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To See You Freeze

James thoughts had never left the gun he owned back when he, sometimes, went shooting at the range for fun, not since Mary´s death, and his trip to Silent Hill hadn´t changed that. It actually just made it worse. In the afternoons, he sat down to watch the television, slumped, the loaded gun on the table next to him. Most of the time, he leaves the gun alone, and tried to drown it all out by watching boring, paint by the numbers programs which usually left and made way to supposedly serious, mature programs. He could have enjoyed some of them once, maybe. But now, it all looks to him like the actors are playing at being humans, and the big dramatics scenes capture only the shadows of those feelings, if at all. Sometimes, he suddenly grabs the gun and, like everything was normal, idly toys with it between his hands. Usually, that's all it comes to.

But, on some days, he puts the gun on his mouth and his index finger around the trigger. Before Silent Hill, before the only thing that ate at him was Mary´s death, he thought that he couldn´t do this, that he needed to kept on living since Mary would have wanted that. After he had remembered, and he had left that hellish place behind, together with Maria, he though that Maria depended on him as much as he depended on her-no matter if it was true or not-, so he couldn´t. But the image of Mary cursing, hating him as he deserved and then transforming into that snarling, roaring monster hell bent on revenge made it hard to remember why those reasons should matter. He hadn´t not done that a lot now, obviously. He couldn´t let Maria see him like that. Only when Maria was away did he allow himself to get farther that thinking about it.

And now, too. Of course.

He was passing the cold gun between his hands, staring at the floor, with the curtains draw and the television cut off, wondering if today was the day he finally ended everything. There was no meaning in going on anymore. Not without Maria. Oh, she was not dead, but she was going to die. And no soon, either. It was going to be painful, drag out. Just like Mary´s dead. That damn disease would drag Maria to her grave, too.

At first, he had not be worried. Much the opposite, really. He had been hopeful for the first time in a long while. He had seen her coughing a lot, before they left Silent Hill, yet he hadn´t though nothing of it at the time. More like, he couldn´t bring himself to think anything of it. Leaving Silent Hill behind was supposed to mean leaving everything behind, all the pain and darkness. Those twisted, inhuman beast that had hunted him down. Angela, with that sad smile and sadder life. Eddie, a gibbering lunatic that had tried to kill him, and he had killed in return. And, most of all, Mary. Mary, everywhere. It hadn´t happened.

They had lived blissfully for a while, that must was true. Nobody found out he chocked Mary to death with a pillow, and, while he had been fired for work, he soon found another one. It paid more that enough to kept a comfortable life. Maria started working as a bartender in a bar, soon after. The working hours were not excessive, and also rather flexible, so they had plenty of time for each other. To be honest, it was like he was reliving the days after his honeymoon with Mary. Even better, in some aspects. Like the bedroom.

It had not lasted. At first, both of them at though it was just a particularly bad cold. She stayed in bed, with the heater on, and covered by several mattress. But she steadily got worse, until the point she had to be hospitalized. James still remembered coming home for work-he worked at meaningless, at quite boring job at a nearby office building-, greeting Maria, and watching, in mute horror, as she passed out. Her head it the lamp on the way down, knocking it to the floor. He could still hear that sickening crack. She had toppled down, like a broken doll and he had bit back a scream as he approached her prone body, knelled and took her pulse. Nothing, at first. He had nearly fainted right there, himself. It took him several panicked moments for him to realize he had been doing it wrong. She had a pulse. A weak pulse, but at least she was not dead.

He picked her up, muttering reassurances even though she couldn´t heard him and ran to the car. He deposited her body on the other seat, tied the seat belt, got in the car and drove for the hospital as fast as he though he could go without hitting something and getting both of them killed. It didn´t take long for him to be stopped by the police, of course. He wanted to get on their faces about it, tell them that there were people who didn´t act like suicidal bastards unless there was a good reason, and maybe give one of them a good kick in the teeth, but he handled the issue calmly, and calmly explained everything while Mary may die at any moment. They let it go.

James got to the hospital quickly. The doctor, a man named Joshua, examined Maria while he anxiously waited, turning and turning and turning in place. When he finished, all the doctor had to say was: she has melanoma, sir. Joshua moved to explain it to him, but he shut him up. It was the same disease than had plagued Mary during those long months, a type of skin cancer. He knew all about it. During his free time, he poured over all the information he could find, at first looking for somebody who would be more capable of handling Mary´s disease, later just blindly hoping that he could find something the experts were missing, and, towards the end, just hanging on that thread of hope in desperation. Melanoma was a nasty disease. It was highly lethal, and it caused the seventy five percent of deaths by skin cancer. The five year survival rate was rather low, too.

