A Modern Man's Guide to Piracy

Summary: Killian gets a lesson about modern culture that is very much up his alley.

Inspired by distant-rose. It's actually been so long since I first touched this that I don't remember exactly how you inspired it (Maybe on Discord some time ago?), but past!me left that note and I wanted to honor it all the same! So thank you for this fun idea, I think!

Timeline wise...it's kind of all over the place, as you'll see by the last scene. BUT it was a fun opportunity for some good jokes (Are they good? You tell me!) and I couldn't resist. That said, it's during the gap between Rumple and Belle's departure from Storybrooke and Henry's departure in the Season 7 opening.

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"Mom!" Emma could hear Henry calling. "It's not on Netflix!"

With a bowl of popcorn now sagging in her arms, Emma sighed as she took off for the living room.

Damn. It was Groundhog's Day and she really wanted to watch the Bill Murray movie. She had made a point of watching it every year and this was the first one where she had both Killian and Henry around to watch it with her.

Emma sighed. "Netflix must've taken it off."

"They always do this right before the holiday," Henry complained.

"That's how Hollywood makes its money back and it sucks."

Looking over at her husband and the confused expression on his face, Emma couldn't help but laugh. No one could say that Killian wasn't adapting to modern life like a champ, but those little moments where he stumbled were still pretty funny.

"Sorry, Killian," Emma said. "The system of Hollywood and how it works with streaming services is a weird and complicated thing."

But then Killian surprised her.

"I wouldn't say that," he said. "I mean, I don't get all of it, but I think I understand the broad strokes of the matter. It's like when I buy salmon at the grocery store. The grocery store gets money, but so do the fishers who bring it in."

Emma nodded, impressed.

"Looks like some old timer's getting a handle on our modern traditions."

"Another age quip, Emma?" Killian teased. "Will you ever stop?"

"What can I say? They never grow old!"

Killian couldn't seem to stop his laughter from getting the better of him and Henry and Emma happily joined in.

"And here I thought I was the one to make the puns," Killian commented. "But as for our movie dilemma, what of the library? From what I remember, they started stocking movies there."

Henry took a minute and checked his phone, looking displeased when he at last locked his screen again. "It's closed."

"It feels like it always is. Belle really should've thought twice before hiring Sleepy to run the library when she and Gold left," Emma lamented. From beside her, Killian frowned.

"So I take it that movie night has been ruined?" he surmised. "Unless you want to watch that 'Pirates of the Caribbean' movie again."

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Emma. She turned to Henry, who must have had a similar revelation, and the two exchanged a look, one filled to the brim with the promise of mischief.

Luckily for her, a sheriff couldn't exactly arrest herself.

"Not exactly," Henry said.

"How so?" Killian asked.

"You'll see."

Killian smirked. "Is this to be another one of your operations?"

Henry seemed to muse on that for a moment before nodding. "Operation Pirate."

That seemed to catch Killian off guard. "I'm confused. What can I do? While I've learned much, I'm nowhere near as familiar with this realm's movie services as you two are."

"No," Emma clarified. "It's not about you."

"It's a...more modern type of piracy," Henry went on to say, smiling as the words settled.

Killian clearly didn't know how to respond to that, but Emma could tell he was interested all the same in what that 'modern type of piracy' entailed.

"Well, let's not waste any time then."

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"So what do you think?" Emma asked.

"Well," Killian said. "It's not as strenuous as captaining a ship, but the spoils seem to be rather abundant for this age."

"Gotta love modern piracy."

"It definitely smells better. So how did you do it?"

Henry went on to explain the concept of online piracy as best as he could. And while Emma loved her kid and knew Killian was pretty smart, she could see him struggling to keep up with what he was saying.

"So wait: Does that red horseshoe drag the movie from the pirate's computer to ours?"

"No. First, that's a magnet and second, we all share the movie."

"Share? Sharing not what pirate are oft to do. Our ways are a bit more cutthroat than that."

