Possibly the most intellectual JGR insight ever.
Crazy Girl Person got home from school earlier than usual that day. School was hell as usual and no one was around when she arrived at her house, meaning no one would bother her for at least a few hours. "Think I'll play Jet Grind Radio for a while," she mumbled as she set her back pack down and turned on her Dreamcast. "I don't think I could ever get tired of this game." She said as she patiently waited for the game to load while holding the controller.
Meanwhile, the characters were just being booted up. Beat, Gum and Tab yawned as they were disturbed from their nap, ready to be placed into action. Though they usually enjoyed being video game characters, their joy was crushed when they saw who the player was. "Crazy Girl Person again!?" Gum exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air as a sign of annoyance. "Doesn't she ever get tired of this game?" Crazy Girl Person leaned back in her chair and sighed contently as she loaded her saved game. The screen changed to the map in the garage and the game awaited her commands. "What to do, what to do," she mumbled as she skimmed through her options. "I think I'll hit Shibuya-Cho." Selecting the level on the map, she was brought to the character select mode. "Please don't pick me. Please don't pick me. Please don't pick me," Beat mumbled to himself as Crazy Girl switched between him, Gum and Tab. She mentally made her decision after a while and happily pressed a button. "I think I'll pick Beat."
"Dammit!"
Beat skated through Park Street against his will as Captain Onishima chased after him, firing rubber bullets now and then. "Why do you mock me, God?" Beat said feebly as tears ran down his cheeks in a humorous anime fashion. "C'mon Beat! You can take 'em!" Crazy Girl said, suddenly leaning forward in her chair. Beat ran up the stairs and skated on to the Park Street play ground, picking up cans as he went. He jumped onto a rail and grinded down the stairs as Onishima cursed at his swiftness. He jumped from rail to rail and was gaining some pretty good speed when he left the stairs and jumped onto another nearby rail. "Hey! Watch it Crazy Girl!" he yelled as he nearly collided with something. Crazy Girl continued pushing buttons carelessly and Beat continued pulling off risky stunts. As Crazy Girl hummed to herself, Beat noticed he was grinding towards yet another obstacle. "Crazy Girl! Do something! Tree! Tree! You're gonna make me run into that tree! NOOOO!"
CRASH
"Oops! Ran into a tree!" Crazy Girl said as she just shrugged it off. Beat was laying on the ground, groaning a bit about his pain. "C'mon Beat! Get up! Get up!" Crazy Girl yelled as she pushed buttons impatiently. Beat slowly got to his feet and brushed the pain off. "Jeez! Couldn't you give me a little time to suffer in my misery?" he mumbled as he saw Onishima running towards him out of the corner of his eye. Before he knew it, he was skating towards the oncoming police captain. He let out a moan of annoyance as Crazy Girl leaned forward in her seat, causing him to skate faster. If there's one thing Crazy Girl liked to do, it was tagging Onishima's jacket.
There was a painful looking collision as both Beat and Onishima got knocked to the ground. Crazy Girl began pushing the L-trigger and yelling at Beat for not getting up fast enough to tag Onishima. "Christ! What is wrong with her?" Onishima asked as he got to his feet. "I have no idea," Beat mumbled. "but at least you don't have to put up with it like I do."
"That's why I'm glad I'm a non-playable character." Onishima grinned, while forming a anime-like peace sign.
Beat growled at his luck and at the disturbing fact that Onishima was actually happy about his position. "Hey! Where are you going?" Onishima demanded when Beat suddenly jerked away. "I don't know!" he cried without even looking back.
Beat skated through the street and took a sudden turn left, where he jumped down the sewer. "This is Onishima!" Beat's wrist radio buzzed, "send in the choppers! We've got a hostile situation here!"
"Hey, that's never happened before." Crazy Girl commented, looking forward to the new challenge.
"I think this hostile situation is you," Beat mumbled as he climbed the stairs to the construction zone just above the play ground.
"You be quiet! I shall not be defiled by the likes of you!"
