A/N: I got this idea and I couldn't help writing it. –evil laughter– As you will soon see, I really like making fun of Sasuke. I really do. So be warned.
T for language I guess. And strangeness.
xxx
THE FROG PRINCE
—NaruSasu Style—
Once upon a time, there was a princess named Sasuke. He lived in a small, but prosperous kingdom with his father and mother and his older brother. Despite his wealth, Princess Sasuke had a very dreary existence which could basically be summed up in three words: emo as hell. He spent his days angsting over how much cooler his brother was than him and how he was one day going to kill the bastard.
Prince Itachi completely ignored his brother, constantly addressing him as 'foolish little princess' and telling him that he was busy when Sasuke asked if he could come to embroidery practice. Prince Itachi was secretly plotting to murder his mother and father and seize the throne. This was actually why he never had time for angsting or embroidery with Princess Sasuke.
Crowds and crowds of suitors came to ask for his hand each day, but Princess Sasuke turned each one of them down. His life was dull and uninteresting. To keep his mind off how boring his life was, he liked to gaze into the pond in one of the palace's many courtyards and admire his pretty face. Looks was one thing Sasuke didn't need to worry about. His beauty was famous across the land. This was, of course, a good thing, but it did create problems for him occasionally. Half the girls of the kingdom had sworn to marry him if they found a way. Let's just say he had quite a fanclub. A drooling, obsessive, crazy fanclub.
One day, after escaping from his following of fangirls and fanboys, Princess Sasuke was sitting by a pond in the courtyard of his grand palace. He was admiring his gorgeous reflection in the water and tossing a golden kunai up and down in his palm, when his hand slipped and he accidentally dropped the knife. It fell down into the murky pond and disappeared from sight.
"Nooo! My kunai! Damn it! Goddamn it!" Princess Sasuke wailed, reaching into the water after the glimmering blade, only to withdraw his hand in disgust. The water was filled with slime and goo. Horrified, the princess wiped his hand on the skirt of his dress.
It looked like his kunai was gone for good.
He was just about to turn around and leave—he had to change his dress—when he heard a voice behind him.
"Princess Sasuke . . ." it croaked very froggishly.
The little Uchiha whirled around and stared in shock. Sure enough, a frog was sitting before him, having just hopped out of the pond.
"Princess Sasuke," it repeated, "I can go get your golden kunai from the bottom of the pond. But I'll only give it to you if you kiss me, dattebayo!"
The frog was, of course, completely unable to retrieve the kunai from the pond, but there was no harm in trying to get a kiss from the oh-so-charming princess.
Sasuke snorted at the frog's statement. "You f-ing dobe of a frog. No way in hell."
The frog pouted. "Shut up, you bastardly Uchiha. Just kiss me already! I'll turn into a handsome prince! I swear!"
Princess Sasuke put a hand to his chin and thought for a moment. Now this wasn't sounding like such a bad idea. What could he lose? Besides, the frog was starting to look cuter by the minute. It had such nice blue eyes.
"Hn," the princess snorted, "I guess I'll give it a try, but you're still a dobe and an f-ing frog so don't think you can order me around."
"Just kiss me, dattebayo."
"Fine."
He scooped the frog up in his hands and planted a kiss on its green froggy lips. In a sudden POOF! of light, the frog disappeared, replaced with a golden-haired, blue-eyed boy, the absolute spitting image of Sasuke's dream husband.
Yes, husband, because Sasuke liked boys. Why do you think he turned all those girls down, anyway? Yeah. I thought so.
Anyway, back to the story. Sasuke was staring in awe at the boy in front of him and trying to control his urges to glomp him. He realized he'd started drooling and quickly covered his mouth.
The golden-haired boy was still examining his new human body. "Wow, I'm hot, dattebayo!" he exclaimed. "Smoking hot and all-around sexy!"
"Do you always feel the need to state the obvious?" Sasuke drawled, not realizing what he was saying until it was out of his mouth. He turned red and hid his face in his hands.
The golden-haired boy raised an eyebrow and grinned a toothy grin. "Oooh, so you think I'm good-looking, do you? Well, you're not to bad yourself," he said as he elbowed the Uchiha, winking.