"Well, you're not sharing," Henry attempted to clarify. "It's kind of like a cake with infinite pieces."

However, that just seemed to make things worse.

"How does cake factor into all of this?"

Henry sighed and to his credit, was about to take another stab at explaining it again when Emma came to put him out of his misery.

"I think Killian's had enough of our modern education for today," she said, patting her husband on the shoulder.

While Killian seemed a bit sad to give up, Emma could tell that he felt even more overwhelmed by the extent of his lesson. She couldn't really blame him - even most of the people born in this realm couldn't do it. It might have been a bit much to expect him to figure it out, especially in a single night.

"I'm sorry lad, I don't quite understand. I think I'll leave this type of piracy to you and your mother for now."

Still, even as he said it and Henry relented, there was a lingering determination that Emma could tell was still there, but she brushed that off. Killian was always determined and she positively loved him for it.

But at the end of the day, maybe there were just some things that likely couldn't be taught to a two hundred year old pirate.

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How the fuck could the freakin' Savior not get tickets to 'The Avengers: Endgame?'

It didn't seem possible.

Emma normally didn't care for her title of princess, but if there was ever a time where she would've bothered to pull rank, this would be it!

She even went as far as to try, but while many were still impressed by her royal status, the man at the ticket counter wasn't among them.

So nope - not even her royal status could grant her even one spot to see Iron Man, Captain America, and The Hulk take on Thanos. It was the movie of the year - no, the century - and she couldn't see it.

And it sucked because Emma knew her job - it wouldn't take much for her to be spoiled. Her schedule had jammed her weekend, and as if that wasn't bad enough, there was allegedly some kid running around Storybrooke calling everyone and spoiling the movie. It wouldn't take long before it reached her, especially because her job necessitated she pick up every call she got.

This was her only chance until Monday to go see it, but alas, the Infinity Gauntlet was just outside of her grasp.

She could only imagine one person who was more miserable about the news than her.

And while driving home, she just happened to encounter him.

While Emma knew for a fact that her son was as healthy as a horse, he currently looked like he'd just been punched in the gut. His steps slugged and his his shoulders were sagging so much that they threatened to dislocate his backpack from his body. And facially speaking, he looked like a zombie. His eyes were heavy and his frown was dulled, as if his sadness was so deep that it circled to resignation.

Emma slowed her bug as she pulled up to him.

"Need a lift?" she said, smiling sadly.

Henry nodded and got in.

"Any luck on your end getting tickets?"

"Nope," Henry answered, his tone more morose than Eeyore's when he lost his tail. "

...And when he found his tail…

"You?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Even with the power pull?"

"Looks like the only thing that can defeat the royal family is the Storybrooke Multiplex."

Henry sighed. "I even offered to do Jeffrey Frog's homework for a month and he still wouldn't give me his ticket! I can't believe this! Everyone at my school is seeing this movie tonight!" Henry suddenly grinned as he turned to Emma. "Any chance I can skip school tomorrow and see it then?"

Emma shot Henry a teasing pointed look.

"Do you like having two moms? Because I promise, if I let you do that, Regina would see to it that you'd only have one."

"She wouldn't have to kno-o-w," Henry pointed out. Emma almost had to snort at his sing-songy fashion of begging.

"You know we live in Storybrooke, right? She'll know the moment you step into that theater. Sorry, kid."

Henry rolled back his head and pressed it against the seat head. "Damnit."

"Language!" A beat passed and the two started laughing at the spot-on nature of the reference, however unintentional it was.

For the record though, it was completely intentional.

As they pulled up to the house, Emma and Henry slunk into their seats.

"Want to watch Infinity Wars tonight?"

"I think it'll hurt too much," Henry dismissed.

Emma groaned. "You're right," she admitted. "Should we just wallow in silence?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," Henry replied, his tone just as miserable as Emma felt.

Finally, they got out of the car and went inside their house.

