Sesame Street
It was a dark, stormy night. Big Bird sat alone in his study, watching porn and jacking off. Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door.
"Mom, hold on a second!" he shouted, hiding his lotion and slamming his laptop shut.
The door burst open, revealing a dark figure in a tie-dye jumpsuit and flowered headband.
"It is I, Edward Cullen!" he exclaimed.
"I thought you sounded more like Richard Simmons," said Big Bird.
"We're really not so different," said Edward. "My hobbies include butt-raping, long walks on the beach, and searching eHarmony for the love of my immortal life. But enough chit-chat. Bare your sweet yellow ass to me."
His eyes flashed sapphire and emerald and ruby and diamond and topaz and robin's egg blue and mauve and fuchsia and sequoia and lavender and crystal and magenta, and Big Bird found himself turning around and raising his behind towards Edward.
Edward whipped out his one-eyed trouser snake and came in with lust upon Big Bird's ascended asshole. He could do this from across the room, of course, because of the sheer size of his huge, almighty, sparkling, gigantic, diamond-studded, lemon-flavored vampire of penis of glory and wrath.
Edward counted "3…2…1…"
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" screamed the Count in an especially thick Transylvanian accent, almost as thick as Edward's radiant dick. "That's my job!"
"What? You're raping Big Bird?"
"No, bitch!" the Count shouted. "I'm the only one who hustles bitches around here!" he said as he backhanded Edward across the face.
"I know how to finish this," Big Bird said. "We should drive a dildo up his ass to destroy his O-ring! And I happen to have one here for no particular reason!" He withdrew a rainbow-colored, six-foot-long, double-headed, 5-inch diameter dildo carved by the hands of a Tibetan monk from the tusk of a narwhal and blessed in the temple of Shiva.
"On the count of three," said the Count.
"One!"
"Noooooo!" Edward screamed as he struggled against his attackers.
"Two!"
"Three!" they shouted as they drove the magical dildo up the vampire's well-oiled ass. He shrieked as his O-ring burst into a million pieces and all of his intestines fell out of his asshole. Edward gave the scream of a fifteen-year-old gay model as his body split in two like the Red Sea and evaporated into rainbow bubbles. And he was no more.
The End.