Joshua told him that they would start treatment today, and that she had to be hospitalized. James just nodded. What more was there to say? The death watch was ticking down once again, and when it stopped everything would be over. That was all there was. Sooner or later, Maria was going to die and he was going to be left all alone again. Maria received her first chemo, on the same day. He sat on the wanting room, biting his lip, remembering the only half forgotten moments in which he did the same for Mary. It seemed like it had been so long ago...

He didn´t sleep that night, of could he? He entered Maria´s room, talked with her for a bit, kissed her and bode her goodby. Then, he went back to work. He didn´t want to, but he had to do it so he could pay the fees of Maria´s treatment. Mary´s had been astronomical. Even with her Blue Cross Medical coverage, his money had taken a significant dive. It just couldn´t be helped.

During the following months, he had been trying to convince himself that this was different. That even though the disease had been discovered just a bit earlier, it would be enough to make a difference. That Maria would survive what Mary couldn´t, for some reason. Any reason. But recently, he had found that he couldn´t delude himself anymore. Maria was going die. No, more like, she was to fade away like a marriage, because that was she was. Her whole existence was nothing but a delusion created out of his more unwholesome desires. She was real as anybody could be, but it didn´t change that fact. That was how it was, like it or not.

He lifted the gun to eye level, at stared at the chamber, at that round darkness. He put it in his mouth, and wrapped his fingers around the trigger. This was it. One pull, and everything would be over. It wouldn´t even hurt. So, why were his hands shaking? No, actually, his whole body was shaking. He didn´t understand. He had nothing to live for; he should just die quietly. Yet, still...

He didn´t want to die. It seemed like a joke, after all the restless nights and days, after everything that happened to him, all he had to do. But it was true. He didn´t want to die. And it was so obvious, too. Like he had said to Angela, he couldn´t never kill himself. But not because he didn´t want to do it, just because he lacked the guts necessary for that. He withdrew the gun, took off his fingers from the trigger, and set it down on the table.

Maria. James didn´t know what he would do after that, what they would do, but he needed to see her. Only that could clear his head. He stood up, grabbed the keys, went outside, started the car and drove for the local hospital.

He parked, got out, nearly walked away without closing the doors, but went back and did it, and then walked out. The employers at the hospital greeted him like they were friends as he walked through the hallways, towards Maria´s room. Of course, how could they not? He had been seeing them almost everyday for nearly three months. That though left a sour taste in his throat-it followed a tray of though he had often pursued in those grueling months with Mary-, but he still answered as upbeat as he could, like nothing was wrong. He reached the door of Mary´s room, and extended his hand to reach for the knob.

"Mister Sunderland!" James froze. He recognized that voice; it was Joshua, the doctor. He turned towards him, as he walked up to him, despite himself. He couldn´t avoid it, but damn, having a doctor hurrying to talk to you was never good. He knew that much. Joshua came to a stop in front of him, his face slightly red. "T-there you are, Mister Sunderland. Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"...Fine." James said, and stepped away from the door and to the other side of the hallway, so Maria couldn´t heard whatever the doctor was about to tell him. He didn´t even know if she was awake, but better not take any chances. Joshua followed him. "What it is?"

"Ah, uh..." He blabbered on for a few moments, stopped, and breathed out the air in his lungs. His lips pursued into a thin line. "I am really sorry. I don´t know how to say this more... more softly. Your wife is going to die."

James just blinked, not really believing he had bothered him to tell him this, and so carefully. Of course Maria was going to die. It had been nearly three months and, far for improving, she had just kept on getting worse. He had been preparing himself for Maria´s death since day one. And he had been convinced of it for some time.

"How much time does she have?" James said, calmly.

"I-its..." Joshua said, nervously. Maybe because he had been too calm. The doctor cleared his throat. "Its hard to say. The rest of this month, and a week after that. Maybe two. Or three, at the most."

"I see. Is that all?"

"No, sir. J-just one more thing." He looked weirded out, but James didn´t care enough to make an effort to look grief stricken. "There is nothing more we can do to help her, so... Do you want her to remain in the hospital, or send her home to spend her last moments with you?"

Ah, he supposed it was normal, but the doctor that had treated Mary had asked him the same question a little before he murdered her. What a headache.

"I can´t say it by myself. I discuss it with her."

"Of course, sir. Of course. Have a... goodbye."