Sasuke glared at the boy. "That's an f-ing understatement, you moron. I'm the prettiest princess in the world. Mommy says so." He stuck his nose in the air. "But anyway, what the hell is your name? And where the hell are you from? You haven't even told me yet."
"Oh! I haven't?" the boy asked, laughing nervously. "Well, I'm Naruto. Actually, it's Prince Naruto. I was turned into a frog because I stole some ramen from King Ichiraku. Evil Fairy Godmother Kakashi turned me into a frog because he has a sick, twisted sense of humor."
Sasuke smirked. "I'll be honest with you. That is the lamest story I have ever heard."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Not as lame as an emo princess who can't hold onto his own bloody kunai," he said triumphantly.
But Sasuke had had enough. "Shut up. Look, dobe, or frog, or Naruto, or whatever your name is, get down on your knees and hold out your hand."
Naruto hesitantly did as he was told.
"Now repeat after me," Sasuke said slowly. "Will . . ."
"Will . . ." Naruto repeated.
"You . . ."
"You . . ."
"Marry . . ."
"Marry . . ."
"Me . . ."
"Me . . ." Naruto finished.
"YES!" Sasuke squealed, jumping into Naruto's arms in a split second and hugging him a bit too tightly around the neck.
And so the two were married. Prince Naruto was crowned King—by this time Prince Itachi had gotten around to killing of his parents, so the kingdom was in need of new monarchs—and Princess Sasuke was his Queen. The little emo bastard had forgotten all about his golden kunai that he had lost at the bottom of the pond, because after all, the dobe that was now his husband was much more fun to, ahem, play with.
The End.
Sasuke woke up, covered in sweat. Had he just dreamed that insane dream? It was too embarrassing to even think about!
And, whoever the narrator of the dream was, Sasuke swore to kill. Calling him an emo bastard, eh? A little princess? Oh, they would have it alright. They would have it bad, maybe even worse than Itachi. Especially for the Naruto part. Who had ever gotten the impression that he LIKED that freakish blonde dobe anyway or that he wanted to MARRY the loser?
Sasuke shuddered at the thought and glanced up at the room to orient himself. He saw the familiar walls of Orochimaru's lair and breathed a sigh of relief. He was safe. He was safe from that bastard Naruto and his dangerously sexy eyes and gorgeous smile and hot body and—
The Uchiha stuffed his head under a pillow and groaned. He was supposed to have hatred! HATRED, damn it!
So Sasuke tried to distract himself by thinking about other things. Like killing Itachi for instance. The Uchiha smiled a grim smile. How he would love to see his cursed brother dead! While his thoughts were on the subject of Itachi, Sasuke let himself slip back into his memories of his childhood.
He remembered that Itachi had once told him that dreams are an expression of the subconscious mind. Desires and secret wishes are often expressed in dreams. His older brother had also told him that dreams were very symbolic. Recurring themes and images most certainly had a deeper meaning.
Sasuke furtively analyzed his dream. What could be symbolic about it? The fact that he was wearing a dress? Sasuke snorted. He didn't even want to go into that possibility.
But then he realized something. The kunai had to stand for something. But what could it be?
The Uchiha's eyes widened in horror. A voice was echoing in his head, a voice he was pretty sure was his subconscious mind come alive to make him MISERABLE.
"Your virginity . . ." it whispered gleefully, "the kunai represents your virginity, Sasuke-kun . . ."
The awful thing was, the theory fit. Listen to it this way—Sasuke was bored with his golden kunai and, um, lost it to . . . Naruto. And then Naruto offered it back but Sasuke was no longer interested in it because he was MARRIED to the f-ing dobe and had . . . other things . . . to think about. And the kunai couldn't be retrieved anyway because it was lost forever at the bottom of a pond.
So did this mean Sasuke WANTED all of that to happen? It was his subconscious mind, after all.
Oh, this just got better and better. The Uchiha snarled and clenched his fists. How could his subconscious mind be so CRUEL?
The Uchiha sat up and fumed for a bit, stomping around his room and glaring at random things. It felt good to be mad. But as Sasuke lay back down, he couldn't help wondering why his subconscious mind had made HIM be the one wearing the dress.
Although he had to admit, he would look better in one than Naruto. He smirked . . . and then slapped himself on the forehead a moment later.
There went that Uchiha pride. Down the drain.
xxx