"Yeah, whatever,"
Beat's body was suddenly racked with pain as the wind was knocked out of him. He slowly got to his feet and realized he had just ran into a wall. Or rather, he wasn't exactly the one that ran into the wall, "Take that, you feeble punk you! I am the dictator of your world! Hah! Nothing to say? That's what I thought!"
"Ah, why don't ya shut up, you evil bitch from Tartarus!"
"Silence infidel!"
Crazy Girl and Beat were about to engage in a verbal war when the sound of choppers cut through the air. "Crap! They're here!" Crazy Girl said as she pushed the analog stick and held down the R-trigger. "Run Beat! Run! Run for all that is sane!"
"I guess that would exclude you?"
"Shut up!"
Beat grinded down the elephant slide and jumped into the air. "Uh, hey. Hey! Street post! STREET POST!!"
WHAM
"Oops! Ran into a street post!"
Beat laid on his back staring at the sky. He let out a moan of pain as Crazy Girl urged him to get up using swear words. "God, you sound like Onishima," he mumbled as he sat up and brushed the collected dirt off of his yellow shirt. (Hey, I made a rhyme! Aren't I spiffy?) "I DO NOT!!" Crazy Girl fumed as she gripped the controller. "Now SKATE!" Beat let out a startled cry as he was forced forward. "You do though. You sound like Onishima. Voice and all."
"Quiet!"
Both of their thoughts were interrupted when the subject of their current topic emerged out of a shadow and started chasing Beat. "Speak of the Devil," Crazy Girl mumbled as she maneuvered the digital skater through the streets and away from Onishima's wrath. Beat crashed through things carelessly as he gained speed. Each news and street concession stand seemed to just break apart as Beat collided with them. Of course, that didn't leave much for Onishima to trip over, until Beat ran into a donut stand.
The collision was a bit more traumatic as Beat used his arms to shield his body. He crashed through it sending one little donut into the air, which didn't go unnoticed my Onishima. "Sustenance!" he yelled in triumph as the pastry made it's way towards earth. He ran to catch it, but was a few feet short of it's landing point. "DAMN!" he yelled when it fell on the side walk. He then shrugged his shoulders and glanced around for a moment to make sure no one was looking. "Five second rule!" He reached down and picked up the donut. He quickly ate the tasty treat and brushed the crumbs off of his hands. He turned around to finish his job, only to realize that Beat was long gone. "DAMN!!!"
Beat skated down the streets with the choppers in hot pursuit. "Well?" he said, directing a glance at the player. "Well what?" Crazy Girl replied in annoyance.
"Aren't you going to make me tag the choppers or something?"
"Oh yeah! That's always fun! But this time, we're gonna do it a little differently."
"Differently?"
"You'll see."
Beat was overtaken by nervous fear as Crazy Girl laughed at whatever she had up her sleeve. She made him climb the steps and pick up a few cans. He then found himself on the unfinished street overlooking the play ground. "Let's make them sorry they messed up my insult groove! Damn them! DAMN THEM!"
"You're sounding like Onishima again," Beat said with a sweat drop on his head.
"Shut up! Okay, let's do this bitch,"
"Something tells me this is going to really suck,"
"I said shut up!"
Beat moved forward and grinded down the elephant slide. The choppers were hovering above the playground an firing multiple missiles at the young skater. He jumped just as a missile hit the slide and found himself soaring towards another chopper. "Uh, Crazy Girl?" he glanced over at Crazy Girl who was currently rubbing her eye and only had one hand on the controller. "Crazy Girl! Do something! For the love of God not again! Crazy Girl Person!!!"
"What!?"
THUD
SPLAT
CRUNCH
BOOM
"Oops! Ran into the chopper and fell flat on the road and got hit by a car and shot with a missile!" When the dust settled, Beat was lying on his back. He kept mumbling about the pain and Crazy Girl began yelling at him to get up. The pilots had radioed Onishima about the events and he had just arrived on the scene. Unfortunately, the pilots were so happy about demobilizing a rudie, that they forgot to fly their choppers. Onishima sweat dropped as the pilots stupidly collided with each other and crashed into buildings. "This has got to be the worst level ever!" he mumbled.
