Title: A Farewell To Sues
Author: SMARTALIENQT (and PirateRina717, her little sister)
Summary: Crackfic! A Mary Sue lands in Potterverse, Voldemort sells ice cream, and Ron is infatuated with riding dragons. Oh, and did we mention Hermione is evil? Oneshot, by SMARTALIENQT and PirateRina717
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, so I don't own these characters. I am not my sister, so I don't own the idea or the plot. I'm not the USS Sue Destroyer, so I don't own the Caps Lock of Rage™. I am not Panic! At the Disco, so I don't own the song. All I own is… the actual text. And Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida is mine, too. Unfortunately.
A/N: This is where I give you lots of info about the fic. Unfortunately, though the text is mine, the idea is Rina's, so I'll pass the A/N to her.
R/N: (Rina Note) Hello. This crackfic came to me in a dream. Literally. So therefore, if it has any details that you are unhappy about, blame the dream, not me or my sister. It was Smarty's idea to make it a Mary Sue fic, though. Blame her for that! –Directs mob in Smarty's direction–
A/N: Nooo!! Don't kill me! Agh! –runs away–
WARNING: External use only. This fic is intended as a parody. Any resemblance to Sues, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Do not read A Farewell To Sues if you have high blood pressure, are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant. Talk to your doctor before reading this fic. A Farewell to Sues is just one option you and your doctor can consider. Some side effects may include: headache, nausea, vomiting, feelings of euphoric joy, high-pitched giggling, and spontaneous combustion.
A Farewell To Sues
"Blimey, Harry, is that-?"
Yes, indeed it was. Harry and Ron, having finally shaken off some crazy blonde with an insanely long name, had decided to take a short trip through Muggle London to celebrate. Having heard the alluring call of an ice cream van, they had, rather inappropriately for people of their age and maturity, taken off after it at a dead run. What surprised them the most was not that you could buy two ice-lollies for the price of one, but the person who informed them of this fact.
Voldemort was selling ice cream.
It seemed unthinkable that Tom Marvolo "Lord Voldemort" Riddle was now catering to the needs of obnoxious Muggle children, but, then again, that was probably why he was doing it. Despite the fact that he now sported a bulbous nose, a blossoming mustache, and bushy eyebrows (that looked as if they were attached to the black plastic glasses he was wearing, which was probably only a coincidence) he looked much like his same, evil self. The reason why he was still alive after his death during the Battle of Hogwarts was unknown, having been chucked into a small, dark plot hole shortly after the author considered it.
After a little consideration, Ron and Harry decided that they would like to find ice cream somewhere else. They again took off rather hastily, and Apparated to their respective homes. Unfortunately, Harry and Ron hadn't gotten away in time. They had been noticed.
Meanwhile, Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida was walking down a dark alley. She had long, ebony raven black hair, which fell over her face all emo, only showing half her face and her deep, icy-blue eyes like frozen limpid tears. Her alabaster skin shone like ivory in the moonlight (for it was now midnight according to the authoress' fancy), illuminating her sexy pink-and-black striped V-neck, miniskirt, matching stockings, and black combat boots. The authoresses continued to describe every minute detail of Mary- er, Aimi's - clothing, makeup, and general appearance, but since every audience member had fallen asleep, they picked up where they had started, with Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida walking down a dark alley.
Why she was walking down a dark alley, she did not know. Perhaps it was because her Demon Powers of Awesomeness had told her someone needed saving, perhaps the Fates who cursed her with psychical powers had warned her that something was wrong, or perhaps her knowledge of the Force had led her to the souls currently in suffering.
Or she could have been too sloshed to see where she was going. That was always a possibility, and the most likely answer.
She had simply been wandering in the alley, reminiscing her tragic past (where her parent died at the hands of Voldemort, leaving her in the hands of an uncle who raped her before betrothing her to an evil baron who'd abused her before she'd escaped in a magic turnip and lived as a nomad for two years with only her faithful cat demon Felina who'd died outside London saving her from a Dementor, at which point she had decided to change her name to "Mary Sue" to protect her identity from the Death Eaters who were now on her trail), when she'd heard strange sounds coming from further down the alley.