"Goodbye." James said, drily, turned away and entered Maria´s room. She was awake. He smiled warmly, even though he felt like shit. "Hello, Maria."

"Hello, James." He walked to her side, and sat down on a chair next to the bed. They talked care pleasantly for a while, about insignificant things. It was much different from his talks with Mary. At the very least, he would be grateful for that. Then, he talked to her about what the doctor had told him. She took it calmly, and accepted being send home. Accepted that she was going to die.

They went back home on that day. Maria had been left quite weak, so he had to help her enter the car and get to her bed. It was painful to see her like that, but also made him felt like he actually could do something for her. He even gave her some flowers, once she was all set down, so he could felt better about himself and, really, everything. She had accepted her with a cheery smile on her face, and, for a moment, she had almost resembled her old self. It made her feel better. Mostly because she had not screamed at him. It was low. Yes, it was. But all he could think about one his conversations with Mary, that conversation, still fresh in his mind because he had heard it once again, somehow, in the Lakeview Hotel back at Silent Hill and he couldn´t help but felt gland for it, rather that because Maria still had some spirit. And why not? He had already fallen as low as he could ever fall, so what did it matter?

He looked down at her, as he held her hand, sitting at her bedside. She looked pale, fragile. Like anything could break her. The light drifted through the window only made it seem all the more so. And, just for an instant, he saw Mary´s figure overlapping her. James bit his lip, hard enough to draw blood. Not real. Not real. Not real. Mary was dead, and gone. She had been dead for a long time.

"James?" Maria called out to him, nervously. He stopped. Of course she was nervous. She had Mary´s memories, despite that she was a completely different person in every sense. She was probably thinking he was already snapping, that he would the pillow, and suffocate her so he could forget again, so he could run away for everything.

"Is no that. I never... I couldn´t do that. Not again."

"James... I wasn´t..."

"Don´t lie to me!" he snarled. Maria closed her mouth, and drew back, her expression momentarily afraid. James slumped on his seat. This again. It seemed like, no matter what he did, he always fucked things up. "I-I am sorry. I didn´t meant it, Maria."

"Don´t worry. I know." she said. Was it a lie, or not? He couldn´t tell. Maria was always lying for his sake, so this could be just one more lie. James stood up, toying with the collar of his shirt. He couldn´t take his. He just couldn´t.

"Is already late, so I am going to prepare dinner." he blubbered out the first excuse that came to his mind, and went out of the room in a hurry.

As James prepared dinner, he ruminated on the situation. Was... Was there really nothing to be done? The doctors couldn´t cure her, so he couldn´t do it, that much was clear. He was not stupid. But maybe the source of Maria´s illness was different. Maybe her existence was collapsing because she was out of Silent Hill, and had felt ill as a result. She had been created in Silent Hill, after all. It made sense. Sort of. It made as much sense as anything in his life ever did, anyway. And it could work. That was the important part. It was her only chance, their only chance.

He finished the food-hamburger steak and some french fries-, put both on the same plate, and went back to Maria. He was not a particularly good cock. He knew enough about it to not have to buy takeout, but not that much. Still, Maria ate the food with gusto. When she have him back the plate, he set it down on night table, looked at her in the eyes, took a deep breath.

"Let´s go to Silent Hill, Maria." She looked at him for a moment, smiled and nodded. So... that was it. He couldn´t back down now. He grabbed the gun he had kept for himself and some ammunition boxes, all which were kept on a case locked by a numbered combination only he knew, put them on his pocket and helped Maria get up. She made no comment on it. Maybe she knew already, or had expected it. Either way, it didn´t matter now. Coming back to Silent Hill mean coming back to those things, so he needed this.

The ride was quiet. He didn´t want to talk about anything, and Maria at fallen sleep somewhere along the way, god only knows knew. He had only occasionally sneaked peeks at her through the rear-view mirror, so it could have been at any time. Anyway, he took the same route he did when he received Mary´s letter, trying not to think about exactly what chances this plan had to work. It took nearly five hours to reach the observation deck, and park the car. He took off his seat belt, turned, put a hand on Maria´s shoulder and shook her to wake her up. She opened her eyes a crack. She sleepily blinked a few times.

"James?" she sounded truly confused, like she didn´t know if she was still dreaming or not.

"We are here, honey." At those words, Maria waked up fully, going sharp and alert. It was like nothing was wrong, like that damn disease hadn´t made her wither away for nearly three months at that damn hospital. They got out of the car. He put a hand on Maria´s back, just in case and grabbed the gun with his free hand. They walked down the stairs, through the forest nearly swallowed up by the mist and descended into Silent Hill. James looked around for those monsters, but more for that red, pyramid thing. He had see two of those things impale themselves on their own spears, but that didn´t mean that they couldn´t appear again. Anything was possible in this accursed town.