Immediately, the smell of microwave popcorn filled the air.

Henry and Emma looked at each other.

"Killian?" Emma called out.

"Emma!" Killian replied, coming out from the kitchen with a big bowl of popcorn. "And Henry! You're both just in time for the show!"

Henry, clearly just as baffled as Emma was, looked to him. "Didn't mom tell you Endgame was gonna be in theatres?"

Killian grinned a suspicious grin.

"Aye," he said. "That she did, but she also told me that you weren't able to procure tickets to the film."

"So you were trying to make us feel better with an at-home movie?" Emma said, filling in the gaps. Killian nodded.

While still bummed out about the movie, she really had to hand it to Killian for his efforts to cheer them up.

For a pirate, he sure was sweet.

"Which one are we watching?" Henry asked.

Immediately, Killian's grin grew to an outright smirk.

"Why 'Avengers: Endgame,' of course, my boy."

Emma's jaw slackened as Killian continued smirking at them.

"How?" Henry asked. "The movie just came out!"

"Why, I used that pirating technology of yours," Killian said, gesturing towards the computer in the living room, which Henry wasted no time examining.

"But I thought you couldn't figure out how to do it?"

"I couldn't - not when you first showed me, but I knew this film meant a lot to you so I did some digging. It took a few pages of this world's government telling me NOT to pirate things, but when do I even listen to monarchs?"

"You listen to me," Emma pointed out.

"Because I love you. Besides, you hardly ever use that title of yours." Emma shrugged. "But anyway, eventually, I found some pages that laid out the process more thoroughly."

"Well," Emma said, watching Henry look at the file on the computer with an increasingly growing smile on his face, "it looks like you succeeded."

Killian's grin grew impossibly wider. "Yes, no matter the realm, you can always count on a pirate to secure the goods. And thankfully in this land, they've the decency to share their findings. Just be warned, the recording was from the premiere and quality isn't too great, especially compared to those Blu-Rays of yours."

"It's perfect!" Henry cried out! "It's the right length, the Marvel logo looks new, the quality is low enough to be real! Killian, you are the best!" Having said that, Henry pulled Killian into a tight hug.

Killian rested his hook on Henry's shoulder as he gently pulled him closer. "I'd say you own that title, lad, given how you're far faster at this than I am, but you're welcome all the same. Now why don't you go get the other bowl of popcorn that has those accursed Milk Duds melted in for your mother and we'll get this started?"

Henry, clearly not needing to be told twice, raced to the kitchen as Emma pulled her husband close.

"Looks like you can take the man out of the pirate, but you can't take the pirate out of the man."

"That bother you, my love?" Killian's smirk returned, gazing at Emma as if he already knew the answer.

And dammit, he definitely did.

Emma answered his question with a kiss. She felt her foot pop as she settled cozily into his arms.

"I had a feeling," Killian said, clearly not even bothering to keep the smug off his face.

"But that comment about my 'accursed' Milk Duds definitely crossed a line."

"Give me credit, Swan. I may not be above breaking the law for my family, but I must have some honesty to my character."

As she came in for another kiss, she made a point to lightly jab Killian in his smug little chest.

"Guys! Come on! It's time for the romance to turn off and the action to turn on!"

Emma turned to Henry. "You wouldn't be saying that if we were Pepper and Tony!"

"When you have a metal suit and can shoot energy blasts out of your hands, then you can makeout in front of me all you want."

"Remind me to get some of Dad's armor the next time I use my magic," Emma told Killian.

Henry rolled his eyes, but gestured towards the TV before walking into the living room. "Anyway, Avengers, Assemble!"

Killian grinned, following him. "Excelsior!"

As Emma joined in alongside her boys, she marveled at how her pirate did indeed have many more tricks up his sleeve than even she expected.

And more than anything, even experiencing 'The Avengers: Endgame' spoiler-free, discovering all of them was to be the ultimate adventure.