"No! Not Fudge Ripple! Anything but that! Noooooo-"
The voice was abruptly cut off by the sound of choking, followed by cackling. Mary Sue would have rushed over to them, coddling them and murmuring comforting sounds, but her Demon Powers of Awesomeness, the Fates, and the Force told her to wait and survey the situation.
At the end of the alley were two chairs. In them were two extremely hot guys wearing robes. One of them had ebony raven hair like she did, though it was far messier than hers (even though she had been living as a nomad for two years, her hair still stayed perfectly in place), and the other had fiery red hair that she admired. Having sufficiently destroyed the canon character's hair descriptions, she turned and looked at the third figure, which appeared to be force-feeding the two boys ice cream.
"NOOOOO!" she gasped, having stolen Harry's Caps Lock of Rage™. "IT CAN'T BE! THE MAN WHO KILLED MY PARENTS, LEAVING ME IN THE HANDS OF AN UNCLE WHO RAPED ME BEFORE BETROTHING ME TO AN EVIL BARON WHO ABUSED ME BEFORE I ESCAPED IN A MAGIC TURNIP AND LIVED AS A NOMAD FOR TWO YEARS WITH ONLY MY FAITHFUL CAT DEMON FELINA WHO DIED OUTSIDE LONDON SAVING ME FROM A DEMENTOR, AT WHICH POINT I DECIDED TO CHANGE MY NAME TO "MARY SUE" TO PROTECT MY IDENTITY FROM THE THE DEATH EATERS WHO ARE NOW ON MY TRAIL!! NOOOOO!"
Apparently, Voldemort had gone temporarily deaf, and could not hear Mary Sue screeching – albeit musically – at the top of her lungs. Having no purpose for the time being, he wandered into yet another plot hole. Now sensing that the coast was clear (using her Super Special Spidey Senses of Supreme Superiority), she ran sexily to the boys, cutting their bonds and crying tragically.
"Oh, you poor, poor thing!" she said, hugging Harry randomly. "My name is Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida," she said in a deep, romantic, husky, sexy, lust-filled voice, "But I prefer to be called Mary Sue."
Her Demon Powers of Awesomeness, the Fates, the Force, and her Super Special Spidey Senses of Supreme Superiority told her that, for the sake of being a Mary Sue, it might be wise to hug him again. She did so, having no mind of her own to speak of. Then, they looked into each other's eyes, green orbs locking onto ice-blue-frozen-limpid-tear ones, and a connection was made, a connection so powerful it cannot be broken for all time (except by an Authoress' Delete Button). Mary Sue was in love with Harry Potter, and while we would like to say that Harry was in love with Mary Sue, it didn't really matter, because she would love him regardless of reciprocated feelings. With all this going on, somehow fireworks exploded in the background, causing the nearest house to catch fire, but in all in a beautiful, romantic way. And then, Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida and Harry James Potter kissed, and the celestial choir sang, and the cute, fluffy animals did cute, fluffy stuff, etc., etc., etc.
"Oh, Harry."
"Oh, Mary."
"Oh, Harry!"
"Oh, Mary!"
"OH, HARRY!"
"OH, MARY!"
Do we even need to tell you what happens next? We thought not. Moving on…
Their romance was cut short by an evil cackle and a high-pitched voice shouting, "Avada Kedavra!"
Fortunately, the bolt of green light missed Harry completely. Unfortunately, it also missed Mary Sue.
It was Voldemort and Hermione!!
Ron, still trying to remember Mary Sue's full name, ran away, stopping a few feet later and disappearing with a loud crack.
"No!" cried Harry, missing his Caps Lock of Rage™. "Ron, why have you abandoned me?"
"FORGET HIM, HARRY!" shouted Mary Sue melodiously, using her Demon Powers of Awesomeness, her psychical powers cursed upon her by the Fates, the Force, her Super Spidey Sense of Supreme Superiority, and Harry's Caps Lock of Rage™. "YOU HAVE ME NOW!"
Hermione, who shot several spells at Mary Sue (while Voldemort stepped out for a cup of tea with his friends Lord Vlodmort, Lrod Voldemort, and Lordy Moldy-Shorts), spared the readers any more disgusting use of Harry's Caps Lock of Rage™.
