seriously rocks the whole country surfer dude look. All sorts of girls are on his nuts with his southern twang.
"Seriously guys, she may have been HOT to look at but so NOT good in bed." Yes, I did the air quotes and all just to emphasize my point.
Emmett and Jasper just had to bring up the worst night of my entire life in the middle of a fucking library where Emmett's naturally loud voice bounced off of every surface in the entire place. I can't take that motherfucker anywhere. Oh well, guess everyone will get a peek into the great Edward Cullen's shitty sex life. Fuck it, what have I got to lose?
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Em asked, genuinely interested.
"Dude, she was a fuckin screamer that was so obnoxious it was like a tree limb scraping against a glass window." I visibly shuddered remembering her nasally voice screeching like an eagle in a zoo.
"Ouch...she was really that bad?" Jazz asked.
"Well, she rode me so fucking hard we literally bounced off the bed and she managed to keep her stride not missing a beat the entire time." That part was nice, well, except when we hit the damn floor and I took the brunt of the fall. I'm sure I have bruises all over my back from that shit.
"So what's the fucking problem? Was she too rough for you nancy boy? Maybe I should give her a test drive and see what's under the hood!" he stated while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"I don't think that's such a good idea Em. I have a really bad feeling." Speak of the devil and she shall appear. FUCK MY LIFE!
"Eddie, there you are! I've been looking for you all day. I had a really great time last night; maybe we can do it again tonight?" There she goes again. A complete look of innocence while twirling a curl around her finger.
"Hey Tanya, um actually, I can't tonight. I've already made plans with Em and Jazz; some other time?" Please god make her go the fuck away. I so don't feel like dealing with this bitch tonight. Once was enough. I really need to get the fuck away from here and fast.
"Come on Eddie, please? I'll make it worth your wile. I've never had anyone make me cum so hard not to mention at the same time as me." Was that supposed to be a purr? That shit was so not seductive or sexy in any way, shape, or form.
I looked over to Jazz and Em seeing that they too noticed that it was a bad idea. Only one word rang through our mutual looks; clinger!
"I'm terribly sorry Tanya but I can't!" I'm so not sorry, I just can't seem to find my dick button at this moment in time, so I'm forced to be nice.
"But Eddie, I thought we could maybe discuss our relationship."
WHOA; WHAT!
"Tanya, we don't have a relationship."
"Sure we do, I mean we did have the best sex ever last night, how could we not have a relationship?" Is this fuckin bitch serious?
"I..." Shit, now I've done it. I had sex with a clingy bitch and now she's becoming delusional.
"I think what Eddie is trying to say is that he doesn't really have the time for a relationship right now with finals right around the corner along with graduation and then he'll be off to medical school, so..." Em, I could kiss you right now! We came up with that little story to ward off clingy bitches. I am so not going to medical school, but if they started to cling like saran wrap, the three of us were getting ready to head to medical school where our studies would completely take over our lives until further notice.
"I didn't know you were going to medical school after you graduated. I thought you would stick around here, find work, maybe even spend some time with me so we could get better acquainted." Aw hell, she's the worst kind of clinger. I best she's already planning out our wedding in her head and what to name our kids. This bitch has got to go and really fast.
"I'm really sorry Tanya, but I just can't right now."
"Well, let me give you my address and number so we can keep in..." NO; absolutely not. There is no way I'm going to keep in touch with her.
"Once I get to medical school, I won't have any time at all to myself. I really am..."
SMACK! Ouch, that shit hurt.
"You used me? Well fuck you Edward Cullen! I hope your dick rots off!" There goes that screeching again. What the fuck is that? Her mating call?
"Well, she took that much better than I anticipated." Em stated trying to hide a snicker.
"Seriously dude, what's the fucking problem?" Jazz asked.
"I honestly don't know! I've been having problems."
"Performing?" Em asked.
"No"
"Eating?" Jazz followed.
"No"
"Getting up?" Fucking Em. I'm really starting to lose my patience with these old ass ladies.
"Fuck no! I can't seem to...finish." I dropped my head in shame.
"WHAT? DUDE, HOW CAN YOU NOT GET OFF WITH A HOT PIECE OF ASS SUCH AS TANYA?" Em asked incredulously.
"Fuck I don't know. I just, I'm bored. I want something more exciting. I'm sick and tired of the usual. I want something more exotic, something different."
"Like a dom?" Jazz asked. That's not a bad idea, but that's a bit intense; even for me.