Beat had gotten back on his feet and was leaning up against a tree for support. "Why has everything gone insane?!" he cried into the sky. "Ugh, the pain! PAIN! I'm not kidding that really hurt!"
"I'm aware! You're life bar is flashing!" Crazy Girl retorted, putting her foot on the coffee table. "But I shall get us out of here,"
Beat let out a groan as he skated forward, only to feel something small and metallic poke him in his already sore chest. "Hold it right there, punk!" the all too familiar voice of Onishima said. "Oh, look. It's Lt. Leprechaun, run for your life!" Crazy Girl said sarcastically, gently waving a mockingly frantic hand in the air.
"Leprechaun?!?! I can't help that I'm only five feet tall! Why must everyone pick on me?!"
"Ha! Yeah, you look like the leprechaun off of Lucky Charms!"
"!!! I DO NOT!"
"Yes you do!"
While Beat was off on the sidelines, snickering, Crazy Girl had started another verbal battle with Onishima that could only be halted by the ringing of Crazy Girl's phone. "Arg! Why do peoples always call?! Be right back." She waved her hand slightly at Beat and Onishima as she set the controller down and exited the room. "She's crazy! Crazy I tell you!" Beat whispered to Onishima. "Yes, that she is," he said, nodding his head quickly in agreement "and thus, we have only one thing to do!"
Onishima reached into his coat and pulled out a cell phone. He flicked it open and heard light snickering behind him. He turned around and saw Beat holding his hand over his mouth, turning a light shade of red. "I knew it! I knew you'd laugh when you saw my cell phone!" Beat's laughter slowly grew from a chuckle, to a large howl of hysteria. "You….you….you've got a rotary cell phone!" Beat leaned up against the tree and hugged it for support. Onishima gripped is hands tightly and slowly lowered them to his sides, his face turning a crimson red. "SHUT UP!"
Beat's laughter died down, but quickly picked up when Onishima started dialing. "Shut up! Just shut up!" he yelled back at the teen, only succeeding in making the youth laugh harder. Onishima growled in frustration as he finished dialing and waited for the operator on the other end to pick up.
"Arg! Why must those stupid sales peoples harass me!" Crazy Girl threw her arms up in the air as she walked back into the living room. She was about to make her way back to her seat when the door bell rang. Sighing, she walked over and answered. Behind the door awaited two men, each wearing a white coat. "Are you Crazy Girl Person?" one of them asked politely.
"Yes, why?"
Before getting a verbal response, one of the men lunged at her with a straight jacket. Having had run ins like this before, she was easily able to dodge it and jumped back into her living room. The men slowly entered the house and Beat and Onishima cheered them on from the TV screen. "I should have known you two would do something like this!" she yelled at the characters. "Hey, it had to happen sooner or later." Beat commented nonchalantly. "Hm! Well you forget! I'm crazy!"
"Duh! We know woman!"
"LET ME FINISH!! I'm crazy, therefore those white coated goons will not be able to capture me so easily. Observe."
Crazy Girl grinned evilly and slowly turned to the two men in white coats. "You're pathetic training shall be your downfall! Magical Fire!" Crazy Girl waved her arms in the air and created a vortex of purple flames. The MIWC ran off in a flash as she aimed her fire beam towards them. "No one can escape the wrath of me Magical Fire!!!"
"Dammit! We were so close!" Onishima said, clenching his fists.
"No you weren't! Now, how shall I punish you?"
"Punish?" Beat and Onishima responded in unison.
"You called the MIWC on me, and now I shall punish you for your defilement of my mentality! Is mentality even a word? I don't care! It is now, for if I say it, it shall be!"