Suddenly, Ron appeared, riding a dragon (using his Dramatic Redundant Dragon Riding Skillz). "Blimey, Harry, this is bloody fantastic!" he bellowed.
Harry was occupied with dueling Hermione, and Ron was busy trying to control his dragon, so neither of them saw Voldemort coming out of the teashop. Except Mary Sue, of course.
Suddenly (so subtle, aren't we?) Mary Sue was filled with a righteous rage, and, gathering all her special abilities and spurred on by the ghost of Felina her faithful cat demon and her love of Harry Potter, Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida took a deep breath, jumped fifty feet in the air, and descended upon Voldemort, voicing the epic war-cry of every Sue that had come before her:
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
The force of her rage sent Voldemort careening into the house-set-on-fire-by-fireworks, and both he and the house were swallowed by an enormous passing plot hole, never to be seen again. We hope.
Harry and Ron were still battling it out with Hermione, but Mary Sue sent a bolt of pure goodness into her, and it broke the Imperious Curse that Voldemort had placed upon her. Full of euphoric joy and adrenaline, Ron dashed towards Hermione in slooooow-moooootion and snogged her in front of everyone. Harry soon did the same to Mary Sue.
Mary Sue broke away first. "Look, Harry," she said. "We are back in the dark, grimy alley, where we first met. And snogged. And… did stuff. This calls for a song, for we, Harry, are back to the streets where it all began!"
Back to the streets where we began
Feeling as good as lovers can... you know
Well, now we're feeling so good
Picking up things we shouldn't read
It looks like the end of history as we know
It's just the end of the world
Back to the street where we began
Feeling as good as love... you could... you can
Into a place, where thoughts can bloom
Into a room where it's nine in the afternoon
And we know that it could be
And we know that it should
And you know that you feel it too
'Cause it's nine in the afternoon
Your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good just the way that we do
When it's nine in the afternoon
Your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good
Her angelic, warming, soothing, calming, operatic voice was so beautiful that no one bothered to mention that there is no nine in the afternoon, it is in fact, either nine in the morning, or nine in the evening. So she kept on signing in her angelic, warming, soothing, calming, operatic voice.
Back to the street
Down to our feet
Losing the feeling of feeling unique
Do you know what I mean?
Back to the place, hey
Where we used to say
Man it feels good to feel this way
Now I know what I mean
Back to the street, back to the place--
Her angelic, warming, soothing, calming, operatic voice was cut off by Ron, the savior of all humanity. "HARRY! WATCH OUT!"
Harry moved back a few steps. Mary Sue did not.
The following scene has been removed for graphic violence. To illustrate our point, we give you the following words to stimulate your imagination about the downfall of Aimi Belphoebe Calanthe Damayanti Emi Frida Guinevere Hitomi Ingrid Jasmine Kanta Lamya Miku Nava Orabela Phoenix Queenie Rosabella Satomi Tamiko Ursula Violet Winifred Xiu Yumi Zoraida: "rampage", "dragon", "inferno", "crisp".
Harry blinked. And then he blinked again. He felt relieved, and while he had a strange feeling that he should feel a deep emotional sadness, he did not. While he had an odd urge to fall upon the ground, crying his optic nerves out, beating his chest and tearing his hair, he felt there was a better use of his time.
"Oi, Ron, Hermione, how do you feel about fish and chips?"
Конец (that's the Russian way to say "The End". Rina picked it out.)
A/N: Since this is was mostly Rina's idea, I'll let her take this one. Don't think I'll be doing this often, Rina!
R/N: -clears throat- Ahem. Please review. –halo appears over head–
A/N: That's it? THAT'S ALL YOU'RE SAYING?! TWO MEASLEY LITTLE WORDS?! No pleas for chocolate? No threats of plot bunnies? No-
R/N: Hey, don't push me. I have my mob.
A/N: Of course, those were two lovely words…. Nice halo… –inches away–
Special thanks to every writer of a Sue, parodied or unintentional, for the inspiration and laughs you gave us while, er, 'researching' for this fic.