-Tsumetai- (aka Smile, Naruto, Smile)
Warning, A/N: THIS IS PURE ANGST. And a bit of my strangeness here and there. SLASH. NARUTO NOT MINE. SELF MUTILATION. Grab tissues.
The song is Pain, three days grace.
Also, this is might be a little confusing, but you just need to reread the ending maybe. Enjoy.
---
Naruto is not always there.
Everyone always wonders about giving in. It is just the kind/worth of things they would give up. Naruto didn't just wonder. He lived these things out, everyday, in his mind. Sometimes he lost himself, between the fake and the real.
Naruto is not always there.
Memories sometimes pull people away, leaving something blank and sometimes cold behind. Naruto didn't lose himself always in memories themselves, but moments he stopped himself. Naruto loses himself in moments that never happened.
Sometimes, Naruto forgets.
Naruto spends his days counting the hours he's awake, and at night the same until he cannot think anymore. Then he wakes up, and forgets the pain. It is between the hours and moments, and every time he was not letting his breathing die.
Hidden with the thoughts of how many times he held his breath, and thought of not remembering to breathe.
Mornings are met with tears, but Naruto doesn't care. He is too between the hours, minutes, moments, screams.
Naruto doesn't dream anymore.
---
I ignore voices, thinking they are only the ones in my head. I reach over and turn up the cheap sound system, the most expensive thing I own. I look down, and stare at the words written on my hand, with angry permanent marker.
Sora fukaku, Yume shiroku, Chigireta tsubasa (Deeper into the blue sky, Illusionary dreams are whiter, Wings scatter to a thousand pieces)
The music blared into my ears, my mind unfocused, my eyes unseeing. I was lost, in what memories would never be mine. Only part of my illusionary mind. I am often sick thinking of my self, and comparing myself to others and their lack of pretense.
Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
You're sick of feeling numb,
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand,
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness just doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand,
When the lights go out you'll understand.
Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me; I've got a plan,
When the lights go up, you'll understand.
Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
That you're running
Ya know ya know ya know ya know
That I'm here to save you
Ya know ya know ya know ya know
I'm always here for you
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
That you'll thank me later
Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I am lost. (but that is not the point, for one must never acknowledge such fact)
Once, long ago, when I created the sexy no jutsu, I learned something. People could not recognize me…and the glaring stopped. That was the night Gray was created.
The voices seemed to grow louder, until there was a distinct slam, and the door was open. My eyes lay unfocused on the figure, unrecognizable in the dark. His silhouette was only visible because of the dim light of the sound system.
"Naruto." The voice sounded angry. It was only then that I realized the voice was an actual person. The voice resembled something I had heard before. I frowned slightly, confused. It only took one word to piece it together. "Troublesome."
"Shika…?" I barely acknowledged how far off I sounded, and it totally passed my mind that I called him Shika. My mind resembled the, 'I don't give a shit' mode.
"Naruto, what the fuck," he grumbled, sounding, in his own way, concerned.
I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried…
He reached over and turned off the music. Something in my mind gave me the feeling of resentment. Three Days Grace didn't deserve that.
Shikamaru sighed his almost impatient sigh. "What the hell? Why are you sitting in the dark…?" He looked down (as far as I could tell). "…Naruto?"
"……….."
I fell over, suddenly feeling woozy. Shikamaru yelped something (I laughed inside somewhere, I made Shika yelp.) It sounded something like 'fuck'. Shika has such a dirty mouth. Here I giggled, slightly insane. A tiny voice in my head, sounding slightly intoxicating itself, mumbled, "What are you on?" I giggled some more. He bent over and picked me up, all bridal style and everything. Slowly, I found what little consciousness I have left slip steadily away. There was a sharp smack to my face, and a "shit Naruto, stay awake". Another round of giggles erupted from my throat. He smacked me again. Probably just cuz he could. Jerk.
Slowly, no matter what violence Shikamaru inflicted upon me, I slipped unconscious. Probably giggling. I thought one last coherent thought, and it wasn't my own still. "God you are such a freak…" Bitchface Kyuubi…
----
"Sonofabitch."
"Sasuke…!"
"Calm down both of you."
I blinked. I'm awake. Well, isn't this a convenient twist of plot. "Naruto!" There was a cry to my side, and it sounded very female, and very ear drum shattering.
"Sakura?" I reached up and rubbed my eye. I find my arms are freshly bandaged (I now wear ones that resemble Lee's, he was very excited) and I raise a suspicious eye brow. I only then realize where I am. And only that it is not my house.
"You baka! What the hell were you doing?! That's, that's…" She seemed actually very worried. Weird. My eyes were round, deer in the headlights style.
"Um, what?"
"You passed out from blood loss." Shikamaru said as he handed me a cup of tea. "Naruto." He added as an annoyed afterthought.
At first I was shocked, then almost scared, then I realized he had already told anyone who I cared about knowing, and then I decided I just didn't bloody well fucking care. Because, hey why the heck should they care? It's not like we are close in anyway other than former team mates. Sasuke had certainly proved that.
Slowly I reached behind my head and scratched my head sheepishly, left hand holding the tea. "Eh, okay. Well, I mean, I'm fine. So no problem right? I just, let myself bleed to long…I was…distracted…" Suddenly my eyes slid out of focus slightly, and I felt the curious brain numbness that I always felt, numbing the pain (but I do not acknowledge the fact).
Suddenly a hand slapped across my face and my tea slipped violently from my hands to shatter on the ground.
"You…you…stupid baka…!"
Kakashi and Shikamaru now looked shocked, Kakashi who had looked in pain, and Shikamaru, who face had been deepened with sad understanding, his mouth cast in a frown. "Sasuke," they both growled angrily.
They stopped when they realized he was hugging me.
His arms were around my neck and head, and his face was in my hair. I took a deep watery breath, and wrapped my arms around him as well when I felt the wetness in my hair. Just like that I felt my whole body slump and I clung to him, thoughts screaming at me as they broke through.
"Don't ever leave me. Or I'll…"
His voice was gravely, and horse with anger. "Son of a bitch," he mumbled into my neck. I fully expected a 'or I'll kill you', for that is usually what such threat implies, but instead I got a deep, "or I'll kill myself." My eyes widened, and fear filled me. Sasuke looked into my eyes. "Don't wake up now Naruto…don't go…"
I then realized that this was not a memory, this was not a reality. I opened my eyes, my wrist burning. I couldn't fall into my unconsciousness anymore. I had to see reality once more.
I then, started to cry.
I rolled onto my side, grabbed my head, and screamed. Kyuubi growled, clawing in my brain. "Wake up Naruto! No! It's not real…!"
"Naruto…" I opened my eyes to see black ones staring back.
"Sasuke…" I whispered. Kyuubi's voice screamed something in my head, and I couldn't focus on it.
"Come back to sleep with me Naruto…Come back to me…"
My mind fell unfocused once more, and for the last time.
---
A coroner looked over Naruto the next morning.
They found Uzumaki Naruto's body in his bed, and it seemed his heart and stopped. There were tears streaked down his cheeks and on his pillow, and scars covering his arms. What no one talked about though, was that he finally smiled a true smile.
(finally with his Sasuke)
-Owari-