They walked for some time through the town. He didn´t see any monsters, and neither did Maria. He didn´t even heard the distinctive wailing noises of those shambling creatures wrapped in flesh, the scrapping of Pyramid Head´s sword on the cement, or anything that indicate the presence of monsters. It was creeping in out. He almost wished some monster would jump out of the bushes now, so he could blow its head off.

"Maria, do you felt better?" James said, and turned to look at her.

"I... I am not su..." she suddenly stopped, and felt forward. He yelped, and tried to catch her before she hit the ground. He did it. Narrowly, but he did it. Now that she was so close to him, he noticed she looked pale, unnaturaly pale, almost like an albino. Or a corpse. He didn´t understand. She had looked better, before.

"Maria?" No response. It made his heart clench him his chest. "Maria! Are you okay? Answer me!"

"James... its okay."

"Okay? No, its not okay. Don´t talk like you are going to die. There is still... there has to be..."

"I am going to die, James. That is not going to change. I know. I know why you brought me here. I know you better that anybody else, after all. But is not going to change anything. I may as well be dead already, James. Just accept it. There was not hope for me, in the first place."

"You can´t say that." James pleaded, on the verge of tears. "What... What about us? It can´t just end like this."

"It can´t. But it will."

"Maria, you can´t. You can´t do this to me." he said, looking down, his voice about to break. A moment later, he felt a warm arm upon his shoulder. He stirred, and looked at her. She put a hand on the back of his head, and pushed him down. Their lips meet. It was a brief kiss, and almost innocent. When she drew apart for him, her smile widened.

"I love you, James." she said, and closed her eyes. No, no, no. He checked her pulse. Nothing, not even faintly. Calm down, that didn´t mean anything. He had done it wrong, like before. Surely, she had simply passed out. She was not dead. She couldn´t be dead. He tried it again. Nothing, and he was doing it right. He had done it right, even before, he just didn´t want to admit. Another person he had loved had died in front of him, and he had been unable to do anything about it. Ah, what he was thinking of?

He send Mary down on the cold, hard ground. He lifted the gun to an eye level. Why not? Why the hell not? It be better to sleep, like her. He put his finger on the trigger, the gun on his mouth. His whole body was trembling. It was hard to believe, but it was true. He was still this weak, even after everything.

...Scrapping. There was a scrapping noise, getting closer. He would recognize that sound anywhere. Pyramid Head was approaching. He couldn´t beat it. The most he had been able to do was hold it off, even before. He was going to die, like Maria. Like Mary. And Eddie, and Angela, too. Maybe even like Laura, that little girl. And... was that so bad? He didn´t have the courage to end itself, no matter how much he wanted to die, so being killed by that thing would be fine, too.

Pyramid Head stepped out the fog, right in front of him. James stood up, and let go of the gun. It hit the floor with a dull thunk. The thing didn´t move. For some reason, it was not moving and looking right at him, even though its pyramid shaped helmet shouldn´t allow it to see.

"What are you waiting for, you piece of shit?! Kill me already! Is what I deserve." James screamed at him, at the top of his lungs, uncaring that his screams could attract more monsters. Hell, at this point, he even welcome that. Still, Pyramid Head didn´t move. Not even another step. "Why? Why won´t you do it?"

It didn´t make sense. That thing had be hunting it down the whole way. It had nearly killed him hundreds of times. So, why stop now? Its purpose had been to make him see the error in his ways, and it should be obvious by now that he was hopeless case. Damage goods. It should just end him now, and let him repent in hell. But maybe ts purpose was not that. At least, not anymore.

"Oh. I understand. You want me to suffer, right? Like them. I understand." James said, turned his back to the creature and kicked the gun away, feeling like he was about to puke his guts out. He walked into the fog, without a care. Pyramid Head let him walk away, but it followed him with his gaze. He could felt it. On his way, James looked back only once. The thing was still there. Maria´s corpse was not. He sucked in a breath, and broke into a run.

James reached the observation deck, utterly exhausted, heaving like he was drowsing. He approached the car, and put his hands on the hood of the car, to support himself. He tried to control his breathing, to control himself. Damn it. He didn´t even know what to think anymore. He snarled, and uselessly kicked the car.

He hid his face between his hands, and broke into tears.

Author´s Notes

Just to clear it out: that James refers to Maria as Mary a few times in the narration is intentional.