"Not necessarily, I'm just fed up with all of the usual shit. Missionary, doggy, froggy; hell even oral is getting boring. I need to switch it up or something." I started losing myself in thought.
"We could always find you a man?" All the blood rushed out of my face. Please tell me he ain't serious.
"Em, I am so gonna kick your ass if you even think..." Just then, I was met with the quietest voice that wrapped me in a blanket of calm.
"Excuse me. Can you please keep it down? There are actually people here that are trying to study for their finals." Holy shit on a stick. Who is this? Why in the hell is it so quiet?
Silence; I never thought I'd see the day where one person could make the three of us simultaneously shut the fuck up. We were so quiet you could hear the fucking crickets outside the window, you could hear a pin drop, and then it happened.
"Oh, um...we're really uh sorry to um disturb you...uh...yeah...sorry."
Holy fucking shit. Was Jazz stuttering?
"Yeah, uh we'll um keep it down...um..yeah...uh sorry?"
Oh my sweet baby jesus, Em too?
Let me paint a picture for you really quick to explain the current situation at our table, along with in my pants that is growing into a rather large situation...quickly. We'll start at the bottom and work our way up. A set of small feet in a pair of...Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, 5 inch fuck me black satin Mary Jane heels, legs that went on for days that were just covered by white knee socks and a micro mini school girl skirt, a purple button up top that was tied right under what appeared to be a set of 38C tits that were spilling out of the top of the shirt, a long neck that was calling me to bite it, an angelic heart shaped face with the biggest doe brown eyes and a head full of mocha colored hair with purple streaks running throughout the messy bun on top of the gorgeous 5'6" goddess that was literally tapping her toe and currently cocking a single brow as if to say...
"What the fuck are you all staring at? You act like you've never seen a fucking woman before! Just shut the fuck up so everyone else can fucking study before I LITERALLY have to kick your fucking asses out of here for disturbing the fucking peace. Get it? Got it? Good!" Holy shit, I think I just came in my pants.
And with that, the mighty Aphrodite herself turned on her heal and stormed off.
"Dude, did she seriously just blush before she literally whispered a rant where she continually used the word fuck in some way, shape, or form?" Em asked completely shocked into whispering.
"Yeah...she did." Jazz stated also in a whisper.
"Dude, she had you both stuttering, what the fuck was that about?" I asked and yes, I was whispering as well. This shit so did not need to be overheard by anyone else.
"You know what the say, it's the quiet ones you have to worry about." Jazz whispered with a smirk.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Em whisper yelled. "And why in the hell are we still whispering?"
"Dude, I have no idea." I replied in a stage whisper which caused us all to chuckle quietly.
"Just like I said, the quiet ones are the ones you have to worry about. Think about it. Remember Angela Weber?" Jazz asked.
"Wasn't that the chick that literally beat the shit out of both Jessica Stanley and Lauren Morris for looking at her boyfriend?" I asked.
"Yep. Remember how quiet she was back then? Hell, have you ever heard the stories Ben used to tell about her in the locker room?" Jazz asked while cocking a single eyebrow at us.
Both Em and I shook our head in the negative then proceeded to listen to the old ass stories from high school. Angela was the preachers daughter, so this is bound to be some excellent gossip. Those were the days; we'll come back to that another day though. Focus on the here and now you ass.
"Apparently, Ben got with Angela and took her virginity on prom night our junior year. Once she got past the pain, Ben ended up tied to the bed, blindfolded, and literally fucked into submission by our very own innocent little Angela Weber They got married last month. Did you know?" Holy fucking hell, so far, I've learned that the quiet innocent ones are definitely freaky in the sack. This could be what I've been looking for.
"Holy shit! I so need to find me an innocent quiet girl to rock my world! I'll see you numb nuts later."
With that, Em was headed out the door and out into the world to find his very own sex fiend. I looked over to Jazz and saw him eyeballin the girl that made him stutter like a fucktard. She was sitting with what appeared to be a pixie with bright pink streaks flowing through her short, spiked, raven colored hair. My mystery goddess was sitting right across from her.
I don't know what the fuck it was, but I had to know this modern day Aphrodite. There was definitely something lurking behind those luscious cappuccino colored eyes, and I wasn't going to stop until I solved the mystery behind them. I had to have her...in more ways than one!
A/N: SO, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! DO YOU LIKE IT, LOVE IT, HATE IT...WHAT? WANT MORE? SHOW ME SOME LOVE!