He sat at Taki's, looking at her as she kept her silence after his comment. "Anyway, I doubt that's what you came to talk to me about, is it?"
"No," she replied curtly, at the same time, he could tell that she was struggling to find words. There was a bright red flush in her cheeks, which often appeared when she was nervous or embarrassed. A colour that he would never forget. "I've been wanting to talk to you for the past few days-"
"You could have fooled me." His voice came out unnaturally sharp. "Everytime I called you, Luke said you were sick. I figured you were avoiding me. Again." Please don't tell me that's the case
"I wasn't. I did want to talk to you. I've been thinking about you all the time."
He was taken aback by her answer, and made a noise of surprise. Holding his hand out across the table, he smiled slightly when she took it. "I've been thinking about you too."
She continued, "I was really sick. I swear, I almost died back there on the ship, you know."
Slowly, he let her hand go, and stared at her while the scene on Valentine's ship played in his mind. The rune she had carved on the wall of the ship, the rivets coming apart one by one, the explosion and the moment she fell into the water. He winced slightly.
"I know. Every time you almost die, I die myself." But this has to end. I'm being unfair to you and I've seen how Valentine makes use of our feelings towards each other. If this is the only way I can protect you, then I'll do it. Even if it means breaking both of our hearts, I'll do it.
"Jace, I came to tell you that-"
He raised his hands and stopped her from saying anything. "Before you say anything, I wanted to apologize to you."
She looked at him questioningly. "Apologize? For what?"
"For not listening to you." He raked his hair back with both hands, which were trembling so slightly that she did not notice. I'm so sorry, Clary. For what I'm about to tell you. "You kept telling me that I couldn't have what I wanted from you, and I kept pushing at you and pushing at you and not listening to you at all. I just wanted you and I didn't care what anybody else had to say about it. Not even you."
All lies, all these are lies. I know I'm selfish to keep on pushing at you, but I didn't think there was a point in hiding. I'll gladly continue doing that, so that you'll realise that there's nothing we can do about it. Yet, every time I see how you react to it, it breaks my heart. Because I'm hurting you by reminding you that we cannot be together, even if we wanted to. There's no way I can erase the feelings I have for you. They don't fade away, not like the runes we mark on ourselves. They won't ever fade away.
"Jace, you didn't do anything wrong. You-"
"No. Let me finish." He could not bear to look at her. He didn't want to see the disappointment and hurt in her eyes in response to what he was going to say next."Clary, I have to say it now or- or I won't say it." That was the only truth he told her.
His words tumbled out in a rush, "I thought I'd lost my family. And I don't mean Valentine. I mean the Lightwoods. I thought they'd finished with me. I thought there was nothing left in my world but you. I- I was crazy with loss and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. You were right."
You made me realise that I had a family, not Valentine, but the Lightwoods- Max, Alec and Isabelle. But, time and time again, I find myself worrying about you more than I do for them. I can't help it. Because each time I let my mind wander, it leads back to you. Each time I face Valentine, the first person I think about is you. When I saw Agrammon for the first time, it showed me my greatest fear: your death.
"No. I was stupid. I was cruel to you-"
"You had every right to be." He clenched his fists, which were under the table, so she wouldn't see how much pain it was just for him to pretend he didn't want her anymore. Looking up at her, his grip tightened, until the tendons were sticking out. "What you said was true. We don't live or love in a vacuum. There are people around us who care about us who would be hurt, maybe destroyed, if we let ourselves feel what we might want to feel."
Clary, what I really wanted to say is that I don't want to care about how others think about us. But if it means endangering their lives, and especially yours, I'd rather suffer than get my way. I'd rather tear my heart apart, so I can protect you.
With a tone of finality, he drove the message deep into both of their hearts, "To be that selfish, it would mean- it would mean being like Valentine."
Clary, you can't hear it or sense it, but each lie I told you breaks my heart into two. Then four, then eight...We will never be like Valentine, I want you to know. We will never be like him. Love is meant to be selfish. I know I'm being selfish, not by loving you, but by lying to you. Love made us liars, that was what the Seelie Queen said, isn't it? How ironic that I finally realise she was telling the truth.
"I'll just be your brother from now on." When he said that line, he felt oddly detached. Like he was watching himself say it, like it wasn't real at all. His heart was broken, so broken that he no longer seemed to feel anything. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?" His voice sounded dead, as his heart was.
It took her a long time to answer. He knew the reason why. She didn't come to talk to him about giving up their relationship. She came to tell him the truth- the truth that she would always love him, regardless whether they were brother and sister.
"Yes." Her voice was flat. "That's what I wanted." And he knew he had succeeded in convincing her.
"Shouldn't you be heading to the hospital?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even.
She nodded and he walked her out of Taki's. He stood in front of her, giving her an uncertain smile before pulling her into his arms to give her one last hug. This time, it was less comforting because he knew that it was going to be the last time he would ever hold her like this again. I'll always belong to you, Clary. Always.
Once she disappeared round the corner, he sank to his feet, barely able to hold himself together.