Chuckling wickedly, Crazy Girl shut the front door and made her way back to her seat. Beat started to shudder slightly as Crazy Girl picked up the controller, which she promptly dropped. "Dammit!" She picked up the controller and made sure she had a better grip on it. Then, she grinned that crazy grin of hers. "Now, you will DIE!! Okay, you won't die, but it will not be an enjoyable experience for either of you. Believe you me! Now SKATE! Skate for all that is worth living!" Crazy Girl pushed the analog controller forward, but Beat didn't move. Both of them were baffled. "You dare defile me?! Skate I say!" She pushed the analog controller forward again and again, but Beat still didn't move. Not that Beat was disappointed in this twist of events, but he was pretty confused. Confused, but happy! "I'm free!" he said, throwing his arms into the air for emphasis. Crazy Girl continued to push the analog stick, but only heard a continuous thud and grunt, as if someone were running into something. Beat heard it too and looked around.
To their surprise, they saw Onishima running into a tree each time Crazy Girl pushed the analog stick. "I've got control Onishima now!" she said happily. "This is cool!"
"No it's not!" Onishima yelled, but ended up ramming his head into the tree again.
"Oh but it is! How it is!"
"This doesn't make sense, I'm not even wearing skates!"
"One thing you should learn. Nothing makes sense when I'm in charge! Let's see what you can do."
Happily humming, Crazy Girl began pushing buttons at random while Beat stood off to the side, laughing like he had never laughed before. Onishima pulled out a pair of scissors from his jacket and grabbed his hair with the other hand. "Crazy Girl, what are you doing?" he asked nervously. Crazy Girl sat back in her chair, chuckling, then leaned forward. "Onishima," she broke off mid-sentence to fit in and evil chuckle, then looked him straight in the eye. "It's time for you to get a hair cut!"
Both Beat and Onishima gasped in shock and Crazy Girl laughed insanely. "Does your torture know any boundaries?!" Onishima cried. Crazy Girl responded by pressing the A button, causing Onishima's right hand to snip the scissors. "Snip snip, Onishima!"
"NOOOOOO!"
Crazy Girl suddenly stood up, cackling like the mad girl she is. She held her controller in her left hand and clenched her right fist in victory as lighting flashed behind her. Her wicked laugh and the sound of lighting. Those were the only sounds that could be heard. Sounds which ended abruptly as Crazy Girl stopped laughing and faced the screen. "I'm done!" she said quickly, causing the lighting behind her to stop. She pressed the X button and Onishima dropped the scissors. Onishima immediately began stroking his hair, telling it it was okay. Beat and even Crazy Girl both sweat dropped at Onishima's unusual display of concern for his beloved hair. "He's almost as crazy as Crazy Girl Person," Beat said to himself.
"All right! That's enough of that! Let's see what else we can do here,"
Crazy Girl began pushing buttons at random again. Only when the controller made a beeping sound did she stop. "Wonder what happened this time," She pushed the analog stick to the left, causing Beat to raise his right arm. "Just when you thought you escaped her clutches,"
"You can say that again."
Beat looked over to his right to discover that Onishima was copying his actions, which could only mean, "I've got control of both of you know! It is a good day! Now DANCE!!"
"This has got to be the worst day of my life," Beat mumbled as he and Onishima continued to dance against their will. "Now to strip dance!" Crazy Girl broke in.
"WHAT!?!?!" Beat and Onishima cried in unison.
Crazy Girl began humming as she made Beat and Onishima take off their shirts and swing them over their heads stripper-style. Passer byes began throwing money at them and screaming "Take it all off!". By this time, both Beat and Onishima had a stream of anime tears running down their faces and sweat drops on their foreheads. "My arm's getting tired!" Beat shouted at Crazy Girl over the crowd.
"Oh, complain about everything why don't ya! But now that you mention it, this is getting boring."
Crazy Girl let go of the analog stick and told the spectators to clear out. They didn't want to at first, seeing as how they were a bunch of perverts, but Crazy Girl's mannerisms scared them away. "Thanks for not making us take off our pants." Beat said as he put his shirt back on. "Hey," Crazy Girl shrugged, "This game is rated T. I don't need to bump the rating up to M. So, for now, you a free to go. I've got homework. But next time, now that I've got the code…..THOSE PANTS ARE COMING OFF!!"
Beat and Onishima were about to protest, but Crazy Girl turned the Dreamcast off before they could say anything. She laughed to herself, the look in their eyes when she said that was priceless. "Yes, next time."
The End